08-26-2016, 06:54 AM
Been thinking about laying off the hours a bit for E2. Lately I feel like I don't have the energy for anything. Hard to tell what's a result of my emotional state vs E2 being too demanding on my brain. For example I was reading about synthesizers and how to make certain sounds but it's like I couldn't grasp the concepts. To be honest it felt like I was incapable of understanding what the words were saying on the page. It's not like this was new stuff either, if anything it was more like a review but there was this internal tension as I struggled to make the connections in my brain. Gonna restrict my hours to night listening and see what happens.
Now that I think of it maybe all this procrastination lately isn't me avoiding stuff, it's just not having enough energy to do it. But of course when you feel like you need to do something and you don't, it just weighs heavy on your mind. I'm still in a bad habit of pushing myself beyond my limits instead of taking it easy because I think I can just plow through all this stuff and come out the other side. That's just really a result of my tendency to not break things down into smaller steps and my perfectionism. There's almost an impatience inside of me that wants so badly to move beyond all this stuff I fail to recognize the small achievements because I'm not quite reaching the idealized version of myself in my mind.
But as an aside to that I joined an online dating website and after looking at some of the women I realized there's still a lot of negative beliefs surrounding this area of my life. First one is I have a tendency to feel guilty if I don't find a woman attractive, like I'm too shallow. It might have something to do with my problems with body dysmorphia in the past, I'm very critical of my own looks so I'd imagine I do that to other people as well. Second is I felt like at my age, 25, no woman would be interested in me because I don't have a steady career or my own place. This points towards still basing my self worth on outside things and not valuing who I am as a person. Third is I'm incredibly distrusting of women in general, I have a tendency to think they always have some ulterior motive and I need to be careful around them. Basically those problems in the simplest of terms fear, guilt, and shame. Shannon was spot on when he said those problems are the trifecta of dysfunction in most people.
Now that I think of it maybe all this procrastination lately isn't me avoiding stuff, it's just not having enough energy to do it. But of course when you feel like you need to do something and you don't, it just weighs heavy on your mind. I'm still in a bad habit of pushing myself beyond my limits instead of taking it easy because I think I can just plow through all this stuff and come out the other side. That's just really a result of my tendency to not break things down into smaller steps and my perfectionism. There's almost an impatience inside of me that wants so badly to move beyond all this stuff I fail to recognize the small achievements because I'm not quite reaching the idealized version of myself in my mind.
But as an aside to that I joined an online dating website and after looking at some of the women I realized there's still a lot of negative beliefs surrounding this area of my life. First one is I have a tendency to feel guilty if I don't find a woman attractive, like I'm too shallow. It might have something to do with my problems with body dysmorphia in the past, I'm very critical of my own looks so I'd imagine I do that to other people as well. Second is I felt like at my age, 25, no woman would be interested in me because I don't have a steady career or my own place. This points towards still basing my self worth on outside things and not valuing who I am as a person. Third is I'm incredibly distrusting of women in general, I have a tendency to think they always have some ulterior motive and I need to be careful around them. Basically those problems in the simplest of terms fear, guilt, and shame. Shannon was spot on when he said those problems are the trifecta of dysfunction in most people.
