EPHRA v6 (non-binding journal, do not follow ;) )

[Have at ye]

Oh boy, what a wonky dream bonanza after I switched back to hybrid. Dreamt throughout the night, woke up two times. One was somewhat disturbing but important (it would imply I'm a very angry person deep down, hahaha. Oh, humanity!) Going to continue with the current settings because it's working quite obviously.

[Have at ye]

5 loops of hybrid on my phone felt good. I did get a touch of anger/frustration here and there, mostly when I'm out and about, but otherwise, I'm getting sensations that feel like healing energies being generated/filling me (I actually feel them when breathing in and around my eyes mostly, it's like a light, soft breeze). Feeling kinda sad that my career is non-existent, though. I'm doing pretty much all I can come up with and get little to nothing in return, oy. Maybe my stuffies and thingies will kick off one of these days and then it'll be glorious.

My practice room situation is fixed, though. I can go back to practicing there come tomorrow. Afterward I'll get a week of free practice in exchange for a favor (unfortunately not a sexual one, although I'd definitiely go for it with the female co-owner of the place, haha). So I guess that turned out well!

[Have at ye]

Today I feel a bit depressed. I had dreams as usual (wonky or otherwise). I'm debating whether to finish up 7 months of EHPRA and move on to OGSF v2 or go for one more month because it's still going. I can't seem to decide on this.

I did manage to get my weight back below 99 kg. So I guess the weight gain was a temporary side-effect of cheat days. I am also being pretty consistent in my workout regimen (which ain't much all things considered, some pushups, some situps, some barbell exercises, also gradually adding some abs exercises, like plank and reverse crunches).

One guy from my expert through experience course went through a bit of a crisis recently, i helped him out and now he thinks we're best buds forever (we're not). Oy. It's good practice should I feel like pursuing this "peer support" thing profressionally (though I prefer singing), but a nuisance - he called while I was in the middle of my EHPRA loops for the day to talk about nothing at all, araeijrieojtesdl. :grrr: Although I do get it because I could use some kind, compassionate company myself. Were he an attractive chick I'd have had more patience.

[Have at ye]

So, today, as I was EHPRAing, my crazy mum decided to call for no good reason and disturb my loopity loops. Oyyy, humanity. Playing from the phone has drawbacks, definitely. Thus I did 5 and a half loops, effectively.

Anyway, got a new stuffy and thingy which looks great, we'll see about results. Also feeling less depressive, and wonky sensations are a bit different now. I slept a lot today, dreamt my wonky dreams throughout. Gonna get some action finally next week as I have that course again and I have an interview for that support group I'd like to join, hopefully they'll have me (I'm worried they'll decide I'm a bit too together to qualify. A friend from my community advised to play the loser, haha. I just might do that).

[Have at ye]

Listening to my loops. Had wonky dreams as usual, wonky sensations as well. One of the dreams was a very important one, related to why I was feeling depressed. I do have a bit of a dysthymic streak, which is probably one of the root causes of my ED and progressive loss of libido (this coupled with [re]traumatization galore). The funny thing is that I remember being free of these feelings (and the heavy wonky sensation becoming light and healthy) only in moments when I was happily in love with a woman (which were few and nothing ever came out of any of them, because obviously why would it, oyyy).

I got a little bit frustrated yesterday during singing practice becase my high notes wouldn't take off properly (it was due to the fact I wasn't warmed up enough, but still) and I went all "f-word this and f-word that". Otherwise it's been going good, but I'm taking some off days this and next week and we'll see whether the powers that be decide I'm worthy of auditioning for them (I got no resoponse, not even a polite "sod off, mate", from that chorus job I applied to, oyy).

[Have at ye]

I feel less depressed but still that dysthymic streak is coming to the forefront, it's why my mindset is far from optimistc right now and things are not being made any better by my circumstances which are pretty dire, given what I would want out of life. I did listen to some metal musac to release and now feel a little better.

Wonky sensations have made a grand return and now I'm getting ticklish sensations (kinda like a wound tickles when it heals sometimes?) in the area to the right of my root chakra, deep inside the body, a little bit above the perineum. I'd scratch it but it's inside of me, lol. The sensations sometimes also act up higher on up, in the damaged areas, sometimes I feel my right leg too (but not too often).

It's good my therapist is getting back from her vacation as I due to the lack of outlets I've been whining on Internet forums incessantly, lol. Spreading light and love all around, hahahaha.

[Have at ye]

I'm feeling quite depressive today, something big must be clearing through, I don't know what exactly though. I hope this passes soon enough. The fact my life consists mostly of me moping around my apratment and doing the odd translation job doesn't help - I could go for some positive interactions IRL, Internet interactions don't seem to cut it. I think I'll switch to night-time listening because again my EHPRAing was disturbed by a phone call which is a nuisance.

[Have at ye]

I actually feel *a lot* better while actively listening to the program. Got up, started on my workout, did a little job here and there, the works. I also increased the number of loops to 7 based on a hunch. That's a lot of loops since technically a basic loop is 15 minutes, heh. Do not try this at home, people (or do, but only if you're sure it's an instruction from your subC to get it working better).

[Have at ye]

It's a funny thing. So, when I'm in what I call a depressive state I am depressed, anhedonic, yadda yadda, and it's like there's a tremendous amount of (self)hate being directed at me. But when I play f. in. more loops of EHPRA this goes away and I'm more outwardly hating (which is limited to my internal monlogue and maybe a little bit of revenge fantasies and such, but still). This is lessened than it used to, but it is something.

It's also like a block because whenever I expressed displeasure at someone or something, I'd usually face either of two reactions: a) invalidating my point or b) punishment, as if what I had just done was a form of misbehavior (oftentimes resembling something called DARVO which was my ex-girlfriend's thing. She *loved* playing the victim while essentially being a spoiled, wealthy classist brat with a silver spoon in her mouth). Thus, having faced a severe consequence of having done so (losing my singing job which meant a lot to me) I kinda went into "self-blame" mode. Something like that.

Two more days until I get to blabber about this stuff to my analyst, oyy.

I do have a lead on an acting job in a toruing company, we'll see how auditions go this weekend (not much time to prepare, as usual. Waiting on the scripts and dates). I'd prefer singing, but acting is a soft enough racket as well, haha.

[Have at ye]

I'm liking 7 loops so far, I feel way better and more optimistic/less depressive (and my libido is making a comeback) while the program is still doing its thing (although I do get slightly less vivid dreams, or at least remember them less). I'm not gonna go any higher than that, though, I still need to leave some room for my brain to process the program and let it blooooom a bit. In this mode I can do two more months easy-peasy; on lower loops with depressive states it'd have been an ordeal.

Still waiting on news on that acting audition. They'll probably give me, like, a day to prepare, knowing such things, lol. I don't like not having the proper time to prepare such things.

[Have at ye]

I actually told my analyst today that I use subliminals, EHPRA in particular, and she asked me about the basic principles behind it and stuff (she had no inkling) and then I told her I was experiencing depressive states in response and she had a... very friggin' insightful suggestion (a Freudo-Lacanian one, but still, huh.) Should I somehow implement that suggestion I guess the programs should work even better for me.

She also had on a very sexy skirt which made want to get on my knees and worship her womaninity, hahaha. But that's beside the point! (But a good clue that my libido is making a comeback).

Today I woke up with the following song going through my head, y'all will now listen to it as well:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzG20V0S...HE&index=5

Very interesting lyrics.

[London1]

How are you managing to get 7 loops uninterrupted? I'd imagine it's a bit difficult.
Are you doing hybrid?

[Have at ye]

I do it at night (yes, hybrid). I used to run them in the morning but then people would disturb me with phone calls and such, oy.

How are you managing to get 7 loops uninterrupted? I'd imagine it's a bit difficult.
Are you doing hybrid?

[Have at ye]

I doubt I'm getting that acting gig even though auditions went well because they're looking for someone who can pull off playing a kid convincingly and I'm too bald, lowe voiced and masculine for that, haha. Still, I'm satisified with how it went. Hopefully I'll get more chances to audition soon, I'm terribly bored of translation work.

Had some more interesting dreams today. I was tempted to lower the number of loops but I'm sticking to 7 until I finish this run of EHPRA. I sure could use a boost career-wise, I'd love to try USLMaxx again after EHPRAing nad OGSFing (but I'm still gunning for OED first).