04-18-2016, 06:55 AM
Something I've noticed but haven't really posted about is how when I'm in between that state of sleep and being fully awake I find that there's a lot more emotional pain that comes up. It's like my guard is down more and I'm not as self conscious about the things I've been struggling with. I don't know if anybody else can relate here, but I often have trouble not only opening up to people but when I do I can't really describe the depth of what it is I'm having a hard time with. It's like I want to tell other people but there's nothing to tell. Just a whole bunch of jumbled up feelings all at once.
The other thing I'm having trouble with is understanding the difference between needing to change to benefit myself vs needing to change to fit into a certain environment more. It's like I'm not confident enough in who I am, so every time I feel like something doesn't fit for me it just feels like there is something wrong with me and I doubt everything I know about myself. This leads to a cycle of over analysis about myself which puts me in my head too much and causes excessive rumination about not being good enough. At some point I have to learn where I need improvement vs where I'm comparing myself excessively to other people who I'm fundamentally different from.
That's it for the more emotionally heavy stuff. The weather has been getting really nice here so the past few days I went to the skatepark. Been a while since I stepped on a board so I've just been working on feeling comfortable again. I was playing the sub while skating to see if maybe the overcome fear script improved my skating a bit. I definitely felt more confident when trying new stuff. Among my friends I've always progressed slower with new stuff because I was always afraid to try new things. And because I was afraid I'd bail on tricks or screw up which would ironically hurt me more than if I just commit to the trick. But anyway the physical exercise has been doing me good and it's been fun just picking up a hobby again.
The other thing I'm having trouble with is understanding the difference between needing to change to benefit myself vs needing to change to fit into a certain environment more. It's like I'm not confident enough in who I am, so every time I feel like something doesn't fit for me it just feels like there is something wrong with me and I doubt everything I know about myself. This leads to a cycle of over analysis about myself which puts me in my head too much and causes excessive rumination about not being good enough. At some point I have to learn where I need improvement vs where I'm comparing myself excessively to other people who I'm fundamentally different from.
That's it for the more emotionally heavy stuff. The weather has been getting really nice here so the past few days I went to the skatepark. Been a while since I stepped on a board so I've just been working on feeling comfortable again. I was playing the sub while skating to see if maybe the overcome fear script improved my skating a bit. I definitely felt more confident when trying new stuff. Among my friends I've always progressed slower with new stuff because I was always afraid to try new things. And because I was afraid I'd bail on tricks or screw up which would ironically hurt me more than if I just commit to the trick. But anyway the physical exercise has been doing me good and it's been fun just picking up a hobby again.
