Findingme's UMS journal

[findingme]

I knew Shannon said UMS might cause emotional turmoil, so I went back to the UMS sales page and found out that I could use it to deal with it. He advised it even on "off" days if needed. Running 2 loops now at a slightly higher volume, US.

It's like I'm going back in time, shaking up what I've called reality. And I've not done this by any conscious act of mine. I'm scared due to feeling very vulnerable, and I feel young right now. I PM'd someone about this, and I said Let Go of The Past (in E3) is pushing me to do this now.

Part of me is seeking the parent in me, a new thought, even though I've heard this 1000's of times in recent years. Believing in myself to do this has been very rare. I'd also shared in my PM that I've protected my brother in my mind by beating myself up and blaming me. This was what instigated the PM--me blasting and blaming myself for my pain.

I said my thoughts and feelings made no sense, and presently it feels that way.

[findingme]

E3 is definitely working. I went in my emails, clicked on a software sales link, and I felt something in my gut. I knew instantly I was running from this. I backed out.

I feel pain inside, and damn, it hurts more to avoid myself.

The boy in me is scared. He's wanting to be obedient and not get in trouble, and I'm new in directing and guiding him. I'm not so sure he needs to do or be something. I love him any way he is.

I used to love my daughter like this, and I still accept her like she is, though I share my opinions when it'll help her. I've doubted myself there too, tbh. Me fearing some relational failure has isolated me a lot.

I'm seeing connections in this post. Grief is growing too, but slowly.

[findingme]

It's been ages since I slept and dreamed like that. I listened to 2 loops of UMS last night, but even before it ended, I put in earplugs since my neighbors were out on the porch talking late. I'm realizing I've pasted this image and personality of my brother on the guy, he does constantly talk or complain about nothing, and I put earplugs in so I wouldn't be kept up by his complaining. My focus was not on others waking up; it was on me.

Upon waking up, I paid attention to what I felt, and I'd slightly disconnected from some fear--maybe some was dealt with last night. I realized I was thinking of my feelings and experiences my whole childhood in the church. This felt similar to the fears and feelings I had yesterday, so I felt guarded and saddened, both. I have not had sexual experiences in the church of any kind, but these feelings had me wondering if I've buried something. It's worth mentioning since I had trust in both, and one is known to have crossed lines. While writing that, I wanted and will write "I allowed my brother to cross lines" since blame has put attention on things not leading to healing. I know I was tangled in this web, and blaming takes power and attention away from who I have control over, which is me.

I turned on 2 loops of UMS before I began writing. Tears and fears might have flooded it out; it's happened in the past. I'll report changes and experiences today.

On a UMS note, I haven't written about monetary changes, as this internal stuff has been my focus. However, I'm making thousands a day mining bitcoin, it comes in steadily, and I'm going to alter how I fund it, as my income is presently at 1% ROI per month. I'll keep this in place but transfer funds to my miner, who makes 200% per week. Flipping that amount has been my aim for almost a month now. It's retirement money, and I'll transfer some into whole life insurance policies for safety and future income.

[Shannon]

Rule 4.

[findingme]

I need to admit something, as it's been affecting me all day. Now that I think about it, I was doing it before I wrote this morning. But circumstances have had it brewing a little while.

I've had the victim mentality running non-stop. Being mad at anyone and everyone for the choices I make has been where I've been most of the day. I've not had it come up in discussions today, and I even wished to escape my lonely neighbor who came out when I got home from doing laundry. Upon settling down, I listened to my thoughts and feelings. Poor, powerless me thoughts followed by an expectation that someone besides me should and could lift me up. I've lived my whole life that way, and it's surfaced in the midst of remembering old memories this weekend.

It's my old way of not being responsible. Blame, anger, and feelings spit out harshly have been how it shows. I acted this way with my female miner last weekend, and I've stayed away from her--I've continually seen her as the mad, angry perpetrator of my unchecked miner choice. Poor me victim thinking all the way through.

And I saw Shannon in that light this morning after saying all of "Rule 4". Anger all day in me, imagining the worst. I am grateful I'm seeing it now, though I'm still uncomfortable taking full responsibility for me.

What am I angry about? Change. Me having to be responsible for me. This is in essence, a whiny post, and it's affecting me. I'm seeking better thinking choices. I'm going to go take a walk

[EvolvingPhoenix]

The point is, you're noticing these patterns and deliberately changing them. You're making good progress! Keep up the good work!

[findingme]

Thank you, EP. I just got back from walking and I enjoyed it. I realized my main freedom points on E2 were when the Overcome the Victim Mentality message was drilling down in my thinking. No kidding there. I thought more about this, and 95% of my suffering regarding traumas I've felt was because (waaaa) no one rescued me. The events I've rarely if ever dealt with. The remembrances that I was alone were my biggest pain points. Even now, my actual traumas can be dealt with by me, but when I expect the same one who hurt me to come and rescue me, I'm spinning in circles feeling tons of fear and abandonment. That's what happened with me and my brother. And that's been my cycle. Always seeking one who hurt me to rescue me as well. I know it's fucked up, so I admit it knowing our experiences affect what Shannon scripts in his subs. I'm doing the same as an abused wife returning to her abuser thinking "he loves me. He can change".

That's my story. It's what I've done. I'm actively learning to do differently, and the subs here are responsible for that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I understand. When I was in a friendship with my exfriend, I considered myself to be "drowning" and needed to be saved. Healing depended on me to be self affirming, self loving, etc. just remember YOU are the source of everything you need and have the power to change your reality. You can do this!

[Paul1131]

Thank you, EP.  I just got back from walking and I enjoyed it.  I realized my main freedom points on E2 were when the Overcome the Victim Mentality message was drilling down in my thinking.  No kidding there.  I thought more about this, and 95% of my suffering regarding traumas I've felt was because (waaaa) no one rescued me.  The events I've rarely if ever dealt with.  The remembrances that I was alone were my biggest pain points.  Even now, my actual traumas can be dealt with by me, but when I expect the same one who hurt me to come and rescue me, I'm spinning in circles feeling tons of fear and abandonment.  That's what happened with me and my brother.  And that's been my cycle.  Always seeking one who hurt me to rescue me as well.  I know it's ***** up, so I admit it knowing our experiences affect what Shannon scripts in his subs.  I'm doing the same as an abused wife returning to her abuser thinking "he loves me.  He can change".

That's my story.  It's what I've done.  I'm actively learning to do differently, and the subs here are responsible for that.

You are sounding better every time you post man.  It’s great to hear.  The subs aren’t responsible though.  They’re a tool.  They make the personal work we are doing easier, and in some cases possible when it otherwise might not be, but it’s us who are doing the work consciously and subconsciously.  If you buy one of these advanced subs and refuse to do the work, I dare say it was a waste of money.  
YOU are doing this.  Good show.

[findingme]

I'm thinking more long-term with money now. I spoke with my miner last night, and we set up a plan to move my funds where I'll be making significantly higher returns, and it's very doable. This will allow me to relax more financially since I'm focusing on other personal desires as well. He even asked me how I saw myself doing this, as he's been checking my thinking, which I appreciated.

I responded with a single sentence. I said "I'm going to outsource it initially" since he's already set up for it; I'll pay him 10% to mine large amounts so I can focus on allocating the funds to holding accounts, businesses, or any future investments. It was a very encouraging conversation to be in.