Findingme: LTU6

[findingme]

I'm on my 3rd cycle of stage 1, 3rd day in, using ultrasonic now. Hybrid was keeping me awake some last week. I started 8/14/20.

I am battling negative thoughts today, but I've been very aware of them, leading me to begin finding solutions--which is a pleasant change for me.

I decided to begin a journal tonight after reading Shannon's response to a LTU user today. Fear has been fighting fiercely to hold its place since beginning LTU6, I'd made "reasons" why I wouldn't post, but the FRM is making itself known, which is cool.

I realized today that I have feared and avoided success. I'm not sure about why, but I knew in my gut at work today that I was making it harder for myself to succeed there. I noticed this on LTU5, but I'd been on it at least a month before seeing it so clearly. This led me to finally look for real solutions today.

I'll share that I avoided journaling since I've felt shame about past postings. I identified myself as weak and helpless, it was old childhood thinking and behaviors, and I did NOT want to stay in that cycle. I even had fears come up repeatedly before writing, but something positive is pushing in me. I am motivated by this, as it's new. It could be almost any of the subs in LTU6, being honest.

The detox module pushed me my first days using this, and it was uncomfortable. Very little physical changes were noticed early on, but mentally, my whole foundation was being shaken. I'm hesitant to repeat old thoughts I've shared in journals before, but it shows they were still holding their ground. I do think the whole package kept me from choosing to go in a hole.

And today, I had a very pleasant experience. I was making deliveries, and an older woman came out with her dog at one of my early stops. The dog, a chiwawa, was not acting like one; no barking at all. I asked her what kind of dog it was due to that, she said it was a chiwawa, and I told her i asked because it was so calm, which I didn't expect.

She said 'Oh, he's VERY aggressive. There's something special about you though, because he always barks constantly at strangers--especially men." He even came over to me and began sniffing me while I stood chatting with her. I was wowwed by this. Auric shield saying "you'd better not bark!"? Nah. Just kidding. I think I know what happened. I had been feeling some old hurts just before stopping, so maybe he picked that up, as I felt vulnerable and guarded. Dogs do sense that stuff. And since I was trying to hide it, it made me feel encouraged since dogs have loved on me even when I'm trying to ignore my emotions. It was a nice start to my day.

[findingme]

3rd cycle, 1st day off.

I'm having mental changes similar to my solo Universal Detox run, but this is going deeper. Yesterday, while working alone, I had this non-emotional awareness that I do a lot of acting to receive positive attention. I noticed it 2 days ago, and LTU is still on it. On UD it took down all my facades quickly, and all I was left with was old unhealthy coping strategies.

But something I've noticed a couple of times on LTU6, even this morning, is a immediate focus on this new (to me) thinking of "this needs changing. How can we make this happen?" It feels and sounds like USLM focusing on emotional healing, so WOW. This feels so possible, doable, whatever word makes sense, but it's doing something I've really desired.

That change, by itself, is priceless. Great job Shannon!

[findingme]

I had a dream while napping. I don't usually remember dreams so I'll put this down.

I was in an old neighborhood where my mom used to live. Feelings of shame and fear accompany this location. My mindset was focused on moving ahead into life, and I jumped on my scooter (which I own currently). I was zooming down the road, and my engine went dead. I'd run out of gas. But I knew a gas station was one or two blocks ahead, so I got on my feet and began pushing my scooter that direction.

I hadn't moved even a block, and 2 full-size semi trailers surrounded me (one on each side), though it was barely enough room for all 3 vehicles simultaneously. Them moving on such a narrow street had them come to a halt until someone moved out of the way.

But that was their business, their own created problem. I resumed pushing my scooter onward, then I woke up.

These thoughts come up now: shame and fear have been major hindrances in my life, and in times past, I would have been stuck on the problem at hand, me feeling intimidated by the problems (the BIG trailers). I would have stayed there, trying to "think" myself out of these feelings. But in this dream, I was determined not to stay there, despite the effort to hold me up once again. The trailers represented shame and fear trying to keep me from moving. And the solution was quite simple. I didn't come there to stop, so I resumed my journey on my own 2 feet. That was my goal. In the dream, I didn't even have to think about it. I just did what I needed to do to move towards it.

[findingme]

I'd read last week how Shannon encouraged a LTU6 user to trust his desire if he felt he needed more loops, so I'm eliminating my 2nd day off and am listening to a set of loops now. I got this sense today that fear was trying to ramp up to hold its ground, and last night had some connection here.

I'd been in bed by 7 last night, but I couldn't sleep. It was 9:30 when I ran a single loop, but had unfamiliar desires to run a full 7 loops. I'd slept well yesterday during the day, dreaming and writing about it, and when it was bedtime, part of me was uncomfortable with it. Tbh, I don't understand it, but part of me was really scared about something which I've not identified. I ran the single loop to handle the fear, and I slept well with it.

My only understanding is that part of me was afraid of dreaming. I was free to explore and grow in yesterday's dream, it felt incredible--and something in me has been dampening my dream awareness for eons. This part felt scared it'd lose its value, and I can safely say it felt like it'd die if I did more dreaming.

[findingme]

2 fruits of LTU6 showed up this morning while getting ready for work.

I was in the shower, thinking about my thinking, as I usually get a bit antsy while getting ready for work. I thought of my statement in my 2nd post here where I said I was scared of success. And something clicked. Success is not my main fear. Being rejected is. If I never try, I don't face possibilities of being rejected. That is why I've avoided so many major challenges in life thus far. I feel vulnerable sharing that, but so far, LTU6 has given me enough self-belief and new ways to look at problems that I'm moving ahead anyway. I don't fear fear controlling my direction currently; I'm moving through it. That's big.

And secondly, after showering, I knew I wanted to post this. However, I'd dropped early last night, meaning I'd not prepped lunch and supplies for today. I had these normal ideas of "do this first, then that..." but it felt dull and counterproductive. Somehow, I ended up prepping everything I needed before I even got fully dressed for work. I trusted this thinking, and I got it all done easily. I'm unsure if it's USLM or UMOP, but it got done. I like this.

[Shannon]

Fear of being rejected isn't your main fear. It's a branch, a child of something deeper. Keep going.

[findingme]

I will keep digging. Fear in me is being challenged on a daily basis with LTU6.

Thank you for sharing this. It stumped me when I first read it.

[findingme]

It stumped me when I first read it.

Ok, time to get honest.

Before and after I wrote that this morning.......I was afraid. Fearful of being honest and getting hurt. "Stumped" was codeword for "scared to be honest"

I'd thought about your post Shannon, and I first took on the "I've gotta dig, dig, dig" to find my issue, when I actually knew the biggest fear I've carried all my life: being abandoned. Even now, listening to Stage 1, I get flashes of childhood memories, mostly revolving around my brother. I know in times past I've dwelled on that old trauma of abandonment, but in the last year, I've not had to go there.

It may be detracting from my point above--but not really: I love how listening to these subs allows stuff to drift forward, the VERY things I've tried to bury, yet they steer me anyway. That same trauma has had me react covertly a lot here by doing things which I knew would attract negative attention, when I usually love being light and easygoing with people. Like in essence, I was looking for a fight, validation of my imagined fears, or more commonly, pity.

I also realized while sitting here that I miss my Mom, a bittersweet relationship I tried to pull away from constantly. My mom was doom and gloom too, stuck in her old traumas on constant recycle. I guess I'm working through something, for she impacted my thinking and actions a ton. I knew she abandoned me emotionally from a very young age, and I've not thought of that for almost a year.

And lastly, I wrote "dig, dig, dig" above. While on your subs, I've never really had to go "look" or "dig" to find my issues. They usually bubble right up, and I'm very rarely surprised. This was why I began with IML, and it's why I'm on LTU6 now. You have a gift for scripting for emotional issues, making it gentle, bearable, and ultimately, life-changing. I've experimented with other vendors, but your subs are the whole package, and I thank you for that. Thank you for keeping the whole person in mind and continuing to learn new things daily. The fruit of that comes out in your subliminals.

Gonna stop now. Feeling cheezy.

[findingme]

Been reading about the 13th title possibilities. I'll throw this in if it's money related.

After a number of snags in the last 6 months, I finally have everything in to start my withdrawing of my mined bitcoin, a major amount. What's odd, but nice, is I'm not all anxious about it like I've been in recent years. I've held to 2 different bigger investment organizations, one being a reputable all-in-one kind of money management platform, and the other a organization that mixes philanthropy with major non-retail investments.

The difference this time is that I'm not identifying myself with a false front. I've felt no fear thinking about it, and I'm ok with myself presently on it. My money is not me. That I can live with.

And yesterday, I was teaching a coworker some things for our job, and I realized something. When I share who I am and what I have to help somebody, that makes me feel wealthier than anything tangible. I remembered why I'd stayed in teaching so long, plus why I rarely hear actual teachers griping about their pay. Some of the best things in life can't be bought.

[findingme]

I didn't notice St1 making major noticable changes (so I thought), but something showed up while heading home from work today. It's something which has been stuck in place a long, long time.

For the last few days, my mind has been returning to what Shannon said recently in someone's post: that LTU handles mental, physical, emotional, and sexual healing. That last one is why I'm writing now.

While driving home, I had a bunch of thoughts come forward, all hinting at some kind of sexual issues being worked on. I'm nearly 50, I thought of a neighbor nearby (who's maybe 60) which I've seen as attractive a number of times, and old memories began popping up about my mother and the sexual messages I adopted from her. My mom remarried once when I was about 6, but it was a very short marriage. She never dated again, but she'd flirt with coworkers from time to time.

In essence, I associated sex with her sense of shame, so sex has basically been shameful to me.

Today I felt that belt of shame and restriction loosening up some. Like I couldn't feel it for a few seconds. I decided to follow my instincts this morning, and due to rising fears, I'm listening to loops now, though this was supposed to be my first of 2 days rest. Something IS being worked on, as I'm even soft emotionally now.

Something I just thought of, which is connected: I worked my 1/2 day today, a norm, and it was the female manager on duty today. Numerous times before this I've had angry thoughts about her, though much of it is fear-related. When I saw her while clocking out today, I studied her with my eyes. I was looking at her hairstyle, her expressions with the other 2 guys there, and .......well, my defenses weren't up. No sudden flip into rabid sexual desires for her, just an unusual appreciation of her natural beauty and femininity. This was not normal for me.

Something is definitely being worked on. And I thought I was almost finished with St1. I've got close to 9 days left (started 8/14/20). I'm glad this came up, for it runs deep and has limited me my whole life.

[tolgaocal80]

very good emotional progress sir, happy to hear those emotinal changes you had.

sometimes I feel the same way for women I see like that, fear and anger is fading and some kind of appreciation coming up, maybe not an appreciation for the woman but a graditute to myself for not feeling
fear and resentment but just "thats okey" feeling towards women. (thats how I see)

[findingme]

Yeah, that's where I've been--fear and resentment around most women. It's nice uncovering old desires for emotional and relational intimacy with women. I had this early on using LTU5 too.

Considering it came on so early with LTU5, I think fear woke up and overtook my desires once again. I'm starting to slowly appreciate the stage setup vs an all-in-one sub since stages have more focus and intensity with each of them. I had both fear and appreciation when I saw St2 would be doing more healing work, but that's pretty normal. I'll be going ahead with St2 in about a week.

The true lifesaver for me in LTU6 is FRM 4.9. Living without fear non-stop is becoming more of a reality. I say that since today, while working, I began to see how I've unhealthily related to males in my life (I work with only men), and I've looked for similar relationships to my childhood relationships. While seeing this objectively, I wasn't afraid

[findingme]

Stage 1 is still digging.

After listening to loops on my first day of rest, I took off yesterday, but I felt a slight bit overloaded from loops from this last session. I wasn't sure I'd feel it executing.

But I slept good, feeling it working. I awoke this morning, feeling like LTU made a stand within me, and it's not going back. It's facing my hold onto my past and history, and it didn't go there to retreat. My past is why I'm here, as I've hid there day after day, year after year. I don't feel excited about changing. Heck, I've had some denial or excuse about falling back on into it tucked away at all times.

The detox module must be responsible for this. Like it's gone from sweeping my mess with a broom to using a shovel to start digging bigger pieces out. I'll start my 5th session today, and I'm glad St2 will continue working on this.

Right now it seems like fear is looking for footing. I'm gonna do my weekly routine of laundry and shopping today, and fear was looking for a reason I should retreat. Fear is why I've held back before--but I don't want to give it more power and attention. I'll just go.

Also, something minor that I've just not reported on. The detox module has been pushing stuff out of my body, and what I've noticed are pimples. I had a pimple on the backside of my ear last week, a real rarity. I have 2 on my face healing now, which came days apart. Nothing significant there, just more evidence it's working.

[fab10]

Also, something minor that I've just not reported on.  The detox module has been pushing stuff out of my body, and what I've noticed are pimples. I had a pimple on the backside of my ear last week, a real rarity.  I have 2 on my face healing now, which came days apart.  Nothing significant there, just more evidence it's working.

I also had pimples for a week or so, it definitely seems like a detox reaction.