Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

Taking responsibility for myself. I've truthfully not done it, much at all.

I considered PMing a member here today, whining about my uncomfortableness I have with my anger surfacing and showing up easily on E2. It would have been a disguised whine hoping he'd pick me up. I realized, just imagining a response, that I would write hoping for some big brother compassion, but knowing this member, I'd have walked away disappointed in him and in myself for asking someone else to fill a hole in me. In truth, I wanted him to pick it up for me. I've been doing that lately. I've done it here, and I've been seeking it at work.

And while imagining contacting the member here, I felt young, like 11 or 12. I was seeking a brother again. My brother.

I was sharing this habitual brother seeking with my coworker last Saturday, and he seriously wondered......why don't I seek him out now and hang out with him?

First feeling: fear. I could repeat all the modern troubles with this picture, but my fear didn't come from recent interactions. It came from the time I wanted him but he wasn't there.

That's been holding me. And .....I've been holding onto it. I thought I might get my childhood back if my needs were met again. I thought I might be carefree if......if.....if....

I've constantly held on hoping. Hoping I'd be free again. For....I saw him as the person who took on all the scary stuff, the impossible stuff, the one who made it possible for me to not worry about life.

And lately, I've been getting pissed easier since I'm feeling responsible for my life. GRRRRRR.... It's maybe why I'm fighting E2. I used to feel (or imagine feeling) so safe. It was all a fantasy, but it kept me sane for decades.

Lately, I've shared that I've felt unconfident in myself at my job. I've tried to hold onto being 11 or 12 years old in my head, knowing staff see a man in his 40's doing things readily. My main motive: "if I'm good enough, I'll be loved. Just don't give up being 12." I've felt unconfident since I did not feel absolutely secure while secretly hanging onto this mindset. My unconfidence glares when I think "they know I feel 12". I've also felt unconfident moving forward, especially when the ideas about staying put have seemed so attractive. I've lived in a fantasy of hiding out from all dangers. And in reality, it's mainly why I don't go out except once a week. Even seeing my mom, for me, still has some hope of me escaping life. It's a unfulfilling fantasy.

I'm kind of pissed. I'm trying to wear "big boy pants"...... and I'm scared.....THAT'S IT! I keep imaging me growing up, going smoothly, then out of nowhere.....WHAM! I get hit with this 35 year old pain. In truth, this pain has been popping up lately on E2. I've been running away from the pain, while still seeking old securities. I'm seeing I'm still facing pain though.

I'm not winning always trying to box up my pain. My controls aren't working.

I've not had E2 on today on my phone, and I've left it off while writing this. I've not played it at work today wondering if I'm doing too much. My time off today was to allow processing.

I'm turning it on now. Going to bed soon. Goodnight.

Edit: I know E2 has "Let Go Of Your Past" scripting. I wrote so much to air it out and see how I'm doing.

[Zane]

I just want you to know that I am so proud of you.. The thing is that you don't give up on urself. This is way you will see results sooner or later.

Healing is never easy and new and old shuts are dug out of the subc when u wanna fix urself.

Its really a drag when ur present decision are manipulated by the issue that go way back.. Its like the past is messing up the future.

The only way is to face the pain and grow. We have to keep reminding ourselves that this shit won't last long.. Today I am sad and depressed but tomorrow I will be happy.

Each and everyday.. You learn about urself more and the more u learn about urself the more u realize ur problem and then u come up with a solution.. Weather its a sub or anything..

So keep it up and keep listening and keep improving..

If u r tired its okay to rest.. But don't quit.

[findingme]

Thank you Zane. That was a wonderful compliment.

I'm wishing to share something I'm seeing these last couple of days. I wrote maybe 2 posts up about living in some fantasy mindset much of my life. I've come here, in similar fashion, numerous times, thinking I "should" be in some mindset. An "I'm healing!" mindset. Or a "I'm facing another obstacle" mindset.

I've been doing this, and I'm becoming tired of playing games with my mind. I just don't enjoy doing this presently. Because much of life lies right outside those narrow limits.

On more important issues, I got a text from my ex yesterday saying she needed to talk with me about my daughter, that it was important. I was at work, and texted her this. She replied, saying she was at a hospital. I called within minutes. My daughter had done a suicide attempt with some OTC medicine, but shortly after ingesting them, went to her mom, and told her. She realized after taking them that she didn't want to die. She's physically stable now, and she's in a inpatient psych facility presently. I just talked with my ex on the phone for 20 minutes, and she's struggling since she's not in control presently--of the outcome, or really, herself. She's been crying on and off, doing so when in private.

I've felt judgemental towards my ex when asked by others about this scenario, for my daughter was hit hard with her mom's quick decision to move out of state for her job upgrade. It's been almost a year now, and my daughter has struggled ever since she's been there. My ex's example of "success" is looking good to certain parties while ignoring fallout from consequences. Again, I'm judging. I blamed, and it doesn't feel good on my side either. I've not dwelled on those feelings a lot, for they only give back pain.

My daughter will be in treatment at least 5 days, so I've heard, and I'm wanting to go see her for her sake. I've not made plans yet, as my ex said she didn't want her overloaded when she gets out. I'll see her within 2 weeks though.

I just pulled something good out of my thoughts. Maybe this pain my ex is in will push her to pay attention to those things she's tried to ignore. Like our daughter's struggle. That's a hope. She has her choices, I have mine, so I'll look for good things.

I'm running E2 on masked TS now, so thanks to it for a mindset change.

[findingme]

I've felt real vulnerable these last 2 days when waking up, sleeping with E2 running. Softer, and knowing I've pushed people away consistently.

I've had a family magazine in my bathroom for the last 3 years, and 2 nights ago I opened it. It's loaded with feel good, relevant stories, and in times past I'd read one and have a good cry. The same happened two days ago.

I read one story first, which softened me, and I followed the internal que to keep reading. Damn. It got me. A true story about a man who began teaching inner city kids football. They even made a movie about it. He began saying while all that was true, his story had never been told.

His own father was in and out of his life. He had one highlight moment in highschool, making the winning play in a major football game. He was estatic. Like all the other kids, he looked for his parents to celebrate with. While others left with their dads, he never saw his. It burned him.

Life happened, he grew up, and that pain festered. Upon being asked, he even began training young highschoolers football. And during this time, through a number of events, his anger at his dad smoldered. He'd go off on his wife and kids at times, swear at his players ocassionally, and he sat with it.

He knew this anger owned him. He was told via his wife that he could meet with his dad if he wanted. What?!!!! She knew his anger owned him too, and he had to let it go. He agreed to meet him.

His father was old now, feeble and greying, and he'd not seen him in over 20 years. His first question was "why didn't you ever go to any of my high school games?"

His dad hesitated. Then began a stream of excuses. He was cut off.
The dad tried apologizing again, riddled with excuses. He was cut off again.

He blurted it out quickly. "Dad, I forgive you. All those things I've been mad at you about, I forgive you."

His dad began spewing excuses again. He was cut off.

"I forgive you. No reasons are needed".

The father stopped. He heard it. And began bawling. He even began finding excuses again, but was quickly cut off.

He said he's not buddy buddy with his dad now, but he visits ocassionally. He cleared the air.



I cried reading that. It offers me an example of how I "could" do this with my brother. And my mother. And my sister..........I've been finding a lineup lately.

E2 is allowing this, even encouraging it. This, and other stories, sit with me.

[findingme]

I woke up with an awareness this morning, having run E2 on US all night. I bought USLM already, but mostly since Shannon said he wasn't sure if FRM would increase in value, thus increasing the price of subs. I've considered running USLM come Halloween.

I also knew when I bought it that my main goals were mostly emotionally related: relationships with others, myself, and reachable goals I've had.

I'm going to extend my run on E2. It is slower than all subs built after, but the training to heal, the encouragement to heal, me seeing opportunities to heal, and even overcoming the victim mentality are HUGE for me. I want peace. With myself. With others. Well, it all points back to seeking peace with myself. I'm leaving this door open here, as it's why I'm running subs anyway.

I'll admit my biggest fear writing this was an imagined criticism by other males. Seeing them shaming me. Hmmm.... maybe it's something which I've needed to work on, or rather, let E2 work on. This makes healing so much easier. I'll stick with it.

[findingme]

I got a call from my ex about my daughter while still at work, but I knew she'd just had her first family meeting at the psych hospital, so I was glad she called. I couldn't talk since I was still working, but I called her right after work, before leaving.

It was good to hear how how my daughter was, and I was liking how she's drawing boundaries for herself. She doesn't feel ready to go home, for she's dealing heavily with shame right now. She does not want a rush of people when she arrives home, for she needs to acclimate back to her surroundings. I'm glad she's being encouraged to make boundaries, for I remembered today when she shared some honest feelings when I visited her in March. Kind of funny writing this, but I felt like I was with a middle schooler emotionally. It's only funny since she was a middle schooler. And middle schoolers are annoyed easily by many authority figures


Regarding me and E2, my ex made one comment about herself which stayed with me. She said she was going out with friends tonight since they knew she shouldn't be alone. This hit me. I don't have any true, close friends, friends who I would call for anything at anytime. I've been so afraid to let people close. Even today, an attractive woman's been working with a crew in my department, and they're only in town until Friday. Yesterday she kind of gave me signs she was interested in me. I was being teased consistently by a few coworkers, but.......I was scared. I felt my eyes dropping down when she was around. My fear: she might get to know me, and then abandon me. It's the same fear I have with any attractive woman, and also with any male who wants to befriend me. I've kept my distance so I'd avoid feeling this again.

I'm sitting with that. I have no idea what will happen next. One thing at a time, for I'm feeling something I can't even articulate now.

[findingme]

I wrote I had no close friends. It's only as true as I want it. I'm not wanting that, and I'd even taken action today to not be alone in this. I shared about my daughter with a close coworker today, a sort of father figure and mentor to me. I actually texted him to meet him early this morning since I know he's emotionally strong, and I needed to not isolate in this. It was relieving to share it. It feels good to not be alone.

I felt sad and poor-mouthed in my last sharing, and I asked myself "really?" No, it's not end of the world bad. I've just been feeling old pain coming up. And E2 kept me out of the victim stance.

[Zane]

How is ur daughter? I just read ur post and I was shocked..

Did u meet ur daughter yet? You said something about waiting for two week. Well in cases like this I think u should visit her asap. Spend time with her and stuff.

Also, I wanted to ask. If u r gonna do DMSI-3.3 when its out.

[findingme]

No, I've not seen my daughter yet. As I began writing, I felt anger surface at my ex in her own emotional crisis trying to help our daughter when she herself is coming unglued. I texted my ex twice in the last hour about my daughter, and her last response is she's trying to deal with a "melt down panic attack", and couldn't talk right now. Was she referring to herself, or our daughter? I don't know, but I'll dodge the bulldog (and BS), not replying.

I've been kicking myself the last 12 hours since 1. my daughter was discharged yesterday. 2. My ex requested her own mother show up first--for her sake, and also for our daughter. And 3. I hate being around my ex MIL since she's always judged me and disrespected me.

I'm trying to focus on my daughter, and my ex is seeing her problems. WTF?

Originally, my ex said she wanted to shield our daughter from too many people. I'm having to plow through the BS given, and it's pissing me off. She's trying to protect herself, not my daughter. I have no respect for her presently

I'd jump on a plane, but it'd create unneeded drama, and deny my daughter the peace she needs. Such a fucking stupid............

____________________________________________________

[findingme]

Zane,

About 3.3, I've not thought of it lately except for the fact that the FRM might feel really nice. Though I was on autopilot at times around women on 3.2, it did push me to challenge some fears I held to. DMSI without an overload of fear? Sounds really desirable.

I won't be running it when it's out first, since I'll be on E2 for the next 3 months. I'll likely run USLM after that.

But I'll definitely follow threads on 3.3. What are your plans?

[Zane]

I think she shielding ur daughter isn't helping ur daughter at all. Otherwise she won't be in this mess.

Idk when things like this happens then u should be able to figure out if its good for u to visit or not. I mean u are her father why shouldn't u.

Anyway still if u plan to visit her then and don't wanna create the drama which could cause /give tension to ur daughter then.. Just visit ur daughter talk to her, spend time with her, or atleast just be there for her even that helps...Dint give a damn about anyone else.. Ur daughter should be ur focus and this way u will avoid getting in drama.

I see that whenever u try to reach out ur daughter ur ex gets in ur way. You should just visit like a surprise.. This will surprise ur daughter also. Always be unpredictable.. If u keep telling ur ex everything then she's gonna ruin it for ya..

Make ur own decisions.. Dont let ur ex make it for you.. I seriously don't understand how can things get messed up.. If u visited ur daughter.. Doesn't make any sense..

[Zane]

Zane,

About 3.3, I've not thought of it lately except for the fact that the FRM might feel really nice. Though I was on autopilot at times around women on 3.2, it did push me to challenge some fears I held to. DMSI without an overload of fear? Sounds really desirable.

I won't be running it when it's out first, since I'll be on E2 for the next 3 months. I'll likely run USLM after that.

But I'll definitely follow threads on 3.3. What are your plans?

My plans are pretty much same. I will keep an eye on 3.3 journals. But right now now I am on USLM-5.5G.

I am really curious to see how a successful mindset can change certain areas of my life... Areas where I am always struggling with.

DMSI and AM aren't going anywhere. So no worries

[findingme]

I'm changing. I ripped my ex via text for keeping our daughter away from me about 20 minutes ago.

It began with me saying I was mad at her. I'd asked her twice yesterday if my daughter had her phone yet--as my ex had confiscated it since my daughter had put some locks on it. She never acknowledged my question. This morning, I checked my IG account since I'd heard some alerts during the night. I saw my daughter was active yesterday, and this is when I got pissed.

I vented freely. I used cuss words and all, calling her out--not my norm. I was met with loads of "reasons" (excuses) first. I called her on that BS. She began making old jabs to me, calling me victim, saying it was all about me now. I said I wasn't playing victim, I was playing pissed off.

When she said she'd block me, I said I'd call the authorities on her. I have every right to see my daughter as she does.

I vented, yes, but it began to be a norm to call her out on her lies/reasons for doing this. I do notice now when she's wrong, her pride steps up, defending herself with anger and insults vs. facts.

One good thing in all this was she said she wouldn't share this text conversation with our daughter. If anything pisses me off bad, it how she identifies with our daughter, (thinking she) knows everything she does, EVERYTHING. Even reading each other's texts. I texted that she was so far up our daughter's ass. I almost asked her if she thought this was healthy, but held it since I was pissed and it would be taken as an insult, nothing else. It's full on codependency, in living color, creating sick understandings of how people need and want to be treated. That's why her mom, IMO, was sought before me. My ex needs her own needs met currently.


And I'm venting here. I'll stop.


I need relationships in my life, male and female. I'm still learning the rules of male interactions, as 1 or 2 I know don't have many emotional tools themselves. With women, I'm noticing little clues which say to me "no, not that one". Little whines, big emotional reactions, and other expressions tell me there's more where that came from.

I'm noticing this in myself too. My little whines, my lack of responding, or me overreacting tells me I still am growing and healing. If I don't like those parts of me, I communicate "no, I'm not ready for relationships either." Fear is still a cornerstone piece, it seems. But only one step at a time.

I took one today I've very rarely taken.

[findingme]

I'm realizing, even this morning, I'm feeling and seeing my old want to not be responsible, not make good choices, avoid (imagined) confrontations with people, and just plain......fail.

I'm not quite the same at this moment in time. There used to be an excitement I'd feel when running away. It was a mix of "I got away with this!" but also "I hope noone sees me running away." The lies to myself grew and became dominant in my "adult" personality. I was always scared someone would find out my truth and totally reject me. Lies needed more lies. Hiding required more hiding. An endless cycle of "Try. Expect to fail. Fail. Run away from consequences". This habit went on for many years, and I grew accustomed to not succeeding. My life became smaller as I did the same thing, day in and day out.

I have done that same thing here. I expected to fail in almost every single way. I say that with conviction since I've been stuck on words in the PTPA sales page. Those with negative thinking avoid the fear of success. Failing.....was easier. Failing "shielded" me from the battle in my mind that I wasn't worth good things like success and peace in my relationships. I do remember 2 years ago me greatly stressing due to my known sabotaging efforts. I was looking for highs in life via possible businesses and the mental journeys to stay on a specific course, and I saw myself snafu-ing everything I could think as an avenue to success. Here at IML, I'd write, but would quickly begin putting myself down, discounting good things, and even be angry with myself when I achieved some success. (Really??) Yes. I did that so people wouldn't get close, and I'd not have to deal with fearing failure again. That was my thinking, and it touched every single thing I knew was important.

USLM is the latest IML sub, and people are reporting--not enough IMO . The root issues I see in myself I only rarely hear about from users. I know emotional holds keep me (and maybe others) in this cycle of looking at a problem, trying some solution which touches me, but not necessarily changing the root. And maybe that's why I've been in this cycle.

But a big deterrent to going this same loop is PTPA. E2 has it in it, and it's making itself known. Shannon didn't mention it in the USLM sales page, but I'm sure PTPA is a real base to USLM. And reports of feeling calm and unstressed are identical to people's reportings on PTPA 5.5G. Even Shannon mentioned its affects on him.

I've had a lot of emotions come and go this morning, and I'm seeing things differently compared to months and years back. I'm not owned by dark moods, nor fearing bad things happening. I've seen this clearly at work lately, as I've instantly rejected people's adamant statements that things would be "Bad. All bad!" I don't accept that. I just don't. No defense is needed. That thinking has stole many days from me, so why would I want them back? I don't. I have no desire to mingle with this mindset. None at all.

This is a beautiful awareness . I'm grateful I found IML.