Darwin 2014 - The Alpha Year

[Darwinn]

Also these subs seem to keep me awake - i don't know what it is. I've been trying to use sleep shuttle which i downloaded ages ago but it's not helping.

I'm going to try with Insomnia Aid (assuming it's better) and try just putting it on and going to bed early, like 21:30pm, on my headphones in a playlist with AM6 after - then have another phone which connects to a bluetooth speaker which will be playing AM6 in the background if the headphones fall out.

[Fonzy3]

I find that trickling stream is the best for putting me to sleep. A lot of resistance releasing can cause drowsiness.

Thanks

Fonzy

[Darwinn]

Stage 1 Day 13.

The depression continues. Feeling angry as hell, against senior people at work, people who've looked down on me all my life, slighted me or laughed at me. I'm trying to get work done but some how don't do anything, I'm just stuck right now. Most of all I'm pissed off with the stuckness, not so much at myself which is a good thing but with this wall that keeps getting in the way.

Somehow keep having violent thoughts. They're not something I would ever act on of course, like the other day some guy kind of pushed me to one side when I was on the metro and I almost lost it!

I didn't think that this sort of thing would come up yet - maybe in later stages or something but not just on hitting my second week of the first stage.

I don't even feel capable of tapping on this.

Anyway I've invested in some new hardware, a set of good speakers to put on both sides of my bed so I get (hopefully) better exposure to subs when I go to bed. I'm also trying out a beanie hat with speakers to wear in bed, might do better than wearing headphones.

[Darwinn]

Stage 1 Day 14

I've been procrastinating like a mf - Sunday night and I'm sitting at my desk with work i need to finish for tomorrow, how many times I have been here. ARGH!!!

Anyway - patience, patience my friends. Rome wasn't built in a day and I know I'm not going to change a life time of bad habits in 2 weeks.

On the plus side - I have things alot more organised, I'm getting the conditions for success at least in place, I have a good room space, with enough privacy so I can do affirmations and yoga in the morning, and much better speakers on the way to take care of my worry that i'm not getting proper exposure.

Tomorrow will be day 15, half way through stage 1. I don't see that I'm having the dreams that everyone else is having -right now but i'm not letting that phase me.

[Benjamin]

Hey Darwin,
Thought i'd post something as i've been through both Alpha 2011 and 5.0 and been through that anger phase.

In 2011 it was very pronounced.. the amount of anger coming up was alot. A few times doing security I just wanted to destroy somebody.. but I was able to control it. The thing is, this is an important part of it, you're getting pissed off at these people because they are trying to control or manipulate you or have bad intentions. It may have been that it even upset you in the past but you pretended it didn't.. this anger is part of making you stand up for yourself and become more assertive. By the end it will smooth out.

You're pissed off at these people who were looking down on you.. because that is the start of getting you to stand up for yourself. By the end of the program I had alot of respect from the guys I worked with cos I started talking crap back to them.. one guy who I didn't like much I started to give the crap back to and now i'm actually friends with him.. turns out he does it to everyone and alot of it is how he bonds with people. When I got comfortable with that and giving it back things shifted.

I did some EFT stuff during it, but i'm not sure it was the best idea. I may have dis-railed some of the stuff the program was trying to do. I still got great results, but a few times I felt like I tapped something and it mixed things up that program was trying to do.

Hope that helps, there's nothing wrong with you, it's part of the process. Just realize you don't need to act on those violent thoughts. Instead use this anger to be more assertive, stand up for yourself in ways that you couldn't before and finally say "no" to these idiots giving you a hard time.

This stuff is mostly the first and second stage in my experience. I can't speak for Alpha 6 but sounds like it's similar in this case.

[Darwinn]

Stage 1 Day 18

God it's been a rollercoaster. Alot is coming up, fear, neediness, grief. Things are generally not great, and I was almost not going to post anything since it seems that it's all pretty negative at the moment. I'm being forced to look at reality head on, who i am, where i am, what i am doing and my limitations and it hurts!.

i'm centred though - the pain isn't making me do more stupid things, I'm learning to own it, own my failures and flaws and take responsibility for my life. Don't like it but it's the best thing to do for me now.

[Psiklou]

Stage 1 Day 18

God it's been a rollercoaster. Alot is coming up, fear, neediness, grief. Things are generally not great, and I was almost not going to post anything since it seems that it's all pretty negative at the moment. I'm being forced to look at reality head on, who i am, where i am, what i am doing and my limitations and it hurts!.

i'm centred though - the pain isn't making me do more stupid things, I'm learning to own it, own my failures and flaws and take responsibility for my life. Don't like it but it's the best thing to do for me now.

I am in day 8 stage 1 but I live the same crap and huge desire to procrastinate!

[Darwinn]

I think somehow the pain i was feeling yesterday got cleared out and things are better today. I'm sure dreams are there, as I wake i know i'm coming out of a dream but I can't remember it soon after so not much comment there.

I don't know if anyone else notices this but sometimes as i'm listening my heart just starts beating faster, can this be down to the subs, or do i just need to go to the gym more?

Went out to dinner with a few girl-friends and noticed i wasn't needy of approval or trying to entertain them, i was more centred and comfortable in my own skin, and i think they sensed it too.

[Fonzy3]

I think somehow the pain i was feeling yesterday got cleared out and things are better today. I'm sure dreams are there, as I wake i know i'm coming out of a dream but I can't remember it soon after so not much comment there.

I don't know if anyone else notices this but sometimes as i'm listening my heart just starts beating faster, can this be down to the subs, or do i just need to go to the gym more?

Went out to dinner with a few girl-friends and noticed i wasn't needy of approval or trying to entertain them, i was more centred and comfortable in my own skin, and i think they sensed it too.

That is an issue an you should probably get that checked out by a doctor, high cholesterol is usually the cause of that. Exercising will help.

About your girlfriends, in this contemporary world that is the most important factor of having women attracted to you. If you're easy to get, you're easy to forget.

Thanks

Fonzy

[Darwinn]

Day 21 Stage 1.

I'm noticing some effects more. Lack of approval seeking is big, desire to be alone is also mounting up.

What's weird is that people keep contacting me right now, just to talk, to ask if I want to hang out, if it's a girl they will always tell me that they miss me. Is this friends manifestation?

I'm feeling emotionally strange at work, like calm but excited, and people are irritating me. Went to a restaurant the other day and the staff were really annoying with their incompetence, then one of them saw me and started serving me especially so I calmed down - felt like a dick after but hey

[Darwinn]

Day 22 stage 1

Just feeling weak and sleepy all the time, last night I slept nearly 11 hrs, went to work, was dead by 6pm and falling asleep. My muscles feel like there is no energy, I read somewhere that this might be a sign that big changes are happening in the subconscious?

If changes are there they're super subtle - or so naturalised that I can't notice.

Starting gym today for the first time in like years, have a trainer who is going to tear me a new one by all accounts - well let's see how this goes for an overweight guy who never exercises

[Darwinn]

Been gym twice and it feels good, have a trainer which helps - it's made me reevaluate how I eat and live, and I notice that when I said to myself stop eating x or y, I just stopped, and have been sticking to it this week. Let's see if it continues.

My self criticism is disappearing, I have been socialising a fair bit even though I don't really want to, and I can't be bothered with getting angry at myself for not being the life of the party, or making people laugh or being witty. It's a much more grounded place to be. Without these fears (for now) I'm starting to carve out my own identity - which I was averse to before because of beliefs I had about the ego and it being destructive.

I'm pleased that I'm focussing realistically on work more, not trying to move mountains so I can impress my boss, but just getting on with it.

[Darwinn]

Wow.


Every now and then I get a taste of what life could be, being independent, strong, free of so much bullshit which dominates every interaction and experience. There is so much enjoyment and richness to be experienced even in the smallest things.

It's day 28 of stage 1. Outside the world hasn't changed for me. Inside something is shifting. For one thing I'm not suffering from depression. I get depressed, but I don't suffer, I know it's not permenant any more than the pain from stubbing your toe is or catching a cold.

I'm able to socialise with people without anxiety, I went out with a group of people the other day and I normally just try and win approval, over acting etc. there was no chemistry between me and this group so I just thought, you know what, that's ok, they're not my kind of people where as before I would have thought it was something wrong with me and try to overcompensate by acting the clown.



Work is shit, I'm still feeling undisciplined, and have low energy, I'm looking forward to stage 2 which I hope will make me more resolute about not accepting rationalisations from myself.

[jonathan4all]

wao awesome progress