Ampers&'s Alpha Male Journal [COMPLETE]

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 15

Fast day, but I ate around 5:30pm. Back on the wagon tomorrow, with gym and whatnot.

I feel mild depression, or is it disatisfaction? I'm not very satisfied with my life again, much like at the end of Stage 2. We all know what that means? Probably some drastic action and epic life makeover.

But seriously, I can't find satisfaction from zoning out with some video games, or listening to this audio book or that audio book. I spent roughly 3-4 hours working on my research project, and I felt that same feeling in my chest.

I feel anxiety in my chest, and I feel stuck in general. That "100 Day Challenge" sounds like a viable option. It'll start up near the end of Stage 5 for me.

For now, I can only do what I know to do, and look for other options to propel me forward.

Being at my parent's house, I don't have the same routine; waking up whenever, and not practicing music or languages as much as I do at home.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, It's Day 18 already?!

I'm back at my apartment after a long day of travel. I didn't post for the last couple of days. Here's a summary of my insights:

- I was a pretty creepy guy for much longer than I'd let myself admit; I probably still have some residual creepiness that has to be phased out.

- On a related note, I don't blame women for dating the guys that they like, instead of guys that creep them out, as much as I wished for different. I'm in favour of the notion that there should be more overall-awesome guys around.

- If you don't lead a conversation, you might get sucked into someone's agenda pretty easily, and it gets increasingly harder to get out of it

- Speaking in your target language does more for you than any other modality (listening, reading, etc.)

- Don't jerk off too much; that's probably brain fluid that comes out, cause you start to sound like someone with a mid-double-digit IQ

- On a completely unrelated note, I've come to realise the importance of family, and that I must take some initiative to make contact as well.

- I'll be 22 in about 15 days; that's "old", to the point where my childhood antics are no longer "cute". It's time to behave as a grownup.

- Habits depend on location and cues; upon returning home for my reading week, I adopted most of the habits I used to have back home, especially going to bed late and waking up late.

Going home, I feel pretty beta in general. But I also realise how far I've come in mindset, with inner strength. It's especially around women where I feel my weakness; don't really want to talk with them at times. But I want to connect with women; not knowing how to read the signs might be stunting me. Perhaps they aren't even throwing them. Sometimes, I just want to fuck some women to break some sort of curse that I think I have. I realise that I will eventually completely smash this bs, since I will be working through SM3.0 after this and Life Tune Up.

The occasional frustration I feel would be similar to a UFC fighter being good at ground game, but not actually being able to finish the fight (via submission or knockout). It's being 95% there, but not ever getting to 100% cause I don't know how.

My melatonin pill is kicking in, so I will go pass out and wake up refreshed.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 19,

Got up despite tired, hit the gym. Rushed to get home, shower, make lunch, and picked up a library book.
Went to work; I kept getting comments about how refreshed I looked. Didn't feel that way.
"The Last of Us: Left Behind" has gripped me emotionally; this is a video game, but so very cinematic and powerful. It represents not only a story, but many of the very promonent positive aspects of the human condition. So I had emotionally left part of myself in this masterpiece, and of course, it was on my mind for most of the work day.

Feeling some sort of logical misogyny; basically got over that. It's not even emotional distain, simply logical "step up your game" way of thinking that shows up every so often.
At what age did "boys rule, girls drool" or "girls rule, boys drool" stop being some sort of cute rivalry and became evil and sexist?

Doing a lot of school work, and I'm hoping that it all pays off.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 21 @ 4PM

I seem to have fallen upon some deep pain; loss of motivation, crying.
Funny enough, I finished watching a playthrough of "Beyond: Two Souls"; did you know that this game has 24 endings. They modeled Ellen Page for the character. It presses intensely upon the subject of death and the afterlife. Of course, there is often deep pain there.

Since I finished all my school obligations for a while (had a midterm this morning, went pretty well), I will have a lot of free time for 3-4 days, but I don't have the desire to do anything. Watching all these videos is probably excapism, anyways. There simply seems to be a great void in my life. This sub may be forcing me to face pain that I didn't heretofore have the courage to face.

I'm FasterEFT tapping to try to clear this thing.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 21 @ 10PM

So I went to work, and for the first 2-3 hours, it was very hard to control my emotions; I was holding back intense grief, and had to go to the washroom once to vent a bit.

For a brief moment, I became suicidal; I didn't see the point of anything. I started thinking of ways that I could go about doing it. I was thinking: since our decisions usually wind up hurting other people, why should I continue making decisions? ***GUYS, I'm fine now***

I knew very well that doing that would be an intensely stupid thing to do, based off of no more than 4 hours of feelings. Those feelings did feel like the depths of hell.

That was a VERY intense patch, but it could've been caused by the aftermath of a cheat day, a short night of sleep, a midterm in the morning, or simply resistance to this sub.

I have taken the steps to reduce the emotion, and I will continue to reduce the emotion into oblivion if and when it returns.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 22

I hardcore slept in. I was supposed to awaken at 5:15. I decide to sleep in a little, and ultimately become conscious again at 10:00am. I felt completely lazy, and unmotivated for the next little while. Despite this, I muster up some momentum and hit the gym. Fortunately, I have the day off, so my schedule was inconsequential.

I put in a good workout, sweat it out. I missed out on approaching a cute asian girl; I told myself that I wasn't 100% attracted to her, so it wouldn't be genuine. (**Shannon commented on this in another's thread).

But I felt much better than before when I get home; I pull through my class notes, get caught up a little bit, and then I have my meals and then I start practicing...

I've noticed so much improvement in my musical ability; vocals and acoustic guitar seperately. When I put them together, I notice less power, but individually, it is much better, much more fluid. This is likely due to the Maximum Learning Speed subliminal.

I no longer relate to the feelings that I held yesterday. I've actually felt feelings of love more deeply in contrast to yesterday's. A great tip is: is you're feeling depressed, make yourself angry

I need to start approaching more women to be more in tune to what I want. And as a public service, and all.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 23

Hit the gym hard. I don't seem to see many women with whom I'm attracted.
Get home, review my school work, practice voice and guitar.

I go to a language learning event in the evening, and I spend an easy 3 hours there, I make a few friends. Great!

Not much to report, except that I have an interview tomorrow, for a job that I really don't care to have. I might as well show up, as it's nearby, and will help me at my interviewing skillz.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 24,

This morning showed me that I have willpower; I had far too little sleep, and was seriously tempted to call off the entire morning ritual at 5:30 in the morning. The longer you stay awake, the more you don't want to go back to bed. I felt terrible, but I made for that with a nap at 11:30.

Sleeping enough is one of the only things where I need to modify my lifestyle. Either that or nap more to compensate.

I went to the interview; I had a good report with the guy (I had previously met). The job doesn't seem that bad, I may consider it once I can evaluate my options. I'm going to a job fair, though it's related to foreign travel (not my focus).

New habits are forming on their own, especially taking the time to do ear training, which seems tedious and almost pretencious, but it's actually so exciting to think of the results; once you develop your ear to Perfect Pitch (recognize any tone, any chord from any instrument), you can begin to learn theory just by listening to music. Now that's exciting!

Nevertheless, I practiced 3-4 hours today on various things, with various degrees of focus. I even came up with a cool percussive run for the song 'Footloose'.

I went to wine and cheese with my faculty; I was late as I had done an online quiz for one of the classes. Some of the girls in other years are pretty cute; I just never see them. Once I push a little bit, I could simply go up to whoever and say hi. Felt a bit reserved and insecure at the beginning though.

Tomorrow, I'm seeing this guy in concert: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_i2pbDSmVnU
Looking forward to it. I might try to ask him how he went about practicing and how he got as good as he is.

[Ampersnd]

Working through some sort of awkwardness/mild social anxiety; one feeds into the other. Mild stuttering and discomfort. This might be 'Stage 4' ending emotion. Stage 1 was depression, Stage 2 was anger, Stage 3 was grief.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 25(24)

Woke up, slept in. Don't like the fact that I did that, but I felt better for doing that when I woke up.
I hit the gym, and I feel slower, though I am using heavier weights.

I practiced music, and I notice improvement. I went to a career fair, but it was more of a postsecondary fair for foreign travel; it was alright.

I go to Matt Andersen's concert, and was blown away; absolutely fantastic performer. I picked up a bunch of things for my own performance. The opening act was really good too, and gives me confidence that I could do something like that, given that I'm quickly approaching his performance levels.

Matt signed my ticket, we took a picture together, and he answered a question I had on practice; he simply said to practice songs that are slightly out of your reach. Really cool.

A friend of mine stayed over, which is why I didn't play Alpha Male overnight, so I'm going to play it a technical 33 days.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 25,

My friend left at 8AM, I slept in until 11AM. I felt mildly guilty about getting up as late as I did.
I generally wasted time between 11 and 1, then I finally went to campus to a very secluded study room with a specific program on that computer; a processor program. I read a lot of the book "Mastery" by Robert Greene, I'm in 170 pages out of 310.

Looking to finish that before I read 'Millionaire Fastlane', and apply those concepts until I start earning money, and then passive income. I am becoming very entrepreneurial now, at least in what I could offer to other people. I mentioned the learning program, but it's not in line with where I'm headed. I've got an idea related to automating guitar teaching, so I'll see what happens in my brain once I read the book.

I've previously tried to sell songwriting books that I've written, but I never checked if anybody wanted them in the first place. So I never tested them and spend a whole bunch of time creating content and programs that no one bought (except for a couple sales). If I approach this properly, ask people on forums and people that I meet, I could really be in a good position. Plus, people are getting good value where they previously couldn't.

I wasted some time today, which is fine, but I'd like to learn what I should instead. Once again, perhaps the 100 Day Challenge will clear that up, given that it's continuous and driven action.

I spent a lot of time writing my goals for the entire year (until roughly March 1, 2015), writing my life goals.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 26

Today was a very good day; nothing significant, but I had fun.
Woke up around 9:45 and started my cheat day; I ate 11 Gamecube-disc-sized Krispy Kreme style donuts, an 8 by 8 inch pan cake, burger and fries, cola, and pizza by the end of today.
I worked on a project, and then ear training and practice, then headed to work.

My mind was wrapped up in possibilities, but is somehow also fixated on mastery. I'm still reading the book 'Mastery' by Robert Greene, and it's quite a process to become a master in merely ONE niche or skill. I want to become knowledgeable in several areas in my life, a veritable Vetruvian man.

It becomes frustrating when you slip backwards in the ONE skills which you are trying to improve; guitar playing seems stunted, possibly due to sugar rush.

The main priorities I hold for myself in the near future (3 months) are:
- Improve academically, in terms of process and results
- Practice as much in my musical niche as is possible, including street performance
- Launch some sort of online business (I have a pretty solid idea that I'd have to check with "the market")
- Become as happy as possible.
- Get the ladies

I'm wondering if I can work out a really good polyphasic/brain-wave entrainment sleep habit where I can pull off some 14-20 hour days, then a solid rest day, and how much progress I can make during an entire summer with that.

Work was brief, I eat more food at the uni caf, then head home. Practice and ear training. Might read some more from the book before bed.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 27 [VDO]
http://youtu.be/PLTttEP1DjA

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 27

Typical day, but much more school work, ear training, reading, and writing down lyrics, while watching gameplay footage of 'Heavy Rain'. Worked dragged on forever in the evening; it makes me want to start my own online business. I've tried and failed before, but because I focused way too much on what I wanted.

To shed some light on the start on day 28, I slept in hardcore, by 4 hours. Total sleep is 10 hours. I used sleep magic twice yesterday, so I was surprised that I needed more sleep.