Findingme's E2 journal

[findingme]

Where I am presently: I'm slowly finding an answer I've sought heavily over the years, but have buried it lately due to fears and shame. I'm feeling me shift more toward my own desires vs. anything everyone else desires.

I get Rich Dad emails since he's encouraging in general, I've subscribed to various investor's emailings, and...........something is changing in me. Shannon replied to an E2 user years back about them finding passion in old career interests while on E2, and he said E2 can definitely realign one's personal goals and ambitions back to their original desires.

And 2 things have surfaced in the last 12 hours. First, after our money game last night, I talked with one of the guys outside before leaving, and I realized something was coming out in me during our discussion. This guy is all hypey and motivated to become a multi-millionaire. I'm not. I know how I can become financially free with investments and businesses, I'm even opening one door presently, but money and the pure focus on it I've never had. That's not who I am. I felt ok with this, and it was peaceful.

And this morning I signed up for a free money mindset training course, even feeling unsure about my passion on it. I've received several followup emails, and I've not opened them. While even looking at the email titles, I thought "really?" I've been following everyone else's passions, everyone else's desires, ......... and I've been a notorious "yes man". No profits, just lots of agreeing, with me fearing abandonment if I didn't say yes. This was my norm.

However, I got into subliminals originally with this desire: I wanted to help people. And Shannon's subs have checked me. I was originally just feeling insecure, hoping if I lied about me, you and I both would believe it (true, very very true). UD was mainly responsible for correcting me, and I'm undecided today which sub I'll use after E2 due to that (Healing? Productivity? Facing fears of growth?). I'm considering UD, MLS, or USLM.

Again, for me this change is new to me. I'm excited, coupled with fearful, as I may be heading into doing something I've wanted to do a very long time. It involves me being successful, and responsible for myself. Since I've been playing a child's role in my head so long, even I am shocked. I don't have a clear outline on what my goal is, but my desire is becoming much clearer (!)

[findingme]

"If something doesn't challenge you, you can't grow from it"

I thought of E2 when I read this on IG when I came home, as I've been fighting it from finding my junk and changing me lately. But.....even before coming home, I circled in my head since my home, a room I've rented the last 7 years, is changing. My understandings are changing. As I write, I think of my norm of coming home and hiding to feel safe. Coming home and hiding has been my daily norm and reprieve for all these years. Something is changing; I'm just not sure what's happening.

I thought hiding was......normal, and needed. It was how people disconnected from others who were seen as dangerous. Something feels sad inside me.

And are today's happenings connected? (crying now, not sure why)
Since we were short drivers today, I worked with a young black driver who's quiet but very attentive. He's worked here 6 months, but I'd never talked to him. I actually spoke to him my first time in the bathroom last Friday, passing each other. Well, today we both relaxed working together, even laughing a good bit. At the end of the day he shared something which touches me the more I think of it.

He said he needed help on his route last Friday, and he sought out our management to find help. They found some of my workers, and asked each if they were willing to work with the driver. I was told each said clearly "no. I want to stay here. I want to work with findingme." This driver was, of course, disappointed not finding help then, but his sharing this just hours ago is hitting me now.

I've not thought I was important or even wanted, I've hid from people and places to not be reminded of this feeling, and to not feel the pain of old, unloving relationships. I'm crying on and off now.

People wanted to be around me.

Why?
What is healing in me?

[findingme]

I had an ok day at work, but I was insecure, meaning I was scared to just be myself. I worked with only 2 regulars, and both were unmotivated much of the time, IMO.

Why did I feel insecure?

I felt insecure since I feel "me" being worked on, yet I haven't had that need to be all me in whatever mood I'm in. My experience on UD pointed me to that......for I realize now that I was insecure today since I felt dependent on other's approval of me since I wasn't liking or accepting myself much. I was in charge, but I was not comfortable (scared, actually) to trigger possible anger from them. I felt like I was failing, and that's how I perceived myself in other's eyes. We're on camera at our facility, noone knows when they're looking, and I'm usually moving so much due to that. I felt like I was fighting for approval, without even approving of myself.

During writing that last sentence, I wanted to blame my coworkers. And...I'm feeling mad at/disliking of myself, an unresolved feeling throughout the day.

Where is E2 in this?

I feel like E2 is pointing me towards loving myself. And maybe it's the emotional shielding on E2, but loving myself actually involves some grieving of old things, and E2 really suppresses that. I've felt it (a little), but easily pushed it away. I have fond remembrances of feeling and grieving easily while on UD, which is why I can easily say "I'd never done that". I'd like more of that with E2 if it'll allow it.

I do have my eyes on UD once off E2. But mainly since it allows and promotes emotional honesty. After my adjustment period on UD, I realized how big this was for me, a feeler.

[Greenduck]

Keep up the work! You will get through the hardness times try not to focus on the hard stuff but on making improvements and moving forward.

[findingme]

Thanks Greenduck!

[findingme]

I need to write this, for me.

I had a different sort of night listening to E2 last night. For one, I'd gotten both Ben's and Shannon's direction to keep my focus on E2 currently, and Shannon admonished me to stay on E2 until I didn't need to look to another sub. About every time I've faced discomfort and fear on a sub, I mentally shop around, looking for greener grass. I own at least 5 subs I don't use due to that.

Last night, I purposely did not coffee up, and I even dropped in bed about 3 hours early, not sleeping fully, but resting and relaxing. I wasn't physically exhausted. But the holding back of my own feelings is exhausting.

Last night, I actually felt some grief I'd faced full-on while using UD. I didn't cry much at all; I was just very aware I'd dissed my own feelings repeatedly. And I was aware I'd feared trusting myself with my emotions. At work I do this, seeking confirmation that I'm making a good choice, believing......that I can't do it, or I'll fail doing it alone. Growing up, I was never alone before age 13, so decisions were always made together. A safety was created that way, meaning if I were punished, I'd not be alone in it. And my mom never singled us out. We were usually punished together.

Trusting myself...........I have no memories growing up that success could be achieved, and my mission at that age was to make my mom happy. No discussion ever about this, just a feeling I carried. A hope I could make my mom happy. Feels sad now. It was never achieved. Sounds like I'm making a stance for a new sub. No. I'm stating why my childhood was sad for me. My focus was all on her, but she was, and still is, sad. Frozen in her memories. Hiding behind a chemically based veil.

I still run by this thinking a bit. I'm sick of handing my power over. I'm serious. There's an AlAnon meeting tonight, and I've avoided them in times past since......s***, I'd simply agreed that I am playing (rule 4 character) in her life. And being more honest, I've projected "mom" onto almost any female in meetings, and AlAnon is 95% women. Which means I've played a part to "not lose love" of mother figures. I need emotional rest tonight, so I am not going. E2 is healing me and showing me I can heal myself. What a strange realization!

AlAnon is not about taking one's power away at all. This is MY thinking and misunderstanding presently, in case anyone is wondering.

E2. I went back on the sales page to remind myself of what it focuses on last night, and I swam in the possibilities of what it could do. And many of my notes are of current or past experiences on E2.

Healing and regenerating yourself mentally and emotionally. (I've sought and sought healing. And I've thought it......unreachable at times. I assumed another person was required, which has stymied me)
Healing from emotional damage as a result of sexual dysfunction, trauma and abuse.
Training yourself to heal and regenerate automatically. (This is a beautiful possibility)
Self compassion and self consideration in all the ways that maximize your self-healing, self regeneration and emotional pain relief. (AKA being nice to myself)
Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear 5G (full script), plus additional tweaks to that script not found in the release version of that program as a stand alone.
Training yourself to overcome guilt, shame and fear.
Outgrowing guilt, shame and fear. (I can ALLOW this )
Learn whatever is necessary to outgrow guilt, shame and fear.
Projection of part of the awareness into the future in which the goals have been safely and successfully achieved, and then pulling the “now” self to that future through the connection. (I've felt this already, and am aware of it. VERY grateful for this!)
Optimus Engine 3.0 directed at achieving all the goals of the program safely and successfully.
Focus on overcoming guilt, shame and fear.
Disconnect from guilt, shame and fear, and allow yourself to work with them safely and as objectively as possible.
Make the process of overcoming guilt, shame and fear as enjoyable as possible.
Appreciate yourself in all the right ways to allow for maximum success in self regeneration and healing. (Valuing myself.....wow)
Let go of and stop needing/seeking the approval of and permission of others for your self-healing and regenerating. (There's a anger which has grown in me, knowing I need time and space from toxic people so I can grow. Even becoming more aware of my own toxic thinking)
Give yourself approval and permission to live the life that allows you to heal and regenerate, stay healed and regenerated, and allows you to be genuinely happy(Just considering this excites me!), and to genuinely heal and regenerate.
Overcome The Victim Mentality (full script).
Deservedness for healing and regenerating and being healed and regenerated. (That word swirled in my mind. It's a healing word to me)
End and prevent self pity and any desire to engage in it. (I've seriously not even gone there lately. It gives all my power away. NO!!!!)
End and prevent any desire to have pity from others.
End and prevent self sabotage in self healing and regeneration. (Respecting rule 4 here, I thank *** for this, as sabotaging due to fear SEEMED normal for SO long. It's a miracle I'm still running this!)
Physical, mental and emotional relaxation to maximize and benefit healing and regeneration.
Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude (full program script).
Neutralize internal negativity and make yourself immune to internal and external negativity.(I've been seeing this happen repeatedly at work)
Allow for happiness, self healing and regenerating through genuine gratitude and appreciation. (This has been showing up A LOT at work too)
Make yourself worthy of your own self love, and allow you to be loving towards yourself.(Again, I'm seeing myself as deserving of self love, slowly)
Fill yourself with unconditional, non-specific loving, healing and regenerating energy, and use it to help you heal and regenerate.
Like yourself, and if necessary, make yourself deserving of self liking and self love, and adjust yourself to be someone you can like and love. (This is gold to me)
Generate and maintain hope.
Generate and allow all necessary self confidence for healing and regenerating. (I think I felt this today. A feeling like "yeah, I can do this")
Transform anger into a positive that assists in healing and regenerating not only the self, but the causes for the anger.
Self esteem/respect/self worth and validity enhancement.
Let go of and heal and regenerate anything that might hold you back from healing and regenerating, and move on into a state of healing and regenerating. (This may have been what I felt as grief last night in bed)
Mental, physical and emotional stress relief.
Overcome the urge to change subs to avoid dealing with things the program is helping you with. (I've goofed, and asked for help. Accountability is important to me)
Take full responsibility for your beliefs, thoughts, actions, choices and outcomes, and the results you get from using this program. (I think I'm getting there. It doesn't feel brand new, but I've fought it, attempting to not change. Not a good result, so I'm taking this seriously now)
Learn what is necessary to let go of the past, so that you can let go of the past.
Repair yourself mentally, emotionally and sexually.
Self enabling and allowing for self healing and regeneration. (I want this. Again, I want this. Really, really bad. I may be doing this now)
Forgive those who it would benefit you and your healing to forgive – including yourself. (I felt this for myself weeks back)
Achieving balance mentally, physically and emotionally.


So, that's where I am. There's SO much more I could have written.

[findingme]

I'll write this, then leave.

E2 has identified something in me, and it's steering me more to not come and be my normal self, which is fear based. When I've been out with friends, I've thought of posting, mostly since all my relationships have been based on me fearing losing people in my life. Old "comfortable" habits have looked for their normal routine. Also, (this is big) me posting means I'm at home hiding, which is an old fear-based habit.

I seriously had to think of what I would honestly write before coming here. My habits depended on you (anyone) liking me, approving of me, and me hoping you (anyone again) would direct and lead me, me playing a small child's role. It is a childhood belief and practice that I had resisted giving up. I'm unsure how much I've changed so far, but I didn't initiate this. The part where I'm not seeking permission to heal and regenerate myself, along with self validation, is fighting to be true.

Seriously, I'm not here to seek and beg for attention. I'm trying to validate myself.

I'm going to jump off now.

EDIT: I'd thought of my implied anger, this "f*** you!" attitude, since it seemed pointed at "you" again. I've actually been angry at myself posting, for there's a lot of unknown in this. Anger is a reaction which comes from 2 places: fear or pain. E2's job is to uncover them. I felt both while writing, fear mostly.

[findingme]

Out of that same "not seeking permission to heal and regenerate myself", I did not text my mom any time this weekend, nor did I visit her today. I'd normally go out of a feeling of guilt, even shame. I'm just not ok with her running my life, which has been in my thinking. It was an old victim mindset I carried. I'd planned, as of yesterday, to go, grudgingly, unwillingly, and full of resistance.

But this morning's awareness has remained. If I went to my mom's, I'd believe I had to undo the thinking and feeling that surfaced this morning. I'm not wanting to give this up.

I just don't want to gaf. Because guilt is trying to have its way. It's old thinking, and that's why I'm running subs--to change me. My mom's not evil. She is just very unloving towards herself. I "know" I'm not responsible for her emotional welfare, but my feelings still speak up. I'll mind my OWN business today.

[findingme]

I am going to share something that happened yesterday. It touched me deeply. E2 chipped away at my mental fortress of distancing everyone in my life. I've done this so I wouldn't be hurt.

It started out in the morning, reading some rule 4 stuff. I was challenged to take. Just take. The message was here we are on a transactional playfield, but not all relationships are based on the "I receive since I gave too". This challenged me since.......that's how adults live. Don't they? I've been living by this the vast majority of my life.

Then, after coming home from work, I contacted my trader, a female. I'd been setting up one trading platform (BTC), had experienced some delays this week, and Friday night I was cleared, so I finished opening the account. I felt miffed when I was directed to another trading platform on Saturday. I asked "did I waste my time opening that account?" and was told their rates had dropped, so another was better at the moment.

I felt used, plus I wondered if I was being taken, as I've been lied to before. E2 had me slightly pissed, so I rode on the emotion that "women can be really untrustworthy". I had a game to play with some guy friends in the next town, so I left, knowing I'd stop at the dollar store.

I'll share I was nervous about estranging people in my anger, as noone in person had wronged me. I thought about this when I arrived at the dollar store, my weekly ritual to pick up work snacks and household items. I walked in, purposefully avoiding eye contact with people, as it was decently busy.

I chose to speak with the male clerk in the aisle, as I know his job of restocking is constant, and we talked a minute. One cute girl was in there......I picked up she'd seen me, but I realized she was trying to avoid eye contact. Maybe it's just in my head. But when an attractive woman begins acting nervous while looking for supplies, I'm reading she's nervous about me when we were looking for attention just moments ago.

So, I got my stuff and got in line, still holding my anger inside. 2 things touched me, back to back. I was vulnerable, so I felt these little things.

I moved my stuff easily in line, and paid. The clerk said, "Thank you Mr. *****" (my name). How'd he know my name? I'd paid with my debit. I took it as an act of respect.

Then....immediately after that, I picked up my bags and turned towards the door. A woman, a customer in her late 70's or 80's, had opened the door for me, beaming a big, happy smile. I said loudly "Thank you very much" to let her know I appreciated it. And that's what broke me.

I walked to my scooter, feeling like my emotions had become jello. Tears came to my eyes, I loaded my stuff, and cried on and off riding to my friend's house. I rode slowly at first, to allow for the tears and emotion coming up.

I realized I thought EVERY relationship was based on some transaction where I give something to get something. I'd done absolutely nothing for that lady. She WANTED to help me, and did so freely. My angry wall fell when she did that.

I got to my friend's house, I was asked "how're you doing?", and I replied "mushy. I feel real vulernable right now". He first said "uh oh". He asked why, and I shared I'd try but I knew I needed to cry, and I did while sharing. I shared how my transactional mindset had just been challenged, and he understood when I shared what happened. I've been keeping my guard up by not giving to people, for then they'll try to give back, and I'll be indebted to them emotionally. And this woman I'd given nothing to. She gave freely to me, seeking nothing in return. This broke me.

I am not sure what E2 opened up in me, but this still makes me cry.

[findingme]

I've had big and little revelations lately on E2. I've resisted coming on here and writing just for other's acceptance, which is an old fear based manipulation I've used. I'm withdrawing from doing it, gradually, at work too. No rush--and the manipulation is all fear based, meaning I write to outrun the truth. E2's pace is pro and con, depending on how fast or slow I'm wishing to go each day.

I was working with 2 others today, and I felt good. Not ecstatic, just grateful I was in peaceful and positive communication with male peers around me. A BIG sidenote on this, which I've seen coming back to me these last 2 weeks, is my positivity. I have undervalued thinking positively, mainly since.....I was not positive? Made me laugh writing that. But I was working with these 2 today, one an ex-Army National Guard artilleryman, and he said something as a remark which I caught. It was something along the lines of "since you're oh so positive", which I took as a compliment. We mock and tease each other throughout the day, and I enjoy the kid-ish playing. I even remarked about it when leaving, which wasn't planned, and he said it makes the day go by much easier, which I really REALLY agree with. We're doing some unintelligent work for the main boss, and my prior stress was "how can I make others happy?" I'm not focused on them (or all fearful about it). I'm enjoying being with myself, in my own thinking, and sharing it comfortably when asked, or when it'd benefit others around.

For example, we were discussing our head boss, a man who provokes fear easily in his employees--he uses it to manipulate people when needed. I shared something which I'd not even thought of until we brought it up. I shared the ONLY times I'm afraid of him now is when I'm not wanting to take responsibility on something. That alone says something to me, for I said the truth without "checking/cross-checking/hesitating" again and again. Those good changes feel GOOD. I thought of it also since I heard myself fearing taking responsibility, and being on E2 (surprisingly) has hit on this. Sharing now, I've feared doing so since I feared being overused/misused. Maybe since I've had a soft spot for......ooooo....people who don't take responsibility on themselves. I spot it, I got it. While I write this, I'm actively being kind to myself. I've tried to hide from growing and living life. I'd done that for long stretches. E2 is just letting me see those challenges are not so scary anymore.

E2 is a kind tool, filled with reminders to keep on living. For fear is a liar. And growth is a rewarder to those that seek it out

[findingme]

Triggered today. Feeling old feelings wanting to come out. Listening to E2 now, as talking about PTSD sufferers today triggered something in me.

I worked most of the day with my department equal, a 28 yo guy from NY, but he acts kiddish a lot, so it's been comfortable working with him. And though he was in the Army National Guard, he never deployed overseas. I've listened to his stories of boot camp and practice drills, and I'd never felt unsafe in my gut, like I might be triggered. I'm not sure the last time I felt triggered.

But....today we talked about his deployment for Hurricane Sandy, as he witnessed people acting very desperately. He kept talking about it, as we worked late. I felt that brother-like tug in my gut, and he shared something which is hitting home.

He accidentally learned firsthand about PTSD from a sergeant of his who'd served in the Middle East. Since he and the sarge always teased and joked with each other on base (here in the US), one day he took his laser scope, the kind with the red dot showing, and pointed it around his sarge, inching it closer to him (they were both artillerymen). It took maybe 10 seconds, but the sarge, in split seconds, had thrown himself under a desk, and reacted like he was carrying a rifle in his empty arms, pointing it at snipers in his vicinity. My coworker had no clue this would happen, apologized profusely again and again, and took him out for meals for weeks after, all after seeing he'd flipped a live switch in the sarge, him immediately thinking he was in battle. To this day, he is extremely reluctant to even ask other vets about things like physical scars, as he's scared it'll possibly wake some memory up. He deeply regretted this experience.

Well, for me, my brother feelings were surfacing, as him almost following me around in simple tasks made me see....maybe project...that he was seeking a brother figure. I did project this on him, for I became slowly more uncomfortable the more he followed. He wasn't weird. But after talking about PTSD stuff, I wondered if I had old live memories in me.

While walking to our cars, I began dropping my guard, and hints of very strong feelings rose. I almost left, but maybe in brother seeking mode, I said something honest to him.

"Hey, I wanted to let you know your stories hit something in me. (I thought quickly)........I'll share it tomorrow"

"Huh? What is it?"

"No, I'll share it tomorrow. I'll see you later"

I realized something powerful was rising in me. I didn't share, as I was too raw at that moment. It felt like something giant was trying to get out. I had to get home to listen to E2, as it felt like a train was coming (symbolically). My phone battery had been low most of the day, so I'd had my phone off.

Thank you Shannon. I've had rest and positivity lately on E2. But without it, I might have done some major desperate distraction tonight. How else would I cope in immediate need? I thought of E2 first.

Thank you for making this.

[findingme]

I'm lonely. I feel like something's been broken down, a defense to keep people away, and I'm gradually letting people back in. A part of me has felt sadness with this, though I've not had much down time to sit with it. I may.......or may not cancel on my friends tomorrow night, though do-nothing time is nice. However, I am more in need of relationships in my life presently.

This morning I texted my daughter. I'd had some "victim dad" thinking going on and off since..........can't finish that line. I texted her, then saw she'd posted something on IG, and I messaged her a compliment.

I also texted my mom with a "I love you mom". I'm really wanting to retire the "I'll save you" role and thinking; I'm tired of purposely avoiding me when I go there. Only I can do that. I have fear remaining, thus I've not made any move yet. My mom is a capable adult. She doesn't need saving. I'm feeling I can love her with some limits. And only I can set my limits. My text was a message to remind her she wasn't hated--she'd thought that before.

Then, tonight I went to the store to get just some bananas for work. I got gas first, and when waiting in line at the station, a beautiful young mom with 3 young kids was in line in front of me. I smiled when I saw her kids, as they were just being kids. The mom looked at me, we caught eyes for a few seconds, and she quickly changed how she had been handling the toddler she was holding. Instead of being impatient (her other two were on the ground), she quickly put her nose in her toddler's chest, making playful sounds. I was honored and flattered she was doing this in my presence. I thought "she did this for me?" Nothing came of that, but I checked myself since I'd felt undeserving of good things prior to this.

Even today, my boss showed me some trust, and I felt honored. Again, I was thinking "you trust me? Really?" And later I told my coworker about this. I was needing to spit out some honesty, so I shared.......I'd not trusted myself much.

And I'm being honest here. I purchased USLM last night, not since I'm jonesing for a new sub. I will go to Halloween (at least) on E2. I've felt uncomfortable and not fully up to par, but I'm knowing the ugly always precedes the breakthroughs, both mentally and physically. I purchased USLM since 1. Shannon mentioned the fear removal modules may jump the price later, 2. fear of success is a major hideout in my life, a common loophole I stop MANY things with, and 3. I'm really curious if the FRM will work like Shannon hopes it will. I'm reading USLM journals to see effects. I do own US4G, and many months back, while listening to it, I felt a rush, a really good feeling. I just felt good. No plans or ideas of future projects (that I remember). I just felt good.

Presently, I have no plan on when I'll run USLM. I've not really been dwelling on any IML sub lately. I have been building this desire for taking care of myself, and standing up for myself has been a top consideration. E2 has been a foundation builder rather than a specific skill builder, so little things like me dressing nicely to go out tonight make me feel confident it supports this in me.

But.....USLM. Why? Since I've been afraid to stand up for myself. I've hid behind every fear or reason I know, and most are imaginations of failure. Failure has been the path of least resistance. I do not want to look at my life 20 years from now and think "why didn't I...........try?" Regret is one of the most painful emotions one can live with. So, I'll do USLM sometime in the coming months.

[findingme]

Update: I got close to my healing goals using E2 last Saturday.

It scared the s*** out of me.

I had to work to complete a project, and my coworker was with me. Just being on E2 felt like a combination of old memories, pain, and sadness. I've not felt wild emotional swings like some have had, though I'm often "just" aware of what's cooking beneath the surface.

We've talked about a lot of real life issues with him having been in the military 4 years. And somehow, the issue of my brother came up. I know it just felt right, so I shared I knew I worked in this company since it's primarily men only, and I've been using men as brother substitutes. He asked a few times while I was talking "are you ok?", and each time, I said "no". I knew my eyes were teary, and I kept going. I never shared about the attempted rape by my brother.

With me mentally trying to hang on to "normal" (meaning I live mostly being ignorant of this) it freaked me out, and I talked nervously of what I could do instead of feeling powerless. I remembered UD, and how freeing it felt during execution, and I shared I'd likely jump onto it soon. I was in an emotional panic, looking back now.

Coming home, I did turn on UD for almost 2 hours. I felt better, but the internal panic still remained. When I came home later in the evening, I ran 6 loops of UD on hybrid. Sunday, I still felt scared inside, and I was in full-on attempt to not feel this fear. I ran Ultra Success 4G for a couple of hours--anything to distract--and I ran Absolute Self Confidence 5G the rest of the day.

ASC 5G was what overloaded me, for when I put on UD on ultrasonic to sleep to, a tension had built up. After 20 minutes or so, I turned it off. I'd done too much.

Throughout my ASC run, I'd done this subliminal plan scrapping, and I remembered my days pre-subs. Just surviving. I imagined just absolutely scrapping any IML sub use, even thinking I might move in with my mom. I imagined all the worst of the worst. A total "my life is f*****!" mentality. I was in a bad space. Which is strange.........it felt familiar to me

My head still hurt throughout the next morning at work. I still felt slightly overloaded, so I didn't run E2. However, by lunch, I challenged myself. Stay feeling like s***? Did I really want to? No. I had felt desperate, but I didn't want to live there. I turned on E2, nervously.

What happened in the next 4 hours, in comparison, was miraculous. I felt relieved, and I was exuberant. My coworker, having seen me on Saturday, said his view of me had changed in the afternoon. I can only assume he thought I'd stay in that mood. I even noticed people wanted to be closer to me, which I only realized hours later. I just felt great!

I came home right after work today, showered, and jumped in bed. Haven't slept, but I needed dark and quiet. I've been emotionally tired, so I'm resting now.

I'm still not confident about stopping E2 on Halloween. Shannon said stay on it until I don't "need" another sub. Damn.....why do I buck people who are looking out for my best interest?

ummmm.... my truth is foolish. It's a subtle control/revenge tactic. The truth is I've often hurt me hoping I'd hurt you. "You want to hurt me?! Well, watch this!" And I make some decision, fully in my control, which hurts me, likely in numerous ways. I've heard sober addicts and alcoholics admit this numerous times.

I don't have to do that. I have done it. The root is my trust being hurt, and the anger I'd never felt over it. Tears came while admitting that.

I'd like Shannon to know something. The PTPA is an absolute lifeline in E2. My days sometime are s*** at work, but my mood defies the setting. It's a strong, strong motivator for returning to E2. If I felt like s*** every single day, I would have stopped ages ago. Thank you for putting this in


Edit: my vulnerability Saturday worked to my coworker's benefit. He was tired today, and about an hour in, he shared that his girlfriend, who had been pregnant 4 months, had had a miscarriage last night. This was their 3rd miscarriage. It stuck with me since he admitted he'd lost 3 children so far. He said with me sharing Saturday, it encouraged him to share his stuff too. He talked about it throughout the day.

[findingme]

Today I worked with my phone in my pocket, running E2.

I noticed I felt familiar abandonment pain when near my other 2 workers today, both being male. They'd gotten into a passionate discussion about social expectations, and I kept out of the discussion a bit. First off, it stirred strong emotion in both, and......I was afraid of really expressing my own feelings. One even saw a look in my eyes once, and he considerately asked "you ok?" Without resisting, I said bluntly, "I'm trying not to be aware", which was vague to him, but honest in me. I associated letting my emotions out with being hurt. So, I was trying to avoid myself a bit today, for this discussion persisted for almost 2 hours.

My second, more tangible reason for staying away was the conversation distracted both from working consistently, and 2 bosses began showing up, a rarity in my department. I kept looking for work, knowing they only appear when people are goofing off.

This bothered me since one older worker had encouraged me this morning to speak up and "be strong" around my workers today. I felt more unconfident of myself at his words for............I'm trying to focus on myself right now. Confidence has not been a strong point for me lately. My mind has been mostly emotional, not detached and organized. I've been all emotional, hoping I might have a breaking point, a point when tears could not be held back anymore. I'm closer, I do know that. E2 has been in my memory banks lately, dredging up feelings and emotionally tagged memories, a bit at a time.

I'm so close.