Findingme: LTU6

[findingme]

Yeah. I've not had pimples like this since my teens.

[findingme]

St1, Session 5, day 2

I actually felt like sh** emotionally today, for I kept looking inward for strength, but I kept seeing weakness and failures. I noticed I was beating myself up, and this stuck out since I normally put on rose-colored glasses when feeling uncertain or fearful.

I share this since this is the first time I've experienced it on St1, but I was likely just heavily avoiding it when I began this.

I'm encouraged when I take a look at the big picture. I became aware how I've been lying to myself to hide this from others, and what I noticed before I began writing was an actual emotional calm. I do not feel overwhelmed. I feel a little afraid of it, but I'm seeing it like it's "over there", like I'm watching a movie of my life. It's a calm kind of strange for me.

I know I've habitually beat myself up when I've believed I failed---and I actually just realized I'm having to LOOK for reasons that this is true. Up to this point in my life, I've thought that basically, I was a failure. That's actually why I felt like sh** today.

Again, the detox module is kicking stuff up, but I'd rather it be pulled up than more hiding and lying to myself. I've used old ill-working tools for decades, and my biggest fear was being discarded for not helping others resolve the crisis that were created. I had fears like "I can't handle this--it's too big for me". Writing that made me connect to old childhood thinking, even manipulative victim thinking. I used this when young to avoid physical danger and distract others from the created "crisis". Can't believe I'm sharing this.

It's uncomfortable, but I feel and think it's just temporary.

[findingme]

After I wrote that last night, I first thought someone was angry at me for being honest (I realized part of me was angry that I'd shared it). I also detested admitting my using it to manipulate others when younger--when I've done that in recent years.

It was uncomfortable being REAL, being human. At this moment, fear still exists where anger pops up, seeking to "protect" me. I listened to loops last night, even adding 2 more loops to my set since fear rose quickly. I didn't want it finding a foothold again. I'm a little tired this morning. But, I don't regret it. This is working.

Moving forward

[findingme]

Stage 1, Session 5, Day 3

By the way, only talking about the positive changes is not going to give me any feedback if you need help or I need to improve my programs. If you experience anything negative using my programs, please let me know so I can help.

The safe space you feel, that prevents insults from affecting you, is a module in Overcoming Fear known as the Directional Reflection Shield. It creates a bubble of "safe space" around you that prevents negative energy and influence from reaching and affecting you. This is extremely important for Overcoming Fear, because a lot of times people "learn" to fear based on subtle psychological and energetic attacks and manipulations they receive from others without ever knowing it. So it provides you a safe space in which to successfully overcome the fears, without having others triggering them all the time through manipulation tactics.

@Shannon, I pulled this quote from a OF thread in the User Journals. I'm posting it since the DRS is in LTU too, but I'm wondering how I can be nicer to myself.

Today I worked alone, but things went poorly for me (work truck broke down and I feared asking others for help), and I began treating myself poorly like I imagined others were thinking about me. I get this sense that it was either me accepting the imagined judgements from others, thinking they were right, and giving it to myself "because I deserved it" AND/OR I hurt myself first in an imagined effort to stall or avoid imagined punishment from others. The latter choice allows me some control in the matter, even though my choices did not benefit me.

I have a fear of asking for help now, but I've never dealt with being so self-critical using any sub so far. I realize I've been sweeping negative feelings and thoughts under the rug for eons, and maybe the detox piece is taking this hideout ability away. I'd give it a 5-7 on a 10 point stress scale, though ---wow, my fear--I realized that I am fearful of completely feeling and expressing my own feelings. Sitting with the stress scale for a minute, I thought of a user here who's done AM6 in the past, and after trying to be tough on himself (for multiple weeks), he just broke in to tears. That was exactly what he needed. I've not allowed that breakthrough yet, but with this beating myself up scenario, it feels like something is building up on me.

After writing all that, I reread it and interpreted my writing like "something's wrong with LTU". What's wrong, and the only thing I see wrong here, is me not allowing myself to fully go through this yet. And I'm realizing that the habit of holding myself back has created more fear, anxiety, dishonesty, and avoidance in my life than anything else, bar NONE. I don't feel good holding everything in, and I really never have. Change is at the door knocking.

Thought I'd share this.

[Shannon]

"Someone's knockin' on the door.... someone's knockin on the door... someone's knockin' on the door.... open the door... and let 'em in...."

- The Beatles. (Or something like that - haven't heard that song in a VERY long time.)

[findingme]

Stage 1, Session 5, Day 6

I haven't written in days, which isn't normal for me. I've been feeling shame about myself, and when I came to write (the last 2 days), I held off. My old default of playing the victim popped up, and I wouldn't do it.

The biggest challenge I'm facing is merely seeing and accepting what I'm feeling--and I'm finding a root to that, as it's been poking its head up. It's an old survival-based fear of being hurt by men I trust.

I noticed this when replaying a conversation I had days ago with my new renters in the house I live in. This guy has a beautiful wife/girlfriend, and I've intentionally avoided too much contact with her since she seems very trusting, though she speaks no English. I'd had a package delivered, and I wondered if they'd took it in their part of the house since heavy rain was threatening. When I knocked, he came to the door, handed me my package, and it's only the 2nd time I've spoke with him. He was very trusting and open, and we talked a few minutes, me finding about him more. His girlfriend popped up minutes later, and internally I felt uncomfortable and froze since, well, I felt safer around her, even though this guy was not emotionally or physically threatening.

That feeling stuck with me.

When I replayed this scenario in my mind later, I was able to follow my feelings more, and I had felt that fear of hurting him and receiving hurt from him, so in my imagination, I felt safer talking to her. I realized the danger I put myself in by trusting her more than him, which is what I felt when she'd popped up in the actual conversation.

This is a reflection of my own relationship with my brother, the one I depended on while growing up. No contact lately, though I've texted him a week ago asking if he wanted to meet for coffee. No reply. I've been hurting (old stuff), he's been hurting (old stuff), and hurt people hurt people.

Part of me has been stuck here a long time, and still is.

Part of me wishes to write more, hoping understanding and accepting it will help. Tears popped up just now, me allowing my truth to come forth.

The hard part, feeling and expressing it, is closer than I know. I picked up St2 2 days ago, and will start it tomorrow. I'm feeling some anger--being stuck sucks.

[findingme]

A major internal change in me: I've been accepting and realizing that I have hurt people too, vs. me playing the "poor me" victim role. I've hurt people in the past, I've ignored this more often than not, and by doing so, I've completely dodged responsibility for it. I'm becoming very aware of myself around others, both friends and family.

This is what froze me when the guy's girlfriend joined us.

[JCasterlin]

@Shannon The song is this

https://youtu.be/re61B8sKQWk

[findingme]

Stage 2, Session 1, Day 1

I've been running St2 loops this morning. I'd originally planned on sleeping to it tonight, but changed that plan. One thing I've noticed is that it (appears) that there's no rest period within the loop. I've not used the spectrum feature on VLC for months, but i decided to put it on this morning. So far, I've not noticed any rest periods (I'm on my laptop now, and I'm running ultrasonic loops on my PC). I'm on my 2nd or 3rd loop, and I've noticed no rests so far. My PC monitor is in my peripheral vision. Just my opinion, but doing this makes sense since this will allow work on major fears and traumas without allowing them to power up again. Again, this is just my opinion.

We'll see what happens, but I'm encouraged.

Thanks for making this Shannon. It's focused work.

[hsindermann]

I didn't even notice, but yes there is no primary ASRB (or whatever the abbreviation was). I hope that's on purpose and not a mistake - I think this would be the very first sub like that since it's been introduced (at least cannot remember seeing that before)

[findingme]

Yeah. From all subs since E2 (the first 5.5G sub), I've never seen that myself

[findingme]

I picked up a book months ago in Goodwill, as I was curious. I had read about halfway through when I bought it, and I opened it up to read a chapter after waking up early this morning. It's called "Bound by Honor", and it's an autobiography by one of the major players in the old Mafia, something I've been completely uninformed about. I only bring this up for one reason: as I read, I pick up the growing awareness of consequences for one's actions, and how they are forced to deal with that. LTU is digging in, for I'm seeing some consequences myself; in other words, my own actions affect those around me, including right here.

I posted something yesterday here in an almost juvenile way, and my thinking was "why not?" Like a kid, I've so wanted to hide behind "the sub is changing me, so let me explore". A part of me wanted to admit things I've done, to literally test the boundaries. I did, and feedback came early, me hearing it without my defensive blinders on. I deleted the post since it was inviting trouble for me.

While reading the book above, I was reminded that we're not alone. I'm not alone here. I hardly know people here (that's my doing), but that's irrelevant. My actions do affect people. I'd like to feel proud and confident about my progress, and that post threatened my sense of security here. The idea of integrity, of being honest, is important to me. Raising s***storms isn't good--for anyone. It never has been.

I'm reminded of a former sub user who began his emotional healing journey here, and similar to what I did yesterday, he endorsed things specifically forbidden here on the forum. He was banned temporarily, and is now banned permanently. Reflecting on the book above, many characters came and went in the family business, and those that went seemed to always make stupid choices for themselves. People would become successful for a period, but some became prideful and took it too far, thereby incriminating themselves. They thought success was a protection for them. But many fell based on a lack of knowledge or awareness of the consequences.

I'm seeing this in my own life now.

[findingme]

Stage 2, Session 1, Day 5

The FRM is active. Very active. This morning I'm not taking to my normal fear mentality. It feels very, very desirable.

I've been watching myself since starting LTU. I've noticed that each morning I'd wake up for work, and I'd have this subtle repulsion in my gut for the way I'd recycle fears daily. Doing and thinking the same unbeneficial things over and over--and being aware of it--is a self-esteem killer. I know since starting Stage 1 this unease has sat in me. I wondered at times about not continuing, but something's dissipated. Some fear broke down on me, it's my 2nd day of rest, first cycle. The FRM is very active.

Something I'll mention for Shannon is the fatigue. I've rarely, like very rarely, had consistent, noticeable fatigue on a sub, and the last 2 days I've had exactly that. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I almost tapped out doing my route Monday. Something likely linked to that was me heating up physically while talking to a coworker in the parking lot that very morning before work. It was still dark out, and it was probably mid-80's temperature-wise. I suddenly felt itchy, and minutes later, my coworker said "Man, you're sweating!" I did feel hot, and this is the first time I'd noticed it. Working in the sun later compounded the heat, and it tired me out. I've heard people come to a point where the fatigue goes away. I did realize that the sub is breaking down a lot of my resistance, and this encourages me.

That's where I am today. I'm feeling good, and I'm grateful to be using this. It's working for me.

[findingme]

Stage 2, Session 2, Day 3

I had just read Shannon's LTU6 journal, and he shared his wondering if anything was happening. He realized it was when he looked around. I know I'm in a similar spot. And looking at everything I'm thinking and feeling, it's active. In fact, I'm reaching out for some understanding since I'm not writing lately seeing things I'm trying not to grow upon, specifically being my victim mentality.

I'm both angered and embarrassed at seeing my victim mentality repeatedly in my writing. I've used this repeatedly and consistently my whole life, mostly for gaining attention. And it hinders my emotional growth since I've used it to deflect from my actual emotional truth. Gaining attention has been dependent on me showing a front, as fear of rejection held its stance. Like I've been making up a good story. The front looks good, but I feel like shit over and over....and over again. I'm fricken tired of doing this to myself.

I'll write out my main reason I do this. Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being ignored. Dammit, fear has kept me in this cycle.....puke. I just imagined ignoring my complaing......but realized it was motivated again by a fear of being rejected. I don't have the answers right now. I am listening to hybrid TS since it hits harder, but....(stopped a whine).

I know I've resisted changes in this, one example being I resorted to ultrasonic alone at a lower volume. I'll keep going forward. Something is changing. (I keep looking for a whine, so I'll stop now)