01-08-2017, 04:51 AM
It's been a while since I last posted. Part of it is because of my messed up laptop (Thanks Windows 10 upgrade), and part of it is because there has not been anything concrete for me to report. However, I don't mind sounding like a broken record to say healing has been taking place, because it has.
I had a sad realisation the other day that the number of friends I have will probably drop significantly. I was very involved in the religious circle where I met most of my friends. Since I started using subs, I have matured in various ways, but it has not been blatant to them as DMSI has been. Now, I find it difficult to hold a conversation with them. Things I consider normal makes them go haywire - even over texts. We could be talking just about anything, or women especially, and when I share my perspective, they look at me like some sort of an alien. The problem is I don't even remember how I was before. I don't remember how I would say the "right things", so it's a mask which doesn't fit me anymore.
Looking back at my sub history, it seems the naturaliser has been hitting me harder than the other components of the subs. It's like having a mild form amnesia - the type I gladly welcome. I'm happier than I've been for a very long time despite certain challenges, and I will choose to be happy any day over anything else, so long as I don't infringe on anyone's freedom.
In women related news, I think I overcame the Madonna-***** complex I mentioned in my previous post. I don't see one as better or purer than the other. I just see them as women, and what matters is if we are compatible with each other. As an example of how I'm being affected by the naturaliser, I don't remember what this felt like. I read that portion in my last post and then try to replay it in my mind, but I just can't make the distinction (in feelings) anymore.
I went to a local grocery shop the other day and almost bumped into one the shop assistant - twice. Rather, she almost bumped into me as she was the one with the broad smile on her face walking towards me. Interestingly, I did not give it much though while there in the shop. I just carried on shopping.
Also, in that same shop, I noticed a girl not far behind me while I was filling my basket. I got to the till to pay and she was behind me. I left that shop and went into the next one, got to the till - and she was behind me. I paid and was walking home, got to a traffic light - and she was behind me.
Now you may be wondering if I did something about it, but I swear NOTHING registered to me until I got home. It's only when I was in my room doing something else that the whole shop incidents played in my head. It could be DMSI or coincidence. I just don't know because I was minding my business (and distracted on the phone as well) and was not even thinking about getting results from the sub. I did not even assess her beauty - just that there was a white girl in a brown wool jacket who seemed to be behind me all the time.
I'm still running version A, and I don't have the desire to switch to B at the moment.
I had a sad realisation the other day that the number of friends I have will probably drop significantly. I was very involved in the religious circle where I met most of my friends. Since I started using subs, I have matured in various ways, but it has not been blatant to them as DMSI has been. Now, I find it difficult to hold a conversation with them. Things I consider normal makes them go haywire - even over texts. We could be talking just about anything, or women especially, and when I share my perspective, they look at me like some sort of an alien. The problem is I don't even remember how I was before. I don't remember how I would say the "right things", so it's a mask which doesn't fit me anymore.
Looking back at my sub history, it seems the naturaliser has been hitting me harder than the other components of the subs. It's like having a mild form amnesia - the type I gladly welcome. I'm happier than I've been for a very long time despite certain challenges, and I will choose to be happy any day over anything else, so long as I don't infringe on anyone's freedom.
In women related news, I think I overcame the Madonna-***** complex I mentioned in my previous post. I don't see one as better or purer than the other. I just see them as women, and what matters is if we are compatible with each other. As an example of how I'm being affected by the naturaliser, I don't remember what this felt like. I read that portion in my last post and then try to replay it in my mind, but I just can't make the distinction (in feelings) anymore.
I went to a local grocery shop the other day and almost bumped into one the shop assistant - twice. Rather, she almost bumped into me as she was the one with the broad smile on her face walking towards me. Interestingly, I did not give it much though while there in the shop. I just carried on shopping.
Also, in that same shop, I noticed a girl not far behind me while I was filling my basket. I got to the till to pay and she was behind me. I left that shop and went into the next one, got to the till - and she was behind me. I paid and was walking home, got to a traffic light - and she was behind me.
Now you may be wondering if I did something about it, but I swear NOTHING registered to me until I got home. It's only when I was in my room doing something else that the whole shop incidents played in my head. It could be DMSI or coincidence. I just don't know because I was minding my business (and distracted on the phone as well) and was not even thinking about getting results from the sub. I did not even assess her beauty - just that there was a white girl in a brown wool jacket who seemed to be behind me all the time.
I'm still running version A, and I don't have the desire to switch to B at the moment.
Confront your problems. Walk away from BS. Seek wisdom to know the difference.
