EP UMS JOURNAL

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 2 of bloom. Still dealing with lingering issues over exfriend. I am healing though. Slowly but surely. Thanks to this community for your support. Sometimes I think to myself "Will I EVER get over this shit?" But I remember Shannon stressing the importance of being patirnt with myself. That helps.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 3 of bloom. Nothing noticed so far. You know, I don't know why, but I got nostalgic yesterdaybfor the 2000's, even though that was a period of my life where I was QUITE unhappy. I guess compared to the past few years though, it was quite nice. It's like each day, I just find a way to check out and vegetate rather than really live my life, which I don't seem to want to do. Out of fear? Or maybe out of just being tired of living? Prolly both... I feel impatient once again with the results. I feel like this healing process is so slow, despite how aggressive it is... Probably faster than I realize though...

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 4 of bloom.

I still hate myself. Thought I was passed this part of my healing process. Why can't I just let go of shit? Why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I believe in any change I make? Why is it not enough? Why can't I give myself credit? Why can' I accept myself as I am? Why can't I believe in getting second chances? Why do I feel I need one so badly? I feel as though I'll always think back on the last 4 to 5 years as proof that I'll irredeemably never be good enough. Likenot only will I never be good enough, I'll never be worthy of love and I don't deserve forgiveness or understanding. Hopefully, these feelings or ideas or beliefs or whatever are just E3 working on me and they're my subconscious's way of fighting back against the programming and my subconscious will just eventually stop fighting, but this is a feeling I've had ever since I first got rejected, and truth be told, this is a feeling/belief/idea that I have probably had all my life, that just got buried and triggered by everything that happened with me and my ex-friend. I'm trying to just process it when it comes up, but it doesn't seem to process. I'm having a hard time processing it, having a hard time rewriting it, having a hard time understanding it, having a hard time letting it go and have a hard time healing it. It's just killing me inside, causing constant low-key suffering that occasionally becomes more intense. I fell asleep last night feeling this way, and after at least 8 hours of sleep, I awake feeling this way again. This is going to be some really difficult healing.

[tolgaocal80]

Day 4 of bloom.

I still hate myself. Thought I was passed this part of my healing process. Why can't I just let go of shit? Why can't I forgive myself? Why can't I believe in any change I make? Why is it not enough? Why can't I give myself credit? Why can' I accept myself as I am? Why can't I believe in getting second chances? Why do I feel I need one so badly? I feel as though I'll always think back on the last 4 to 5 years as proof that I'll irredeemably never be good enough. Likenot only will I  never be good enough, I'll never be worthy of love and I don't deserve forgiveness or understanding. Hopefully, these feelings or ideas or beliefs or whatever are just E3 working on me and they're my subconscious's way of fighting back against the programming and my subconscious will just eventually  stop fighting, but this is a feeling I've had ever since I first got rejected, and truth be told, this is a feeling/belief/idea that I have probably had all my life, that just got buried and triggered by everything that happened with me and my ex-friend. I'm trying to just process it when it comes up, but it doesn't seem to process. I'm having a hard time processing it, having a hard time rewriting it, having a hard time understanding it, having a hard time letting it go and have a hard time healing it. It's just killing me inside, causing constant low-key suffering that occasionally becomes more intense. I fell asleep last night feeling this way, and after at least 8 hours of sleep, I awake feeling this way again. This is going to be some really difficult healing.

Sometimes I look at the lives of the people around me and try to feel what they feel, what they avoid, what they feel when they love someone, when they are rejected.At some moments I realize how similar my own life is with them and I try to see the world through their eyes. I always thought that I was special and that when I grew up I would be richer, more powerful, better than anyone, and I could easily have everything I wanted. But as time went by, nothing happened as I thought, and I started blaming myself, just like you did. Because that was the only thing I could do for that moment, and now I can see that I've always lied to myself. I blame myself for things I didn't do, I can go on with it, but when I look at old people I can really see that I'm running out of time. I think you should stop asking yourself questions like that, man, asking yourself why you hate yourself, and trying to find out why. This is not working I have tried too much. When I believed that the people around me had the same value as me, I let myself go.  So many people out there, not even trying to help themselves, You put yourself in your head that you would heal yourself. So you don't hate yourself that much.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Hmm. I see what you're saying. Shannon and others advised that I DO keep asking "Why?" when faxing these emotions. I am really trying to get out of this hole, but it feels like I can't. I'm not saying I BELIEVE I can't (at least not consciously) but it does FEEL that way. Not sure how to put am wnd to these feelings.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

My parents' negativity was affecting me. Wondering if the auric shield's working like it's supposed to?

[Shannon]

When you got rejected, and you started going crazy with self hate etc. did you do that because it gained you something? Yes. What did it gain you? I'd put my money on, "If I trash myself, then I will never try to be accepted, and if I never try to be accepted, I never have to risk being rejected again."

Then if that is the case, you have to wonder... why does it matter to you so much that you got rejected? To which the most likely answer is... "Because she was giving me my sense of self worth. Her approval would make me feel worthwhile and valid and valuable."

And if that is the case, then you could ask yourself, "Why do I need her approval and validation when I can validate and approve of myself?" To which the most likely answer is "Because as a result of Experience X (and possibly Y, Z, etc.) I conclude that I have no value in and of myself, so I need to seek value from others."

Which you could respond to by asking, "Does it make sense that I would conclude that I have no value as a result of those experiences?" to which the answer, of course, is "No." So then you've found yourself a logical fallacy which has led you to make a conclusion that is in error and act like it is true, which effectively makes it true for you as long as you believe it is valid.

To which the solution would be to realize the error, invalidate the belief that you have no value, and start focusing on being the one who values you, and providing yourself with forgiveness, attention, care, love, approval, etc.

We have already been through this. This is the most likely story in my opinion. But you have to play along instead of repeating the same tired mistakes that keep you in the same tired negative cycle.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

When you got rejected, and you started going crazy with self hate etc. did you do that because it gained you something?  Yes.  What did it gain you?  I'd put my money on, "If I trash myself, then I will never try to be accepted, and if I never try to be accepted, I never have to risk being rejected again."

Then if that is the case, you have to wonder... why does it matter to you so much that you got rejected?  To which the most likely answer is... "Because she was giving me my sense of self worth.  Her approval would make me feel worthwhile and valid and valuable."

And if that is the case, then you could ask yourself, "Why do I need her approval and validation when I can validate and approve of myself?"  To which the most likely answer is "Because as a result of Experience X (and possibly Y, Z, etc.) I conclude that I have no value in and of myself, so I need to seek value from others."

Which you could respond to by asking, "Does it make sense that I would conclude that I have no value as a result of those experiences?" to which the answer, of course, is "No."  So then you've found yourself a logical fallacy which has led you to make a conclusion that is in error and act like it is true, which effectively makes it true for you as long as you believe it is valid.  

To which the solution would be to realize the error, invalidate the belief that you have no value, and start focusing on being the one who values you, and providing yourself with forgiveness, attention, care, love, approval, etc.

We have already been through this.  This is the most likely story in my opinion.  But you have to play along instead of repeating the same tired mistakes that keep you in the same tired negative cycle.

You're right. I need to become my primary source of validation and it seems I'm unwilling to do that. I have a hard time accepting myself as i already am, and get the feeling that even if I accomplished the things in my head, I would still struggle with this, because i am holding onto a logical fallacy I don't seem to want to get rid of for some reason, even though it causes me nothing but pain. I need to let this belief go. So why do I resist doing it? Maybe because it comes with responsibility I'm not taking? 

If my life theme is personal sovereignty and personal sovereignty is very connected to personal responsibility, maybe that's what my problem is: not taking responsibility. 

Why do I resist doing that? Because I'm afraid of something? Maybe because it would require me to engage the world around me instead of my usual forms of withdrawal, and I'm afraid to do that?

Hmm..

Also:

"'Does it make sense that I would conclude that I have no value as a result of those experiences?' to which the answer, of course, is 'No.'" 

Well, to be honest, that's another part I struggle with: I feel like if I'm not the ideal vision of myself I have in my head, then I'm not of value. 

I know you say how important it is to get that we can love ourselves as we are and improve at the same time, but for some reason, I have a hard time appreciating that. Probably for reasons related to the above though. 

I've got to just be patient and take it a day at a time, just balancing meditation, school, applying for jobs, and slowly developing my creative ideas. 

And I have to learn to appreciate the person I am building on these things, and tell myself that everyone advances at their own speeds and that these experiences were just needed to show me where there was inner distortion that needs healing, to BECOME who I am and who I'm becoming. I also think I base my sense off self worth around doing, and maybe I should base my worth around BEING instead. But that's a hard mental switch for me to make at this moment. 

Anyway, you're right. I need to get with the program. Letting go of that faulty belief is essential to my forward progression and my personal evolution. 

[Paul1131]

EP. Maybe you should try a different tack for a while. Instead of focusing on how you feel you have no value, why don’t you try looking at all of the reasons that you do. There is something (more than one) about you that is just plain awesome. You should find one of them, then tell us about it in detail. What is it? Why do you have that feature? How will it help you in life?

[EvolvingPhoenix]

EP.  Maybe you should try a different tack for a while.  Instead of focusing on how you feel you have no value, why don’t you try looking at all of the reasons that you do.  There is something (more than one) about you that is just plain awesome.  You should find one of them, then tell us about it in detail.  What is it?  Why do you have that feature?  How will it help you in life?

Yeah, that's a good idea. Thanks

[Ale]

Just a thought, but perhaps you should try reading some of Neville Goddard's concepts.

You might not agree on everything and it might get too religious sometimes, but the concept of "everyone is you pushed out" it's very interesting.
Maybe start looking at things from a different perspective can help you focus on yourself and start looking at others for approval and validation.

[findingme]

Congratulations EP. You being uncomfortable with these awarenesses means one thing: you're closer to your solutions, and when you see one, you'll recognize it and likely run to it. When you're seeing with open eyes the stuff you despise in yourself, you're CLOSER---so much closer--to the other side of it. Staying with it, in my experience, has always been the hardest part. I didn't want to feel helpless to change things which had been in me for years. I've ran away countless times. But before you choose that, let me ask you to think for a moment.

Have you ever been in that spot of recognizing everything bad before, all at one time? How are you even slightly different now?

You're right. I need to become my primary source of validation and it seems I'm unwilling to do that.

Is this unwillingness on your part, or are you only doing what you've seen others do? I can guess this answer, but were others around you comfortable in their own skin? Or were they nervous, insecure, or sometimes even pretentious?

I have a hard time accepting myself as i already am, and get the feeling that even if I accomplished the things in my head, I would still struggle with this, because i am holding onto a logical fallacy I don't seem to want to get rid of for some reason, even though it causes me nothing but pain. I need to let this belief go. So why do I resist doing it? Maybe because it comes with responsibility I'm not taking? 

Again, is this unwillingness and failure, or are you doing what you've seen others do your entire life? At this time, do you REALLY know anything different? Or rather, do you believe anything different?

If my life theme is personal sovereignty and personal sovereignty is very connected to personal responsibility, maybe that's what my problem is: not taking responsibility. 

You're aware of your problem. Most people never even realize this. Denial is more common than truth since denial is about avoiding responsibility. You're very uncomfortable, but I see that EP is NOT in denial You took responsibility for yourself today!!

Why do I resist doing that? Because I'm afraid of something? Maybe because it would require me to engage the world around me instead of my usual forms of withdrawal, and I'm afraid to do that?

Maybe your resisting in other parts of life had some desirable returns, like attention, kindness, caring--and likely the biggest one is: someone giving you the message and actual belief that you can't handle it, or worse, them taking responsibility away from you. If it worked once and you were relieved, then why not try again, and again, again?

I ask since.......well, me too. I've done this loads of times. You are not alone in this struggle. It takes a lot of gonads to ask yourself such questions and be honest with your answers.

Anyway, you're right. I need to get with the program. Letting go of that faulty belief is essential to my forward progression and my personal evolution. 

I think you are actually with the program already. You're finding self-made roadblocks though--which is UMS manifesting that it's working. It's showing you your personal beliefs, thoughts, and actions which are working against the goals of the program. EP is not a failure. He's a regular human being going forward with BOTH fear and courage into these ill-working ways. Old ways brought more pain than joy and happiness, and you CHOSE to use this sub to change things, a bit at a time.

Your courage shows tremendously EP. You're facing your inner darkness, seeing where you've been stuck, and you called for help.

We're here giving you guidance. Keep on with UMS, and look for the itsy bitsy progress each day. I read and re-read the program goals myself, so when some change happens, I can say "Goal (#) is happening!". It works for me, for what we think on......expands. You did a GREAT JOB of being honest here EP!!

You deserve some credit for this

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Wow. Thanks Findingme. That really means a lot and makes me feel better about things. Thanks for your optimistic guidance and thank you to everyone else so far for your patience, support and contribution to my personal growth!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Just a thought, but perhaps you should try reading some of Neville Goddard's concepts.

You might not agree on everything and it might get too religious sometimes, but the concept of "everyone is you pushed out" it's very interesting.
Maybe start looking at things from a different perspective can help you focus on yourself and start looking at others for approval and validation.

Sounds cool! Sounds right up my alley, actually, without getting into any more detail than that. Thanks for the suggestion!