E2 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well, I don't just wanna work any job if I can help it. With the help of Vocational Rehabilitation Services, CARD, and my employment specialist, I might just be able to get a job I LIKE. We're going over possibilities with each weekly meeting until we have a goal planned out. So we'll see where this leads to.

Just satin that sometimes it’s good to just have a occupation and do something useful of yourself during the days. Couldn’t hurt. And it looks good on your resume to show some ambition, what type isn’t always the important part.

I see what you're saying, but I'm getting a lot of help here and it would be a waste of opportunity not to use it. Getting a job is good, but getting one I like is even better. With all the help I'm getting, I might at least get work I partially like. We'll see how this all unfolds, but I'm hoping to find work that'll fit my needs. If I've got a shot at getting work like that, why waste it out of desperation? Another thing I'm looking into is freelance writing on the net. I'm trying to learn more about it, but I'm good at writing and it sounds like I can get a lot of freedom and make decent money freelance writing if I play my cards right. My employment specialist is also helping me look into that. Then I'd just need a part time job that would help me make friends.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 52:

EDIT:

Been spending my time suppressing negative thoughts and distracting myself. Best I feel I can do until I at least get E3.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 53:

I notice I have a tendency to post about my issues on either this forum or another one and then look for replies. I dunno why I do this. I guess because I feel safer talking about these issues on these online forums than I do with friends and family, who don't really listen or can't understand or empathize. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, but I realize that I just keep saying the same stuff over and over on these forums, running laps in the same circles. I edit it out now. I don't really know what to say. A piece of me feels like I need to update just to report and record progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. And maybe that's not true. Maybe due to the naturalizer, I AM making progress and just don't notice it. I dunno. But so far, the pattern of ruminating on the past and fantasizing about the future are still the norm. Actually, fantasizing about the future isn't so bad, but I fantasize about confronting the past in the future. Confronting it with the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself I've changed and I deserve to be judged for who I am, not who I was, but I judge myself for my past still. It'll probably take a while before I can move forward.

[Greenduck]

Day 53:

I notice I have a tendency to post about my issues on either this forum or another one and then look for replies. I dunno why I do this. I guess because I feel safer talking about these issues on these online forums than I do with friends and family, who don't really listen or can't understand or empathize. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, but I realize that I just keep saying the same stuff over and over on these forums, running laps in the same circles. I edit it out now. I don't really know what to say. A piece of me feels like I need to update just to report and record progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. And maybe that's not true. Maybe due to the naturalizer, I AM making progress and just don't notice it. I dunno. But so far, the pattern of ruminating on the past and fantasizing about the future are still the norm. Actually, fantasizing about the future isn't so bad, but I fantasize about confronting the past in the future. Confronting it with the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself I've changed and I deserve to be judged for who I am, not who I was, but I judge myself for my past still. It'll probably take a while before I can move forward.

Man I did the same thing as you before. You are searching for an answer outside of yourself. You need to face yourself, that's the only way. There are no shortcuts. Life is tough and you can't hide from it. There are people who will support you but a big part of it you will have to figure out on your own. And even if you don't feel you have the strength to do so, you have the capacity to do it, bit by bit. I can really recommend meditation to learn to be present with whatever is there right now, or yoga. Ground yourself, exercise, take small risks and move forward a bit every day and you will get the hang of it and create a momentum in yourself and in your life. When you are stagnant you forget how it feels when you can move your life forward in a direction, and staying stagnant will not get you anywhere, but moving into the uncomfortable and challenge yourself will. You are just as good as anyone out there, and when you put yourself out there more, you will notice this.

[Greenduck]

Well, I don't just wanna work any job if I can help it. With the help of Vocational Rehabilitation Services, CARD, and my employment specialist, I might just be able to get a job I LIKE. We're going over possibilities with each weekly meeting until we have a goal planned out. So we'll see where this leads to.

Just satin that sometimes it’s good to just have a occupation and do something useful of yourself during the days. Couldn’t hurt. And it looks good on your resume to show some ambition, what type isn’t always the important part.

I see what you're saying, but I'm getting a lot of help here and it would be a waste of opportunity not to use it. Getting a job is good, but getting one I like is even better. With all the help I'm getting, I might at least get work I partially like. We'll see how this all unfolds, but I'm hoping to find work that'll fit my needs. If I've got a shot at getting work like that, why waste it out of desperation? Another thing I'm looking into is freelance writing on the net. I'm trying to learn more about it, but I'm good at writing and it sounds like I can get a lot of freedom and make decent money freelance writing if I play my cards right. My employment specialist is also helping me look into that. Then I'd just need a part time job that would help me make friends.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 52:

EDIT:

Been spending my time suppressing negative thoughts and distracting myself. Best I feel I can do until I at least get E3.

I actually think you would benefit just to be around other people and do some work. You are setting up expectations, and expectations are always useless. You most of the time don't really know what you want until you have it. Our capacity to see in our minds what our life should be is very limited, a better compass is your own feelings. And you don't know how something feels until you are there, right? To be around people challenges us to develop and be part of something bigger than ourselves. We are challenged socially and it can likewise be rewarding.

[Zane]

Don't expect anything.. Just flow. Soon the the unexpected will starting happening which will exceed beyond anything you ever expected.

Expectations = Limitations

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 53:

I notice I have a tendency to post about my issues on either this forum or another one and then look for replies. I dunno why I do this. I guess because I feel safer talking about these issues on these online forums than I do with friends and family, who don't really listen or can't understand or empathize. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, but I realize that I just keep saying the same stuff over and over on these forums, running laps in the same circles. I edit it out now. I don't really know what to say. A piece of me feels like I need to update just to report and record progress, but it doesn't feel like I'm making any progress. And maybe that's not true. Maybe due to the naturalizer, I AM making progress and just don't notice it. I dunno. But so far, the pattern of ruminating on the past and fantasizing about the future are still the norm. Actually, fantasizing about the future isn't so bad, but I fantasize about confronting the past in the future. Confronting it with the people who have hurt me. I'm trying to convince myself I've changed and I deserve to be judged for who I am, not who I was, but I judge myself for my past still. It'll probably take a while before I can move forward.

Man I did the same thing as you before. You are searching for an answer outside of yourself. You need to face yourself, that's the only way. There are no shortcuts. Life is tough and you can't hide from it. There are people who will support you but a big part of it you will have to figure out on your own. And even if you don't feel you have the strength to do so, you have the capacity to do it, bit by bit. I can really recommend meditation to learn to be present with whatever is there right now, or yoga. Ground yourself, exercise, take small risks and move forward a bit every day and you will get the hang of it and create a momentum in yourself and in your life. When you are stagnant you forget how it feels when you can move your life forward in a direction, and staying stagnant will not get you anywhere, but moving into the uncomfortable and challenge yourself will. You are just as good as anyone out there, and when you put yourself out there more, you will notice this.

You're right. I should probably meditate more. Thanks Greenduck

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Well, I don't just wanna work any job if I can help it. With the help of Vocational Rehabilitation Services, CARD, and my employment specialist, I might just be able to get a job I LIKE. We're going over possibilities with each weekly meeting until we have a goal planned out. So we'll see where this leads to.

Just satin that sometimes it’s good to just have a occupation and do something useful of yourself during the days. Couldn’t hurt. And it looks good on your resume to show some ambition, what type isn’t always the important part.

I see what you're saying, but I'm getting a lot of help here and it would be a waste of opportunity not to use it. Getting a job is good, but getting one I like is even better. With all the help I'm getting, I might at least get work I partially like. We'll see how this all unfolds, but I'm hoping to find work that'll fit my needs. If I've got a shot at getting work like that, why waste it out of desperation? Another thing I'm looking into is freelance writing on the net. I'm trying to learn more about it, but I'm good at writing and it sounds like I can get a lot of freedom and make decent money freelance writing if I play my cards right. My employment specialist is also helping me look into that. Then I'd just need a part time job that would help me make friends.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Day 52:

EDIT:

Been spending my time suppressing negative thoughts and distracting myself. Best I feel I can do until I at least get E3.

I actually think you would benefit just to be around other people and do some work. You are setting up expectations, and expectations are always useless. You most of the time don't really know what you want until you have it. Our capacity to see in our minds what our life should be is very limited, a better compass is your own feelings. And you don't know how something feels until you are there, right? To be around people challenges us to develop and be part of something bigger than ourselves. We are challenged socially and it can likewise be rewarding.

.
Well I figure any job I get will likely put me around people. I know how my last job felt and I don't want a job that feels like that. These people are helping me out. Maybe the job I get won't be what I expected, but at least I'll have moved in the direction I wanted. And if I don't like the job I do pick, I could talk to voc rehab about getting a different one. But I'll take the advantage of the help I'm getting and see if I can at least move in a direction I like.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 54:

Normally, I am uninterested in people sharing their dreams, but this one made a difference in my perspective, so I'll mention it. I went to bed early after drinking a liter of beer last night. The alcohol caused me to have... vivid dreams I guess, that were different from the norm. Anyway, I dreamed about creating a heroic journey for myself. I then woke up and thought about it and realized that when I posted my post about suggesting a "perfect adventure" manifestation sub, what I really wanted was a heroic journey. So then I started thinking about our lives as narratives following the heroic journey pattern, like what if being born on Earth is in itself a heroic journey? What's my journey? What part of the journey am I experiencing. I thought about how in a heroic journey, a hero's got an issue that needs to change, they get called to adventure, go looking for something greater, find it, experience a great dark point, and then get through it a changed person. I realize my problem was that I had a fear based mentality that needed validation from others and needed external sources of validation. Life itself is kind of the call to adventure I guess and I went searching for answers for what kind of man I want to be and what I want to become, I finally found my answers by falling in unrequited love and then having my heart broken and then experiencing a traumatic friendship breakup. I need to view this not as proof that I suck and as a defining moment that proves I'm worthless, but as a catalytic moment that helped me to become that man I've always wanted to become. Then I read Darth Xedonias's posts about becoming a "transcendent alpha" realized that's what I want to be and realize I need to let go of my need for my friend's approval if I want to become that man. I wish I had been that man when I met my friend. Maybe then the attraction would have been mutual and I would still be friends with her. But I can at least turn that experience into the catalyst I need to become that man I feel I always should have been. I call myself "Evolving Phoenix" for a reason: because I want to rise from the ashes of the self I was into the self I want to be. I want to be "reborn" as a transcendent alpha who's attractive to high value women, such as my ex-friend. But I now realize that becoming that transcendent alpha means letting go of my NEED to be attractive to women such as my ex-friend, which, ironically, will make me more attractive to them. I need to let my friend go. I need to let this obsession go. I need to let my need for external validation go. That's how I can die and be reborn from my ashes as the man I want to become. That's how I can live up to my screen name.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I look at the stuff on my daily "To-do" list that I don't do, and I think about why I don't do it. I've been "taking it easy" on myself, until I "get better" because I've been in such a low place... but now I'm thinking maybe that's just an excuse to be lazy. I dunno. There are honestly some days where it feels hard to just get out of bed and stand to be conscious, because I feel so low and then when I AM awake, I rely on drugs and distraction to tolerate it. But on other days, I feel okay and I possibly COULD do something, but I just don't. Today, it's like I just had this realization that I need to take my reliance on external validation and sacrifice it for my own higher good, but even after that realization, I find myself having flashbacks to the past or something similarly demoralizing in my head, and saying "I hate myself" only to get my mind off of it and go back to just doing nothing. These only last in short seconds-long bursts, but I'm otherwise feeling okay, yet I still find myself just kind of mindlessly distracting myself instead of doing anything productive. Then again, it IS early in the morning. Maybe I can start doing some stuff, slowly but surely today, like practice some Japanese or go back to Meditation Walking.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

So my dad's trying to get me to convert to Judaism, because if I do, I stand to inherit millions of dollars worth of property, money, etc. Thing is, as a seeker of the Law of One, I'm not a Jew. I'm not gonna lie and pretend there isn't a piece of me screaming inside: "Oh just convert, light the candles and fo to Synagogue on Fridays and you're pretty much set for life!" But the truth is, that's just not who I am.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 55:

Just woke up. Faced my feelings about the friendship breakup head on. I'm hurt. Badly hurt. To be rejected and turned away so badly. It hurts so much. I'm in tears. But I MUST love myself. I MUST forgive myself. I MUST be the best version of myself I can possibly be. I MUST change the way I see myself to one that's more loving and be the friend to myself she once was and stopped being. The friend I NEED. I've got to be that friend to myself, because that's who I most NEED to be that for me. I'm crying as I write this. Maybe E2 IS working. Or maybe I'm just now starting to find my courage and learning and accepting what I have to do. I dunno. It feels like such a simple, yet so difficult, yet so easy task: Just forgive myself and love myself and be the best self I can be and don't judge myself for where I'm at or my perceived shortcomings. Yet, it feels so hard to do that. But it's what I MUST do. I've GOT to turn my self image around.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Who do I need to prove I've changed to? My friend or myself? Have I changed? Have I changed enough? Is there a such thing as changing enough for me? Do I need to change at all to be worthy of the love I have denied myself for so long? Or am I worthy of it just as I am, flaws and all? If I'm enough, just as I am, why strive for improvement? Is it right to view it as improvement? Maybe the best "improvement" is to just follow my heart. Whatever the hell that means. What the hell DOES that mean and how do I do it? Do I need my friend to be in the wrong for friend dumping my ass or can I accept that she had every good reason to and forgive myself for that? Is there even a such thing as being right or wrong in that scenario? Do I need there to be and if so, why? Do I need to accept myself as I am or as I WAS? Maybe both? I am facing some very serious shit right now. And Im being expected to function normally today and I don't know how easy that will be or if I should even try.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm barely holding it together today, yet somehow I've managed to go the whole day without my dad noticing. I've been breaking down into tears a lot. I NEED E3, as soon as I cam get it.

[THolt]

I'm barely holding it together today, yet somehow I've managed to go the whole day without my dad noticing. I've been breaking down into tears a lot. I NEED E3, as soon as I cam get it.

I am sure you will get the program in no time and will be reaping the benefits soon!!