Avenus45 E2 Journal

[Aventus45]

Im keeping an offline journal that is more detailed but I will try to keep it as detailed as I can.
Day 1

- Within the first 10-20 mins, I felt like I wanted to commit suicide. it was fleeting and was gone minutes later.

-One dream I had is very telling to what to how I felt about my ex. I am still hurt and angry about her.

-Had a dream about this one girl last night. The entire scene depicted almost pure unconditional love and it enraged me. Its almost like I wanted that type of love from someone else. I wish I had that…….

Day 3
-On a good day, im hustling in my job, working for a real estate agent, trying to be more active in school social scene, my grades, and hobbies. On a bad day, I feel super lonely and I tend to be very reactive to what everyone says.

- A professor indirectly inspired me to basically to not give a fuck and live my life as fully as possible because of how often underestimate myself and how awesome the human potential is.

-Still get residual MSI V2.3 iois and what not.

[DisneylandUSA]

Im keeping an offline journal that is more detailed but I will try to keep it as detailed as I can.
Day 1

- Within the first 10-20 mins, I felt like I wanted to commit suicide. it was fleeting and was gone minutes later.

-One dream I had is very telling to what to how I felt about my ex. I am still hurt and angry about her.

-Had a dream about this one girl last night. The entire scene depicted almost pure unconditional love and it enraged me. Its almost like I wanted that type of love from someone else. I wish I had that…….

Day 3
-On a good day, im hustling in my job, working for a real estate agent, trying to be more active in school social scene, my grades, and hobbies. On a bad day, I feel super lonely and I tend to be very reactive to what everyone says.

- A professor indirectly inspired me to basically to not give a **** and live my life as fully as possible because of how often underestimate myself and how awesome the human potential is.

-Still get residual MSI V2.3 iois and what not.

Sounds like things/issues came up to the surface. Helplessness/hopeless feelings come out on E2 for myself when it is digging deep on issues. Deep Breaths, Deep Breaths when Anxiety kicks in :angel:

[Aventus45]

Day 4

-Started to be more aware if why I think negative thoughts. Like the triggers.

-had a presentation and I felt super nervous. The whole thing was supposed to be prepping me for future public speaking. The entire time my mind was thinking about this comedian who is very transparent. So I presented with more honesty than I was comfortable with and it felt fine.

- vulnerability and authenticity is something I strive for. To be able to live honestly with myself without the guilt, Shame, and fear that would otherwise make me want to hide away.

[Aventus45]

Day 6

Being more authentic and mix it with being more social seem to be a cool combo.

Met a Korean girl today, I asked her what she majored. She majored in music which was interesting to me but I gave her a look and she mistaken it for disapproval. She flashed a look of confusion/horror and when I said that's cool or interesting and she returned to normal. We went on to talking about her interests and then a male friend came in and started talking took her in Korean. I was like oh well and I left and became a social butterfly. When she was there, she would glance at me occasionally. When she left I waved goodbye and she lit up and was all happy. I forgot to close the deal........

Met a hispanic girl. I failed her shit tests but otherwise it was a cool interaction. We were sitting next to each other and playing a board game . she was constantly teasing me and what not. Everytime she does, we would lock eyes and just laugh and smile. Eventually she just stands up and bends forward and does a butt presentation. She wasn't even that far from the board by I guess she needed to see the board better? Her shit test was openly saying I won't retaliate at her if she starts something in the game. I retaliated and I think i failed it lol. She has a boyfriend though.

Otherwise, I mingled really well with everyone and it seems like a stark contrast to the a few days ago. I went from feeling like I want to ghost to feeling great and having fun. I'll probably meet those two again but I'll be more genuine when I do.