Ampers&'s Alpha Male Journal [COMPLETE]

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 9
I got an evaluation back from my boss; it's lowered than I expected. That really rilled me up, since he's given it two weeks later than we planned. To put that in context, it's a 6 week co-op, and it was supposed to be a mid-coop evaluation. I have a week and a half left, and I have to ace the last evaluation to "pass" the co-op. So he's putting me in an awkward position.

That's determined me to push through and work a ton today. I worked through lunch until 2:45, which is when I had a couple of sandwiches. And worked a half hour later than I usually do (but I was 10-15 minutes late because of the bus)

Yelling at my boss would be a no-no; but tell him what he did was wrong is something to do.
But getting a kick in the ass like this is something that I appreciate, even if it stirs me emotionally. I let my co-op coordinator know about it, so I'm sure there's something that we could work out.
Unfortunately, due to the gravity of my situation, I'm focusing less on languages or music, which means I might skip out of tomorrow's open mic. I also have a project to finish after all

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 10,

I got up earlier and felt better than I did the previous days; I think it's from abstaining for a while, being so busy with co-op and projects. Left for my co-op (the furthest one of two sites) thirty minutes earlier than what it takes to get to the closest site and got there a couple minutes late. Still, it was an early starting time.

A lot of my day was almost as a manager; I made decisions and pooled together ressources for planning yet another employee dinner at a different site. I'm determined to show off my competences by the end of the last week; I can finish off a bunch of projects tomorrow and have the free time for the week of hell next week (a total of three special occasion meals being served).

I feel more independant at work, and that's partially due to my being forced to be. It's an interesting feeling to have grown people turn to me during a conversation on my opinion for logistics; "will that amount of chairs be enough?". No more spectator mode for me, it will seem; I'm getting involved. I'm glad I cut Stage 1 a little shorter.

Finally, we talked about the evaluation issue; he did understand what I was talking about, but this next week could very well be enough to get me out of there with shining colours.

Got home and did a bunch of work for my big Community project; we put it off constantly and now it's due Monday. It's very hard to coordinate with three of us in seperate co-ops, each with different second jobs. I've been pumping out a lot of content and will leave the other two to sift through it and make sense of it while I'm working Saturday and Sunday.

We're almost done the projet (I almost finished it).

Gonna start setting my alarm 10 minutes earlier.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 11,

Today was a day of pure action; I went straight from 8:30 to 4:30 without a lunch, and pooled together a whole bunch of projects. My co-op is taking a brighter turn, and will likely have a very happy ending.

Speaking of happy endings, I had passed 6-7 days no fap, and finally gave in. I came without orgasm, which proofs the seperation. I already have a multiple orgasm program sitting on my laptop (Key Sound Orgasm; KSO for short), so I will work on retention while still having orgasms.

I went to an open mic. Invited a female friend along, and had a funny time trying to find the venue. I had literally no fear in performing. I'm now using earplugs to play live so that I can heard myself sing. The only zinger is that I can't hear the final product (my voice and guitar together); but it's my own zen. I was told by this girl that I improved in one weeks time; I haven't practiced in that one week! I haven't felt any fear related to my performing today.

Near the end of the event, me and the girl find a park bench outside and jam out to certain popular songs. Note that this is strictly platonic; she has a boyfriend, and I'm completely cool with that.

We had other people from the event who invited us on a staircase to jam with them. We jammed for another hour. It was fun. The whole event was a lot of fun.

Now I'm here to gather some final pieces for my project, and we're supposed to meet tomorrow morning. Goodbye, sleep!

[Geodude]

Dan - Why are doing AM 5.0?

You're a handsome Canadian with mad musical ability! I imagine you play guitar on stage and women throw their bras and maple syrup on stage.

Keep at it bro! It gets better!

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 11

VDO: http://youtu.be/Gbl4wAQdYOw

[Ampersnd]

^^ Watch in 480p for more awesome

Stage 2, Day11
It now feels like the more I dig out negative emotions (Faster EFT), the more resistance I find. It's like I'm digging a foot of ground and then I jump down onto harder ground, rinse and repeat. Keep tapping! I'll break through eventually.

Slept enough, but I had to jump out of bed and throw together my breakfast in order to make it out to a group project; I was still early.

Got to work on time, and time flew by. Did my 8 hours with no problem. It's funny how much not thinking (mindfulness) can help you get through things that are usually frustrating, like a long day at work. Mind you, it was pretty busy.

The girls at work were a little more chatty, too. Both are out of the question for dating; one has a boyfriend and the other one wears a burka (there'd simply be a values conflict between the two of us), so I'm not trying anything with them.

Funny enough, with my co-op, the nutritionnist at the one site (i go there infrequently) was talking my ear off about certain things. We were doing inventory, and she wouldn't shut up or leave me alone! I have to prove my independance in the work place, but she had tagged along, so it made it look like I needed her help lol. She also has a boyfriend.

I find that interesting that my interests have been with women that it wouldn't work with; the asian woman at work is sexy sexy sexy, but has a boyfriend. We've exchanged several glances and quick smiles as we passed each other.

It's making me wonder where the single ladies at, you know, the ones that don't need to play games, and instead are able and easy to build a connection with. Doesn't have to turn into sex right away, but the connection is where it's at for me.

Still have to finish this major project, and I'm throwing the pieces together now.

[Fonzy3]

Us Canadians gotta stick together

I can relate to the experience you mentioned with tapping Dan, sounds like you've been really busy these past weeks. Is your LOA method still working for you in regards to your morning routine?

Haha I gotta try the mindfulness technique one of these days, is your evaluation/ relationship with your boss at co-op getting better? Sounds like your schedule is pretty intense. To be honest, with the situation of that girl talking your ear off an all. If I were to look at the situation it could be viewed as the two of you being productive not that you're dependant on her, just saying. If it really affects you next time take some of the power and tell her you would rather do your work on your own.

In regards to women, theres nothing wrong with being the shoulder to cry on. Surround yourself with women single or not. Then eventually one will want to hang out, then move on from there. There are ladies everywhere, you probably know of five, then they have five friends and you go to a party with them and meet new people. Start appreciating the companionship of any woman in your life. Put in the time and you'll get the reward.

I thoroughly enjoy reading your journal entries. Best of luck man, you got this.

Thanks

Fonzy

[Ampersnd]

@Fonzy,

Right now, I've skipped a couple of days, or I've skipped some portions of it; weekdays, I do it. This weekend, I had to do much less of it. I call this week the "week of hell"; great, since I can tap the hell away.

As for LOA, my iPod, which had two major problems (1) the music would stop if I rotated the headphone jack slightly; 2) the backlight gave out a few seconds into being on) heal themselves completely. I never took it in or talked about it, nor did I try to fix it (maybe smacked it one time too many), but they're almost completely gone.

It was water damaged, now the backlight is 100% back, and the jack problem is reduced by roughly 90%; it takes a lot to stop it now. So much so that I'm comfortable in opening a flashcard app while listening to these subs; it was way too risky before and would cause interrumptions.

I'm noticing little things; I was thinking about Esther's (Abraham-Hicks) story about a stray cat, and I see a stray cat crossing the street one block down. Am I 'attracting' it? I don't know. Funny coincidence though.

Or I can think of the word someone wants to use before they use it. You know, when they're paused in a conversation for a certain word, and you guess it before them. I usually guess it 90% of the time (in my head). Funny coincidence.

We talked about Positive energy vs. the appreciation sub, and I'll keep doing positive rituals while listening to this sub, and perhaps a sleep related sub down the road, which will definitely raise my positive energy.

Thank you Fonzy for your advice; right now, I'm "busy" until 2014. Co-op until Friday (the last day), hand in the intern report, work 8 hours a day for 4 days, hop on a train to my hometown (southern Ontario), then have X-Mas and New Years with family. Go home and work the weekend; start my new years resolution, which is..

i) Begin playing exclusively original music at any performance of mine
ii) Identify as my stage name, instead of my real name (read: My user name is my stage name)
iii) Wake up early and do an extended morning ritual, with Natural Grounding, maybe stretches, language learning, with the help of a Sleeping related subliminal; I've done this before and it isn't as hard you'd think
iv) Start back Insanity DVDs; I did 3 weeks and then stopped for co-op; this might start mid-January so that I'm used to the sleep reschedule

[Fonzy3]

@Fonzy,

Right now, I've skipped a couple of days, or I've skipped some portions of it; weekdays, I do it. This weekend, I had to do much less of it. I call this week the "week of hell"; great, since I can tap the hell away.

As for LOA, my iPod, which had two major problems (1) the music would stop if I rotated the headphone jack slightly; 2) the backlight gave out a few seconds into being on) heal themselves completely. I never took it in or talked about it, nor did I try to fix it (maybe smacked it one time too many), but they're almost completely gone.

It was water damaged, now the backlight is 100% back, and the jack problem is reduced by roughly 90%; it takes a lot to stop it now. So much so that I'm comfortable in opening a flashcard app while listening to these subs; it was way too risky before and would cause interrumptions.

I'm noticing little things; I was thinking about Esther's (Abraham-Hicks) story about a stray cat, and I see a stray cat crossing the street one block down. Am I 'attracting' it? I don't know. Funny coincidence though.

Or I can think of the word someone wants to use before they use it. You know, when they're paused in a conversation for a certain word, and you guess it before them. I usually guess it 90% of the time (in my head). Funny coincidence.

We talked about Positive energy vs. the appreciation sub, and I'll keep doing positive rituals while listening to this sub, and perhaps a sleep related sub down the road, which will definitely raise my positive energy.

Thank you Fonzy for your advice; right now, I'm "busy" until 2014. Co-op until Friday (the last day), hand in the intern report, work 8 hours a day for 4 days, hop on a train to my hometown (southern Ontario), then have X-Mas and New Years with family. Go home and work the weekend; start my new years resolution, which is..

i) Begin playing exclusively original music at any performance of mine
ii) Identify as my stage name, instead of my real name (read: My user name is my stage name)
iii) Wake up early and do an extended morning ritual, with Natural Grounding, maybe stretches, language learning, with the help of a Sleeping related subliminal; I've done this before and it isn't as hard you'd think
iv) Start back Insanity DVDs; I did 3 weeks and then stopped for co-op; this might start mid-January so that I'm used to the sleep reschedule

Haha you kind of look like a cat person, i've always known that whatever I was attracting wether it was a video, a type of class or situation was because of my alignment. That's also how I determine my changes from using a sub. Haha yeah man that guessing word thing reminds me of my dad and I. I dedicate my life to change man, I decided I can live with just being myself but experiencing new adventures and people makes life much more exciting. Would love to hear more about your experiences with women. Stay positive man.
Insanity looks pretty tough i'm planning to reach that level of fitness next year as well. I think your stage name should include the message you are trying to get across to the public/ fans. I recently read an article that benedryl is a good sleep aid. You might want to try that. Looking forward to see that changes you manifest.
Btw let me know if you have any questions about general experiences or what you encounter with the subs, maybe I can relate and share some insight.

Thanks

Fonzy

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 12

Had a regressive day today; had more ticks of insecurity in my interactions.

However, more people are calling me "boss", like the people in my nutrition project. I really lead the last part of it. My boss is very cool towards me, I dunno, it feels like the dynamic has changed.

I was the only person who couldn't work on the project, since I was at work. But after work, I worked on it after I got the other members parts. It's now 12:30am and I have to get up at 6:20, so I'll keep it brief.

BUT, before the period where I had to start the project, I had a big breakthrough where I EFT tapped and then watched a Jason Derulo clip and got the whole concept of the sexy vibe. This is the one video that sums it up pretty accurately.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbtPXFlZlHg

You may have to tap away some of the resistance, but once you can accept everyone's power and energy, you can get a crap ton of value from this clip. He's a brilliant dancer too, and this song is 1000x better than that "marry me" crap he has on the radio.

Anyways, we just now finished the project! A huge weight is lifted (well, one of them), and it's due 4pm on the 9th (we are on the 9th lol), so that was a close call.

Gonna pass out for a few hours. Later

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 13

She's spinning around, rocking around like diamonds (to my heart) lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEjZwhYX6BI

I've been following Rion's prescribed dosage; not doing all that much in terms of Natural Grounding. Gonna do a little bit tonight after posting this and brushing my teeth.

Today, I helped plan a diner (it's happening tomorrow), but I took some initiative and took action. In great standing (in my opinion).

So, this girl at my co-op... oh man. You know when girls start throwing in random statements in the conversation to keep it going? Yeah, she's doing that. She tries to bust out the English and fails in a cute way. She's got a boyfriend, though. I'm not interested, either, but she's fun to talk to. So I'm trying to end a conversation at my desk, and she throws out an extra phrase to keep things going, I'm like "stahp!" in my mind. But I still give her some attention to be nice.

Worked when I got home as well; doing extra-curricular, I suppose.

My guitar skills are improving; I started practicing Toto's "Africa" on percussive guitar, and can sing over it. I haven't seen a single person on YouTube doing both. So I'll do what I can to practice that.

I still have to figure out my own material, AND, when I got home for the holidays, I need to get my hands on an acoustic guitar for those two weeks or be doomed with a twangy starter guitar

[Ampersnd]

I forgot to mention; I caught my reflection before getting off work; I could pull off the next James Bond ! lol it's the relaxed, but stable and solid body language that Daniel Craig has. I'm sure it's on and off

[Ampersnd]

Stage 2, Day 14

Another employee diner; go, go, go; did a whole lot. I think I'm impressing my co-op boss, especially since I've taken an action, and then he asks me to do that same action, and then I say "I already did that" and point to whatever it is lol.

Crazy sex drive though; I couldn't resist checking out the other women at my co-op; most of them are 30-40 years old; a few of them are pretty sexy for their age. I imagined myself doing "stuff" to/with them, to say the least; imagined, as Johnny Soporno says, what their face would look like glazed in my semen. I just wanna grab and kiss some PYT who wants it just as much. Where are these women? I'm curious.

Took advantage of that crazy "umpth" feeling and did more work when I got home, and then took care of that problem, if you know what I mean.

It's strange; after the problem is taken care of, the idea of sex seems so illogical to me hehe. It's so hilarious that my brain goes through this process everytime that happens.

Getting good at that Africa song. Everything mentionned above (work, co-op manuel and some music) sums up my life until Friday afternoon. Then, I have some moderate freedom until the 18th, and then there's total freedom.

Oh, and I had the idea of creating a creative gift from my grandpa, collaborating with my cousins. It's a short CD of christmas songs, sung by us. I'll play the music, and we'll all sing. It's a nice little gift.

[Ampersnd]

And, it may very well be my last day at one of the sites, and the girl that chats me up quite often works there. When I told her that, she had a girly attack (when girls get excited about something), and gave me a hug. She mumbled out something about me being a good guy, and that there would be many young women that I could make very happy - sounds very accurate - at least that what it sounded like she said; she got all shy. Any ways, that's that. It was an entertaining exchange.

But, I might go back Friday if my boss is there too, so that whole goodbye might have to repeat itself.