09-20-2020, 06:32 AM
Stage 2, Session 2, Day 3
I had just read Shannon's LTU6 journal, and he shared his wondering if anything was happening. He realized it was when he looked around. I know I'm in a similar spot. And looking at everything I'm thinking and feeling, it's active. In fact, I'm reaching out for some understanding since I'm not writing lately seeing things I'm trying not to grow upon, specifically being my victim mentality.
I'm both angered and embarrassed at seeing my victim mentality repeatedly in my writing. I've used this repeatedly and consistently my whole life, mostly for gaining attention. And it hinders my emotional growth since I've used it to deflect from my actual emotional truth. Gaining attention has been dependent on me showing a front, as fear of rejection held its stance. Like I've been making up a good story. The front looks good, but I feel like shit over and over....and over again. I'm fricken tired of doing this to myself.
I'll write out my main reason I do this. Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being ignored. Dammit, fear has kept me in this cycle.....puke. I just imagined ignoring my complaing......but realized it was motivated again by a fear of being rejected. I don't have the answers right now. I am listening to hybrid TS since it hits harder, but....(stopped a whine).
I know I've resisted changes in this, one example being I resorted to ultrasonic alone at a lower volume. I'll keep going forward. Something is changing. (I keep looking for a whine, so I'll stop now)
I had just read Shannon's LTU6 journal, and he shared his wondering if anything was happening. He realized it was when he looked around. I know I'm in a similar spot. And looking at everything I'm thinking and feeling, it's active. In fact, I'm reaching out for some understanding since I'm not writing lately seeing things I'm trying not to grow upon, specifically being my victim mentality.
I'm both angered and embarrassed at seeing my victim mentality repeatedly in my writing. I've used this repeatedly and consistently my whole life, mostly for gaining attention. And it hinders my emotional growth since I've used it to deflect from my actual emotional truth. Gaining attention has been dependent on me showing a front, as fear of rejection held its stance. Like I've been making up a good story. The front looks good, but I feel like shit over and over....and over again. I'm fricken tired of doing this to myself.
I'll write out my main reason I do this. Fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being loved. Fear of being ignored. Dammit, fear has kept me in this cycle.....puke. I just imagined ignoring my complaing......but realized it was motivated again by a fear of being rejected. I don't have the answers right now. I am listening to hybrid TS since it hits harder, but....(stopped a whine).
I know I've resisted changes in this, one example being I resorted to ultrasonic alone at a lower volume. I'll keep going forward. Something is changing. (I keep looking for a whine, so I'll stop now)
I want to be FREE!
