06-15-2017, 07:25 PM
Day 87
Currently listening to: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Wms3YEVSFM
There's a strange thing that happens to my brain when I do a sub. It's the equivalent for me of being at that point of when you're high and time slows down to the point where you can tell you're shifting from one state to another.
In the last 7 days I have lived in this constant time flux. I don't know why, but it's been really pronounced this time. More so than other times that I have run the sub. It's also been interesting because the changes have been so significantly deep.
I'm still only running 1 loop of B during the early evening. I'd say a good 5 hours before bed.
So, what have these deep changes been.
It started on day 83, I had this dream where I was holding a can of coke and was just about to drink it, when I suddenly realized that there was caffeine in coke. I ended up pouring the contents out and then threw the can away.
Now, I've stopped drinking caffeine almost 6 weeks ago now, maybe 7. I don't even eat chocolate much anymore. I wasn't expecting to go through those same motions in my dream. The belief of caffeine being bad for me is pretty heavily ingrained into my mind now.
But, that's not the really important dream. The next night I dreamt of someone I know dying. After the death, something started to happen in the dream, and I started stripping deeper and deeper into my mind. It was almost like I was stripping to the very core of me.
It was at that point that that core of me started talking back to me. Here's where the dream got so incredibly intense. The idea of God was brought up to me. In the dream, the core of me told myself that I am a god, I have absolute control of my universe. So, I asked how that would make sense as it pertains to others. And the core of me said we are all gods, we just choose not to exercise the god power within us. We've become ashamed of using it. That absolute power will grant us anything, if we align with it.
Then the rest of the Dream was me aligning with that power. Or trying to anyway. It was so intense because it didn't really feel like I was asleep, rather I felt like I was somewhere in-between.
Now, I'm not trying to start any debate, offend anyone, or use the term god in a religious manner. This was just what happened in the dream.
I spent the past few days trying to make sense of that dream. And, I wonder if the execution or lack of execution is related not to the shame of women or a past trauma, but the shame of having that kind of power to wield and control over our own destinies.
Interestingly enough, the day after the dream I took a friend of mine out for his birthday dinner and we hit a bar afterwards. A young girl sitting next to us started dancing to the music, offered us her food and was trying hard to engage my friend and I. I'm still in a mental place where I can't be bothered to talk to a woman.
The bartender also hooked us up royally; we had 6 beers and she charged us for only 1.
I hadn't noticed this kind of a thing much since version 2.3.
Something is taking place deep in my psyche, but I honestly can't say what it is. All I know is is that I have zero interest in engaging people in general right now. It's hard for me to be social. Writing this post is like me battling tooth and nail with myself.
I'm heading out of town for my yearly retreat; I spend a week alone by myself camping in the woods. It helps me to disconnect from the day-to-day of being in NYC. My sub usage over that time will be sporadic at best. I may get in 1 or 2 days. I'll be back on a regular schedule when I get back.
Perhaps by then I'll have some of the answers that I'm looking for internally.
I'll see where I am a week from now.
Also, I still haven't reached out to K. It's not resistance or fear either. It's just disinterest right now. Perhaps this will change while I'm gone.
Currently listening to: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3Wms3YEVSFM
There's a strange thing that happens to my brain when I do a sub. It's the equivalent for me of being at that point of when you're high and time slows down to the point where you can tell you're shifting from one state to another.
In the last 7 days I have lived in this constant time flux. I don't know why, but it's been really pronounced this time. More so than other times that I have run the sub. It's also been interesting because the changes have been so significantly deep.
I'm still only running 1 loop of B during the early evening. I'd say a good 5 hours before bed.
So, what have these deep changes been.
It started on day 83, I had this dream where I was holding a can of coke and was just about to drink it, when I suddenly realized that there was caffeine in coke. I ended up pouring the contents out and then threw the can away.
Now, I've stopped drinking caffeine almost 6 weeks ago now, maybe 7. I don't even eat chocolate much anymore. I wasn't expecting to go through those same motions in my dream. The belief of caffeine being bad for me is pretty heavily ingrained into my mind now.
But, that's not the really important dream. The next night I dreamt of someone I know dying. After the death, something started to happen in the dream, and I started stripping deeper and deeper into my mind. It was almost like I was stripping to the very core of me.
It was at that point that that core of me started talking back to me. Here's where the dream got so incredibly intense. The idea of God was brought up to me. In the dream, the core of me told myself that I am a god, I have absolute control of my universe. So, I asked how that would make sense as it pertains to others. And the core of me said we are all gods, we just choose not to exercise the god power within us. We've become ashamed of using it. That absolute power will grant us anything, if we align with it.
Then the rest of the Dream was me aligning with that power. Or trying to anyway. It was so intense because it didn't really feel like I was asleep, rather I felt like I was somewhere in-between.
Now, I'm not trying to start any debate, offend anyone, or use the term god in a religious manner. This was just what happened in the dream.
I spent the past few days trying to make sense of that dream. And, I wonder if the execution or lack of execution is related not to the shame of women or a past trauma, but the shame of having that kind of power to wield and control over our own destinies.
Interestingly enough, the day after the dream I took a friend of mine out for his birthday dinner and we hit a bar afterwards. A young girl sitting next to us started dancing to the music, offered us her food and was trying hard to engage my friend and I. I'm still in a mental place where I can't be bothered to talk to a woman.
The bartender also hooked us up royally; we had 6 beers and she charged us for only 1.
I hadn't noticed this kind of a thing much since version 2.3.
Something is taking place deep in my psyche, but I honestly can't say what it is. All I know is is that I have zero interest in engaging people in general right now. It's hard for me to be social. Writing this post is like me battling tooth and nail with myself.
I'm heading out of town for my yearly retreat; I spend a week alone by myself camping in the woods. It helps me to disconnect from the day-to-day of being in NYC. My sub usage over that time will be sporadic at best. I may get in 1 or 2 days. I'll be back on a regular schedule when I get back.
Perhaps by then I'll have some of the answers that I'm looking for internally.
I'll see where I am a week from now.
Also, I still haven't reached out to K. It's not resistance or fear either. It's just disinterest right now. Perhaps this will change while I'm gone.
