10-04-2018, 02:43 PM
I need to write this, for me.
I had a different sort of night listening to E2 last night. For one, I'd gotten both Ben's and Shannon's direction to keep my focus on E2 currently, and Shannon admonished me to stay on E2 until I didn't need to look to another sub. About every time I've faced discomfort and fear on a sub, I mentally shop around, looking for greener grass. I own at least 5 subs I don't use due to that.
Last night, I purposely did not coffee up, and I even dropped in bed about 3 hours early, not sleeping fully, but resting and relaxing. I wasn't physically exhausted. But the holding back of my own feelings is exhausting.
Last night, I actually felt some grief I'd faced full-on while using UD. I didn't cry much at all; I was just very aware I'd dissed my own feelings repeatedly. And I was aware I'd feared trusting myself with my emotions. At work I do this, seeking confirmation that I'm making a good choice, believing......that I can't do it, or I'll fail doing it alone. Growing up, I was never alone before age 13, so decisions were always made together. A safety was created that way, meaning if I were punished, I'd not be alone in it. And my mom never singled us out. We were usually punished together.
Trusting myself...........I have no memories growing up that success could be achieved, and my mission at that age was to make my mom happy. No discussion ever about this, just a feeling I carried. A hope I could make my mom happy. Feels sad now. It was never achieved. Sounds like I'm making a stance for a new sub. No. I'm stating why my childhood was sad for me. My focus was all on her, but she was, and still is, sad. Frozen in her memories. Hiding behind a chemically based veil.
I still run by this thinking a bit. I'm sick of handing my power over. I'm serious. There's an AlAnon meeting tonight, and I've avoided them in times past since......s***, I'd simply agreed that I am playing (rule 4 character) in her life. And being more honest, I've projected "mom" onto almost any female in meetings, and AlAnon is 95% women. Which means I've played a part to "not lose love" of mother figures. I need emotional rest tonight, so I am not going. E2 is healing me and showing me I can heal myself. What a strange realization!
AlAnon is not about taking one's power away at all. This is MY thinking and misunderstanding presently, in case anyone is wondering.
E2. I went back on the sales page to remind myself of what it focuses on last night, and I swam in the possibilities of what it could do. And many of my notes are of current or past experiences on E2.
Healing and regenerating yourself mentally and emotionally. (I've sought and sought healing. And I've thought it......unreachable at times. I assumed another person was required, which has stymied me)
Healing from emotional damage as a result of sexual dysfunction, trauma and abuse.
Training yourself to heal and regenerate automatically. (This is a beautiful possibility)
Self compassion and self consideration in all the ways that maximize your self-healing, self regeneration and emotional pain relief. (AKA being nice to myself)
Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear 5G (full script), plus additional tweaks to that script not found in the release version of that program as a stand alone.
Training yourself to overcome guilt, shame and fear.
Outgrowing guilt, shame and fear. (I can ALLOW this
)
Learn whatever is necessary to outgrow guilt, shame and fear.
Projection of part of the awareness into the future in which the goals have been safely and successfully achieved, and then pulling the “now” self to that future through the connection. (I've felt this already, and am aware of it. VERY grateful for this!)
Optimus Engine 3.0 directed at achieving all the goals of the program safely and successfully.
Focus on overcoming guilt, shame and fear.
Disconnect from guilt, shame and fear, and allow yourself to work with them safely and as objectively as possible.
Make the process of overcoming guilt, shame and fear as enjoyable as possible.
Appreciate yourself in all the right ways to allow for maximum success in self regeneration and healing. (Valuing myself.....wow)
Let go of and stop needing/seeking the approval of and permission of others for your self-healing and regenerating. (There's a anger which has grown in me, knowing I need time and space from toxic people so I can grow. Even becoming more aware of my own toxic thinking)
Give yourself approval and permission to live the life that allows you to heal and regenerate, stay healed and regenerated, and allows you to be genuinely happy(Just considering this excites me!), and to genuinely heal and regenerate.
Overcome The Victim Mentality (full script).
Deservedness for healing and regenerating and being healed and regenerated. (That word swirled in my mind. It's a healing word to me)
End and prevent self pity and any desire to engage in it. (I've seriously not even gone there lately. It gives all my power away. NO!!!!)
End and prevent any desire to have pity from others.
End and prevent self sabotage in self healing and regeneration. (Respecting rule 4 here, I thank *** for this, as sabotaging due to fear SEEMED normal for SO long. It's a miracle I'm still running this!)
Physical, mental and emotional relaxation to maximize and benefit healing and regeneration.
Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude (full program script).
Neutralize internal negativity and make yourself immune to internal and external negativity.(I've been seeing this happen repeatedly at work)
Allow for happiness, self healing and regenerating through genuine gratitude and appreciation. (This has been showing up A LOT at work too)
Make yourself worthy of your own self love, and allow you to be loving towards yourself.(Again, I'm seeing myself as deserving of self love, slowly)
Fill yourself with unconditional, non-specific loving, healing and regenerating energy, and use it to help you heal and regenerate.
Like yourself, and if necessary, make yourself deserving of self liking and self love, and adjust yourself to be someone you can like and love. (This is gold to me)
Generate and maintain hope.
Generate and allow all necessary self confidence for healing and regenerating. (I think I felt this today. A feeling like "yeah, I can do this")
Transform anger into a positive that assists in healing and regenerating not only the self, but the causes for the anger.
Self esteem/respect/self worth and validity enhancement.
Let go of and heal and regenerate anything that might hold you back from healing and regenerating, and move on into a state of healing and regenerating. (This may have been what I felt as grief last night in bed)
Mental, physical and emotional stress relief.
Overcome the urge to change subs to avoid dealing with things the program is helping you with. (I've goofed, and asked for help. Accountability is important to me)
Take full responsibility for your beliefs, thoughts, actions, choices and outcomes, and the results you get from using this program. (I think I'm getting there. It doesn't feel brand new, but I've fought it, attempting to not change. Not a good result, so I'm taking this seriously now)
Learn what is necessary to let go of the past, so that you can let go of the past.
Repair yourself mentally, emotionally and sexually.
Self enabling and allowing for self healing and regeneration. (I want this. Again, I want this. Really, really bad. I may be doing this now)
Forgive those who it would benefit you and your healing to forgive – including yourself. (I felt this for myself weeks back)
Achieving balance mentally, physically and emotionally.
So, that's where I am. There's SO much more I could have written.
I had a different sort of night listening to E2 last night. For one, I'd gotten both Ben's and Shannon's direction to keep my focus on E2 currently, and Shannon admonished me to stay on E2 until I didn't need to look to another sub. About every time I've faced discomfort and fear on a sub, I mentally shop around, looking for greener grass. I own at least 5 subs I don't use due to that.
Last night, I purposely did not coffee up, and I even dropped in bed about 3 hours early, not sleeping fully, but resting and relaxing. I wasn't physically exhausted. But the holding back of my own feelings is exhausting.
Last night, I actually felt some grief I'd faced full-on while using UD. I didn't cry much at all; I was just very aware I'd dissed my own feelings repeatedly. And I was aware I'd feared trusting myself with my emotions. At work I do this, seeking confirmation that I'm making a good choice, believing......that I can't do it, or I'll fail doing it alone. Growing up, I was never alone before age 13, so decisions were always made together. A safety was created that way, meaning if I were punished, I'd not be alone in it. And my mom never singled us out. We were usually punished together.
Trusting myself...........I have no memories growing up that success could be achieved, and my mission at that age was to make my mom happy. No discussion ever about this, just a feeling I carried. A hope I could make my mom happy. Feels sad now. It was never achieved. Sounds like I'm making a stance for a new sub. No. I'm stating why my childhood was sad for me. My focus was all on her, but she was, and still is, sad. Frozen in her memories. Hiding behind a chemically based veil.
I still run by this thinking a bit. I'm sick of handing my power over. I'm serious. There's an AlAnon meeting tonight, and I've avoided them in times past since......s***, I'd simply agreed that I am playing (rule 4 character) in her life. And being more honest, I've projected "mom" onto almost any female in meetings, and AlAnon is 95% women. Which means I've played a part to "not lose love" of mother figures. I need emotional rest tonight, so I am not going. E2 is healing me and showing me I can heal myself. What a strange realization!
AlAnon is not about taking one's power away at all. This is MY thinking and misunderstanding presently, in case anyone is wondering.
E2. I went back on the sales page to remind myself of what it focuses on last night, and I swam in the possibilities of what it could do. And many of my notes are of current or past experiences on E2.
Healing and regenerating yourself mentally and emotionally. (I've sought and sought healing. And I've thought it......unreachable at times. I assumed another person was required, which has stymied me)
Healing from emotional damage as a result of sexual dysfunction, trauma and abuse.
Training yourself to heal and regenerate automatically. (This is a beautiful possibility)
Self compassion and self consideration in all the ways that maximize your self-healing, self regeneration and emotional pain relief. (AKA being nice to myself)
Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear 5G (full script), plus additional tweaks to that script not found in the release version of that program as a stand alone.
Training yourself to overcome guilt, shame and fear.
Outgrowing guilt, shame and fear. (I can ALLOW this
)Learn whatever is necessary to outgrow guilt, shame and fear.
Projection of part of the awareness into the future in which the goals have been safely and successfully achieved, and then pulling the “now” self to that future through the connection. (I've felt this already, and am aware of it. VERY grateful for this!)
Optimus Engine 3.0 directed at achieving all the goals of the program safely and successfully.
Focus on overcoming guilt, shame and fear.
Disconnect from guilt, shame and fear, and allow yourself to work with them safely and as objectively as possible.
Make the process of overcoming guilt, shame and fear as enjoyable as possible.
Appreciate yourself in all the right ways to allow for maximum success in self regeneration and healing. (Valuing myself.....wow)
Let go of and stop needing/seeking the approval of and permission of others for your self-healing and regenerating. (There's a anger which has grown in me, knowing I need time and space from toxic people so I can grow. Even becoming more aware of my own toxic thinking)
Give yourself approval and permission to live the life that allows you to heal and regenerate, stay healed and regenerated, and allows you to be genuinely happy(Just considering this excites me!), and to genuinely heal and regenerate.
Overcome The Victim Mentality (full script).
Deservedness for healing and regenerating and being healed and regenerated. (That word swirled in my mind. It's a healing word to me)
End and prevent self pity and any desire to engage in it. (I've seriously not even gone there lately. It gives all my power away. NO!!!!)
End and prevent any desire to have pity from others.
End and prevent self sabotage in self healing and regeneration. (Respecting rule 4 here, I thank *** for this, as sabotaging due to fear SEEMED normal for SO long. It's a miracle I'm still running this!)
Physical, mental and emotional relaxation to maximize and benefit healing and regeneration.
Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude (full program script).
Neutralize internal negativity and make yourself immune to internal and external negativity.(I've been seeing this happen repeatedly at work)
Allow for happiness, self healing and regenerating through genuine gratitude and appreciation. (This has been showing up A LOT at work too)
Make yourself worthy of your own self love, and allow you to be loving towards yourself.(Again, I'm seeing myself as deserving of self love, slowly)
Fill yourself with unconditional, non-specific loving, healing and regenerating energy, and use it to help you heal and regenerate.
Like yourself, and if necessary, make yourself deserving of self liking and self love, and adjust yourself to be someone you can like and love. (This is gold to me)
Generate and maintain hope.
Generate and allow all necessary self confidence for healing and regenerating. (I think I felt this today. A feeling like "yeah, I can do this")
Transform anger into a positive that assists in healing and regenerating not only the self, but the causes for the anger.
Self esteem/respect/self worth and validity enhancement.
Let go of and heal and regenerate anything that might hold you back from healing and regenerating, and move on into a state of healing and regenerating. (This may have been what I felt as grief last night in bed)
Mental, physical and emotional stress relief.
Overcome the urge to change subs to avoid dealing with things the program is helping you with. (I've goofed, and asked for help. Accountability is important to me)
Take full responsibility for your beliefs, thoughts, actions, choices and outcomes, and the results you get from using this program. (I think I'm getting there. It doesn't feel brand new, but I've fought it, attempting to not change. Not a good result, so I'm taking this seriously now)
Learn what is necessary to let go of the past, so that you can let go of the past.
Repair yourself mentally, emotionally and sexually.
Self enabling and allowing for self healing and regeneration. (I want this. Again, I want this. Really, really bad. I may be doing this now)
Forgive those who it would benefit you and your healing to forgive – including yourself. (I felt this for myself weeks back)
Achieving balance mentally, physically and emotionally.
So, that's where I am. There's SO much more I could have written.
I want to be FREE!
