DMSI journal

[whome]

Day 24

At this point it feels like a check-in. I'm still listening to DMSI for five loops a day on the five-on-two-off schedule. My sleep remains okish except for the days in which I do somatic healing work in which I sleep poorly. No notable dreams, no notable effects externally.

I am still experiencing the relaxation in my throat that leads to a deeper and more resonant voice. That's still going well.

Otherwise I'll keep listening to it and post here every so often, or sooner if there's something to note.

[whome]

Day 26

Yesterday I had a day of somatic healing work, and I actually slept OK! Not well, since I'm still lightly sleeping (unsure if the sleep issue is DMSI), but this is definitely a step up.

I'm having a light disagreement over email with a colleague at work, and I'm not getting the clenching pain in my chest like I imagine I would otherwise.

This is feeling like things are chugging along.

[whome]

Day 30

Checking in.

The days of the somatic healing work aren't disturbing my sleep any more, which is good. I'm not super awake, but I'll take the sleep I'm getting.

I'm still not seeing any external effects, and I'm OK with that. My dreams are still about living in a space that is under attack/not mine; last night was about hiding some important documents from an authority figure. I'm aware of the implicit meaning here, but this isn't changing as I've had these types of dreams for years. If I had a wish it would be more sexy-time dreams, but they're quite uncommon.

The somatic work continues. Just lying on the floor on a mat and looking at the ceiling and getting into my body provokes sadness and fear and terror. When, in the work, there is sexually-tinged contact (it goes no further than contact, applied for therapeutic purposes), I feel a mixture of sexual arousal, terror, and deep deep grief. My eyes well up with tears. It's kinda not surprising to me that there are no visible effects of DMSI if sexuality is that tied up with terror for me.

So I'm continuing on. I don't know if DMSI or the FRM is helpful in disentangling sexual arousal and bodily terror. I figure that it can't hurt to let the FRM keep doing its thing while working with my somatic healing worker. The plan working with her is to encounter the arousal and terror, and sit with the terror and let it dissipate, and disentangle them that way.

And that work keeps continuing.

[whome]

Day 35

Winding up a weekly break; will start cycle 6 tomorrow.

@Shannon posted on @wolverine_i_am's log:

Scratch wolverine as a valid tester.

as @wolverine_i_am posted about being in contact with a healing practitioner. Well, if so, then I'm certainly not a valid tester either.

I have an energy healer that I've been going to for more than two years. While seeing him I stopped going to the doctor to get ketamine for my depression. I'm using DMSI as a tool for both working on my self-love/self-acceptance/etc and to have the experience of being the obvious sexual desire of a woman.

While I'm not necessarily intending to forego being a valid tester for DMSI, I'm not going to stop seeing the healers that I'm seeing. If that means that I'm not a valid DMSI tester, so be it. I'm still hoping that DMSI can help me. I certainly can tell the difference between how I normally feel vs being on DMSI.

[Shannon]

Wolverine won't be a valid tester because he's going to mix mind programming methods.

[whome]

Wolverine won't be a valid tester because he's going to mix mind programming methods.

Ah, then I misread the post.

[whome]

Day 37

I'm still listening to DMSI for 5 loops a day.

My sleep has cratered. I'm waking super exhausted and have been doing so for about a week now. This has coincided with: 1. particularly cold weather, 2. arousal work with my somatic healer, 3. energy work with my energy healer. Perhaps DMSI has something to do with it, perhaps it doesn't. I used to have poor sleep like this for months at a time, so this isn't anything new, but it kinda sucks; I was starting to feel all sexy and in my body.

There's a bit of an unsettled feeling reading the discussion about FRM 4.4. I'm all for the new version of DMSI that will have it, and I hope it unlocks things for me. But it really feels like I'm at the mercy of that part of me, at the mercy of its sheer terror at physically existing. I'm trying to draw the fine line between fighting it (by keeping at listening to DMSI, etc) and surviving it (not getting in situations where I know it will crush me and leave me in a worse emotional situation than I was in before). And so while I want FRM to loosen the grips that it has on me so I can push myself further, I find myself reacting to the discussion about "resistance" with some shame about not being able to do better than I can.

Not asking for the discussion to be different, just noting my reactions to it.

And excitedly awaiting the new FRM to see what it can do.

[whome]

Day 40

Nothing new to talk about. Mildly excited about FRM 4.4 and the new DMSI.

Assuming the ASRB is the same for 3.3.1 as 3.3, I'll finish up my 5-day on cycle today, take the two days off during the weekend (as usual), and pick up 3.3.1 on Monday.

If it's not... let's see.

[whome]

Day 42 (of DMSI 3.3)

It's the second day off. Hoping that 3.3.1 is ready for tomorrow.

I have two thoughts.

First is a response to Shannon's post about being a valid tester and how that's holding up my end of the bargain. I understand.

I got this with the full intention of being a valid tester. A few posts ago I apparently misunderstood what would disqualify me and wanted to make sure that Shannon knew what I was doing apart from DMSI. Apparently that's fine, and I want to make sure that it's clear that my intention is to be as valid a tester as I can.

Second is about the "morphine drip". There was talk of it on a thread, though there wasn't agreement about the physical sensation and what it meant.

One of the ways that the "morphine drip" was talked about occurring was a feeling of whole-body buzzing. I found that interesting because I've felt that before in very special moments. In fact, even now, if I feel into my body and push my energy outwards, I can get the buzzing feeling back.

So I'm not sure if a buzzing feeling is a useful signal for me given that I've experienced it in the past and can apparently kinda control it.

[whome]

Day 43 (of DMSI 3.3)

I'd hoped that 3.3.1 would be out today, but it's not, so I'm doing my loops of 3.3. Once Shannon figures out the ASRBs for 3.3.1, I'll figure out how I want to move to it.

I'm planning on staying in this thread (it's the DMSI thread after all) but restarting the day counter, as I see it as a new start rather than a continuation.

In wrapping up 3.3, the one thing that I noticed that I executed was relaxation in my throat that let my voice go deeper. I'm a singer, and so I'm guessing that I'm confident enough in my voice that my subconscious was OK with allowing that bit of DMSI to execute. So, while I'm willing to release 3.3 with an "I wish it would have executed more, oh well", I do appreciate the bit of it that my subconscious was willing to run.

Bring on the 3.3.1.

[whome]

Day 44 (of DMSI 3.3)

8 loops a day of DMSI 3.3.1 is tough. Right now I'm doing five loops at work, listening on headphones. For 8 loops (nearly nine hours) I think I'm going to have to get it running in the background constantly. :/

Still pondering what the right approach is here. I might finish the week off with 3.3 and start 3.3.1 next Monday.

[whome]

The main thread is all "you think you have it rough and are complaining about 8 loops a day? we used to listen to our subs 21 hours a day".

Sigh.

I'm not complaining, I'm still trying to figure out how to do it. I've been trying to switch from sleeping with earplugs to my new Kokoon headphones. I could go back to using earplugs and do ultrasonic on my phone. I could put in a wire to my Kokoons (since no one seems to like Bluetooth for these subs), turn off noise cancelling, and do the masked subs. I could run the ultrasonic track on my Phantom all the time and get extra hours in that way. Options, options.

The current plan that I have is to wire the Kokoons and play it from my phone. The problem there is that I'm not yet good at sleeping in the Kokoons, and that's already disrupting my sleep, so how will adding DMSI to the mix alter things? Who knows. Sigh.

I'm going to take tomorrow and Thursday off, and then starting with Friday (or really starting with Thursday as I go to bed) I'll start the 7+3.

[Edit: on my iPad, of course, because my phone needs to plug in to recharge and it has no headphone jack. AAaaaaaaaargh!]

[Edit: OK, the Kokoons aren't going to work with a cord. If I use them without turning them on, then they're just sound dampers and I can use ultrasonic on my phone.

The reason I liked listening at work was because when I sleep I have something blocking my ears, and I don't know how it attenuates the sound of the sub playing. When I listened at work, at least I knew that I could listen with good headphones. I don't see that as a good option any more.]

[whome]

First pause day

OK, I have a plan!

My worry was not having a good way to get quality listening in while I sleep. I'm sensitive to noises while I sleep, and even if I play DMSI ultrasonically, it'll be on my iPhone speaker (which isn't so hot) and I'll possibly be wearing earplugs (and who knows how the earplugs attenuate sound across the spectrum).

So, the plan is to do three loops of ultrasonic while I sleep, and five loops of hybrid during the daytime. With daytime listening I can use very high-quality stereo headphones, and being able to use quality equipment for the task makes me happy. Worst case I can do eight hours overnight with ultrasonic, but that shouldn't be necessary too often.

Today and tomorrow I rest, and then Friday will be day 1 for 3.3.1.

See you then.

[Benjamin]

Back in my day I had to listen to subliminals for 21 hours while walking to school in my barefeet with a hole in the bum of my pants and no shoes on.