Findingme: LTU6

[findingme]

I began LTU6 this week after bouncing around with E4, then OF3. I'm on my first rest day of LTU6, first week.

I haven't wanted to write. Why? I just smiled realizing the honest truth about that. Don't know why I'm writing this. I used to journal mostly for attention, and I earned it by playing weak, helpless, and so "in need!" of emotional rescuing. I played the victim repeatedly, an old family habit I learned growing up.

And I still own those tools. Fear motivates it consistently. It's even speaking up now--me writing for 5 minutes, then deleting it.

Something I will share happened yesterday, and I......know... it's hitting an old root of mine. I worked out of town yesterday helping another site out. I had worked there Wednesday, and I returned yesterday to work with the same driver.

I felt emotionally insecure around this guy, but it came from deep within. The sub's digging up things. While riding with him, I kept seeking his attention. My cue--I realized I kept looking for a facial reaction--as this told me "he accepts me and I'm ok". I kept doing this over and over. I wasn't conscious of it fully while on the route, mostly since I was successful with jokes or I was articulate with certain topics. When we neared our day's completion I felt insecure, almost incomplete. I was tempted to go into old self-punishing mentality once I was alone, but even that wasn't any solution. I listened to ultrasonic loops once home.

Looking back, I stressed myself out a bit doing this (him too, likely). I was on that acceptance/approval hamster wheel, me seeking him to fill an old void of mine. I can see now how a want can turn to a demand since those old voids seem to never be satisfied.

I've done the same thing here in this site, writing and seeking acceptance again and again. St1 is working on this, and it's good. I think it's actually pulling me off of this old fallback. But honestly, I have no idea where it's taking me.

---I feel kind of insecure not having a good closing to my post here. It's the belief I have to perform to be loved. I also felt a repulsion when I considered using the poor me victim mentality.

[Mystic Pymp]

I began LTU6 this week after bouncing around with E4, then OF3.  I'm on my first rest day of LTU6, first week.

I haven't wanted to write.  Why?  I just smiled realizing the honest truth about that.  Don't know why I'm writing this.  I used to journal mostly for attention, and I earned it by playing weak, helpless, and so "in need!" of emotional rescuing.  I played the victim repeatedly, an old family habit I learned growing up.  

And I still own those tools.  Fear motivates it consistently.  It's even speaking up now--me writing for 5 minutes, then deleting it.  

Something I will share happened yesterday, and I......know... it's hitting an old root of mine.  I worked out of town yesterday helping another site out.  I had worked there Wednesday, and I returned yesterday to work with the same driver.

I felt emotionally insecure around this guy, but it came from deep within.  The sub's digging up things.  While riding with him, I kept seeking his attention.  My cue--I realized I kept looking for a facial reaction--as this told me "he accepts me and I'm ok".  I kept doing this over and over.  I wasn't conscious of it fully while on the route, mostly since I was successful with jokes or I was articulate with certain topics.  When we neared our day's completion I felt insecure, almost incomplete.  I was tempted to go into old self-punishing mentality once I was alone, but even that wasn't any solution.  I listened to ultrasonic loops once home.

Looking back, I stressed myself out a bit doing this (him too, likely).  I was on that acceptance/approval hamster wheel, me seeking him to fill an old void of mine.  I can see now how a want can turn to a demand since those old voids seem to never be satisfied.

I've done the same thing here in this site, writing and seeking acceptance again and again.  St1 is working on this, and it's good.  I think it's actually pulling me off of this old fallback.  But honestly, I have no idea where it's taking me.  

---I feel kind of insecure not having a good closing to my post here. It's the belief I have to perform to be loved.  I also felt a repulsion when I considered using the poor me victim mentality.

That's a lot of harsh honesty and I'm glad you came to this realization. I'm not sure if my two cents will be of any use but for me journaling is only for myself. It's not a vehicle to get attention of pity but an opportunity to collect my thoughts and reflect on my life from the context of the sub.

How was your journey so far? You haven't update in a long while.

[findingme]

Thanks for the feedback Mystic. I returned to journaling here since I sat on a message lately that writing it down helps your subconscious to keep its focus on it (something like that). I have a small paper journal next to my bed, I wrote some things down 2ce so far, but I write much, much less on paper presently. Typing is quicker.

And yeah, I do it for myself too. My earlier post showed my fears rising up and reverting to old ways to prevent forward progress. Shannon's healing subs have a focus which I really want and need (victim thinking and fear, specifically), so I returned after using another product since last September.

One more thing about my subliminal journey. A big one, actually.

I'm in a major (to me) transition in my life. My entire adult life, I've lived in fear, and this has separated me from relationships of every kind. Guys at work throw shallow jabs at me saying getting laid will satisfy me......but that's not my quick desire. I'm drawing towards being known, without all the shields and protections. Maybe it's just self-acceptance. I'm also wanting real relational connections. And simultaneously, my inner fears rise up yelling "Danger! Danger!" I read some of your LTU6 journal yesterday, and I was encouraged to know these feelings and challenges are normal. Thanks for being honest.

I chose LTU6 over E4 and OF3 solo since LTU6 has the "I can succeed" scripting from USLM. I felt this lacking while using E4. I also needed more bases covered while using OF3, specifically since I kept remembering the hope I felt on LTU5. A whole package approach worked for me in the past, so I jumped.

[findingme]

I'm still writing. Things are on my mind.

I said I was at another site Wednesday. One thing stuck with me that day, positively. Mid-morning, I requested we stop so I could pick up some Gatorade, and he obliged. I walked into this convenience store, I heard a "hello" upon entering, and I quickly and cheerfully said "good morning!", not even catching who said it. I had some old self-preservations (inner fears, actually) in place, so I quickly headed to pick up my stuff. I did catch eyes with a woman in the deli seconds later, and I kept moving.

Upon checking out, the cashier seemed distracted? Fearful? She didn't make much eye contact. She was a little heavier physically, and I wondered if she felt self-conscious of her weight. (?)

But when I looked over to the deli, the deli woman was giving me those heavy, almost prey-seeking eyes. I averted her gaze, finished my purchase, but wondered "really?" So I looked a 3rd time. Damn, this woman was giving me the glaring message she wanted me. I quickly reverted to my mental safe spot of "I've got obligations" and I left.

This wasn't my first time either. The day before, here in my hometown, I got lunch at our lunch stop. I heard the cashier saying "he's hot" while I was walking out.

I'm wondering what's happening, as in an aura or non-verbal message I'm sending saying "I'm available and desirable". Self-esteem probably. I had such an experience when using Self Esteem solo years back. It has been loud lately

[findingme]

I wish to post something. I have some fear, but since I'm craving doing this I think it's important.

I'm using LTU6 and posting about it after the huge rush of curious excitement when it was released. I've done this before with E2 and other subs. Why do I do this?

One old belief (which I've still held to) is that I won't be accepted if I'm in the "in" crowd, the crowd that takes on new ideas and ideas that look cool. I know this is junior high kind of thinking, but that's where I am. I'm facing it, and maybe letting it go. I'm just owning it currently.

I always wanted to feel like I belonged with a group, but during those same junior high years are when I experienced some bad things in my family.

So, in a way, me doing this after all the buzz and hype is over is me protecting and isolating myself from fears of being rejected. Another major reason I'm doing this is that by separating myself I'm not tempted to constantly seek other's approval (like I did 2 days ago at work). And more specifically, that I won't give myself away to attain some approval. After a while, I'm like "who the F*** am I?" I tend to disrespect myself when doing this.

Edit: I reread my post above. Am I trying to seek pity? My face grimaced thinking of that. I'm seeking around for something in my thinking after watching some negative video for 10 minutes (I turned it off since it was affecting me). Seeking "positive influences" feels nicer--and I'm attracted t it.

On that note, I took a walk yesterday afternoon. I noticed LTU working, as I remember LTU 3.1 years back having me smile regularly. While walking yesterday, I initially wanted to isolate myself, and I felt sort of uncomfortable doing that purposely. I finally lifted my head some--and as occasional cars would pass it felt good smiling to whomever passed. It fed me in a healthy way. I'll probably walk again today (I've not walked in my neighborhood for months, literally).

[findingme]

I know it's day 2 of rest days, but I began loops just now since old fears were escalating. Shannon had advised doing so if needed, once in a LTU6 journal, and much more often on OF3 journals. Listening now. Soaking it in.

Coincidence? My sister called exactly after I began loops. She's doing "better", but I just don't like her presently. In short, she lies to herself (and me) constantly. I do not want to see her today.

I'm thinking of E4's goals to allow myself to live a lifestyle where I could heal, and I'm choosing that. Some fear remains, but it is what it is.

[NOMAD]

I chose LTU6 over E4 and OF3 solo since LTU6 has the "I can succeed" scripting from USLM.  I felt this lacking while using E4.  I also needed more bases covered while using OF3, specifically since I kept remembering the hope I felt on LTU5.  A whole package approach worked for me in the past, so I jumped.

I recall reading some of your posts in the past and thinking, "Damn, this guy jumps around a lot." Picking a path and committing to it might do you some good. It isn't always pleasant and you might second guess yourself during the journey, but the end result could be worthwhile.

It seems to me that a good run of OFv3 followed by a good run of the latest in the E-series might've been your best bet. Think about it. Each one is  hyper-focused on a specific goal.  Each one is also made up of technology that makes them capable of getting closer to the root. LTU6 is spread across multiple goals. It's tech isn't anywhere near where it is now. Call me crazy, but it kind of looks like you're running away.

I wish you the best, but you might consider the possibility that you're screwing yourself by not seeing things through to completion particularly with the newer, more advanced technology that you've apparently already purchased.

[findingme]

I'm thinking of your message Nomad, and I have no argument to throw back. Mistrust of others follows me everywhere, and here it's heavy. All fear-based roots, and it's why I am where I am.

Going with that is mistrusting myself. I consider something, and fear speaks up loudly, promptly discouraging me. Fear is my root, and my biggest motivator. It keeps my mouth shut and I stay back in unhealthy hideouts.

A small part of me I just felt, the fearful part: "really?"

What is good for me? A slow ride into healing (like I did on E2 for 3 months)? Or focused work on fear? I like focused work since results show clearer and oftentimes quicker.

A bigger (fearful) question: how do I handle the inner fears uprising? ...... Shannon said follow the cravings using more loops temporarily.

Damn. Handling my shit seems rather unnormal to my immature side.

[findingme]

I'm taking Nomad's advice, and I'm going to pull off LTU6 and commit to OF3.

I began it weeks back, and it wasn't rough really. I just found my mind seeking "easier" options. LTU5 was easy and comforting for me, so LTU6 wasn't a challenge to begin.

But challenging my fear seems to be, for me. I even look shamefully on my paper notebook, for I wrote honestly when I began OF3: "fear has been a safe norm for me." I wrote I even needed it around to have my balance and my "reasons for living".

I read through Whome's OF3 journal today, and what I connected with I'd felt while on OF3: I felt like I was saying goodbye to a part of me I'd increasingly depended on in my last 10 years, mostly since having fear with me was an (embarrassing) tool I used to get attention.

Who would I be without some portrayal of fear?

I stopped after writing that. It looks like I'm seeking to defend fear, but I'm not on good footing here. I'll start OF3 loops tomorrow morning.

[findingme]

LTU6 St1
3rd cycle, 2nd day on

I pulled off OF3 in late July, and began stage 1 again August 8.

This version of LTU I've found much more fatiguing these last 2 weeks. I originally thought it normal, even though I've rarely had tiredness spells. I finally realized yesterday it is Univeral Detox. I even considered pulling off and doing LTU5, but I've felt little releases happen. This morning, while awake but still in bed, I had those almost asleep dreams. I felt relieved after.

I'm wondering how long this detox will last, as it's forcing me to change work schedules.

[NOMAD]

I chose LTU6 over E4 and OF3 solo since LTU6 has the "I can succeed" scripting from USLM.  I felt this lacking while using E4.  I also needed more bases covered while using OF3, specifically since I kept remembering the hope I felt on LTU5.  A whole package approach worked for me in the past, so I jumped.

I recall reading some of your posts in the past and thinking, "Damn, this guy jumps around a lot." Picking a path and committing to it might do you some good. It isn't always pleasant and you might second guess yourself during the journey, but the end result could be worthwhile.

It seems to me that a good run of OFv3 followed by a good run of the latest in the E-series might've been your best bet. Think about it. Each one is  hyper-focused on a specific goal.  Each one is also made up of technology that makes them capable of getting closer to the root. LTU6 is spread across multiple goals. It's tech isn't anywhere near where it is now. Call me crazy, but it kind of looks like you're running away.

I wish you the best, but you might consider the possibility that you're screwing yourself by not seeing things through to completion particularly with the newer, more advanced technology that you've apparently already purchased.

Damn, man...

[findingme]

I actually have to pull off LTU6. I was getting my butt kicked these last 2 weeks by Universal Detox, and I'm halfway through vacation days now. I listened to loops last night--and there's no way I can keep my job with the constant aches, pains, and lethargy I've experienced. So, I'm off. Detox is debilitating in this version.

[NOMAD]

Your own words (from this journal).

I'm thinking of your message Nomad, and I have no argument to throw back.  Mistrust of others follows me everywhere, and here it's heavy.  All fear-based roots, and it's why I am where I am.  

Going with that is mistrusting myself.  I consider something, and fear speaks up loudly, promptly discouraging me.  Fear is my root, and my biggest motivator.   It keeps my mouth shut and I stay back in unhealthy hideouts.

A small part of me I just felt, the fearful part: "really?"

What is good for me?  A slow ride into healing (like I did on E2 for 3 months)?  Or focused work on fear?  I like focused work since results show clearer and oftentimes quicker.

A bigger (fearful) question: how do I handle the inner fears uprising?  ...... Shannon said follow the cravings using more loops temporarily.  

Damn.  Handling my shit seems rather unnormal to my immature side.

Your own words again (from your OFv3 journal).

I had read Shannon's response to Jake Friday of how he keeps deluding himself again and again not seeing progress, and I'm guessing I'm seeing a bit of self-BSing in myself.  My BSing is me looking for pity when none is needed.  Damn.  Yep.  Old patterns.  So, I've not posted, and I've really not worried about it.  Coming here and putting on some BS show is a stressor for me.  No thank you. 

Solid observation?

I recall reading some of your posts in the past and thinking, "Damn, this guy jumps around a lot." Picking a path and committing to it might do you some good. It isn't always pleasant and you might second guess yourself during the journey, but the end result could be worthwhile.

It seems to me that a good run of OFv3 followed by a good run of the latest in the E-series might've been your best bet. Think about it. Each one is  hyper-focused on a specific goal.  Each one is also made up of technology that makes them capable of getting closer to the root. LTU6 is spread across multiple goals. It's tech isn't anywhere near where it is now. Call me crazy, but it kind of looks like you're running away.

I wish you the best, but you might consider the possibility that you're screwing yourself by not seeing things through to completion particularly with the newer, more advanced technology that you've apparently already purchased.

Surely, you see what you're doing...again.

I pulled off OF3 in late July, and began stage 1 again August 8.  

...

 I even considered pulling off and doing LTU5...

...

I actually have to pull off LTU6. 

[findingme]

@NOMAD,

Who the hell are you? Being followed and corrected "for my good"--without any personal connection or attempt to do so, is SICK. Do you see that?

Get off my thread.

MIND. YOUR. OWN. BUSINESS

Your desire for control is flagrantly obvious. It's been pissing me off--but you're deaf to this. Leave me the f*** alone.