Darwin 2014 - The Alpha Year

[Darwinn]

Well say 31 stage 1

I'll do an extra day for missing one night after i collapsed asleep after a late night gym session.

Far from being more aggressive or blunt, and having violent dreams - I'm being really nice to people, and having dreams which can only be described as beautiful. not that i'm taking crap from anyone, far from it - i just become cool, polite and unassuming when theres no need to be firm. noticed this with a coffee shop worker who is always abit rude and standoffish, normally it annoys me but i really didn't care today at all.

[Darwinn]

Stage 2 Day 2

Here goes the next stage - not noticed much from stage 2, apart from being a little shakey confidence wise.

Stage 1 dealt with a lot of issues - Comparatively I was much more solid, handling work better, andling disappointments better and even switching it up and starting to enjoy life. I can't say what it is but i imagine a big part of that is the ogsf - Fear Shame and Guilt, characterized almost everything i did, now it's getting better, things go wrong and i don't kill myself and my self worth over them, this saved alot in mental energy which i can devote to more useful things.

I realised I have been walking slower and talking slower. A friend said to me the other day that he could see me as being the alpha of a group of people he was hangoing out with in another country out of nowhere!, I've had other close friends begin responding to me differently, they're not telling me what to do and giving me advice - it's the other way around. old friends are calling me up and messaging me, I'm very 'don't give a shit' about my social interactions like having people be rude to me or just unpleasant or judgemental, my response is that it's their problem and they're genuinely not worth my time.

In terms of mood, it's been very up and down. At times i'm just pissed off, others i'm depressed or neutral. I do however have a new found ability to enjoy the simple things which i never had before, and generally keep myself entertained. every now and then i get a real burst of motivation at work or generally about life but it doesn't stick - i'm hoping the next stage will help with that..

Physically i have really low energy, i'm just really tired alot.

In all it's a far cry from where I was. It's alot of small subtle interactions which reveal the effect, going out socialising without being afraid, something going wrong at work and not freaking out, even small moments where I am afraid, or unhappy but able to understand the emotion and work with it, accepting that it's right in that situation to be afraid/unhappy..

I've been thinking alot about what it is to be an alpha. and I suppose, to me it's just about freedom to live on my terms, to not be at the mercy of my emotions, lower inclinations, other peoples b.s or mine. I kind of think that you can only really actually live a life once you handle these things, until you're just blown all over the place by circumstance.
11
Anyway if i notice anything from my second day, it's a real desire to not listen to the subs!

that's me done for the day

[InTheZone]

Awesome update Darwin, thanks for sharing!

[Darwinn]

Already day 12 of stage 2. I missed a night over the weekend and lost my headphones so less exposure during the day.

Anyway here is what I notice.
I suddenly get overpowered with sexual energy every now and then and don't know what to do with it. My voice is deeper, I'm not so friendly any more - I used to be mr likeable doofus, now I'm just calm and slow talking. I cut off from entertaining people.

I got depressed yesterday mainly because I was making mistakes and I suck at my job. But I'm not giving myself too hard a time about it.

I really am drawn to femininity right now. I love being around women, I don't know that I see or feel it being reciprocated but sometimes I find myself surrounded by them, hugging me, leaning on me or just wanting to hold my hand - it's really strange.

Oh - and I'm fricken tired. Anyone noticing any of these things?

[Benjamin]

Sounds pretty awesome man.

Especially the part about being cut off from entertaining people. I know what you mean exactly as I learnt at school being stupid and funny got me attention where I didn't before. So I see that as an important shift for you as i've been there myself.

-Ben

[Darwinn]

Day 16 stage 2

Thanks Ben!

What's happening to me now I do t know. Part of me is worried am6 is having the opposite effect on me and making me more feminine!!

I'm feeling really in touch with my emotions. The other day I felt a happy bliss which was like unconditional love for everyone and myself, it was intense and rich - I was walking through a cold rainy night after commuting on the train home yet everything seemed bright and fresh.



It was followed after by a loneliness and sadness - but it seemed more like a comedown rather than being related to any particular thought. I look at women with huge amounts of respect, I love their femininity and being around them somehow makes me feel healed, it's not sexual at all! It's like I feel what they feel.

I wonder if this is the result of me having locked away my emotions so long and having numbed myself and now it's all just coming up.

I'm noticing people aren't so interested In talking to me, I'm boring to them. Personally I don't care. I'm in my own quiet contented world whenever I want to be so I don't need anyone. That's not to say there isn't dissatisfaction - I feel that in spades, mainly because I'm not following the values I hold dearest and not meeting my potential - which is a good thing.

For one think, I'm sick of being unhealthy and over weight, I need to get myself an exercise regimen and stick to it. One that's suited to guys like me who don't work out too often but are committed to change.

I'm also sick of being broke and irresponsible. I have zero savings a job suited for people 6-7 years younger to me, and no prospects to
Speak of, I don't see myself being worthy of promotion anytime soon that's for sure.

[Darwinn]

Day 19 stage 2

Just feeling wiped. So tired I barely feel like moving.

Going on holiday tomorrow. Just me in a new city for a couple of days wandering around alone. Headphones my subs and a few books.

Work is going terribly. At least I think it is. Everyone seems to be acting quite nice with me, however I know I'm really behind on my work. This makes me suspicious that they're going to fire me or something - probably just being paranoid.

Mostly right now I just want to be alone. To veg out in a room on my own. Sleep and read.

[JackOfHearts]

My boss wanted and still want I think to fire me when I was in the first stage of AM5: stage 2 I think. Maybe it was AM5 who started the fire I don't know but the fact I reacted differently might be the case.
Now everything calm down but it was very tough but I still think it's not directly AM5 that did that (naturalizer???).

Good luck with AM6.

[Darwinn]

A reminder just went off on my phone telling me today i begin stage 3.

as I've missed a day I'll begin stage 3 in 2 days.

I really don't know what to make of stage 2 - I don't know what it was getting me to do. I have felt waves of self love and contentment, along with misery and fatigue, anger depression and laziness.

there have been moments when i've felt supremely independent, and others remarkably needy.

at very least i don't feel a huge desire for peoples approval. love and connection maybe - but approval no.

Stage 3 is apparently the 'big guns', I hope it's abit more coherant as stage 2 has been a huge rollercoaster.

Today I'm beginning a 6-week programme of fitness, rebooting my diet and gym routine. I'm working for a new team where, frankly, everyone is alot better than me at their jobs so i'm being pushed to rise to the challenge. i don't particularly see it going well - and i need to plan an exit strategy because frankly i don't see myself working for anyone else long term either.

[TangoDelta]

Stage 2 seems to have been tough for all of us.

[Darwinn]

So begins stage 3
Stage 2 as I've said has been a roller coaster. I notice a few things which I did which might have contributed to a mixed bag of results, namely getting way too drunk at times. I'm off alcohol for a while now and am trialling other - more personal - means of self denial which should enrich mylife.

[Darwinn]

Stage 3 day...5?

Ok I'm losing track a little on this beast of a project that is AM6.

today for what feels like the first time in a while i have some sense of boundary and self worth back. i'm able to draw the distinction between what is my concern and what is not - i feel like in the last two weeks i completely lost this. I was stressing alot again about what other people were thinking about me and about being slow. I'm dyslexic and have adhd (according to the docs) and going into meetings leaves me compmletely zombi-terrified. I can't piece together information and link it to what i know and i doubt myself so much because of this that i end up stuttering and stimbling in whati'm trying to day.

basically i'm a little dumb i guess - but who gives a shit.

now i'm just doing what i can and getting on with my life(until the next breakdown)

[Darwinn]

wtf - nothing is happening to me but frustrations - i'm procrastinating like a total mf, people are fighting with me, arguing with me or patronising m.

I feel like a total loser.

I just got done watching this RSD freetour video where the main guy talks about how it's almost impossible to find yourself, your strengths and live a strong productive life after 30 if you haven't been killing it in your 20s, for young guys who have done that that's cool but i'm knocking on 30 now and my 20's have been an empty waste!

It's so damn hard to change. I'm overweight, my job is going nowhere, i have goals but building up momentum to reaching them always gets thrown off by doubts. right now it feels like the journey is just too long and impossible.

sorry for sounding so ridiculously negative - i just don't know what steps to take next to get to the next stage.

[Zyv]

Hi Darwin,
I understand your situation, because mine is similar.
But don't give up and be patient, the real results will manifest sooner or later.
And if you feel depressed, you can count with us, all of the guys that are here (you and me included) have a reason to be: IMPROVEMENT.

Don't give up!