EPHRA v6 (non-binding journal, do not follow ;) )

[Have at ye]

I wanted to try a different setup of my stuffies and thingies and the sub, so now I'm back to running ultrasonic fromy my laptop but at a louder volume. The number of loops is still TOP SEKRIT, haha. I'll try that for a while and we'll see whether results keep coming.

I had some more wonky dreams, feels like they're progressing a bit. Also have a bit of a switachroo between "I am a loser and a spierdolina" (I don't know how to translate that, "fuck-up"? That'd be the closest translation, I think) to "I hate everything and everyone", lol.

[Have at ye]

The new set-up is apparently making me very sleepy, and I have dreams when I sleep. Also a little bit of wonky sensations (subtle, though). It should work, I think.

[Have at ye]

I arrived at 5 loops ultrasonic from my laptop speakers at 100% volume. I'll stick to this setting for the time being; everything is pointing that it should work just fine.

Currently experiencing technical difficulties with a new translation client. That guy from the band I'd like to join is complaining about my voice being too operatic, I'll give it another shot but am not getting my hopes up.

Otherwise, lots of work these past two days. Other things are not progressing too much. I might join a dancing class come September, though (by "dancer chick with dat ass" from my previous journals; she's a good sort, I like her classes).

[Have at ye]

When I sleep, I feel good, getting many interesting dreams. After I wake up, faced with reality, soon thereafer I become sad and depressed that I'm a przegryw and a spierdolina and I have no friggin' idea what to do about as nothing so far has worked. Oy vey. I also hate people. People suck.

[Have at ye]

I feel depressed with hints of negative emotions popping up now and again (mostly surfacing as anger towards people - better than autoaggression, I guess). Hopefully this will pass and I think it's a side-effect of healing (I hope so, at least). I feel good when sleeping/dreaming and for a little bit after waking up, as noted before. I am getting tired of EHPRAing but I'm gonna finish the full 7 months at least, one more (and change) to go!

I could go for a therapy sesssion to vent a little and see what's up, but my therapist is on vacation for one more week, oy vey.

I could use more fun things to do. The odd translation job (which I'm tired and bored of, but money is money) and one hour of singing practice per day don't cut it. I don't feel like watching TV shows or playing video games (I am rewatching some shows though, to stave off boredom).

[Have at ye]

Had a bit of an emotional release today while listening to Blind Guardian's "Time what is time" song. Good song! It's about Blade Runner, and time and stuff. Although it is a little bit embarassing to get mushy to power metal, haha.

Now I'm listening to this, it's very optimistic, obviously. We haven't had any musac in this journal yet, let's listen some:

[Have at ye]

I think my current set-up, loop-wise and volume wise, is just fine. I had wonky dreams yesternight (very wonky - one was about hacking and me being unable to wash my hair. IRL I'm bald, lol) and a pretty important singing-related dream just now. Feeling pretty good, depressive symptoms are down.

I am getting quite a bit of translation jobs, too. I'd love to have as many singing gigs as that, lol. Preparing to make a recording to send out and maybe they'll hear me audition at another opera house. Looking into chorus work as well.

Stuffies and thingies are going pretty well. Waiting on one thing to get finished by its creator as it should be GOOD.

[Have at ye]

Just had a very long, beautiful, pleasant dream that worked on multiple levels. It was a shame I had to wake up! But it's nice not all dreams on this program are unpleasant/disturbing!

[Have at ye]

Made a recording yesterday with a buddy, it turned out relatively well, especially since we only used his iPhone to make it. I sent it out to some applications for singing gigs. I was pretty happy and felt pretty good about myself yesterday. Getting glimpses from women when I'm out and about when I dress right (to show off my glorious physique instead of my glorious dad bod bits, lol).

Today I'll be doing six loops alotogether as I did one earlier on but started feeling really hungry and had to go out to forage, haha. Now I'm on loop 3 of the usual 5-loop stack.

I didn't have any dreams I can remember yesternight. I'm now down to 99kg again, time to go lower than that! Whatever I'm doing to lose weight is working so I guess it's just a matter of sticking with it.

[Have at ye]

Weight is down slightly below 99 kg, whoop-dee-doop.

I had vivid dreams, school-related mostly from what I remember, and one weird one that took place in a hotel and involved a talking dog (a pitbull terrier, to be exact). He was a poor boy! Also had moments of wonky sensations every now and again. So healing is still going strong. I do feel a bit weary of it, though, so I'll probably simply finish up the 7th month and then switch to OGSF (I don't want to spend years on end running one program, especially one that does not alter my life circumstances directly). Tomorrow will mark 6 months of EHPRAing. I'll simply revisit the program should I feel like it needs more time later on. The plan is still EHPRA -> OGSF -> another go at OED -> hopefully DMSI Final.

I am getting moments of anger and frustration, mostly directed at certain members of the opposite sex and certain individuals who had treated me in a humiliating manner without facing any consequences. This makes me angry.

Working on translation jobs, had to export what I was working on from the server to my own copy of the CAT software because the server crapped out on me more than once and I lost all progress and that made me frustrated. It did turn out the job isn't as large as I thought originally because it has plenty of repetitions (so less work, but also less potato).

I felt happy on Saturday because I was making progress with singing and that made me all "yippie"! Now I'm awaiting word from places I sent out my recordings to, to see whether they'll have me do live auditions.

Feeling lonely still, but that group I joined helps me alleviate that, especially since I'm distancing myself from my "friends" as they are in my opinion hypocrites and also that psycho ex of mine is in that group and no-one's every called her out on her bullshit.

[Have at ye]

I had a cheat day yesteday in my diet. Gotta watch out that these don't break my weight-loss streak, haha!

In other news, today begins month 6 of my EHPRAing. The program is still going strong. It's making me a bit sleepy and I get wonky dreams consistently, as well as a touch of wonky sensations. I was angry today and I don't know at what, but I was tempted to kick doors and such for some reason.

My singing practice space got flooded in yesterday's downpour and now I've gotta go back to practicing at my brother's. Oh joy. Always something, innit?

Otherwise, bored and lonely. At least my analyst is returning from her vacation tomorrow so there's that. I got lots of stuff to rap about.

[Have at ye]

I did a little experiment today and played a stuffy and thingy (not a subliminal, obv) that's trauma-revision oriented to go along with EHPRAing and it seems to have kicked things up a notch, given that I just had a very important, I believe, dream that's related to my familial relations and how I feel no-one ever listened properly, or at least I felt no one really cared all that much, about traumatic experiences I've been through which had a compounded effect that culminated in a psychotic episode (where I ended up in a situation where the only support I had left was my crazy family which the cause of a lot of sexual and emotional trauma, which is *bad*. It's still like that in many respects, at least I get to whine on forums and over a Discord channel of that group I joined). So I'll be trying out this combo for a while, unsless I become overwhelmed or something (mixing the two does not seem to be at odds).

You know, when I was younger I was all like, "why do so many people past a certain age (usually 30-something) I come in touch with whine and complain incessantly" and now I get it, haha. Misery loves company, and this life is miserable.

[Have at ye]

I switched back to listening to EHPRA in hybrid on my phone, 11/15 volume, gonna cut it back down to one loop and then readjust if I feel drawn to a higher number. Screw my neighbors, it's not that loud, I mean it's a phone, goshdarnit. The can kiss my butt or call the cops who'll laugh in their face if they report trickling stream being played on the phone in the middle of the day (i play my loops usually in the late morning/early afternoon).

Otherwise feeling pretty good but sleepy. Wonky dreams are continuing undisturbed. I'm having lots of dreams that involve video-games or video-game inspired situations, it's like my subC is using them to communicate something to younger me, so to speak. That's how I'd interpret it. I haven't played games in ages (last one I played was Disco Elysium, it's amazing and beautiful ).

I also really, really don't feel like working. I do have a trashlation job to do by tomorrow, but it's so *boring*, oy.

[Have at ye]

I reconsidered and am gonna go for 5 loops of EHPRA, hybrid, 11/15 volume, from my phone come tomorrow.

I'm beginning to feel *some* optimism returning, feeling pretty good all things considered. Set up a session with my analyst for next Thursday, we're gonna have a lot to talk about (as usual after a break). Also I made some alterations to my stuffies and thingies regimen today.

I've got a translation job to finish up with tomorrow's deadine but I'm totally procrastinating, lol. At least singing practice went relatively well even though my crazy brother was distracting me by doing stuff. Can't wait to get my practice space back, hopefully this won't take ages!

I also signed up for a support group with elements of dance and movement classes for people who've been through a mental health crisis. There's an application process involved, I have a meeting on Monday. We'll see whether they'll have me (I'm actually worried I'm a little bit too together to qualify, but we'll see. It'd be nice to have a reason to socialize outside my immediate bonkers family and get out of the house every now and again).

What I don't like is that after my 2 cheat days my weight ballooned by nearly 2 kg according to my scales! (!!!) Hopefully it's only a temporary gain which will stabilizie after I stop cheating my diet, lol. They do recommend the occasional cheat day in calorie-deficit diets, though, to keep your metabolism running in high gear. Pah. Makes me feel like a fatso. I don't like feeling like a fatso.