Apex-Predator Evolutionary Log - AM6 RE-RUN Stage 2 - Letting go

[stratos]

Dyslexic biz coach sounds like a great idea. Many great business successes, you probably know, are dyslexic.

[Dee]

Upheaval

This stage two period has been causing major upheaval in what I call me normal mental patterns. I just started having many dreams of the past and people from my past.

The other day I dreamt of my old primary school days, I remember walking past “special class” and seen this nice girl in it, I later was to attend that class for a year. I think am dealing with the past and related issues, also the last two days I have had sex related dreams since starting stage 1 of AM5.

WET DREAMS.

The dream I had a day ago had this girl with her legs wide open, saying no to me but dripping wet, the close my peanuts (lol) got to her cookie jar the further she moved it back but I finally got in here and woke up with peanut juice in my underwear.

The dream I had this morning was kinda like the same I started rubbing this women’s cookie jar and before she was going to cum or something she told me to stay away from her the closer I tried to get.

Not sure if it about rejection or persistence, but I will say one thing its always a pleasure having sex dreams. I wonder what happens in a couple when I guy or girl has a sex dream and cums while they in the same bed. Does that turn into an argument coz it’s like subconscious cheating in a way.

Self-Acceptance

I will say one thing about this stage so far I seem to be accepting myself more and more. I don’t think maturity comes with age but I notice than the influences of peer pressure and trying to fit in are quickly disappearing.

I mean I have this poetry meet-up on the weekend and as a former rapper I know my friends who still do it would see that in a weird way but it’s like I have allowed myself to do what I want regardless whereby before I would bothered by that.

Dealing with it

What’s really hard though that am been forced to deal with is my so called “learning disability”, I am a curious person and I want to learn about everything, I have so many creative projects am thinking of doing and business opportunities I can take advantage of.

I even have a trip around the world planned where I was planning to publish a travel journal and blog and do a lot of photography and videography work, I know how much it will cost and how I can raise the money to do so and how I can earn money from my travels too. But I can’t even finish one book without going to drastic measures and tearing the hair out of my sculpt.
So that’s where am at now, no where.

Solution

There’s all these courses and training and solutions but who knows if they really work, marketers will promise anything to make a sale these days, and if the products works by chance of the placebo 20% of sales after refunds is better than 0% right? So I can no longer afford to plan my life based on the promises of products. So it’s back to the drawing board. All I need to do is acknowledge my strengths and supplement my weaknesses with the support of other people.

Seen how my right brain sees the bigger picture excellently but struggles with the details. And left brainers see the details clearly but struggle with the bigger picture all things work together for good for those free of envy.

So I’ll deal with that, I was reading some journals of guys who have learnt multiple languages, and instruments and read books in short periods and I’ll like wow. How blessed some people are but do people appreciate they blesses, am probably guilty of the same thing too.

[Dee]

I was in a better mood today than yesterday so I called the presenter that called left a voice message yesterday other from that meet up. She wants to meet up for coffee, and she basically invited me to have an active role in her organisation as a speaker. I can’t believe this, I thought I was terrible, she actually said “I believe we connected like that for a reason, the universe made us meet”.

can’t believe this still my negative side is telling me she actually call up everyone and said the same thing because she needs supporters. But another part of me knows that’s not true cause I did “feel” something too and I saw something in her “click”. Plus I had to suppress many thought our sex then that same night I had a wet dream. She’s like 40 and she son is a few years younger than me, can you believe that sh*t, she looks younger tho.

I need some advice on this, cause I find it hard to separate reality of my imagination or that negative voice from the truth.

[Dee]

I can’t speak for everyone but I am beginning to believe that every single person on this earth can have their hearts desire. Matter a fact I would go as far as to say every person on this earth gets opportunities to grab they magic lamp and have they wishes come true fear and other beliefs get in the way.

Now that I know more about the mind and thoughts relation to the physical world and other people I reflected on my past and I few interesting things came up.

A few stories

In primary school (age unknown) there was this one girl that was so beautiful I would drop the ball and stop playing with other kids just to look and admire her.

Her silky straight black hair, her fair smooth complexion and bright blue eyes, the also divine like proportions of her facial features, word cannot describe much beauty. leepy:

This mixed race girl should have had a halo around her head if Da Vinci ever had the pleasure of painting her. I was a kid so it wasn’t anything intentionally “sexual” but I just felt good looking at her for some reason.

Note: A psychologists that am planning to work on a project with told me that a man’s 1st crush influences his tastes from then on wards and it seems like I’ve always been looking for a girl like her since. I know his theory is right.

Anyway years later in a different school our teacher didn’t attend on that day or something happened and the school was short staffed am not sure, but the grade 7 kids had just done there final primary school exams so we spend the day in the older kids class just fooling around and doing nothing.

Now what’s profound was at that age we were more aware of dating, sex and all that other stuff and in that same class there she was, the essence of perfection looking at me with her captivating blue eyes.

But I had my school related self-esteem issues and I was younger than her, way shorter plus there were other guys in the class room older and “better” than me etc and with every excuse I gave my energy deceased to the point I just vanish from visibility.

I Let The Opportunity Passed

Then the grade 7 kids left for high school and I never ever saw my dream girl again, the most beautifulest (is that a word?) girl I have ever seen in my entire life, still to be rivalled up to this day.

I now know that subconsciously am attracted to girls that remind me of her or of how I felt and the same pattern repeats when they show me interest, 1000 energy draining, depression inducing excuses on replay. So I “hate me self” In those situations when your prize is staring you in the face with an inviting smile and you have no energy to walk up and claim it.

AM5 is powerful

Am still paranoid that Shannon might be a CIA handler and we all been programmed to be sleeper cells awaiting activation or his using us as experiments for some government related secret research. But I must admit this program is making me deal with issues I would had lived a full life without ever addressing.

The world is only a messed up place because of peoples fear, my world is a messed up place because of my fears and when you combine another 7 billion people’s fears you have a planet called earth.

The rest of the quote in my signature:

“You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Am grateful to have the opportuny to face all my fears with the encouragement of these subs and forum members and with the support of my coaches.

My imagination is limited by fear so I can’t even imagine the kind of person I will be in a few years. Thanks though

[Dee]

I have been demotivated for the last week or longer and now am feeling like giving up. Giving up on life, am just tired of it all. I feel has if this is all just a cruel joke, I have had the opportunity to have everything I ever wanted in my life but I fucked it all up somehow. What’s the point of keeping myself in this cycle of tease, torment, depression.

I mean I still don’t feel depressed or sad as much as I feel tried and feel like quitting, eternal sleep sounds like a pretty peaceful rest at the moment. Probably the moment will pass and tomorrow will be another day but am tried of walking around in life feeling defeated, I feel dead. 7 billion people on earth and the wheel of dyslexia fell on me.

Life isn’t fair that’s what the worm said when the bird was eating it. Life is fucked up, more accurately my life is fucked up. I see no way out now, I use to get motivation by the fact I would show them when I make it, but now I know it doest matter what people think.

If my business flops I don’t know what I will do, I used to fear death before because of hell and now I don’t believe in hell. I listen to all these motivational speakers but they stuff only works for people who can learn new skills and I haven’t be able to spell properly since kindergarten. Life isn’t fair but then again who said it was supposed to be. Religion turned me into a weak person, and now that I know the myth was stolen from predating cultures its structures are falling apart in my mind.

I used to think about killing myself when I was a teen and I figured carbon car fumes, a lot of booze, sleep sedatives and all the depressing music that’s ever moved me. Before as a teen I had hope with my music and my fragile ego failed me again when my prize was staring me in the eyes with an inviting smile. Now if my business fails It would be because I failed it, as all the conditions are right.

Then I don’t know what I’ll do. I done temp work at a factory putting apples in bags, I would find it hard to concentrate after time as my mind will go far, far away from that time and place and ‘I’ll be slow or lose count a lot.

I can’t see myself working in a factory making mistakes doing work a trained money can do, then driving to a shack in a small beaten down car feeling like an idiot because of a days work, then going to be alone by myself because I can’t stop thinking about my problems long enough to enjoy the company of another person. Then I start facing the possibility that I might die alone or marry any desperate person I can get my hands on.

Then I have another life time watching my kids suffer with a learning disability I gave them, with a depressed dad who lacks in confidence marred to a women he either loves or finds attractive. That life will kill me anyway, that’s not living, and to bring kids into that life is even worst.
If you normal be grateful for that gift. Sometimes I try to cheer up self-up by reminding myself of people in poorer countries but I only feel worst because there still some normal hardworking or smart people who still date, have sex , friends, fun, find love and joy and still manage to support them selfs and they familes.

And here I am in one of the richest places on earth, where money get rich motivating others to get rich, with opputines right left and centre, free education and women from all over the world and am still a fuck up. It’s like a cruel joke the gods are playing on me and I have no will left to see how it ends. I now tomorrow I’ll be feeling different but if my business does fail because of me, I’ll be down for so long people will probably confuse me with a beggar.

Be grateful for what you have and appreciate your self more you could have been born with something fundamentally wrong with your brain or body. You still have a happy mind and you can change your thoughts and conditions, am stuck with this for life so be grateful.

[Dee]

Just so I don’t forget at any time in the future, this was all triggered at the end of the session with my coach she gave me assignments to write some stories that I can share since I have problems spending long periods of time talking to anyone. So the ones I had wrote where all about me as usual I had thought they were great but that’s expected. No problems right just write more stories I’ll need hours’ worth eventually anyway right.

Then she gave me some examples of good stories with “stuff” in it to help me with some other things I had going on, that worked nicely. Then I got my weeks assignments and BANG. I have always been insecure in my ability to learn, I still can’t say my a-z or remember how the song goes. So yeah I just naturally feel hopeless. Before I started here I had figured money could help out a lot, a relationship with a gold digger is still a relationship, I finaly understand those rich old men.

I have a chance to make a lot of money but that same insecurity is getting in the way so I have to rely on others for my success. I was suppose to be going for a poetry meetup tomorrow to share and get feedback, but I don’t think I can deal with critism right now. Plus am like a wild horse that’s just been broken I have no life left in my eyes.

[Dee]

Well I was on one yesterday, I have to deal with my learning anxieties I have no problem approaching women but give me a book with a skill I would learn from it and I have” panic attacks” followed by depression. If I get over that I will be unstoppable, in achieving my goals.

The day after

Anyway I didn’t want to wake up in the morning I just wanted to lay there and feel sorry for myself all day, so I eventually woke up at 12 and I went to the poetry meet up anyway. I was reading my peace about an angelic love story triangle and it seemed to turn this one women on, she then read one of her poem about gods seducing her with Greek myths init.

And we seemed to hit it off, she’s a teacher like 6 years older than me. After the meeting in a café we went to a pub with a few other people and we began talking about love, intimacy she told me she used to have an open relationship and that’s she’s bi.

My sex coach got me doing some techniques to focus on the positives as I was highly critical of everything and expected every women to look like a porn star, so I will say she looks like the girl next door and we have lots of things in comment. What’s interesting is she suggested in ways we could be fuck buddies a few times and grown people don’t need to play games or beat around the bush but I still didn’t know how to or have the balls to try anything and seen how I don’t drink anymore that’s a comfort zone I will have to push thru using will power.

Sweet, I’ve been out twice in the past week and I have 3 women’s numbers that are sexually interested in me I sense a trend coming on, they don’t match my criteria but practice makes improvement.

Stage 2 Impact

This stage has brought out some deep rooted issues, the last time I remember having suicidal thoughts was years ago, and it’s ridiculous as life’s filled with changes and if you keep trying and improving you’ll soon make it. well I guess my self-esteem will raise with more successes and more successes depends upon trying.

I now feel like a castrated bull, as in my drives and motivations and low, although the negative thoughts have seem to have subsided but I still feel like something has been taken out of me and left a vacuum. I wonder if it’s this mental renovation thing I titled this stage and if the next stages will reattach my balls.

[Dee]

4 days left of Stage 2

I spent the whole of Sunday, reading up on and researching inventors, scientist and the like among the races of the earth as all the books I have been reading about the mind and other motivational pieces seem to give limited examples like “Think and Grow Rich”.

All I can say is I have one less insecurity now, it’s amazing how guys like Edison get glorified but no one mentions people like Granville Woods, I didn’t know this guy existed till yesterday despite is accomplishments in the days when inventors where like rockstars.

I am slowly running out of excuses soon I will have no choice but to live my life to the fullest as all of my fears will be proven to be false and my limitations illusions.

AM Back to Back

Also I was thinking of running AM5 again as a supplement for BYBH and MSL, then running AM6 after that, as am sure from where I started from I will need more than one run, but time will decide depending on the results I get. I need to find a trend of some one who has run AM back to back.

Sex Dreams

I had a dream of this girl I knew back in the day, we where friends but i didn't hook up with her because she wasn't hot enough for me even thought i like her on a personal level. Is AM5 going to make me comfortable with sleeping with average looking females? I have no clue whats going on but it is what it is.

[Dee]

I didn’t do much today, I have started getting headaces atfer spending a few mins on the PC and this has slowed dow my work load. I have to go get my eyes checked sometime this week.

Soon I’ll be a Nerd in appearcance glad am at the age that ave out grown the potential issues that could create. Spent to many hours on the PC putting this business together and trying to find ways of “fixing” my self at the cost of my eye sight soon I’ll have money to laser surgiry thought and I’ll take better care of my self as my self love is inceasing.

I take it back

There is nothing good that can come out of bad emotions, and in hindsight it was foolish for me to use negativity as fuel coz I may acaeive the goal but at a costly price. Its unfortunate that most professional coaches and the like still use negatives as motivation.

Glad you asked! Being obsessed with success and allowing it to happen are two different things. Whether it's business, women, etc. Allow it to happen naturally rather than out of desperation. Passion and desperation, neediness are different. Geodude maybe you can help me out here.

Tap on "obsessed", putting in un necessary work, not having synergy etc.
Thanks, Fonzy

I moved from having to get “obsessed” to been calm and relaxed in a faithful state of “what ever will be will be”. I no longer have a need to try and control uncontrolable things, like sessions. The way I see it is that am changing at the speed of change no faster nor slower, growing like a bamboo plant and theres a session for everything.

When I say I have no motivation I think what I mean is I have no negative motovation lol. It totally makes sense now. Like a guy who works hard to buy a car to impress a girl, the moment he doesn’t need to impress anyone he might stop working hard.

Well I’ll see what happens in the next stages maybe I’ll find new drives or the program will give me positive reasons to be successful, I was reading the BAMM PDF and I cant wait to start on it. I still have low sex drive too and I have no urge to seek out females. Well overall this is better than the “obsessed” states I used to be in, its way more ZEN and peaceful. “What ever will be will be, I’ll do the best that I can and then see”

[Fonzy3]

Whoa that's awesome man. I'm so proud of you, happy to hear that. I'm quite familiar with that motivational state you described, what it comes down to is that has your reason for doing what is necessary to get the car changed? Haha man I wish you all the best with BAMM and the sex subs. I think the next step from being in more of a zen stage is being someone that welcomes change.

It's awesome having you post here man. Keep it up.

Thanks

Fonzy

[Dee]

I think the next step from being in more of a zen stage is being someone that welcomes change.

I am not really sure about most of the goals I once had, I wanted to sleep with many women mainly because of all that porn in my head since I stopped I have stopped seen every women as a potential sex object.

I wanted lots of money so that I didn’t feel so dumb and now that my insecurities about that are been channelled and destroyed, I see money as a “thing” to get what I want (physical and experimental) not as an end goal.

Which leaves me where. I know I can’t be the only person who has had to rethink they entire futures because of these subs. And it’s just stage 2, it’s a really clear feeling to want a thing because you really want it and not because of some insecurity urging you on to fulfil its own base desires. Yep change is really scary, and it kinda feels like am losing something or that am killing a part of me for a wish to be someone else.

Lots of excuses to tap on already, cool idea thanks, am sure Shannon added something to do with change in AM5 at stage 1-2 to deal with resistance. Change is a Big one

[Dee]

2 days till the heavy stuff

I am not sure what to expect in the next few days on Stage 3 but I know it will take me to a whole new level and I might get a new found need to be excellent and filled with passion in everything I do, if not stage 2 then at some point soon.

I woke up late again today and passed up on my ritual, am not as bothered as I once was if I keep trying I will crack this hard nut. It seems that most of my procrastination was a clever scheme to not do the things I feared (criticism, failure, success) so that too will fade with time. And the more richer my life gets will be the more zeal I will have for living and the tasks will do me instead of me doing them.

I once heard a saying “The normal course of life is downstream but everything good is upstream”, so I wouldn’t say I’ve given up or quit on going upstream, am still building the stamina to ensure I get there then I try.

Beside that the “Science To Been Great” has been really good for my morale this past few days, I have been tapping and going some guided imagery on it. I now know that if I stick to all my brain training and spelling intervention programs I will build those neuron networks I need have to be the person I have to be in the next few years and all the occurrences inbeweet don’t have to bother me at all, because am growing every day. I mean I do have personal prove that am changing/improving, so I now see my brain as an instrument for my mind and I can develop it/ fine tune it as much as I want and I still have the resources of my mind to use if I learn how.

Its actually a weird feeling to know that you can have everything you ever wanted, even though I know its true a part of me still wants to argue with myself, which reminds me.

Dream Journal,

Part 1 - I had a dream I was with this sexy girl I have never seen her before but she was close to my “dream girl”. She had her legs open as she sat on a bed, then I began playing she her where her lovely legs met. As dreams go a clip went missing and all of a sudden there was two of me. The other me seemed to be needy and critical in the way he was holding her with hints of jealousy and negativity, and every time I tried to go towards this women the other be would c*ck block me, then the dream ended. First dream that I have ever met myself like that, weird. Also if it means I c*ck block myself because of those attitudes then …….

Part 2 – I also had a dream that I saw y self from a energetic point of view, I was a vision of splendour my eyes radiated with this energy that was captivating and it demanded attention;my entire body was made of light and power and love. And I remember my inner dialog “wow is this what I look like to other people”. best self esteem booster I have ever heard of, courtesy of the Sub-Mind.

Work hard then work again

The research that our sales projections will be based upon are almost done, an issue came up and it will take 80+ hours to complete. I called up my consultant/coach to suggest any solutions as he has been paid to create the financials for the business, he began going on about all these terms and although I understand the model we are using to create the projections conceptually, I do not understand it in detail. To say I hate maths would be an understatement.

At that moment of confusion I feel a mild feeling of “depression” but it fazed where before I would be writing a long post about how hard my life is or something. I tend to remember times when the consultant didn’t understand tech terms or processes, no one can know all things all the time. And I think I am coming to terms with that. Stage 2 has been epic, that why am happy I decided to write in this journal because I tend to feel like I was always this way but I have made drastic improvements, this couple of months, and I’ll be amazed when I summarise AM5 at the end of stage 6.

Also I don’t feel the need to try and act smart to cover up the fact I feel I am not, its caused me many unneassary hardships in the past with keeping up with lies and doing lots of un needed things to try and impress people. I feel more comfortable asking people to explain when I don’t understand without fear of judgement and now I am more happy to delegate all the tasks am not ready to do at the moment and live a stressfree life while I build my neuro networks and skills, whereas before I would be stressing about all my weaknesses.

Yep fear can limit your reasoning ability:@ and make you do foolish things as you will not see the simple easy solution standing behind your fear.

[Dee]

Went to the optician today, he said my eyes are fine, I have very good eyesight he said, my next appointment is in 06/02/2016. Here I was walking around for like 2 years in the world thinking everybody would see better than me and that I had poor vision, I would have argued with the guy but he was wearing a Jewish so I left it. If there’s a lesson a learnt today is I think I may have unrealistic beliefs about life and unrealistic expectations not only for myself but for others too.

I had not used buses since high school and I forgot how it all works, so the other day I signalled a bus to stop, after I realised the buses stop anyway on they own accord and the driver can see you standing there anywhere, I felt stupid. Now I see people everywhere signalling buses with their hands and it makes me wonder why I make myself feel all these unpleasant emotions when it’s totally unnecessary.

As they say “you live and you learn”, imagine your favourite genius feeling stupid every time he makes mistakes to the point he starts to judge his mental ability, its unthinkable but I bet it happens, according to Tony’s research positive thinking and attutibes affect intelligence and genius are optimistic all the time about everything that’s why they find solutions when everyone else gives up in a hopeless rant. I’ll try and remember that the next time I lean towards feeling stupid.

Aborted on a date/meetup

That teacher women texted me today in the afternoon asking if we were still meeting up tomorrow and if I wanted to come out tonight for a Jam Night at a pub in the town centre.

Crap I thought to myself, and my imagination flashed pictures of arward silence and boredom then judgement and rejection. Damamerson did warn me about these type of issues coming up. Problem is I don’t just have it with girls it’s a over the board type of thing. From having ADD, to been introverted and moving countries and cities every few years since I was young, I tend to entertain myself and refer my own company to the company of others.

Even with my close friends I find it difficult to have a long one to ones so I normally hang in groups. I tend to fluctuate from been presence with the people to going in my head and then else where and went it’s a one on one it find it impossible to stay with that person for long. So I should probably look for events that are active and require the lease amount of speaking. While I deal with my ADD and building up stories and knowledge of things people find interesting like football etc.

Anyway that’s cool about it is I did not make excuses to myself and create a dramatic scene and start feeling sorry for myself. I have identified the issue and possible solutions and I will now execute it.

Things to do

Mental rehearsal - I will ask my coach to create for me a custom hypnosis recording using my processing schema.
Story Telling – my coach gave me assignments on this last week I franked out till now
__________ - can’t think right now, bed time

Its intimating but I’ll get there I still have another 12 – 18 months before I begin Women and Sex magnet plus mastering social skills will help me over the board in everything not just women

[Dee]

LAST NIGHT OF STAGE 2

Cool day again I didn’t do as much as I could have liked, I woke up at 10am and didn’t do much of the stuff on my new ritual. We had one candidate for my our business but the person didn’t fit the role, hopefully before the end of the month we will find the perfect person, I registered the business in April 2013 and would like to launch it before April this year, for morale reasons. If I can find the right person I won’t have to struggle with my ADD and having to get obsessed to get the work done. I am actuality more happy than I think I have ever been and this year will be the most memorable of my life. Besides overcoming some major issues, stopping smoking, drinking, porn and masturbation.

The negative voices in my head have stopped I have overcome religious fears of hell and demons. I am actually going out and socialising with people without the aid of drugs, life is good. Soon my business I put blood, sweat and tears in will be off the ground and I will pick a person to manage it while I build up my other business plans, this is so amazing, I want to cry tears of joy. Last year this time I never thought I could ever feel so good about life and other people and myself. Am so grateful but I don’t know how to express this gratitude.

As part of my business goals I have set plans to directly sponsor orphans (I don’t trust charities) in all around the world but starting in Africa, it will cost about $1500 to support 10 kids per month inclusive of everything and in about 1 year of trading we’ll be able to support about 100 kids. I have got so much support and assistance along the way I can never repay it with money but this way I can express my gratitude by “passing it forward” whatever “it” that will be my thank you to God and the Universe.

Older women dilemma

I don’t know if it’s due to watching porn at an early age and having all the porn starts be older than I was but I seem to like older women. My relationship coach as told me the story of “Don Jon” the movie then she proposed that she could “explore” together, no strings attached, not to mention she been seducing me the whole time I literary get hard. It fucked up she miles away in the states and I don’t know when I will have enough dividends from my projects to travel, she has some seminars in the UK soon tho, about exotic hypnosis and tantra.

Beside her I have the teacher women who was telling me how she’s a freak in the bedroom and India women who says she loves me and we made a deep connection. And it’s only been like two weeks and I’ve been out socially twice.

Shit man when I start going out more often, become alpha and do sex magnet I just know I will I’ll be swining in oceans of sex and turning it down on the daily, it’s a bit scary if I must say so myself. Someone should have told me back in the day when I was depressed and suicidal that my life would turned out like this, but then again I won’t have believed. I know all my dreams, hopes and wishes will come to pass but still it’s hard to believe even tho I know if that makes any sense at all.