04-30-2019, 10:01 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-01-2019, 03:57 PM by EvolvingPhoenix.)
Day 32:
Procrastination and the need to just stay in bed are strong today. I feel that inner fear I've often had. The one where I'm afraid to just do the productive things I feel I ought to be doing. I don't know why I have these feelings. But it's like I'm afraid to live my life, and there's a desire I have to live my life a certain way, but I don't know exactly what that way is yet. And even if I did know, I'd still have to contend with this fear. I honestly can't wait to go on LTU5, with E3 and the FRM on it. But I have to.
I tried the "becoming" technique earlier today, this time without getting too specific. I still had a hard time concentrating and utilizing all 5 senses AND my emotions. And TBH, I feel "paralyzed" today, in a way that's hard to describe. At least I'm not feeling lonely or beating myself up over the friendship breakup. I remain hopeful that I'll one day be able to use the "Becoming" technique to get my friend back, even if it's taking longer than I would have hoped to be able to use it for that purpose. But I'm having a hard time just DOING the "becoming" technique in the first place.
And right now, I'm struggling to even do anything. I don't know why I feel this way today, but all I wanna do is sleep. I'm still gonna get off my butt and go for a meditation walk and do my healing codes, but other than that, I've got no idea what else I WANT to do, but sleep and d*ck around on the computer. And whenever I d*ck around on the computer, it feels like I'm just trying to keep myself in a distracted state, but I don't know what I'm trying to distract myself from. It's not just boredom I'm trying to distract myself from, but something more. Maybe this fear I'm feeling? I dunno. I'm having a hard time with all this...
Procrastination and the need to just stay in bed are strong today. I feel that inner fear I've often had. The one where I'm afraid to just do the productive things I feel I ought to be doing. I don't know why I have these feelings. But it's like I'm afraid to live my life, and there's a desire I have to live my life a certain way, but I don't know exactly what that way is yet. And even if I did know, I'd still have to contend with this fear. I honestly can't wait to go on LTU5, with E3 and the FRM on it. But I have to.
I tried the "becoming" technique earlier today, this time without getting too specific. I still had a hard time concentrating and utilizing all 5 senses AND my emotions. And TBH, I feel "paralyzed" today, in a way that's hard to describe. At least I'm not feeling lonely or beating myself up over the friendship breakup. I remain hopeful that I'll one day be able to use the "Becoming" technique to get my friend back, even if it's taking longer than I would have hoped to be able to use it for that purpose. But I'm having a hard time just DOING the "becoming" technique in the first place.
And right now, I'm struggling to even do anything. I don't know why I feel this way today, but all I wanna do is sleep. I'm still gonna get off my butt and go for a meditation walk and do my healing codes, but other than that, I've got no idea what else I WANT to do, but sleep and d*ck around on the computer. And whenever I d*ck around on the computer, it feels like I'm just trying to keep myself in a distracted state, but I don't know what I'm trying to distract myself from. It's not just boredom I'm trying to distract myself from, but something more. Maybe this fear I'm feeling? I dunno. I'm having a hard time with all this...
