DMSI journal

[whome]

Why does your subconscious think you deserve to suffer?

(BTW I'm trying my best to put myself into words; apologies if it's confusing or doesn't quite make sense.)

"Suffering" and "deserving to suffer" seem to me to be different.

I don't current see my subconscious as thinking I deserve to suffer. I see my subconscious causing my suffering, the pain in my chest and my overwhelming sad emotions as a way of showing its displeasure and fighting back.

As for the "I deserve to suffer" bit, it seems more less-conscious than subconscious (I'm not sure where to draw the line). The kids at school were mean, my family was mean, and the pain in my chest came up, and the suffering began. Eventually my mind tried to make sense of their actions, and it said "you're ugly" and "you'll never have friends" and "girls don't like you", and that would cause even more pain and self-reinforcing of the pain.

But the pain itself would need explaining, so my mind would say about the pain, "well, that's the harsh reality", and I would wallow in the pain every time it came up. That's the deservedness, me surrendering to the pain as it was too difficult to fight.

That's what I'm trying to extricate myself from. If the pain is coming from something like indulging my thinking of "I'm ugly", I'm doing my best to stop thinking that so it doesn't hurt. But this pain apparently also is a tool from my subconscious fighting back, and when it comes up, it starts self-reinforcing with thoughts and pulling me down with a force I can't fight. And then I start hearing my young voice in my head that I "deserve" this pain, which only makes it worse.

So that's why, when I feel pain, and I hear myself say that I "deserve it", I've started to back out and shut off whatever is the root trigger of the pain.