Delta's AM6 Journal

[TangoDelta]

I've realized my fear of failure is greater than my desire for success, that may explain the procrastination. I don't know how to go about remedying this, but I've gotta try.

[TangoDelta]

Negativity ahead:

10 days into Stage 5. External things have been going between ok and are border-lining on bad if I don't get my act together. Internal things are very bad. Exams are coming up and I haven't done the homework assignments or studied. I have 4 days until my first exam.

I can't stop playing video games. I delete them from my computer when I feel guilty from playing them, try to do some productive stuff, then re-download the game and keep on playing a few hours later. I cannot bring myself to do anything else. I have a strong urge to do a different subliminal, Overcome Procrastination or Improve Grades and Study Habits for example. I hate hate hate how this feels.

I hate myself for being such a lazy piece of crap, I hate myself for not doing homework and studying, I hate myself for not working out, and I hate myself for playing video games. But no matter how much I hate myself, I don't change anything. I don't know what is going on here, but it's bad. Why do I all of a sudden have such a strong urge to quit this program? I've honestly thought about quitting. I probably only want to quit because I think (hope) a different sub will fix all my problems, but I doubt that'll actually happen. Is this resistance? Why can't I bring myself to do anything productive, no matter how hard I try. I cannot express how much I hate myself and what I have done, or rather, what I have not done. Maybe I have an addiction to video games, or I use them to hide and distract me from my responsibilities. It totally sucks that this has to happen in the final two weeks of school. I can't let this ruin my semester. I don't know if I'll have the motivation, or rather, self-discipline, to do what needs to be done. WTF is going on with me!?

Edit: my best analogy is that I feel like I have the inertia of a locomotive (procrastination), but I don't have the strength (self-discipline/motivation/will-power) to get it (myself) moving.

Sorry to post such a negative...post. I know nobody likes them.

[ffaux]

You've got a rough 54 days ahead of you but I'd stick with it. You've hit some pretty major resistance but if you don't work through it now you'll essentially waste the past 4 stages and have to wait till you hit stage 5 in your next run to deal with this. It's disruptive for sure but my recommendation is to stick with it. I experienced something similar last time around and it's nowhere to be seen this time around. Good luck!

[QuantumEnthusiast]

Negativity ahead:

10 days into Stage 5. External things have been going between ok and are border-lining on bad if I don't get my act together. Internal things are very bad. Exams are coming up and I haven't done the homework assignments or studied. I have 4 days until my first exam.

I can't stop playing video games. I delete them from my computer when I feel guilty from playing them, try to do some productive stuff, then re-download the game and keep on playing a few hours later. I cannot bring myself to do anything else. I have a strong urge to do a different subliminal, Overcome Procrastination or Improve Grades and Study Habits for example. I hate hate hate how this feels.

I hate myself for being such a lazy piece of crap, I hate myself for not doing homework and studying, I hate myself for not working out, and I hate myself for playing video games. But no matter how much I hate myself, I don't change anything. I don't know what is going on here, but it's bad. Why do I all of a sudden have such a strong urge to quit this program? I've honestly thought about quitting. I probably only want to quit because I think (hope) a different sub will fix all my problems, but I doubt that'll actually happen. Is this resistance? Why can't I bring myself to do anything productive, no matter how hard I try. I cannot express how much I hate myself and what I have done, or rather, what I have not done. Maybe I have an addiction to video games, or I use them to hide and distract me from my responsibilities. It totally sucks that this has to happen in the final two weeks of school. I can't let this ruin my semester. I don't know if I'll have the motivation, or rather, self-discipline, to do what needs to be done. WTF is going on with me!?

Edit: my best analogy is that I feel like I have the inertia of a locomotive (procrastination), but I don't have the strength (self-discipline/motivation/will-power) to get it (myself) moving.

Sorry to post such a negative...post. I know nobody likes them.

Oh man I know that feeling. The worst part is I had that WITHOUT the sub hahah. I'd say it's a sign of resistance for sure, because I remember when I came to the firm realization that playing games, watching movies/tvshows, game streamers and being care free depending on my parents for everything ISN'T the life I want to live and "wtf am I doing with my life?", what you describe is exactly how I felt. I knew I HAVE to change because this isn't what I want, but I was being bogged down all these limiting beliefs I had to actually take action; I'm probably not completely rid of them yet either. It's hard to work through those limiting beliefs man, I understand. For me it was mainly, fear of failure as well as fear of success, lack of self esteem, confidence, and one of the most important was, a lack of AWARENESS.

You should STICK with the program bro, I know it's hard and it's rough, but trust me things WILL get better if you stick with it. Think about this, you KNOW that's the right thing to do, what's beneficial for you. You also KNOW that if you do stop AM6, you'd only beat yourself up for it even more. I tried to escape the negativity, and all the s**t that was coming up through games and all kinds of crap; it's not the solution, these things will keep coming up until you DEAL with them. I wish I could tell you or give you a magic pill through this, but I can't because there really isn't; otherwise, I would've used it myself :p You've GOT to push through bro.

You say you work out, you know how the more resistance you have as weight, the harder it is to lift but the STRONGER you become. Treat this resistance the same exact way, because that is exactly what it is; a way for you to become STRONGER. The sub is trying to break through the resistance and aid you to become who you want to be, are you going to push through with the aid of the sub or are you going to succumb to the resistance, settle and live a life you don't want to live? So my friend, I invite you to think, become aware, accept and overcome. YOU'VE GOT THIS! Keep telling yourself you CAN do it.

Here is something that helped me through it : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-jwWYX7Jlo

[TangoDelta]

Thanks guys for the encouraging words!

A couple things, only recently, as in the past month, have I been looking at lifting weights differently. On Reddit I saw a post along the lines of

Instead of saying to yourself 'I have to workout today' say to yourself 'I'm going to get stronger today'

I like that and have been using that. I guess that can apply to the subliminals and anything else in life. Also, I did watch that video. It's good, it did motivate me. (Was that Denzel Washington narrating most of it?) However, also from Reddit, there is a sub-reddit about discipline - /r/getdisciplined
I have been reading through that and it really really resonates with me. Motivation doesn't last, but discipline can be summoned at any time, especially when motivation is gone. I like that, and I wish AM6 would instill some more discipline in me. Maybe it is, I sure hope so. I have all these goals that I'd like to accomplish, but I just don't have the drive to get out there and make the sacrifices (which really, the only sacrifice I'd have to make is less video game time) to achieve what I want.

With all that said, today has been the most productive day I've had for the past two weeks. I went to class, accomplished some things at work, lifted weights, stuck to my meal plan today, didn't buy Taco Bell, and did some homework. If I kept this up everyday, well then I'd reach my goals.

[TangoDelta]

Welp, I tried. I think I failed a class this semester and they will no longer let me continue in the engineering program. I don't really want to go back to Finance. And if I'm going to graduate college, I want an engineering degree. Since I also don't really know what I want to do for the rest of my life anyway, I'm looking at working in the oil fields/rigs for a couple years, then re-evaluate what I want to do LMAO.

[JJ54]

Why not get a degree in Mathematics? It can easily translate into the engineering fields, plus it won't be as rigorous as an engineering major. I've switched over to Mathematics from Engineering and have been happier since then. I'm down to my last 5 classes for college.

[TangoDelta]

Why not get a degree in Mathematics? It can easily translate into the engineering fields, plus it won't be as rigorous as an engineering major. I've switched over to Mathematics from Engineering and have been happier since then. I'm down to my last 5 classes for college.

For some reason I just want to have an engineering degree and the (practical/hands-on) knowledge that goes with it. Congratulations on only having 5 classes left, that's gotta feel awesome!


Oil rig jobs are proving to be quite difficult to get (not surprising though). My schooling is in terrible terrible shape. Really not sure what I'm going to do yet, but it's all going to fall in place within the next month and I'll figure it out.

Don't have much to report from Stage 5, started Stage 6 last night. I'm not sure what sub to do after this so I'll be asking around on the forum.

[TangoDelta]

Alright alright, I'm finally willing to admit again that these subliminals do in fact work...or at least have an effect. I'm about 2 weeks into Stage 6, and it has had some noticeable effects.

First, while at work, I found myself in a situation where I was arguing with a guy I had seen for the first time in my life. The topic and details are trivial, but I didn't realize it that I stood my ground and didn't back down. The old me would have just apologized and walked away red in the face, sweaty, heart beating fast, and defeated. But this time, I held my composure and didn't even give a second thought of backing down. In the end, it turned out to be a bad miscommunication and I saw that guy later in the day and we both apologized (aka, the story had happy ending). When I realized what had transpired, I was floored at how I conducted myself, I couldn't believe I did that...it was awesome. I don't know how it happened (probably the sub), but I'm just no longer afraid of confrontation.

Apart from my school and work life being in total flux, I do feel like I can still accomplish great things. I've started playing guitar more, reading, and in general, am more productive....aka less video games. I know everything will be alright and I can rely on myself much more that I used to be able to. When things get tough, I get tougher.

There seems to be a strong emphasis of 'leadership' going on with me too. I've noticed that in social situations (work, friends, bars, anywhere), I've been doing the leading. It's quite a radical change. Also, my dreams have been nothing but being the leader of armies, countries, people, animals, women...everything. It's quite empowering, which may explain why I'm no longer afraid of confrontation.

Also, the attention from women started to ramp up as well. However, my problem is that as of right now, I'm not entirely happy with myself (25 year old still in school, haven't accomplished anything, barely make any money...), so I don't feel like I deserve to be with a girl at the moment. But the funny thing is, because of this, I don't try to get with or impress girls, which makes me act 'cooler' around them and so they wind up liking me more. I know it sounds so damn stupid, but it's true, and I've turned down 4 different girls in the past month. Once I get my shit together, then I'll revisit this topic.

[ffaux]

Great update man. Thanks for coming back to share! The fact that you're comfortable with confrontation gives me a lot of hope that the subliminal can help me with that too.