Day 11
Had to facilitate a discussion, I failed to steer the discussion. The saving grace is the fact that the detours were interesting.
I felt jealousy stab my heart when I see other guys succeeding in dating and relationships. While I still feel this now, I can at least process that pain enough to see the underlying lesson. Dating, in some part, is about finding what I have in common with another person. I don't know why I have this huge mental block in my mind that prevents myself from doing just that. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me.
Was able to be partially vulnerable with a male friend of mine. He asked what I would have changed in senior year in high school. Main regrets were my lack of confidence, missed opportunities with women, and lack of work life balance.
My senior year of high school was a period of isolation and anger. I was isolated because I worked during all my after-school times and lost touch with all my friends. At lunch, I couldn't really connect with the guys around me so I started becoming solitary person. I became angry because I saw everyone else happy and apparently found a significant other. The rage inside boiled for months and I ended up feeling lonely, angry, and hurt.
It was the same year i met my first girlfriend, it came by chance and we started talking. It was like a drug to me and a loved it. I would text her everyday and what not despite having virtually nothing in common. Eventually her inexperience and my constant need for attention spiraled to the peak and I asked her out. She said yes and we began dating. Funny enough my physical rapport and eye contact was on point. She kept asking me why I liked her and I kept responding with I don't know( this part had alot of shame attached to it when I think back). It was probably my extreme neediness drove me over.
I guess she fell out of love because I became needy and felt content and slipped at some point. She fell out of love and I was ashamed that I couldn't see all the red flags such as her talking about other dudes to me. I failed one of her biggest shit tests on that topic due to the same neediness and insecurities. The final nail to the coffin was me "escalating" too fast and that ended the relationship. Of course, she didn't want to hurt me and failed to mention this so I spent my first three months in my semester in college trying to contact her. After a while she finally broke the news to me.
Just typing this out was a purge in itself. Though I feel nothing... I'm listening to E2 while typing this out so that might be something. What's done is done, only thing I can hope for is to learn from these experiences and then be rid of all attachments so i can begin a new.
Edit: looks like I need to be in E2 for the long haul.
Had to facilitate a discussion, I failed to steer the discussion. The saving grace is the fact that the detours were interesting.
I felt jealousy stab my heart when I see other guys succeeding in dating and relationships. While I still feel this now, I can at least process that pain enough to see the underlying lesson. Dating, in some part, is about finding what I have in common with another person. I don't know why I have this huge mental block in my mind that prevents myself from doing just that. I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me.
Was able to be partially vulnerable with a male friend of mine. He asked what I would have changed in senior year in high school. Main regrets were my lack of confidence, missed opportunities with women, and lack of work life balance.
My senior year of high school was a period of isolation and anger. I was isolated because I worked during all my after-school times and lost touch with all my friends. At lunch, I couldn't really connect with the guys around me so I started becoming solitary person. I became angry because I saw everyone else happy and apparently found a significant other. The rage inside boiled for months and I ended up feeling lonely, angry, and hurt.
It was the same year i met my first girlfriend, it came by chance and we started talking. It was like a drug to me and a loved it. I would text her everyday and what not despite having virtually nothing in common. Eventually her inexperience and my constant need for attention spiraled to the peak and I asked her out. She said yes and we began dating. Funny enough my physical rapport and eye contact was on point. She kept asking me why I liked her and I kept responding with I don't know( this part had alot of shame attached to it when I think back). It was probably my extreme neediness drove me over.
I guess she fell out of love because I became needy and felt content and slipped at some point. She fell out of love and I was ashamed that I couldn't see all the red flags such as her talking about other dudes to me. I failed one of her biggest shit tests on that topic due to the same neediness and insecurities. The final nail to the coffin was me "escalating" too fast and that ended the relationship. Of course, she didn't want to hurt me and failed to mention this so I spent my first three months in my semester in college trying to contact her. After a while she finally broke the news to me.
Just typing this out was a purge in itself. Though I feel nothing... I'm listening to E2 while typing this out so that might be something. What's done is done, only thing I can hope for is to learn from these experiences and then be rid of all attachments so i can begin a new.
Edit: looks like I need to be in E2 for the long haul.
Phase 1: The Foundation
AM6(2020)
LTU v6(2020-2021)
OF v3(2021)
Phase 2
AM6 Refresher + SM3(2021)
AM6(2020)
LTU v6(2020-2021)
OF v3(2021)
Phase 2
AM6 Refresher + SM3(2021)
