I envy those of you who simply stonewall the program rather than resist it. I've been in a state of intense, intense depression all day. I don't know exactly what v2.5 is tackling, but I know it has something to do with sexual performance anxiety and shame. I was able to do my mental alchemy technique -- a subconscious check to see what was causing the emotional pain.
I'm quite terrified at what I saw. Can't really put it into words. Shame and fear regarding sex, sexual performance and self-worth, manifesting in my mind's eye as a slick, oily substance, writhing in what seemed to be agony. The flood of emotions I felt when I caught that momentary glimpse sent me straight into a panic attack. Now I understand why my subconscious is hiding it from me.
It tried some rather fancy manipulation at one point. Almost tricked me into thinking that Shannon had hid something within DMSI, some kind of mind control and THAT'S what I was seeing. Sneaky ass subconscious. At this point, my subconscious will do whatever it can to keep me from removing whatever that poison is.
There's something about sex and sexual performance that has my subconscious ready to implode. Something primal. Something... that might've happened to me as an infant, long before my conscious memories. It may even be karmic... something that happened in a past existence. Whatever it is, I've suffered from it my entire life. Bouts of crippling exhaustion and procrastination, even when I was child. I know that THIS is the culprit.
For those who regularly chat with me over PM about mental alchemy, it's experiences like this that keep me from divulging all the secrets. Especially this particular technique, because it's very close to channeling -- and believe me, channeling what I experienced today is the LAST thing you'd ever want to do.
At this point, I'm terrified of running v3.0.1a. I've been coming up with excuses all day not to run it. Even considered just leaving my business, family and friends behind and just vanishing for awhile. Whatever this thing is, it's not going to surrender easily. It wants to live, it wants to fester.
I've always known there was something there. In my first run of AM6, I had a moment while walking down a random San Francisco street where I fell to my knees and vomited. This reoccuring thought kept popping in my head: "How could you do that to me?"
I knew it was sexual related. But I don't know who, or what. Well, I have an idea. But I'm keeping that to myself, because I have NO proof other than these random insights that have no real connective fiber.
Anyway... I guess we'll see in a couple of days what v3.0.1a will clear. In the mean time, I'm downing as much caffeine as possible and taking out all my frustration on a heavy bag.
EDIT: Boxing is canceled for tonight.
I'm quite terrified at what I saw. Can't really put it into words. Shame and fear regarding sex, sexual performance and self-worth, manifesting in my mind's eye as a slick, oily substance, writhing in what seemed to be agony. The flood of emotions I felt when I caught that momentary glimpse sent me straight into a panic attack. Now I understand why my subconscious is hiding it from me.
It tried some rather fancy manipulation at one point. Almost tricked me into thinking that Shannon had hid something within DMSI, some kind of mind control and THAT'S what I was seeing. Sneaky ass subconscious. At this point, my subconscious will do whatever it can to keep me from removing whatever that poison is.
There's something about sex and sexual performance that has my subconscious ready to implode. Something primal. Something... that might've happened to me as an infant, long before my conscious memories. It may even be karmic... something that happened in a past existence. Whatever it is, I've suffered from it my entire life. Bouts of crippling exhaustion and procrastination, even when I was child. I know that THIS is the culprit.
For those who regularly chat with me over PM about mental alchemy, it's experiences like this that keep me from divulging all the secrets. Especially this particular technique, because it's very close to channeling -- and believe me, channeling what I experienced today is the LAST thing you'd ever want to do.
At this point, I'm terrified of running v3.0.1a. I've been coming up with excuses all day not to run it. Even considered just leaving my business, family and friends behind and just vanishing for awhile. Whatever this thing is, it's not going to surrender easily. It wants to live, it wants to fester.
I've always known there was something there. In my first run of AM6, I had a moment while walking down a random San Francisco street where I fell to my knees and vomited. This reoccuring thought kept popping in my head: "How could you do that to me?"
I knew it was sexual related. But I don't know who, or what. Well, I have an idea. But I'm keeping that to myself, because I have NO proof other than these random insights that have no real connective fiber.
Anyway... I guess we'll see in a couple of days what v3.0.1a will clear. In the mean time, I'm downing as much caffeine as possible and taking out all my frustration on a heavy bag.
EDIT: Boxing is canceled for tonight.
