02-01-2014, 10:01 AM
Alright, I think I've got some definitive proof that this sub is changing me.
We went out with a very small group of friends that we don't see very often. There was this pretty hot girl sitting at the bar with her friend. I just walked up, grabbed her drink and took a sip. The actual words that were said are unimportant; but she started talking to me, then turned, in her chair, towards me, and kept talking. (I honestly don't remember exactly what was said, I just remember the interaction) Then she started giving me some shit. I played it off so damn well, I was so proud of myself. I wasn't phased or hurt or offended or nothin'. It was awesome. Then some guy came up, I think it was her brother, and I started talking to him a bit, then returned to my friends. Maybe it's because I'm not trying to get laid that this is all going so well. I'm honestly just trying to work on my social skills.
There was this other girl who's brother was in my grade in high school and she was a year younger than us I think. I talked to her for a very brief moment, gave her little tease, then walked away. Later on, on our way out of the bar, I saw her again and I said something and she said "Don't walk away." So I walked away and went to the next bar lol. I really feel like I've let go of the neediness. I'm just living in the moment and enjoying myself.
(Guess I'll just make this one long journal while I'm at it)
Wasn't going to write about this, but while I'm on the subject of girls, I'll just throw it in.
This happened earlier that day while I was at work. I check on the computer kiosks all around our campus (for my job) and I had to take the bus to the satellite dorms. On my way back, I step off the bus and there was this super hot brunette. She looked beautiful and youthful is the best way I can say it. I step off and make eye contact with her. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but maybe I caught her by surprise. She looked quite flustered, then I'm pretty sure she did a body scan of me. She looked down and right back up at my eyes. If she really was scanning me, I've never had that happen before. It sucks that it all happened so fast. I should have said something at least. If I see her again, I'm going to. I don't know what, but I'm gonna say something.
I think I really have noticed more looks from girls. The only reason I would hesitate to say that though is because it's something I'm expecting, so maybe it's just in my head. That's what I thought at first. Because when I'm sittin' down at a table or a computer or anywhere, I naturally look at a person when they walk by. I know for sure everyone else does that too. Working at the computer help desk, we have to do our "rounds" in the library, and people always look at you. So that's why I really wasn't convinced that I was getting more looks from girls. But now I can see that I truly am.
Stage two starts tomorrow; I'm looking forward to that. I usually don't like to change things or move up the ladder until I feel ready. And I feel like I'm ready for the next step in becoming alpha. Things I've noticed that have changed:
--I'm very much more appreciative of everything I have - friends (the big one), job, family - I can't explain it. I'm so thankful for it all, sometimes I feel like I could cry. It's overwhelming.
--Coming off of that, I'm much more happy with myself.
--Procrastination has been significantly reduced (yesterday I didn't workout, have to make that up today)
--More comfortable in social situations and/or being alone
--Body language has much improved
--Negative self-talk has been reduced by at least 90%.
--Bad thoughts have also been significantly reduced (And by that I mean picturing my ex-girlfriend whom I live with gettin' nailed by her current and new boyfriend.)
On that subject, I still see her around the house, but not often. I hear her all the time though. When I see her now, I'm not sad/mad/frustrated. I feel almost no connection to her anymore. Time heals the wounds, but I think this sub helped with that too. The only thing I think that would really get to me would be if I heard her having sex. That would be a knife in the chest, I'm pretty sure. I should get some noise canceling headphones in case that every happens lol. My dilemma is, that I don't want to hear that, but I don't think she would care if she heard me having sex with a girl. But, unless she agrees that she won't bring her boyfriend to the house (he lives on the other side of the country -_-) and I can bring girls over, that would be fine. I just don't want to be a hypocrite, like she is. Whatever, it's not important, enough about that. In summary, I feel very disconnected and free from her.
The one thing I really wish I could change would be on the subject of sleeping. Every morning, I "wake up" and feel like I was hit by a train. My eyes are so darn heavy, and I feel like a log. I wish I could wake up and instantly feel refreshed and ready to take on the day. I don't think the sub is the root cause, but it is contributing. It seriously takes me more effort to get out of bed at 7am than it does to workout and lift weights for an hour. My life would be so much better if every morning wasn't an internal WWIII to either risk it and be late for work, or sleep for an extra 20 minutes and not eat breakfast. I don't know how to fix it or find the discipline to just get out of bed. I've said to myself, just do it; don't even think. But no, it's not possible for me. It's ridiculous.
We went out with a very small group of friends that we don't see very often. There was this pretty hot girl sitting at the bar with her friend. I just walked up, grabbed her drink and took a sip. The actual words that were said are unimportant; but she started talking to me, then turned, in her chair, towards me, and kept talking. (I honestly don't remember exactly what was said, I just remember the interaction) Then she started giving me some shit. I played it off so damn well, I was so proud of myself. I wasn't phased or hurt or offended or nothin'. It was awesome. Then some guy came up, I think it was her brother, and I started talking to him a bit, then returned to my friends. Maybe it's because I'm not trying to get laid that this is all going so well. I'm honestly just trying to work on my social skills.
There was this other girl who's brother was in my grade in high school and she was a year younger than us I think. I talked to her for a very brief moment, gave her little tease, then walked away. Later on, on our way out of the bar, I saw her again and I said something and she said "Don't walk away." So I walked away and went to the next bar lol. I really feel like I've let go of the neediness. I'm just living in the moment and enjoying myself.
(Guess I'll just make this one long journal while I'm at it)
Wasn't going to write about this, but while I'm on the subject of girls, I'll just throw it in.
This happened earlier that day while I was at work. I check on the computer kiosks all around our campus (for my job) and I had to take the bus to the satellite dorms. On my way back, I step off the bus and there was this super hot brunette. She looked beautiful and youthful is the best way I can say it. I step off and make eye contact with her. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but maybe I caught her by surprise. She looked quite flustered, then I'm pretty sure she did a body scan of me. She looked down and right back up at my eyes. If she really was scanning me, I've never had that happen before. It sucks that it all happened so fast. I should have said something at least. If I see her again, I'm going to. I don't know what, but I'm gonna say something.
I think I really have noticed more looks from girls. The only reason I would hesitate to say that though is because it's something I'm expecting, so maybe it's just in my head. That's what I thought at first. Because when I'm sittin' down at a table or a computer or anywhere, I naturally look at a person when they walk by. I know for sure everyone else does that too. Working at the computer help desk, we have to do our "rounds" in the library, and people always look at you. So that's why I really wasn't convinced that I was getting more looks from girls. But now I can see that I truly am.
Stage two starts tomorrow; I'm looking forward to that. I usually don't like to change things or move up the ladder until I feel ready. And I feel like I'm ready for the next step in becoming alpha. Things I've noticed that have changed:
--I'm very much more appreciative of everything I have - friends (the big one), job, family - I can't explain it. I'm so thankful for it all, sometimes I feel like I could cry. It's overwhelming.
--Coming off of that, I'm much more happy with myself.
--Procrastination has been significantly reduced (yesterday I didn't workout, have to make that up today)
--More comfortable in social situations and/or being alone
--Body language has much improved
--Negative self-talk has been reduced by at least 90%.
--Bad thoughts have also been significantly reduced (And by that I mean picturing my ex-girlfriend whom I live with gettin' nailed by her current and new boyfriend.)
On that subject, I still see her around the house, but not often. I hear her all the time though. When I see her now, I'm not sad/mad/frustrated. I feel almost no connection to her anymore. Time heals the wounds, but I think this sub helped with that too. The only thing I think that would really get to me would be if I heard her having sex. That would be a knife in the chest, I'm pretty sure. I should get some noise canceling headphones in case that every happens lol. My dilemma is, that I don't want to hear that, but I don't think she would care if she heard me having sex with a girl. But, unless she agrees that she won't bring her boyfriend to the house (he lives on the other side of the country -_-) and I can bring girls over, that would be fine. I just don't want to be a hypocrite, like she is. Whatever, it's not important, enough about that. In summary, I feel very disconnected and free from her.
The one thing I really wish I could change would be on the subject of sleeping. Every morning, I "wake up" and feel like I was hit by a train. My eyes are so darn heavy, and I feel like a log. I wish I could wake up and instantly feel refreshed and ready to take on the day. I don't think the sub is the root cause, but it is contributing. It seriously takes me more effort to get out of bed at 7am than it does to workout and lift weights for an hour. My life would be so much better if every morning wasn't an internal WWIII to either risk it and be late for work, or sleep for an extra 20 minutes and not eat breakfast. I don't know how to fix it or find the discipline to just get out of bed. I've said to myself, just do it; don't even think. But no, it's not possible for me. It's ridiculous.
