Antaeus' AM6 Reboot Journal

[Antaeus]

Ok so after dealing with the mishap of my iPod nano shitting out on me. I have procured a replacement MP3 player (SanDisk sport clip) which honestly is not that bad aside from the primitive interface which makes it hard to navigate.

That being said, I've said "fuck it". I've decided I can only do so much planning for something until I've hammered it into the ground like a railroad spike. I've done enough planning, I've asked enough questions. Today I am restarting AM6 and continuing to move forward. No more games no more bullshit. So without further ado:

Stage1, Day 1:

Just listening two hours on headphones. Taking a nap. Not much else. More to come, I suppose.

Positive side note: passed my class with a B.

[Antaeus]

Nothing profound really happened today. But some thoughts crossed my mind that are worth noting.

At the store I work at there is this lady that has been a regular customer with her mother for years. Probably even before I started working there 11 years ago. She supposedly suffered brain damage or the like from a bad car wreck many years ago. She's a nice lady, but definitely not all there, I mean that in the most respectful way of course. But it got me to thinking when I was still a cashier, many years ago, the people who were working the customer service booth would, whenever this lady came in, toss any loose change they had on the floor to watch her basically flip out and collect the change off the floor rather eagerly. "Ooh mine! mine!" Or the like is what she would say when running to pick up the change. All the while the kids in the customer service booth are getting a kick out of it laughing their asses off. This was many years ago.

All of this got me thinking one thing: most people out in the world are out for their own amusement and their own benefit. And many times not even the most helpless among us are safe.

Sometimes I just think: I really hate people.

All of it takes me back to some people in my life who have either clowned on me or taken advantage of me for their own gain.

No reason to be bitter I suppose but definitely good reflection material for my growth.

[DavisMind91]

Nothing profound really happened today. But some thoughts crossed my mind that are worth noting.

At the store I work at there is this lady that has been a regular customer with her mother for years. Probably even before I started working there 11 years ago. She supposedly suffered brain damage or the like from a bad car wreck many years ago. She's a nice lady, but definitely not all there, I mean that in the most respectful way of course. But it got me to thinking when I was still a cashier, many years ago, the people who were working the customer service booth would, whenever this lady came in, toss any loose change they had on the floor to watch her basically flip out and collect the change off the floor rather eagerly. "Ooh mine! mine!" Or the like is what she would say when running to pick up the change. All the while the kids in the customer service booth are getting a kick out of it laughing their asses off. This was many years ago.

All of this got me thinking one thing: most people out in the world are out for their own amusement and their own benefit. And many times not even the most helpless among us are safe.

Sometimes I just think: I really hate people.

All of it takes me back to some people in my life who have either clowned on me or taken advantage of me for their own gain.

No reason to be bitter I suppose but definitely good reflection material for my growth.

This post reminds me of many times I reflected on negative aspects of human nature during the early stages of AM6. Be prepared to potentially experience more insights like this. Reminiscing on how others treated you negatively will now be a chance for you to look back and learn how to establish a stronger you for the future.

[JCasterlin]

Nothing profound really happened today. But some thoughts crossed my mind that are worth noting.

At the store I work at there is this lady that has been a regular customer with her mother for years. Probably even before I started working there 11 years ago. She supposedly suffered brain damage or the like from a bad car wreck many years ago. She's a nice lady, but definitely not all there, I mean that in the most respectful way of course. But it got me to thinking when I was still a cashier, many years ago, the people who were working the customer service booth would, whenever this lady came in, toss any loose change they had on the floor to watch her basically flip out and collect the change off the floor rather eagerly. "Ooh mine! mine!" Or the like is what she would say when running to pick up the change. All the while the kids in the customer service booth are getting a kick out of it laughing their asses off. This was many years ago.

All of this got me thinking one thing: most people out in the world are out for their own amusement and their own benefit. And many times not even the most helpless among us are safe.

Sometimes I just think: I really hate people.

All of it takes me back to some people in my life who have either clowned on me or taken advantage of me for their own gain.

No reason to be bitter I suppose but definitely good reflection material for my growth.

This post reminds me of many times I reflected on negative aspects of human nature during the early stages of AM6. Be prepared to potentially experience more insights like this. Reminiscing on how others treated you negatively will now be a chance for you to look back and learn how to establish a stronger you for the future.

I'm having that with E2 . I have really started become aware of unhealthy or toxic behavior in others. I especially look back at my own reactions or responses & ask myself " was that beneficial , necessary , or the best response? "

[Antaeus]

Another thought has crossed my mind. This happened many years ago (November 2010) but it still creeps up on me to this day. Back in college one year there was this girl I had a crush on for a short time. She was in a sorority next door to us. And I had asked her to our Fall Formal and somehow she knew I liked her and made in known to me in no uncertain terms that she did not feel the same way. She did however agree to go as just a friend. Which in all honesty I respected her decision to not reciprocate those feelings and made peace with it rather instantly. Thing is when Formal came and as soon as we arrived at the venue, she pretty much ignored me the whole night.

Now don't get me wrong. She certainly didn't owe it to me to talk to me. And I had even told her that I didn't want her to feel obligated to go if she didn't want to.

But I always ask myself: Why?

Why did I invest myself into this person who was in no way invested into me?

Why did I not try to find someone who would have actually wanted to go with me?

Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly when I could easily have found someone who would've been more receptive to me and would actually have at least tried to have a good time with me?

Why would this person waste my time like that and why did I allow it?

Why did she agree to go with me (even as a "friend") if she was just gonna blow me off the entire night? What? Out of pity?

Why did I even go to that stupid formal to begin with?

Why did I even like this girl (that I really want know)?

Why did I not just take a taxi home and just abandon that event altogether? I didn't even drive that night.

Why does this still bother me? Even eight years later? No wait...I already know the answer to that...

It's not even her that's the problem. It's me. I'm totally embarrassed to say that I waited for her that entire night like a fucking puppy just to chat and have a good time. No agenda. No games. She already made it clear she wasn't attracted to me. I took the hint and at least tried to be amicable.

Fuck me.

That whole night was so beta on my part it makes me sick thinking about it.

[Antaeus]

Another thought has crossed my mind. This happened many years ago (November 2010) but it still creeps up on me to this day. Back in college one year there was this girl I had a crush on for a short time. She was in a sorority next door to us. And I had asked her to our Fall Formal and somehow she knew I liked her and made in known to me in no uncertain terms that she did not feel the same way. She did however agree to go as just a friend. Which in all honesty I respected her decision to not reciprocate those feelings and made peace with it rather instantly. Thing is when Formal came and as soon as we arrived at the venue, she pretty much ignored me the whole night.

Now don't get me wrong. She certainly didn't owe it to me to talk to me. And I had even told her that I didn't want her to feel obligated to go if she didn't want to.

But I always ask myself: Why?

Why did I invest myself into this person who was in no way invested into me?

Why did I not try to find someone who would have actually wanted to go with me?

Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly when I could easily have found someone who would've been more receptive to me and would actually have at least tried to have a good time with me?

Why would this person waste my time like that and why did I allow it?

Why did she agree to go with me (even as a "friend") if she was just gonna blow me off the entire night? What? Out of pity?

Why did I even go to that stupid formal to begin with?

Why did I even like this girl (that I really want know)?

Why did I not just take a taxi home and just abandon that event altogether? I didn't even drive that night.

Why does this bother me so much? Even 8 years later? No wait I know the answer to that...

It's not even her that's the problem. It's me. I'm totally embarrassed to say that I waited for her that entire night just to chat and have a good time. No agenda. No games. She already made it clear she wasn't attracted to me. I took the hint and at least tried to be amicable.

**** me.

That whole night was so beta on my part it makes me sick thinking about it.

[Antaeus]

This insight is nothing new but something else that crossed my mind.

There was an instance about three and a half years ago where I requested some transcripts from my college. The way it works is you send them a request form via email or fax a few days in advance and you go to the school to pick it up. Now the university I attended is just less than an hour and a half away from where I live. It's manageable but still not a drive I really want to be making on my off day. So a few days after I had emailed them my request for three transcripts I made the drive up there and asked the girl at the desk for my transcripts that I had requested in advance.

She handed me one, not three, but one envelope. And proceeded with her side conversation with what I assume was her coworkers.

I was confused and politely asked her about it, she cut me off saying, "No that's all I've got" in that sort of "I don't want to be bothered with you. Go away I'm having a conversation" sort of tone.

Inside I was pissed. But what did I do? I walked away, with my tail between my legs not wanting to rock the boat.

I stayed in town because I was meeting a friend for lunch later that day. And I stopped at the local bookstore and looked around. I called mom in that meantime and what happened the transcripts made its way into the conversation. I explained to her what happened, she said to me over the phone something along the lines of:

"No Eric! She was being an ass! Call those people and get things straight! You need to stand up for yourself!"

So I called the same office and spoke to someone higher up and explained the situation. She said, "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. This should not have happened. Stop by our office and we'll reprint them for you." In all of that I never even mentioned that I was mistreated by the girl at that front desk. I don't know to this day why I didn't call her out to her supervisor. Probably just afraid to be "that guy".

How pitiful...it took egging on from my mother to stand up for myself and get done what I needed to get done. For something that I needed, not wanted but needed.

Could I say that I'm even beta?

It is my hope that AM6 will deal with all of these issues within myself.

[Antaeus]

I was sent earlier to go pick up some food for the family. Mom sent me with her card and notified the restaurant that I'd be picking it up.

When I arrived there to pick it up, I notified the girl at the counter that I was picking up an order under my moms name.

She said jokingly, "Oh that's why she sent you. This order's pretty expensive." (It was $70 worth of barbecue.)

I smirked and responded "What can I say? I'm a growing boy". She of course laughed a little bit.

Though nothing too significant came of this interaction, I was still rather surprised by my own response and felt pretty good about it.

Usually I'd give some lame logical response but the sense of humor component definitely shined.

I definitely think that was the sub doing its thing.

[Zane]

Soon u r gonna be a "Smooth Operator"

[Antaeus]

I've said it before. Being successful with women is not the primary reason I got AM6 but I welcome those changes with open arms. I definitely look forward to the enhancement in social skills. At the very least I hope to reduce, if not eliminate, social awkwardness from my life. I definitely saw some improvements just in that conversation alone.

[Antaeus]

So I just realized in my last comment I was subtly refusing to own my sexual nature. This is something I think I always had a problem with. Look forward to tackling this.

[Antaeus]

So it just dawned on me: it's very subtle and sneaky but my mind is trying to come with any and every excuse to quit doing the program. Deep down I know I shouldn't quit. but somehow I think my subconscious is trying to trick my emotions by getting me to feel like change is hopeless or that it'll be impossible once I get a full time job (more on that in a second), which I know is complete bull-shit and nothing more than an excuse.

I just recently applied at a nuclear power plant about half an hour from where I live. Kinda nervous but I'm glad I took the first step.

Also a job opening came up at a major oil refinery about 1.5 hours from where I live. I got an email about the job posting from my advisor and there are 7 openings. I'm really struggling to get myself to fill out the application and go for it. Even if I don't necessarily qualify. I believe with these sort of things there is fear operating underneath the surface. I don't know where this fear stems from but it has stopped me from reaching out for many things that I want in life. This includes the possibility of dating. I can't say I've ever directly approached a girl for a date in my life. But I digress.

This fear is something I know I must deal with head on.

This is a real breakthrough. I think I'm starting to recognize where my resistance is.

[Antaeus]

Overcame the fear sent a job app to the oil company.

[Adrien Silva]

Overcame the fear sent a job app to the oil company.

Hope you get accepted.