06-08-2016, 09:20 AM
So I think I still have remnants of a victim mentality. You know the funny thing about a victim mentality? You tell someone they have it and they get defensive and play out the victim mentality some more. I used to think my struggle was special or different somehow, that mostly everyone else has it easier. Not gonna lie, I definitely felt short changed in life. But I spent a good amount of years feeling bad about it instead of doing something. Anytime someone told me to push my comfort zone or try harder I'd get pissed. In my mind I was doing all I could do, but I really wasn't. Especially now that I've seen so much progress being made on E2 and how it's slowly removing those beliefs that make me believe that things should be easier.
I was working on my music the other day and I was fighting a familiar battle with procrastination and not finishing a track. I noticed I kept thinking that maybe I was missing something, some kind of knowledge or if I just made my drums sound better my track would be good enough. But then I realized that the only way to get better at this is to keep doing it. And I felt that it should be easier and I was doing something wrong, but the truth is if it was easy everyone would do it. I thought about the pioneers in the music I like and how back in the day their resources were limited and they were forced to experiment and discover on their own. Nowadays it's information overload and you can get so paralyzed trying to figure out how to do the "right" thing that you never take the initiative to explore things yourself. When I thought I was working hard on researching new techniques and progressing, I was really just afraid of doing things myself because of everything being unknown. I never learned that much because half the time it wasn't a quest for knowledge, it was a quest for the right answer out of fear.
Along with that I'm noticing my horrible habit of dissociating has decreased a lot. I think this is because my fear has gone down a lot. I'd imagine dissociation is just a defense mechanism I created when I had all this fear and anxiety and no solution to it. In a way I felt like I had a choice when I engaged in it in the past, but also I felt that it kind of just happened as a self preservation thing beyond my control. Either way it's going down now which I'm grateful for because dissociating is one of the things that led to me losing control of my life. I'd constantly hide from things and hoped they would go away on their own but they grew even bigger and I payed the price.
I was working on my music the other day and I was fighting a familiar battle with procrastination and not finishing a track. I noticed I kept thinking that maybe I was missing something, some kind of knowledge or if I just made my drums sound better my track would be good enough. But then I realized that the only way to get better at this is to keep doing it. And I felt that it should be easier and I was doing something wrong, but the truth is if it was easy everyone would do it. I thought about the pioneers in the music I like and how back in the day their resources were limited and they were forced to experiment and discover on their own. Nowadays it's information overload and you can get so paralyzed trying to figure out how to do the "right" thing that you never take the initiative to explore things yourself. When I thought I was working hard on researching new techniques and progressing, I was really just afraid of doing things myself because of everything being unknown. I never learned that much because half the time it wasn't a quest for knowledge, it was a quest for the right answer out of fear.
Along with that I'm noticing my horrible habit of dissociating has decreased a lot. I think this is because my fear has gone down a lot. I'd imagine dissociation is just a defense mechanism I created when I had all this fear and anxiety and no solution to it. In a way I felt like I had a choice when I engaged in it in the past, but also I felt that it kind of just happened as a self preservation thing beyond my control. Either way it's going down now which I'm grateful for because dissociating is one of the things that led to me losing control of my life. I'd constantly hide from things and hoped they would go away on their own but they grew even bigger and I payed the price.
