DMSI journal

[StridingStrider]

Day 5 of DMSI 3.3.1

8 loops ultrasonically overnight. I woke up with a bit of a sore throat, and my left ear hurting. Emotionally I woke up completely shot, almost dead inside, with a feeling of pointlessness.

This feels along the lines of how I used to feel years ago in my depths. It is not useful for living a life that can be called functional. I thought I was done with it.

I can maybe give this another week or so for the FRM to kick in and start doing something with these emotions rather than just dredging them up, but at some point, if listening to 8 loops of DMSI means waking up this emotionally dead, for my own emotional preservation I'm going to split the loops.

Frame it differently. 'Wow, my subconcious is really fighting this FRM thing' 'I'm so glad DMSI is really trying to execute' 'I'm making a lot of progress'.

[whome]

Seriously, this shouldn't even be possible at this point.

When I said that I was a tough nut to crack I wasn't kidding. In regard to my trauma that I've written about, I have tried a lot of healing modalities, with little success, and have had multiple paid professionals get angry at me because of how little effect their modalities were having.

So, yeah. This shouldn't be possible but welcome to me. Sigh. I've read what you've written about your desire to make the FRM easy and painless and I believe in you. I hope to soon see the FRM train smoothly pull into the @whome station.

Frame it differently. 'Wow, my subconcious is really fighting this FRM thing'

Sure, but the net effect is the same. When I wake up at 9am and finally manage to drag myself to work at 11am, that is a problem. And even though it may well be my subconscious's doing, at some point I will have to relent.

[Edit: To be clear, showing up at 11am isn't a problem, per se. I have a lot of flexibility in my hours, so I'm not in trouble for having done so. Still, that's not something that I want to rely on.]

---

Thank you both for following my journal. I very much appreciate your concern, and I'm feeling better having read your replies.

Hugs.

[Shannon]

That anger they felt, it's just frustration because they didn't know how to make their goals happen.

It's just a matter of tinkering with it long enough to tease the answer out through deductive reasoning and observation.

It's like trying to defuse a bomb I can't see, with someone else's hands, where there is a language barrier, and touching the bomb will set it off. I keep making progress, but there's always something else in the way.

Frustrating, to be sure. There's something I am missing, something I haven't figured out yet, something I don't yet understand that holds me back. But it's just a matter of time, and if I didn't know that for an absolute fact, I'd have stopped trying years ago.

It's going to happen in 2019. Hopefully sooner than later. I see a major breakthrough happening around April, and another around October.

[whome]

Frustrating, to be sure. There's something I am missing, something I haven't figured out yet, something I don't yet understand that holds me back. But it's just a matter of time, and if I didn't know that for an absolute fact, I'd have stopped trying years ago.

I'm always willing to lend a hand if there's anything I can do to help.

[Shannon]

Frustrating, to be sure. There's something I am missing, something I haven't figured out yet, something I don't yet understand that holds me back. But it's just a matter of time, and if I didn't know that for an absolute fact, I'd have stopped trying years ago.

I'm always willing to lend a hand if there's anything I can do to help.

All I can ask is, unless otherwise instructed, use the program according to the instructions given on the description page. Report anything and everything that you notice. And don't run away.

[whome]

For now I'll keep with the 8 ultrasonic loops overnight. I have two more days of that (days 6 and 7) and then I have the three day break. We'll see how things change.

[whome]

Day 6

This morning I had a meeting earlier in the morning than I usually do so I set an alarm. Since I wanted to get the 8 loops in before the alarm, I started the loops about an hour before I went to bed, then went to bed while they were still playing.

After listening to the sub for the hour I felt emotionally shot at that point and couldn't fall asleep. I tried to fall asleep for a few more hours and failed, and probably got about 5 hours of sleep. I woke up, and started my day but when I looked at my phone, I saw on my lockscreen a notification that the meeting had been cancelled. So I closed my eyes and passed out for another hour.

It also somewhat feels like I might coming down with something. It's hard to distinguish the different feelings of being unwell.

One more night of this and I get to take a break.

[whome]

Day 7 (of DMSI 3.3.1)

Yesterday I went to my energy healer and mentioned the poor sleep and the subconscious resistance, as it's been the biggest thing in my life recently. He asked me if I'd sent an intention for my subconscious to allow in the change, and that's what we did. I said things like "I allow my subconscious to let change happen" and did the moving of energy in the way he does.

And it helped a little bit. Last night I didn't quite feel so bad while falling asleep, though it still took hours to fall asleep, I still felt sad, and I still didn't sleep well. (That last bit might be the radiator heat being turned way up in my building due to the cold.)

I don't know if that was breaking the rules. All I know is that given my experiences with 3.3.1, I'd be making some kind of break anyway just to make things stop.

In any case, up come three days of break.

[whome]

So in post 67 a few days ago, I talked about desirability and the realizations of that from my somatic work.

So I did some more somatic work today, and had a deeper realization: I'm totally scared of people.

It feels super old, from a super young part of me, but I realized during the work that a very young part of me is terrified that people are going to hurt me. Not in some deep psychological sense of "being hurt", but in a very real, 6-year-old-me sense of wanting to be happy and someone straight up causing me physical and emotional pain.

It's not very surprising that my subconscious sees a push to connect to people, and in particular, being open enough to have women want me, as a threat.

[whome]

A break day.

Slept a bit better last night, although I think I'm coming down with a cold. Temperature outside probably isn't helping.

Yay, LTU. There's maybe 10% of me that finds the idea of switching to be interesting; maybe the ideas behind LTU are less threatening to my subconscious and maybe I'll rebel less. 20% of me is interested in staying with DMSI; maybe experiencing women who desire me will be healing. And about 70% of me is just too tired to care, believing that it's probably the case that I'm so jammed up in resistance that it doesn't matter what I do, as it's just going to be a grind through pain with little to show for it.

USLM3 hasn't left much of a mark on me since I'm off to replace my laptop's battery for the third time. Maybe this battery that I purchased will work correctly. USLMers, wish me luck.

[Shadow2200]

A break day.

Slept a bit better last night, although I think I'm coming down with a cold. Temperature outside probably isn't helping.

Yay, LTU. There's maybe 10% of me that finds the idea of switching to be interesting; maybe the ideas behind LTU are less threatening to my subconscious and maybe I'll rebel less. 20% of me is interested in staying with DMSI; maybe experiencing women who desire me will be healing. And about 70% of me is just too tired to care, believing that it's probably the case that I'm so jammed up in resistance that it doesn't matter what I do, as it's just going to be a grind through pain with little to show for it.

USLM3 hasn't left much of a mark on me since I'm off to replace my laptop's battery for the third time. Maybe this battery that I purchased will work correctly. USLMers, wish me luck.

Stnick it out with dmsi

[whome]

It's not like I'm going to switch, but still I'm feeling unsettled.

First, I'm coming down with a cold; last night I slept and my sinuses got inflamed. I didn't sleep terribly well, but the bummer is that this is a DMSI off-day, and even with a cold I still slept better than I did on DMSI.

Second, I'm reading the posts on this board and they hurt.

I know that I'm pretty knotted up inside. I'm older than 40, and have had basically one real relationship, maybe 4 years ago, that lasted a few months and that I had to end because she was in worse emotional shape than me and I could feel her pulling me down. I told myself that rather than trying to get a relationship, to focus on healing because obviously something was broken inside of me in a way that was preventing it.

I did lots and lots of healing modalities, with little result. Along the way I did months and months of E1, and then months and months of E2 and noticed nothing. No changes, no healing. I gave up on subliminals and IML because nothing happened.

I started DMSI because of the absurdity and the fantasy wish fulfillment feel to it. Who wouldn't want women to approach you and try to make sex happen with you? So I got DMSI 3.2. It had some vague effect of feeling something that told me that something was happening. But I'm still broken in some way that this isn't working.

FRM showed up in USLM. So I switched to USLM to see if the FRM would do something. It kinda helped in reducing the emotional pain but I didn't see any effects. So when FRM came back to DMSI in 3.3, I hopped back there. Having the goal be for women to want to jump me outweighed a goal of being successful. (I already consider myself pretty successful.)

DMSI at 3.3 and 3.3.1 haven't executed. 3.3 had the same rumbles of feelings to let me know that something was going on, and 3.3.1 has my subconscious crushing me in prevention of running it.

The primary goal of DMSI is to cause yourself to become irresistibly sexually attractive, and have others try to get in your pants as a result.

The primary goal of E3 is to give you deep, powerful emotional healing and clearing that makes you healthier emotionally.

The primary goal of LTU is to make your life as much better as possible in as many directions as possible, in the shortest amount of time possible, all at once.

This hurts to read. (!!! To be clear, I am not blaming Shannon or anyone else for causing me pain. I'm aware that all of my emotional issues are mine and while they may be triggered by others' actions, I am not blaming others for their actions. !!!)

I hear a voice of shame in me: How can you value women getting into your pants over healing? Another voice: Your subconscious is so terrified of having friends and lovers that it is killing you trying to execute DMSI. How about switching to something more healing?

Yet I'm aware that I've used "I need to heal" in the past as an excuse to hate myself as being broken. And who's to know if LTU, which has the same FRM as DMSI 3.3.1, will even execute if DMSI isn't?

I don't know what the point of my post is, here. It feels kinda shitty to see all these options that aren't working for me, and to see others have success. Sigh.

Maybe I just need a hug.

[whome]

Day 11 (of DMSI 3.3.1)

Back on DMSI. It took about two hours to fall asleep last night, although it's hard to tell if it's DMSI, or the warmth in the apartment from the radiators, or the cold that I have, or the grinding thoughts in my mind about everything I had to do this morning. On the other hand, with DMSI the previous cycle, I also had problems falling asleep, so maybe it is.

I slept OK, far more settled than I did last time, but still had problems waking up and still full of grief. I'm not really feeling with-it today, though again that might be the cold that I have.

Otherwise, nothing else. If I get attention from women, I'll note it, so otherwise I'll not mention it and it's safe to assume that I didn't.

[whome]

Fuuuuuuck.

I thought the cold would be just sinus inflammation and sniffles over the weekend, but a serious shiver is taking me out to the point where I'm cancelling all of tomorrow, going to bed early, and sleeping in.

So, A, fuuuuck, I have to cancel the last appointment with my somatic healer who is disappearing for a few months, and

B, fuuuuck, this is now a problem with DMSI.

Over the weekend was my three days off. Now I'm back on, and I know that my subconscious reacts very poorly to DMSI. So:

1. Do I listen to DMSI, keep ASRB2, but add the stress of a rebelling subconscious while I'm sick, or
2. Do I stop listening to DMSI, and focus on getting better?

Fuuuuuck.