04-21-2019, 11:06 PM
So I was going for a meditation walk tonight and having a very hard time of it. My mind wanted to think about issues I have, and "What do I want in life?" and "Why do I want that?" and all kinds of questions that distract me from just simply being in the moment and mindfully experiencing the present. So I stopped and thought to myself about that for a second and it occurred to me that if I were present, I would have to accept the present not only as it is, but as it unfolds. And I think there's a piece of me that wants to feel in control and doesn't trust the universe to just give me whatever experience it will, because I've had so many painful experiences in the past. So I go into my mind and I plan out the future, or try to figure out what I want, or I fantasize or things like that. So I can feel safe and in control. I have a hard time of letting go of control, just trusting the universe and enjoying the present as it unfolds.
And then there's a piece of me which cannot accept the now as it is. A piece of me that feels something is always LACKING from the present, making it not good enough. That's another critical part of what keeps me from being in the moment. My unwillingness to accept things just as they are. There's always more I want in my life. More I want in myself. More I want out of my day. More I want in general. And it prevents me from enjoying the present.
I'm not sure what to do about these issues, but now I at least have more awareness of these issues and how they affect my ability to meditate and be present.
I also came to understand something about myself: There's a part of me deep down that feels the rejection I grew up with all my life and badly want that sense of acceptence I didn't have growing up. This need to be one of the cool people, to be successful, to have a gorgeous GF, and to have lots of friends. I think part of it is deeply rooted in the rejection I grew up with, and then after my best friend friend dumped me, it was like all that rejection I grew up with was affirmed as being valid or something. I feel so rejected and I guess I really want to find a way to get that sense of acceptance and respect I feel I never had growing up. Thing is, even when lots of people liked me, I didn't feel accepted. It's like I could have all those things and still not be happy or satisfied. That piece of me is still wounded inside and I don't know what I could do to heal it.
And then there's a piece of me which cannot accept the now as it is. A piece of me that feels something is always LACKING from the present, making it not good enough. That's another critical part of what keeps me from being in the moment. My unwillingness to accept things just as they are. There's always more I want in my life. More I want in myself. More I want out of my day. More I want in general. And it prevents me from enjoying the present.
I'm not sure what to do about these issues, but now I at least have more awareness of these issues and how they affect my ability to meditate and be present.
I also came to understand something about myself: There's a part of me deep down that feels the rejection I grew up with all my life and badly want that sense of acceptence I didn't have growing up. This need to be one of the cool people, to be successful, to have a gorgeous GF, and to have lots of friends. I think part of it is deeply rooted in the rejection I grew up with, and then after my best friend friend dumped me, it was like all that rejection I grew up with was affirmed as being valid or something. I feel so rejected and I guess I really want to find a way to get that sense of acceptance and respect I feel I never had growing up. Thing is, even when lots of people liked me, I didn't feel accepted. It's like I could have all those things and still not be happy or satisfied. That piece of me is still wounded inside and I don't know what I could do to heal it.
