09-14-2016, 05:35 AM
After my newfound realization about responsibility and taking control of my own mind I've had a change of heart about how much to listen to this sub daily. I know I've been back and forth with this, but I've been using E2 too much like a crutch to do everything for me. For example, lets say I was procrastinating hard and I realized this so I'd listen to E2 in hopes that the procrastination would go away. Instead of just forcing myself to do whatever it was I needed to do, I kept thinking if I just cleared out some more stuff I'd be all good. The problem with this is I definitely think I'm over listening to the sub for my rate of growth and it's hurting me more than helping me at this point. So I'm strictly limiting myself to night hours only. I think part of it is definitely fear. The "I'm worried I'm not getting enough hours" effect. But I know in my day to day life when people push me to do something I'm not ready for I shut down, can't take criticism, at times twist everything in my head to make them seem like a bad person so I don't take their advice, and anything else that gets me to avoid the thing I fear the most. My reaction to this sub I've noticed is very similar, which leads me to believe the solution isn't to hammer away at my mind and push past resistance, but to take it slower and re-adjust to a speed where I'm having constant growth instead of these large spikes of productivity and dips of inactivity. I swear at times I feel like I'm in the body of a man, with the mind of a frightened kid. You know when a parent pushes a kid to do something and they get scared and their reaction is to hide under a bed or something? That's pretty much the equivalent of what my mind does. I need to stop being so polarized and seeing my subconscious as the enemy and fighting it all the time and start showing more compassion and understanding. It's not self-sabotage it's self-preservation, but my conscious mind perceives it as self-sabotage.
