Arctic Fox's EPRHA V2 Journal

[ArcticFox]

Day 20
Missed a day tally = 7

Was away Saturday Night due to another weekend of fun. DJd at a one off party we run. Was absolutely brilliant!!

Its a good test being away from home. Because i'm with old friends that I havnt seen for a while I experience anxiety, hesitation, not really being myself and nervousness. I do notice that I'm afraid to speak out and say what's on my mind while in a group. These were all a little worse than usual while sober but on the whole I was very relaxed for the weekend and enjoyed myself.

On the whole I definitely feel an underlying change, its very hard to pinpoint but it feels good in a way - almost like I'm becoming who I used to be a long time ago.

I've also got back on Tinder, I have noticed that I can reply to girls with less anxiety than before, im less angry and resentful. Previously I would have removed a girl out of spite (which really is spiting myself!), i'm not doing that anymore - it feels a little easier to chat.

[ArcticFox]

Day 22

For some reason my subs playlist that mixes masked 3 hours into ultras then wakes me up with masked has stop working. Each night it has just repeated the first song (ultra) rather then the whole playlist.

So for the last 2 nights I have done 8 hours of ultras straight through the night and each day I have been very short tempered and generally irritable and angry.

• I've just had 2 bad nights sleep
  
• The subs are more effecting when just ultra so getting less rest so more tired and thus more angry
  
• My brain cant handle the 8 hour solid of ultras
  

Tonight I will fix the playlist so it switches between masked/ultra and report how I feel tomorrow. I will then switch back to just an ultra on Thursday night and see if there is a difference on Friday.

Thinking about it I'm right back into my old negative thought patterns, dwelling on past, jealous of what others have, angry, resentful, narcissistic, don't give a shit about family and f*** you attitude. I felt I was making a very slow simmering progression, but this has set me back.

Throughout my life my productivity goes from high to low normally every couple of weeks. I've been in an unproductive state for a month now and can feel my mind slowly trying to become more productive, lots of little signals. Normally I wouldn't notice this and I would just react and become super productive for a couple weeks.

I also had a big realisation that I always start stuff and never follow through with it, ever!

[maxx55]

I had a very similar experience to what you're having now when I started EPRHA. For me, I've pretty much been sticking to the ultrasonics whether on speakers or earphones. All of that is just resistance and old stuff that's still in your subconscious.

Believe me, I thought this sub was one of the worst things that have ever happened to me when I first started listening to it! Now that I just have a few days left to finish my 6 month run, I am happy to say that I have seen improvements for sure and almost all of my inner issues have been dealt with.

Whether masked or ultrasonic, just stick with it! You'll get through this!

[ArcticFox]

I had a very similar experience to what you're having now when I started EPRHA. For me, I've pretty much been sticking to the ultrasonics whether on speakers or earphones. All of that is just resistance and old stuff that's still in your subconscious.

Believe me, I thought this sub was one of the worst things that have ever happened to me when I first started listening to it! Now that I just have a few days left to finish my 6 month run, I am happy to say that I have seen improvements for sure and almost all of my inner issues have been dealt with.

Whether masked or ultrasonic, just stick with it! You'll get through this!

Thanks Maxx

It is hard, but a kinda like the challenge also. Bit like when Neo is having all that info pumped into his mind, MOAR!

[apollolux]

Double check the repeat settings on your player; I know iDevices have their indicators' differences too subtle, so make sure your repeat isn't "Repeat One" when you look.

[ArcticFox]

Day 22

For some reason my subs playlist that mixes masked 3 hours into ultras then wakes me up with masked has stop working. Each night it has just repeated the first song (ultra) rather then the whole playlist.

So for the last 2 nights I have done 8 hours of ultras straight through the night and each day I have been very short tempered and generally irritable and angry.

• I've just had 2 bad nights sleep
  
• The subs are more effecting when just ultra so getting less rest so more tired and thus more angry
  
• My brain cant handle the 8 hour solid of ultras
  

Tonight I will fix the playlist so it switches between masked/ultra and report how I feel tomorrow. I will then switch back to just an ultra on Thursday night and see if there is a difference on Friday.

Thinking about it I'm right back into my old negative thought patterns, dwelling on past, jealous of what others have, angry, resentful, narcissistic, don't give a shit about family and f*** you attitude. I felt I was making a very slow simmering progression, but this has set me back.

Throughout my life my productivity goes from high to low normally every couple of weeks. I've been in an unproductive state for a month now and can feel my mind slowly trying to become more productive, lots of little signals. Normally I wouldn't notice this and I would just react and become super productive for a couple weeks.

I also had a big realisation that I always start stuff and never follow through with it, ever!

It's great having a journal to look back on. After the 2 negative days I had 3 very positive days. Things the would normally make me anxious and my gut flip upside down, are still thoughts but I don't react to them negativity or with painful emotions. I'm now Just accepted them or didn't even have any feelings towards them.

I then move onto the weekend and had further problems with my Iphone playlist, the playlist played the first song then stopped instead of moving onto the next in the playlist (it didn't repeat). Anyway this resulted in a lost day on Saturday, Sunday and Monday.

Here's where it gets interesting: so this week I started off very negatively and really digging back into some of my main issues. The biggest being my spitefulness. Probably a classic example of this, I'm going on holiday this week with 10 friends. I had arranged to get a lift with one of the friends, only to be told he was taking 3 other people leaving no room for me. This is fine as there is plenty of space in other cars, but i was seriously pissed off that i was now not in this car and that my other friends were going in that car instead, they are also leaving earlier which is way better as they'll miss traffic.

BUT my reaction to this is to cancel the trip, not go with them and pretty much not see/speak to them for a long time, in my head is was pretty much forever. It feels weird typing this now as it feels such an overreaction, like it wasn't even me but at the time felt like the right thing to do. Anyway, I kept my cool in this case and rode it out, getting a lift with a couple girls Friday night so should be fun.

So that was the first bout of childish emotion that I managed to overcome. The second batch I didn't fare so well I've been a member of a forum for almost 10 years, contributing heavily to a vintage scene, and pretty much have detailed my journey in that scene in my posts. Also helping a lot of other users during that time, I was up to almost a 1000 posts. Anyway, one of my posts got deleted - a check list, ticking them off once I had found them in the "wanted Forum".

So I asked the moderators where it had gone, the guy wasn't that helpful and fairly blunt but gave me the answers. So it turned out there is an auto prune function that removed my post after 90 days of inactivity, I asked the guy where this was posted - to which he pointed me too with a sh*t attitude. This really pissed me off, so again I had the f*ck you then I'm leaving, not going to see me a gain attitude. (This isn't a new emotion for me, I have it regularly through my life but never react to it).

I start going through my posts starting with my first one in 2007 either deleting them (if possible) or replacing the title and comments with an asterisks, and deleting pictures. Thus leaving the posts meaningless and useless. After removing the first couple I was thinking "Dude, this is stupid, WTF are you doing?", but I kept removing my posts/comments as the red mist was still in control. Like the emotion is on the surface rather than buried deep inside?

I get to the last few and I’m still thinking "WTF this makes no sense, I actually like this forum - I've got friends here and I've contributed for almost 10 years, this is almost a part of me!" but I just kept going with what the other half of me thought, “well you've started and there’s no going back so you might as well finish!”

It almost felt good, like being naughty and somehow knowing that there would be a reaction from people. So now I’m left with a forum that I will never go back on (probably can’t), and felling pretty stupid – but in some way kind of relieved? It’s all very strange. In both cases I have been close to doing them before now, and have had those types of thoughts regularly so it’s nothing new. But I’ve never actually gone ahead and followed through, I’ve been close.

This tells me that the subs are doing their thing, really pulling out my bad emotional / childish habits.

This is probably a typical syndrome/case for psychologists, does anyone here have a label for this type of behaviour?

[ArcticFox]

My latest post is here. I was going to put it here but was better suited to my intro page. Link to my Intro Post and ramblings http://subliminal-talk.com/thread-5785.html

[ArcticFox]

Day 30
Days completed 15
Days missed = 15

So I need to do another 23 days to complete my 1st round of EPRHA I'm planning on doing at least 3 rounds so this could take me a while!!

What I've learnt so far is that the first 30 days is mostly trail and error based around getting a decent set-up that works consistently. Now i have this down I think i can get some good consistency and runs in. I noticed the best results were from a long run of successive 8+hr sessions. At this stage I haven't even scratched the surface of this sub. I now aim to get a really decent run to finish the 23 days.

[ArcticFox]

I have been back on tinder and think its important to note that I dont think I am worthy of a lot of the girls on there, because I dont have certain material things: house, car, etc.

[Zane]

I have been back on tinder and think its important to note that I dont think I am worthy of a lot of the girls on there, because I dont have certain material things: house, car, etc.

You are worthy of everything.. my brother.

[ArcticFox]

Day 36
Days completed = 20
Days missed = 16

I have been back on tinder and think its important to note that I dont think I am worthy of a lot of the girls on there, because I dont have certain material things: house, car, etc.

You are worthy of everything.. my brother.

I have been back on tinder and think its important to note that I dont think I am worthy of a lot of the girls on there, because I dont have certain material things: house, car, etc.

It can get frustrating with Modern Day Women in General; That the Majority of Women look at 'material things' of Men... Perhaps, the Majority of Women sum up Especially, the Men's 'Ambition' Based on his assets, material things.

Thanks for the support brothers!

I guess its society that deems what people should have in terms of assets, by certain ages. **** society man! A pattern has emerged this week that typically by mid week I have a couple of 'angry day's' then by Friday I have a really good day, and feel positive. This could be due to the fact i have missed nearly every weekend of subs listening due to partying and travelling. I really want to get some long consecutive runs in, even 10+ days would be good!

Thinking of old negative loops:

• Angry at people
  
• regret I missed chance to buy a house
  
• short tempered at work
  
• havnt got time for people, their idiots
  
• pedantic to people on the phone
  
• Spiteful - still want to un-match girls on tinder because they havnt message me back.
  
• Still havnt stepped out of my comfort bubble, need to go meet new people / go on dates - but to stuck in my bubble.
  

just some of the positives (hard to list as underlying work is difficult to spot but I know its helping):

• much more productive and 'on it'
  
• slowly getting round to some chores and jobs I've put off for a while.
  
• being a bit bolder and upfront at work
  
• holding eye contact with people i walk past (girls) without feeling weird, normally i look down/away quickly
  

Note: My dreams are always different and new, I used to have very repetitive dreams

[maxx55]

Seems like you're noticing positives sooner than I did on my EPRHA run! Keep it up man, it's only a matter of time and consistency

[ArcticFox]

ARGH!

Ok, so a phone call with my parents sent me on a spiral. I'll keep it brief, it was a normal call, i told them im fine and nothing really going on, they then talk about family, moan, misery, couple good things, then goodbyes.

I wanted to call to cheer them up but i ended up being a bit of a nob and not really talking to them. I wasn't horrible in anyway but I didn't do what I wanted, which was to cheer them up! I'm smarter than that and I let my spiteful, angry side get the better of me.

Since after the call literally in my head, I'm like "f**k everything"!! Planning on staying on my own at xmas and not visiting my mum, dad, family. Same with friends, facebook, tinder, everything. Im just like "f**k all y'all".

But that attitude is in my head, so clear and so angry. Yet on the outside, in person im being normal, polite, friendly, even chatty. But the contrast to between external calm(ish) actions and internal angry, irrational emotions is night and day!

My thoughts are "are these subs actually working"?
"Can 30 minutes of affirmations on repeat really make such a big difference?
Other subs (weaker, old) ive done have given me a boost, not amplified the issues im trying to fix?"
"Is my setup ok, are the ultrasonic really working as I sleep?"

Very intersting time in terms of my progression, perhaps im experiencing the DROP in happiness and progress that Dezemoo has very kindly explained in his "Happiness scale" post?

Who knows, either way i need to use wisdom in my day to day actions as I could overstep the mark, explode, overreact, do something stupid - so im wise to it and need to stay in control.

What i Have noticed is my mind is making some really deep thoughts into why I have these problems, and what happened to me as a kid that has made me this way - some very long and deep "thinks"

Thanks for checking in!

[maxx55]

What you detailed in your last post was very similar to what happened to me. I had the same doubts and I too thought a lot about why I am the way I am and what happened to me when I was younger.
I even felt internally incongruent like you are.

Everything will get better with time. I do think using a masked track for some of the day and ultrasonic for the rest would be slightly better. I did almost all of my EPRHA hours via ultrasonic, very few through masked. But with what I'm currently on, I feel a mix of the two is the best balance.

Keep it up and stick with it