I'm trying not to write in this TOO often but I feel like SOME progress has been made in a way, although there have also been some challenges and I just feel like doing an update. It's probably not going to be short at all, I'm afraid! 
OK so, last Sunday I had my first date in over a year (like I said, self-imposed year off.) And my first kiss so that was nice
He wanted more but did not get it though it was really tempting, cos I also (self-imposed) have not had sex in over a year either. It was nice to have a date, but one thing that annoyed me was my shyness. He had beautiful eyes & a few times near the beginning, I found myself looking away. And the conversation didn't flow as well as I wanted, but PART of that was him, he mostly wanted to talk about sex! But also I felt quite shy. (But am I being too hard on myself, it WAS my first date in over a year?)
I said to a guy online earlier that sometimes a guy will laugh or smile broadly after kissing me and he said that means he's really enjoying it and doesn't want it to end. This guy DIDN'T do that but I feel excited imagining having THAT again!
I got a blast from the past, a guy from my last time on Tinder found me and HE wanted to meet up and bonka bonka too - yep same day as my date. I've had 2 dates with him but in both cases I'm glad I didn't, even though it was partially circumstantial that I didn't, including a potential car buyer calling wanting to see the car! Blast from the past thought I'd saved his number cos I said thanks and then he deleted the app. Now I have no contact info for him but maybe it's just as well? I don't want casual again. It was fun but now I crave connection, romance, love. And I have to be strong even though it's difficult, if a guy can't take me out on a few dates, he aint getting this.
Shyness has been an issue. I took a whole 24 hours to work up the nerve to have a phone chat with a guy! It went well when I did, I liked our chat but I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk in the park today & 4 hours later THIS is what I got in reply "would I be able to come see you later tonight?" I asked my chatroom boys and they said yep it's a hookup request. I've already told him I don't wanna roll like that so at the moment I'm ignoring it. I was quite bummed out though. Because as well as being cute in the pix, when we chatted on the phone, I found him quite intelligent & witty.
Shyness was an issue with this other guy. At one point he sent me this message "I am glad I found you you are my kind of woman" Yes I DID reply but after HIS reply I was SO shy it took me 3 days!! but I've since apologized for the delay.
Anyway, at the moment my shyness (and part of that, surely, is due to a year off men?) is not the biggest problem right now, the biggest problem is finding guys willing to take me on a date NOT just trying to hook up.
Yes, I know it's Tinder but I just don't like many guys offline and even if I DO, they don't seem to approach ANY woman! I tried Bumble, got one match sent a message and later on he's deleted the app! Gee, THANKS buddy! I've tried dating guys I'm NOT that attracted to, and I didn't like it. A lot of women do that & are quite happy to do that. But even if I get nervous at first, I LOVE those feelings, those butterflies it's a buzz that I just don't feel when I'm ho hum about a guy. It's not just about looks, cos I need more than just looks in my men. But when I kiss someone or even have sex with them, I don't want part of me to be like, WHY, for the love of...WHY are you DOING this? I've tried dating guys I'm not as attracted to and ugh I just can't. If that makes me a shallow bitch then well whatever. But I do care about what's on the inside too. So I feel like, despite a lot of people telling me to settle (and they never seem to tell MEN to settle, only women! It's like men, go for the 10! Women, if he's nice and has a penis, MARRY him!)
But the good things - cos yes I've talked about the two main challenges I've had - are that well, I've been getting matches. ALSO on some days I've been getting 2-3 superlikes a day!! I haven't been sent any dick pix - last time I got enough cock photos to make TWO cock of the month calendars! Seriously what am I supposed to DO with those things, wallpaper my room? Yeah, don't answer that!
But some of the messages have been really quite respectful this time around.
I thought about practice dates with guys from the chatroom, as in mutually agreed in advance practice dates when we BOTH know & agree it's for confidence-building and not a "real" date, I don't mean using some guy cos I'm not like that. And a couple of those guys are up for that. But I sort of feel like it's still not going to help as it's only when I am with handsome guys that I feel nervous. So it might help the guys but not really help me?
So this is a long entry and kinda rant-y. (sorry!) But I'm gonna try and focus on the good stuff:
I'm getting matches. I'm getting "super-likes" I've had my first date and kiss in over a year. And even though I often wish I WASN'T...I'm DEFINITELY bonk-able.
Hopefully at some stage though I can find men who SEE I'm not only bonkable but also date-worthy sigh.
It's still progress though, right?
Anyway, as I said I would I'll keep using the subliminal, up till 10th September (9 month mark) if that's how long it takes. And I'll try to push myself to get back out there and go to meetup groups and things again. I don't usually fancy anyone there, though it's good for me socially, but I DID get my last boyfriend from a kareoke meetup group. At least I'm considered attractive, right? I mean, before I went back to Tinder, I thought what if NOBODY i like fancies me. And yet I'm even having guys waste their one superlike of the day (well, unless they are paid members!) on lil ole me! What the HELL was I WORRIED about?! All that bullcrackers in my head telling me I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not young enough, lies, lies LIES! All the crap society shoves down our throats, utter bollix and jellybeans, all of it. I've also been affirming, I AM good enough to date. I AM beautiful enough to date. I remember another one I am girlfriend-material. Well, I am. I may not look like a model but some guys DO find me attractive. I also am kind, intelligent, educated and very witty. I can sometimes even make people laugh on demand! And I have a high sex drive & an open mind.
Plus i've been told before I'm a great girlfriend and that I was a "wonderful wife." And my ex hubby said some of the best years of his life were spent with me. So, you know. I DO have SOME things going for me.
But I'm also going try detaching from it all a bit. Cos online dating can be frustrating. And looking for love can be one facepalm after another. I'm not one of these people with these super amazing lives, with a great job, great friends blah blah effing BLAH that I can throw myself into to distract me. BUT I DO feel that gratitude IS a key! And
I DID recently score a higher paying job than what I had, great team there too, I'm gonna get back into exercise more from next weekend (first week back at work and new job, didn't sleep well so took it easy this weekend but from next weekend it's back cycling or skating & getting fit again.) And I'm just gonna be grateful for anything I DO have. Even if I go to the odd meetup group and only make acquaintances. When I really want friends. Who message me and ask to do things. But I'm gonna find a way to appreciate even acquaintances.
OK, shutting up now, cos this has been long & hopefully not too controversial in any way?
Ducking from forum fire!
OK so, last Sunday I had my first date in over a year (like I said, self-imposed year off.) And my first kiss so that was nice
He wanted more but did not get it though it was really tempting, cos I also (self-imposed) have not had sex in over a year either. It was nice to have a date, but one thing that annoyed me was my shyness. He had beautiful eyes & a few times near the beginning, I found myself looking away. And the conversation didn't flow as well as I wanted, but PART of that was him, he mostly wanted to talk about sex! But also I felt quite shy. (But am I being too hard on myself, it WAS my first date in over a year?)I said to a guy online earlier that sometimes a guy will laugh or smile broadly after kissing me and he said that means he's really enjoying it and doesn't want it to end. This guy DIDN'T do that but I feel excited imagining having THAT again!
I got a blast from the past, a guy from my last time on Tinder found me and HE wanted to meet up and bonka bonka too - yep same day as my date. I've had 2 dates with him but in both cases I'm glad I didn't, even though it was partially circumstantial that I didn't, including a potential car buyer calling wanting to see the car! Blast from the past thought I'd saved his number cos I said thanks and then he deleted the app. Now I have no contact info for him but maybe it's just as well? I don't want casual again. It was fun but now I crave connection, romance, love. And I have to be strong even though it's difficult, if a guy can't take me out on a few dates, he aint getting this.
Shyness has been an issue. I took a whole 24 hours to work up the nerve to have a phone chat with a guy! It went well when I did, I liked our chat but I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk in the park today & 4 hours later THIS is what I got in reply "would I be able to come see you later tonight?" I asked my chatroom boys and they said yep it's a hookup request. I've already told him I don't wanna roll like that so at the moment I'm ignoring it. I was quite bummed out though. Because as well as being cute in the pix, when we chatted on the phone, I found him quite intelligent & witty.
Shyness was an issue with this other guy. At one point he sent me this message "I am glad I found you you are my kind of woman" Yes I DID reply but after HIS reply I was SO shy it took me 3 days!! but I've since apologized for the delay.
Anyway, at the moment my shyness (and part of that, surely, is due to a year off men?) is not the biggest problem right now, the biggest problem is finding guys willing to take me on a date NOT just trying to hook up.
Yes, I know it's Tinder but I just don't like many guys offline and even if I DO, they don't seem to approach ANY woman! I tried Bumble, got one match sent a message and later on he's deleted the app! Gee, THANKS buddy! I've tried dating guys I'm NOT that attracted to, and I didn't like it. A lot of women do that & are quite happy to do that. But even if I get nervous at first, I LOVE those feelings, those butterflies it's a buzz that I just don't feel when I'm ho hum about a guy. It's not just about looks, cos I need more than just looks in my men. But when I kiss someone or even have sex with them, I don't want part of me to be like, WHY, for the love of...WHY are you DOING this? I've tried dating guys I'm not as attracted to and ugh I just can't. If that makes me a shallow bitch then well whatever. But I do care about what's on the inside too. So I feel like, despite a lot of people telling me to settle (and they never seem to tell MEN to settle, only women! It's like men, go for the 10! Women, if he's nice and has a penis, MARRY him!)
But the good things - cos yes I've talked about the two main challenges I've had - are that well, I've been getting matches. ALSO on some days I've been getting 2-3 superlikes a day!! I haven't been sent any dick pix - last time I got enough cock photos to make TWO cock of the month calendars! Seriously what am I supposed to DO with those things, wallpaper my room? Yeah, don't answer that!
But some of the messages have been really quite respectful this time around.
I thought about practice dates with guys from the chatroom, as in mutually agreed in advance practice dates when we BOTH know & agree it's for confidence-building and not a "real" date, I don't mean using some guy cos I'm not like that. And a couple of those guys are up for that. But I sort of feel like it's still not going to help as it's only when I am with handsome guys that I feel nervous. So it might help the guys but not really help me?
So this is a long entry and kinda rant-y. (sorry!) But I'm gonna try and focus on the good stuff:
I'm getting matches. I'm getting "super-likes" I've had my first date and kiss in over a year. And even though I often wish I WASN'T...I'm DEFINITELY bonk-able.
Hopefully at some stage though I can find men who SEE I'm not only bonkable but also date-worthy sigh.
It's still progress though, right?
Anyway, as I said I would I'll keep using the subliminal, up till 10th September (9 month mark) if that's how long it takes. And I'll try to push myself to get back out there and go to meetup groups and things again. I don't usually fancy anyone there, though it's good for me socially, but I DID get my last boyfriend from a kareoke meetup group. At least I'm considered attractive, right? I mean, before I went back to Tinder, I thought what if NOBODY i like fancies me. And yet I'm even having guys waste their one superlike of the day (well, unless they are paid members!) on lil ole me! What the HELL was I WORRIED about?! All that bullcrackers in my head telling me I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not young enough, lies, lies LIES! All the crap society shoves down our throats, utter bollix and jellybeans, all of it. I've also been affirming, I AM good enough to date. I AM beautiful enough to date. I remember another one I am girlfriend-material. Well, I am. I may not look like a model but some guys DO find me attractive. I also am kind, intelligent, educated and very witty. I can sometimes even make people laugh on demand! And I have a high sex drive & an open mind.
Plus i've been told before I'm a great girlfriend and that I was a "wonderful wife." And my ex hubby said some of the best years of his life were spent with me. So, you know. I DO have SOME things going for me. But I'm also going try detaching from it all a bit. Cos online dating can be frustrating. And looking for love can be one facepalm after another. I'm not one of these people with these super amazing lives, with a great job, great friends blah blah effing BLAH that I can throw myself into to distract me. BUT I DO feel that gratitude IS a key! And
I DID recently score a higher paying job than what I had, great team there too, I'm gonna get back into exercise more from next weekend (first week back at work and new job, didn't sleep well so took it easy this weekend but from next weekend it's back cycling or skating & getting fit again.) And I'm just gonna be grateful for anything I DO have. Even if I go to the odd meetup group and only make acquaintances. When I really want friends. Who message me and ask to do things. But I'm gonna find a way to appreciate even acquaintances.
OK, shutting up now, cos this has been long & hopefully not too controversial in any way?
Ducking from forum fire!
