Day 212
4 months on EPRHA completed 17/03/2016 - EPRHA 1 Days completed total = 144 - 3 months (at least) of EPRHA 2.0
EPRHA 2.0 Stage 1 started 18/03/2016
Days completed total = 17
Days missed total = 1
Quite a lot to report on so apologies for the splurge, and i appreciate you may not have the time to read through this so I'll break this down into chunks.
Thoughts on EPRHA 2
Overall I've really been enjoying V2, it makes me feel good and I have lots of little pangs of happiness for no reason - these feel like the same as when I was a child and life was stress free. I know I have a long way to go and I dont know what an end game will be, at what point do i say "yeah im fixed".
I haven't been remembering dreams or having crazy ones as a lot of others report.
Couple of incidents that are significant
I think my interaction and socialising with people has really improved while on V2. I had a weekend with the family that went really well, and I felt really natural with everyone. Still not feeling 100% comfortable in my own skin and i was having some angry/negative emotions but I think these were VERY internal, normally my family can sense these but this time it felt like they were still getting good vibes from me - even when i was angry inside.
Last week I had a down day, anxiety had picked up and didn't feel as comfortable as I was before. I then realised later in the day that I had accidentally listened to EPRHA 1 the night before - not sure how much of an impact this would have had. My initial thoughts on my anxiety were that I had eaten way to much sugar and deserts the night before - cake and ice cream!!
Big night on Saturday
On Saturday i was DJing with friends for a charity event my friend put on. Great night, ended up drinking till 2am then going to a friends house to carry on partying.
To cut a long story short I told him his Sonos setup was shit, he kinda told me to leave so I did - but it was in a spiteful way I threw a tantrum and left in a huff. I had no where to stay as my friends were still at the party, so I just though I sleep outside the house until they got back, grab my stuff then go.
The important thing here is in my head I thought " that's it ive burnt the bridge to these guys, will never see them again" and had a fuck them sort of attitude. any way they called me back and I made my apologies like a man.
The point is is that this attitude where I storm off "bridge burnt" attitude I've had all my life, used to do it as a kid which involved smashing up my room as well, and has happened several times with other friends over the years in a VERY similar vein. I would love to talk to a therapist about this behaviour as I think it could be easily defined and traced back to a childhood.
EPRHA has helped me link all of these episodes together, and it is so clear now how they are identical patterns of behaviour. It seems very obvious now but this has been going on for over 20 years and I only linked them up the next day while thinking about it on the train home.
To end on a positive I was chatting to women very easily and hit on a couple, ended up kissing one for a while. I had my game face on and was sweet talking her with ease and being genuine, i would normally struggle with this. Didn't end up sleeping with her but it wasn't on my agenda, not sure why as she was very beautiful - probably some sort of fear there.
general thoughts about my life and progress
I'm having life cycles that go from being productive for 2 weeks then falling back into old habits. A lot of that has to do with diet and exercise, and alcohol. there is also a day cycle - wake up and think "run and yga tonight followed by healthy meal" and by the time I finished work "just pop into Soho and have a beer and burger" then ending up
My life hasn't changed significantly in 10 years. I'm trapped in my own loops, daily, monthly and yearly. I get all motivated and pumped up then start a new plan to change and within two weeks I'm back to my old habits - rinse and repeat.
I actually remember now that this is why I started subs in the first place, I've tried selfhelp books, audio tapes, etc, and they help but don't seem to help me make deep, permanent changes as i always loose interest. They have definitely helped me make changes, but I feel like I need to change on another level to really take my life in the right direction - and this is where my subs journey started!
A reoccurring feeling in my mind - claustrophobia
I was watching a Guns and Roses documentary, and I got that feeling of being a prisoner in my own mind/body. It occurred when i realised that those guys just lived life and went for it, with no hesitation - I got excited but felt i was limited as if im in a prison. It feels like claustrophobia but in my own mind, ive had it a number of times throughout my EPRHA journey. I think its now becoming clear that perhaps I am a prisoner of my own subconscious?
I felt the same thing when thinking about my Ex girlfriend, and had a similar experience when I was about to watch the new superman VS batman film - but that may have been due to the small crowded cinema?
And to finish (for now!)
Overall it seems it is becoming easier and clearer to see behaviours, emotions and thoughts and digest, analyse and move on from them. It's clear that some may take longer than others and wont clear straight away, but knowing its being processed is positive.
peace out!
4 months on EPRHA completed 17/03/2016 - EPRHA 1 Days completed total = 144 - 3 months (at least) of EPRHA 2.0
EPRHA 2.0 Stage 1 started 18/03/2016
Days completed total = 17
Days missed total = 1
Quite a lot to report on so apologies for the splurge, and i appreciate you may not have the time to read through this so I'll break this down into chunks.
Thoughts on EPRHA 2
Overall I've really been enjoying V2, it makes me feel good and I have lots of little pangs of happiness for no reason - these feel like the same as when I was a child and life was stress free. I know I have a long way to go and I dont know what an end game will be, at what point do i say "yeah im fixed".
I haven't been remembering dreams or having crazy ones as a lot of others report.
Couple of incidents that are significant
I think my interaction and socialising with people has really improved while on V2. I had a weekend with the family that went really well, and I felt really natural with everyone. Still not feeling 100% comfortable in my own skin and i was having some angry/negative emotions but I think these were VERY internal, normally my family can sense these but this time it felt like they were still getting good vibes from me - even when i was angry inside.
Last week I had a down day, anxiety had picked up and didn't feel as comfortable as I was before. I then realised later in the day that I had accidentally listened to EPRHA 1 the night before - not sure how much of an impact this would have had. My initial thoughts on my anxiety were that I had eaten way to much sugar and deserts the night before - cake and ice cream!!
Big night on Saturday
On Saturday i was DJing with friends for a charity event my friend put on. Great night, ended up drinking till 2am then going to a friends house to carry on partying.
To cut a long story short I told him his Sonos setup was shit, he kinda told me to leave so I did - but it was in a spiteful way I threw a tantrum and left in a huff. I had no where to stay as my friends were still at the party, so I just though I sleep outside the house until they got back, grab my stuff then go.
The important thing here is in my head I thought " that's it ive burnt the bridge to these guys, will never see them again" and had a fuck them sort of attitude. any way they called me back and I made my apologies like a man.
The point is is that this attitude where I storm off "bridge burnt" attitude I've had all my life, used to do it as a kid which involved smashing up my room as well, and has happened several times with other friends over the years in a VERY similar vein. I would love to talk to a therapist about this behaviour as I think it could be easily defined and traced back to a childhood.
EPRHA has helped me link all of these episodes together, and it is so clear now how they are identical patterns of behaviour. It seems very obvious now but this has been going on for over 20 years and I only linked them up the next day while thinking about it on the train home.
To end on a positive I was chatting to women very easily and hit on a couple, ended up kissing one for a while. I had my game face on and was sweet talking her with ease and being genuine, i would normally struggle with this. Didn't end up sleeping with her but it wasn't on my agenda, not sure why as she was very beautiful - probably some sort of fear there.
general thoughts about my life and progress
I'm having life cycles that go from being productive for 2 weeks then falling back into old habits. A lot of that has to do with diet and exercise, and alcohol. there is also a day cycle - wake up and think "run and yga tonight followed by healthy meal" and by the time I finished work "just pop into Soho and have a beer and burger" then ending up
My life hasn't changed significantly in 10 years. I'm trapped in my own loops, daily, monthly and yearly. I get all motivated and pumped up then start a new plan to change and within two weeks I'm back to my old habits - rinse and repeat.
I actually remember now that this is why I started subs in the first place, I've tried selfhelp books, audio tapes, etc, and they help but don't seem to help me make deep, permanent changes as i always loose interest. They have definitely helped me make changes, but I feel like I need to change on another level to really take my life in the right direction - and this is where my subs journey started!
A reoccurring feeling in my mind - claustrophobia
I was watching a Guns and Roses documentary, and I got that feeling of being a prisoner in my own mind/body. It occurred when i realised that those guys just lived life and went for it, with no hesitation - I got excited but felt i was limited as if im in a prison. It feels like claustrophobia but in my own mind, ive had it a number of times throughout my EPRHA journey. I think its now becoming clear that perhaps I am a prisoner of my own subconscious?
I felt the same thing when thinking about my Ex girlfriend, and had a similar experience when I was about to watch the new superman VS batman film - but that may have been due to the small crowded cinema?
And to finish (for now!)
Overall it seems it is becoming easier and clearer to see behaviours, emotions and thoughts and digest, analyse and move on from them. It's clear that some may take longer than others and wont clear straight away, but knowing its being processed is positive.
peace out!
