AM7 Stage 0 Healing Bootcamp Bonanza

[Have at ye]

Time for a leeetle rant.

So I've been really pissed off at my lady psychonalayst whilst running Stage 0. Why, you might ask? Because I believe she's hiding incompetence behind an aura of pomposity, oy! Oftentimes, in our work, her "interventions" had an anti-therapeutic effect, as in - they did more harm than good. David Shaw in his book on narcissism implied that "tough love" psychotherapy is nonsense and a symptom of systemic narcissitic tendencies of the entire psychotherapeutic establishment.

F. in. she's got this thing where she keeps implying I have a problem with boundary-setting. I do not. And she's not the only one doing so - all psychologists and psychatrists go-to piece of advice, without though basically, is "you must learn how to set boundaries". And I've been dealing with seriously abusive people and mobbers whose primary response to any *hint* of boundary setting is humiliation and revenge. These psychological idiots are failing to grasp the reality of this, furthering the humiliation. I hate them.

Even though she's been playing nice recently, I'm looking for some other psychotherapist now. Trouble is, all I see is morons or - worse yet - friggin' religiious people. And yes, I ain't working with such on enthical and moral grounds.

The entire psychiatric and psychological, and psychoanalytical, establishment has been, in my experience to date, a huge, counter-productive and inherently humiliating waste of time. In the end, I have to do everything on my own and all they're doing is *get mad at me* for trying to help myself. Ridiculous and ludicrous. ARRRRRGH HAVE AT YE IS AN ANGRY BOI RIGHT NOW. Oooph.

Hopefully this rant will make me feel better. Two and a half more months until DRS v2!

Frankly, currently I'm only attending therapy because it'd be unseemly if a person who's been through crises as serious as I *wasn't* attending therapy. Waste of time and resources in my book.

[Have at ye]

I figured I could use some more positive energy in my life, to facillitate healing and to feel better in general and not focus so much on the negative, so I added in a morphic field to my regimen that does just that (it's called "Positive Power Waves" and it is "a dense compression of positivity and positive energy into the core of your being, this energy is slowly released for your own usage and repair, and remains as a sustained dense structure for a while, it will supplement any energy needs and be useful in sports", according to the description) and it feels great!

This is going to be *awesome* for powering up DMSI down the line, oh yeah.

[Have at ye]

Okay, in addition to the above (a source of positvity to drive the healing and other stuff), I added in a negativity repellent and a negativity clearing thingy. Made me feel much better almost instantly, less angry and whatnot (I'm really tired of all the negativity I've been generating through the healing process, it's making life unpleasant). I remember using these two heavily when testing earlier versions of DMSI and they were pretty good.

Now I'm experiencing a very heavy sensations in the heart area (left side of chest), but in general feel more functional.

I'll go to Thursday's appointment with lady psychoanalyst and cancel next week's because I oould really use a break from her, as evidenced above, lewl.

[Have at ye]

Two weeks through with month no. 2, whoop-dee-doot!

Anyway, experienced temporary depression as the program was working on deep stuff, especially located in the perineum region of Wonky Sensatons ™. I'm feeling bad because I don't have regular singing work to do, primarily, right now. I'm trying to do some stuff to rectify that, but without much success as of yet. It's like I've suffered tremendously for little to no return; feels pointless.

That fancy thingy I devised is working very nicely, though. Definitely a worthwhile thing to practice and publish; getting some good feedback from others too.

I think the fancy-shmancy morphic fields should make making it through the remaining two-and-a-half months of hardcore healing bootcamp more palatable.

[Have at ye]

Thanks to my regimen of negativity repelling, clearing and positivity generation, I now feel a thousand times better. I'm still in hardcore healing mode, mind you, but now I can truly say "I'm healing and chilling" and hoping all this healing is going to pay off serious dividends in the long run.

So I think a nice addition to PRA v2 would be an internal positive energy/positivity generator. Because, as we say in Polish, "z pustego i Salomon nie naleje" ("even Solomon himself can't pour out of an empty vessel", or something to that extent), hyuck hyuck. In order to heal, you need energy, and negative energy - which is quite often a symptom of complex trauma in action - does not really facillitate healing all that much.

F. in. I'm still pissed off at people for all the damage I've been through, but now I'm more like laughing it off than being a SAD ANGRY BOI, driven to punch walls and call people colorful names.

I'm having wonky dreams now and again, and they're either related to adverse childhood experiences or recent mobbing work stuff. But now there's also a comforting presence in there, on which I purposefully called to help, oy! I believe this is US kicking in healing-wise, all those funky things I've been employing recently, to make the process more effective, efficient, and dare I say even pleasant.

[Have at ye]

Yeah, that little boost in positivity and the clearing of negativity has enabled the PRA in Stage 0 to progress, cleared some "snags", so to speak. Now I can tell from my train of thought and wonky sensations that OGSF and Healing are commencing further. F. in. I had some recollections around guilt related to porn use in my youth, and how it influenced my later approach to sexuality (the guilt).

I'd probably be doing a victory lap but I'm a bit too sleepy at this time. And the healing and clearing is relentless; it keeps keeping on. But good tidings ahead, I believe.

I have my piano lesson today and then a metalz gig, but if I feel too sleepy/tired I'll skip on the metlaz gig. Even though it's one of my favorite bands historically I don't really feel all that much enthusiasm; too focused on healing, I presume.

Thanks to this, I should be able to get more mileage out of US in Stage 0 as well. I got back to my dieting and workout-ing ways; practiced piano. I skipped on singing practice yesterday, but I'm planning to make it up today during the day, before my piano lesson.

Got invited to another getaway by dancer-chick-with-dem-bewbies, and it looks like it could be a whole lot of fun with attractive women. So I think I'll bite; it's slated for early June. It'd be tempting to go for DMSI, but I'll try to stick it out with Stage 0 as long as possible (so pretty much barring circumstances in which I feel DRS v2 would be a must, so stage-work wth maroons, I'll be running this bad boy until completion).

[Have at ye]

Went to that metalz gig, it was worth it. Good stuff!

Still, the healing and clearing is ongoing. I do get moments when I get really down - to the point of suicidal thoughts/ideation - and I'm weighed down by negativity, but my fancy morphic field regimen is helping. I'm kinda wondering how long it's going to take to heal so that this does not poison my life anymore, oy. It's been almost three months on PRA v1 + now a month and a half of Stage 0.

I'm whining, sure, but that doesn't mean a lot of progress hasn't been made. In general, I now feel "normal" compared to my mental lowest when I went through a series of serious crises. But my "normal" is kinda PTSD-aish normal, so it's not normal at all, hahaha. I'd love to get rid of that shite and get on with fun stuff, like sex, ladies, and singing jobs.

Going to lady psychoanalyst to shoot the shit. Still not feeling like talking about serious stuff with her; I've lost a termendous amount of trust in her after a series of botched "interventions" on her behalf (like, seriously. So here I am, describing a situation in which a maroon I had to work with kept feeling me up, no joke - and I gave him what for in an e-mail, and got fired for it, lewl [not just for that, as I gave what for to a bunch of people in general in that email, hyuck hyuck], and her response to that situation was "but it was a joke!" Ridiculous. A joke? I'd joke with my fist in his face, now that'd be hilarious. In a "why so serious" manner, lewlz. And this woman dares to lecture *me* on boundary-setting. It's like a knee-jerk reaction with these psychotherapy people, psychologist or psychoanalyst - whenever you mention people treating you like shite, they all go "oh you must learn to set proper boundaries" jeebus-frack. It's a humiliating response because it puts the onus of the responsibility for *someone else's actions* on you. It's also highly hypocrytical in a great many cases. I'll set my boundaries to their face using DRS v2, how about dem apples. They really hate that, don't they).

Ha, a spontaneus rant! Enjoy.

[Have at ye]

Damn, I feel good today. Had fascinating, funky dreams. I still have to get rid of upswells of negativity, mind you, either by ranting here or to myself in my apartment (works better if I do it out loud or where someone can read it, not inside my head - gives the energy more of an outward expression, y'see. If I have to keep it to myself too much, within myself, I'm gonna start going gradually more bonkers. It's one of the reasons schizos talk to themselves, BTW., could be useful if Shannon ever decides to make a "psychosis relief aid" program in the future or something). Now I'm having wonky sensations in my right leg, hadn't had those in a while.

I feel positive, I feel confident, I feel sexy, I feel up for some romance (I didn't use ESPA on pianist chick, though. But our rapport is improving with each lesson).

[Have at ye]

Feeling proper progress day after day now.

Had funky dreams again, a very important hint appeared in one of them tonight, gonna see about that (can't go into details).

Now, I'm thinking that I've been subjected over the years to levels of abuse that'd have taken a lesser man down (and they broke me there for a while. I got better, though) and the extent has been such that I've actually internalized, especially on the subocnscious level, certain extremely negative beliefs about myself that have been extremely toxic to my life and self-perception. Gonna rectify it.

I now have a pet-peeve about the silly spiel current pseudo-therpeutic culture keeps selling. Whatever goes wrong in your life, the commandment is "go work on yourself". I am, like, whuh? It's you people who should go and seriously work on yourselves as the shape the world is in right now is your responsibility. I am simply trying to give as good as I'm getting, heh.

[Have at ye]

Feelin' very good right now, too. I may have to switch listening times to evening because the sub is making me tremendously sleepy for a good several hours after listening, I assume while it's processing and executing at the same time.

I'm getting some US-related dreams - they're like dreams I'd get on earlier versions of US, usually sports related (today it was boxing).

That positive power waves thingy is great. It's giving me proper fuel for healing, as it is quite demanding on my subC.

I'm noticing that I get despondent at times, and am tempted to procrastinate on things I'd like to do, as I don't feel up to snuff all the time, but after some sleep I get up and then do them anyway, most efficiently too.

[Have at ye]

Aaaand another piece of the puzzle falls into place!

So, since I'm apparently surrounded - and have been for most of my life surrounded - by unappreciative, hateful ingrates, I will now be supplementing these particular affacts/energies by way of a morphic field designed just for that, called Love, Gratitude and Appreciation, lewl. I played it for some 40 minutes and I instantly got back to healing and chilling and feeling very good. This is joining my daily regimen.

This should expedite things nicely.

Anyroad, had some dreams related to healing and that Primal Masculinity stuff (being placed in leadership situations or whatevs).

[Have at ye]

Welp, due to recent developments, I want to run a program with DRS v2 (as there's assorted maroons, idjits and smarmy girls on the horizon) so I'll be switching to DMSI 5.1 until August probably. Then I'll switcharoo back to Stage 0 for a month at least.

Stage 0 is great, but can be quite hardcore, this really depends on what you've got to work on. F. in. PM for me was a breeze, pretty much, and most of the hardocoricity was within the PRA aspect of the program. US is very good, though I'd really like to have USLMaxx in 6G, potentially with the addition of Ultra Motivation and maybe OSC. That'd be a day-one purchase for me, even if Premium, heck yeah! Gonna try to sell Shannon on the idea once he's done working on AAM7.

Since I don't believe I'm totes done healing yet, I'll be continuing working on traumas and healing but through an assortment of morphic fields from pretty much the only morphic field creator I inherently trust, whilst DMSIng (I have a thingy called "The Alchemical Revision of Trauma" and wonky sensations ™ indicate it's doing what it says - revising trauma states into non-traumatic states, good stuff. Very gentle compared to PRA in Stage 0, but it should enable me to keep *some* momentum going).

So I'll be taking a little break from subs and then starting a new journal. This one's become quite hefty already, heh!