04-23-2022, 02:37 PM
(04-23-2022, 03:36 AM)Benjamin Wrote: The way i'm going on UH reminds me of like 5 years ago when I didn't really have a friendship group.
Not really feeling like socializing much, a few weeks ago I went to another town by myself, today I went to another one a bit further that I used to goto a bit. It was almost like another step further venturing out.
Got some clothes and other stuff, mostly enjoyed it. Girls seemed to be reacting weirdly. Girls serving me were either shy and weird or really friendly. Girls walking past seemed to give weird looks. But i'm also feeling more awkward and uncomfortable around them.
Whatever i'm projecting is different, a guy serving me in a clothes shop was talking to me heaps, security guards at the door of a few places were really friendly. It's kind of either they were really friendly or totally said nothing to me, it's hard to decipher right now but it's obviously due to something different i'm projecting while using UH.
One girl that served me was really happy and smiley, seemed over the top to just say 'she's being friendly cos she's doing her job'.. it was noticable. In one place the staff that come up and asked if I needed help seemed kind of scared or worried or something.
I was starting to get frustrated and have alot more stuff come up around girls, insecurities and such. Like seeing some of these weird losers, massive nerdy guys with okay girlfriends and i'm literally not able to get any girls at the moment. And also wanting attention or them to be attracted to me, but then when they are like a couple that smiled at me the fear would shut me down anyway so it's like i'm fucked either way and not in a good way.
But other than that I mostly enjoyed the trip, yesterday I was feeling like I didn't even want to leave the house, but I decided I was going to anyway and i'm glad I did. So it's obviously some old bs being stirred up from when I had alot more trauma and felt like I only wanted to stay at home. I wonder if it's similar with not feeling like socializing much right now, if I just make myself go then i'm sure it'll be okay.
It was the longest day trip i've done for a while. I even ended up going to a restaurant by myself about 45min away from home as it was getting time to eat, I questioned it and felt like it's dumb to go and eat by myself, but then I thought "No, the only reason I need is that I want to go there to eat" and I did. I brought a book before to read.
A guy serving in there commented on the book and chatted a bit. I felt fairly relaxed in there, didn't feel that weird. I've only gone out to dinner by myself before when I went to the city for a few nights, can't say i've done it just because I wanted to. Usually I go out to dinner with friends which I definately prefer.
Driving home from there alot more stuff come up. At first I was seriously just enjoying the trip and in the moment listening to music from when I was a teenager (Pearl Jam) until stuff started coming up, then some sabotage.. then all of a sudden I got annoyed and suddenly wasn't enjoying the trip anymore and all I wanted to do was get home. And I was getting more frustrated about girls.
And sadly when I got home it triggered the old pattern. When i'm feeling abandonment, rejection, insecurity, frustration around girls or sex.. especially if i've been out somewhere and seen alot of girls and fear/insecurity/bs totally stopped me doing anything and all the frustration comes up.. then the wanting to look at porn come up.
I told myself that if I do this it'll move me away from real physical relationships and i'm not doing it. But not long later I just started looking at it and forgot about that and got lost in it.
And then I got annoyed at myself straight after, said I won't do it again and deleted everything. Then about a half an hour later, again. Same pattern every time this happens. It's like it sets it off and I can't just stop at once.. and I know very well that within a few days i'll start feeling much worse, less confident, more awkward, less energy, less drive for life, and even physically weaker and less interest in workouts.
But still I fucking forget all that in the moment.
In the heat of the maximum frustration I felt like I need to just listen to UH for many more hours. I'm currently doing the 6 loops at night, and 1 hybrid loop through the day which I started a few days ago.
I don't know if that urge to listen alot more through the day was legit or just through the insecurities so i'll see what comes up tomorrow with that.
I’ve been having the urge to listen to hybrid too even tho today is my day off. Might listen to a loop later.
