Findingme's E5 journal

[findingme]

I have to post this. I've always felt it but never questioned it.

I'm out doing laundry, and I'm paying attention to my reactions around people. A group of men came in to do their laundry together, and something in my thinking was quite clear.

I have associated me being submissive with me surviving physically. I've never questioned it.

I grew up like this with my brother. I did it to secure love, and it worked most of my life. The issue is he abused me, and I just accepted this as normal too.

I still cower to some males in a mindset that I'll be physically harmed if I'm not submissive. That's where my mind went when I saw the men here.

My reluctance to admit this has always been tied to shame. Seriously, sharing this was never a possibility before. E5 is working in deep stuff.

Yeah, shame's always stopped this using fear of more shame.

I am shedding some tears here now too. Out for now

[findingme]

I'm back from doing laundry, and I'm watching my thoughts and emotions.  I'm also remembering what I felt 45 minutes ago.  I wrote referencing those men I saw, and they left the building for a while, which is when I began writing.  Near the end I began crying quietly with noone around me.

Then they returned.  One guy was big.  But not intimidating.  I watched him when they were walking back in, and my tears rose up quickly, so I turned away.  Fact: I know I've pasted images of my past onto many people in my life.......but the tears rose since I saw a social, welcoming man, and the loud fact that I've pushed so many caring people away hit me deeply.  I was folding my laundry, but my gut was shaking as I quietly cried.  Still soft. 

i also remembering a scared, angry part of me wishing to delete the post after I left.  I'm gonna leave it.  It exposes a lot of what I've hid from myself and others.

[ReconGunner]

It sounds like some tough stuff is coming up. It also sounds like you have a core of strength that is both keeping you going and pushing its way out; pushing all that other stuff ahead of it. And I mean real personal strength; nothing fake or superficial. You're showing patience too - letting the healing process move at whatever pace it takes.

You're becoming a much better you.

[findingme]

Thank you so much RG. Your words are very edifying and hope inspiring.

And fruit of yesterday's awareness pops up. I read your reply last night, and I didn't reply since I was tired. But right before writing this morning, I instantly stepped back into what I'll label as my "little boy shoes". The same ones I was in at the laundromat yesterday.

I hesitated writing. Yeah. Those old shoes, my old ways, continuously bring me pain and shame as I sit there living in a powerless, defeated mindset. As a boy, I constantly surrendured to win. That worked when I was young and small. But compounded by the grief of him leaving overnight unannounced in my early teens, that pain I've never said goodbye to. I've not moved on.

So maybe I'm grieving this now. Holding it in has been too damn exhausting. Something is happening.

[findingme]

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[findingme]

March 28, 2023
1st listening day

A little growth is being seen this morning. For months now, and way before then, I'd face desires to grow and almost instantly have something battling this desire to grow. I assume it's fear battling this change, and from prior experience on Shannon's subs, I've seen the growth win eventually.

For example, I deleted my last post yesterday while at work. In the morning right before leaving for work, I typed something out quickly which was true: I'd wanted to keep writing. And then subtle oppositional thoughts rose quickly, and my message quickly got mixed up, making me sound like I was full of s***. I don't want to live in lies. I don't want to be that person anymore. But more importantly, it felt wrong. That's not who I am or wish to be.

The growth that I'm celebrating is I'm holding on to positive desires longer before fear jumps up and attempts to subvert it. I felt that this morning and wanted to share it.

Loops tonight. A lot of change came on this last rest period.

[findingme]

March 29, 2023
2nd listening day

I am slightly fearful this morning, which tells me that E5 is challenging some fears I've held on to.  Though I really am unsure what it's digging into, I've gently but repeatedly been made aware how I've been stuck in my grief.  I think of old recovery stories I've read where a person seemed to be making bad decisions for themselves constantly, but fast forward to some tipping point, and even though he/she had kept revolving around a single incident or belief in their past,  something finally gave.

That's been me.  I've circled, circled, circled around the SAME issues repeatedly.  I'm still holding on to them.

This circling the same issue goes hand in hand with my living in fantasy worlds constantly, meaning avoiding reality.  It's been a steady move forward with E5, and some major grieving release will come.  I sense fears holding tight to it, but it's been doing that forever. 

Grief isn't fun.  Nor enjoyable.  It's the loss of all those things held on to. 

I'm stopping here.  I'm trying to control this with my understanding.  It never works, and it leaves me frustrated.  I'm out

[findingme]

March 30, 2023
3rd listening day

I woke up sad, but for different reasons.

I was listening last night, and during my 3rd loop, I suddenly felt something which felt good, but was unrecognizable.  I took a moment to allow it, then it hit me.

I was feeling an absence of fear.  I wasn't feeling fears of abandonment and pain, nor rejection by others (my most common fears).  I just wasn't afraid.

This morning I woke up.....and feared losing that reality.  Without much thought at all, I snoozed for a half hour.  Not my norm.

I've lost little bits of fear before, but all of it?  Never.  This feels life-changing.

Edit: I didn't want to share the reason for my sadness, but it's coming back up. I was habitually blaming myself thinking it would be my fault if my fears returned. Self blame is pretty harsh and unforgiving; it's my old way of having justice. It comes from a childhood belief that someone needed to be punished. Not sure how to change that.....but part of me feels a lot un-allowed grief as I sit here. I've been doing this a long time, and it's caused (and is causing) a considerable amount of pain.

[findingme]

I find myself trying to foul up my getting-ready routine to get out the door. Like there's some "relief" by messing up. Or failing when it's not needed. Punishing myself makes a lot of self-inflicted pain. Doesn't make much sense. Not at all.

[ReconGunner]

I find myself trying to foul up my getting-ready routine to get out the door.  Like there's some "relief" by messing up.  Or failing when it's not needed.  Punishing myself makes a lot of self-inflicted pain.  Doesn't make much sense.  Not at all.

Another possibility - you are healing so that you are "allowing" yourself small "failures" - overcoming perfectionism. Learning that failure is not always fatal.

[findingme]

March 31, 2023
1st rest day

E5 is persistent.  I felt some discomfort and unwillingness to allow my emotions to flow today.  Old fears still playing me.  But seriously, I just didn't want to.  Didn't want to....

It's been coming on and off at different times.  I'm speaking of grief.  And last night, I wished for a good cry.  I shed some heavy tears watching a movie, and my tears were not about the movie, as I had my own internal movie playing.  Facing shame.  Facing fear.  Facing a lot of major life changes presently too, all at the same time.  As awareness has risen, so has a general resistance to allowing it. 

Even now, right here, I'm trying to detach from my emotions.  There's a fear that I won't be ok, that I won't be loved, (I don't wanna even open that door).

And I said E5 is persistent.  Though I've been fearfully fighting the healing wanting to come through......... I've secretly looked forward to it.  

Gonna let this activate more in me.   What's different now is I see I'm getting closer to my roots--not the "safe" illusions.

I don't want to be alone!!  <<< that memory is what I've been scared of.

E5 is on the move.

[findingme]

I find myself trying to foul up my getting-ready routine to get out the door.  Like there's some "relief" by messing up.  Or failing when it's not needed.  Punishing myself makes a lot of self-inflicted pain.  Doesn't make much sense.  Not at all.

Another possibility - you are healing so that you are "allowing" yourself small "failures" - overcoming perfectionism. Learning that failure is not always fatal.

I have been thinking along those lines.  Self-acceptance even in my utter failings.

[Zane]

I have came here after a long time and bro you have grow so much !!!! I remember read your first thread ...Wow!!! keep going!!

[findingme]

I have came here after a long time and bro you have grow so much !!!! I remember read your first thread ...Wow!!! keep going!!

It's great to hear from you Zane!  Thanks for popping in.  You were successful on USLM3 for ages, but what are you thinking of now?  I'll keep an eye out for your posts.