10-23-2018, 01:26 AM
I've felt real vulnerable these last 2 days when waking up, sleeping with E2 running. Softer, and knowing I've pushed people away consistently.
I've had a family magazine in my bathroom for the last 3 years, and 2 nights ago I opened it. It's loaded with feel good, relevant stories, and in times past I'd read one and have a good cry. The same happened two days ago.
I read one story first, which softened me, and I followed the internal que to keep reading. Damn. It got me. A true story about a man who began teaching inner city kids football. They even made a movie about it. He began saying while all that was true, his story had never been told.
His own father was in and out of his life. He had one highlight moment in highschool, making the winning play in a major football game. He was estatic. Like all the other kids, he looked for his parents to celebrate with. While others left with their dads, he never saw his. It burned him.
Life happened, he grew up, and that pain festered. Upon being asked, he even began training young highschoolers football. And during this time, through a number of events, his anger at his dad smoldered. He'd go off on his wife and kids at times, swear at his players ocassionally, and he sat with it.
He knew this anger owned him. He was told via his wife that he could meet with his dad if he wanted. What?!!!! She knew his anger owned him too, and he had to let it go. He agreed to meet him.
His father was old now, feeble and greying, and he'd not seen him in over 20 years. His first question was "why didn't you ever go to any of my high school games?"
His dad hesitated. Then began a stream of excuses. He was cut off.
The dad tried apologizing again, riddled with excuses. He was cut off again.
He blurted it out quickly. "Dad, I forgive you. All those things I've been mad at you about, I forgive you."
His dad began spewing excuses again. He was cut off.
"I forgive you. No reasons are needed".
The father stopped. He heard it. And began bawling. He even began finding excuses again, but was quickly cut off.
He said he's not buddy buddy with his dad now, but he visits ocassionally. He cleared the air.
I cried reading that. It offers me an example of how I "could" do this with my brother. And my mother. And my sister..........I've been finding a lineup lately.
E2 is allowing this, even encouraging it. This, and other stories, sit with me.
I've had a family magazine in my bathroom for the last 3 years, and 2 nights ago I opened it. It's loaded with feel good, relevant stories, and in times past I'd read one and have a good cry. The same happened two days ago.
I read one story first, which softened me, and I followed the internal que to keep reading. Damn. It got me. A true story about a man who began teaching inner city kids football. They even made a movie about it. He began saying while all that was true, his story had never been told.
His own father was in and out of his life. He had one highlight moment in highschool, making the winning play in a major football game. He was estatic. Like all the other kids, he looked for his parents to celebrate with. While others left with their dads, he never saw his. It burned him.
Life happened, he grew up, and that pain festered. Upon being asked, he even began training young highschoolers football. And during this time, through a number of events, his anger at his dad smoldered. He'd go off on his wife and kids at times, swear at his players ocassionally, and he sat with it.
He knew this anger owned him. He was told via his wife that he could meet with his dad if he wanted. What?!!!! She knew his anger owned him too, and he had to let it go. He agreed to meet him.
His father was old now, feeble and greying, and he'd not seen him in over 20 years. His first question was "why didn't you ever go to any of my high school games?"
His dad hesitated. Then began a stream of excuses. He was cut off.
The dad tried apologizing again, riddled with excuses. He was cut off again.
He blurted it out quickly. "Dad, I forgive you. All those things I've been mad at you about, I forgive you."
His dad began spewing excuses again. He was cut off.
"I forgive you. No reasons are needed".
The father stopped. He heard it. And began bawling. He even began finding excuses again, but was quickly cut off.
He said he's not buddy buddy with his dad now, but he visits ocassionally. He cleared the air.
I cried reading that. It offers me an example of how I "could" do this with my brother. And my mother. And my sister..........I've been finding a lineup lately.
E2 is allowing this, even encouraging it. This, and other stories, sit with me.
I want to be FREE!
