Alpha Female in Training

[Ryan]

Haha I can see a lot of what you say resonating with me, I feel the same way on many things you talk about. I wouldn't say "try" to love your job, you just can't if it is something that you truly aren't passionate about. But I do want to suggest a read because it helped me a week or two ago... The book is called "Mastery" by Robert Greene. I didn't even purchase the thing, just read a few of the beginning chapters on Amazon and it truly inspired me. Thing I realized is you will never be satisfied or happy with any type of career or hobby unless it is something that you are kind of "born to do".

Most of his theory is about stepping back into your childhood to figure out your true passions and focus your life on that vs. wasting time with meaningless things that you feel will complete you. I think you and I both have a similar personality in that we venture through life unable to really understand what we love doing and try to do what we think is right (get a job that seems interesting and pays our bills) but we still are miserable in them.

The great thing about these subs and this forum is you will learn to understand things you never ever thought about regarding yourself and your life. If you give the book a read let me know how it goes I'd love to know what you thought!

[Why So Serious?]

I guess we are the same when it comes to jobs. I feel like I'm doomed forever to work and waste a mojority of my time working these stupid jobs. I'm not so sure that finding something I like will help anymore. I'll share what I'm interested in but I don't think it will help.

I did read a part of it on amazon.
The only thing I can think of that was interesting g to me was cartoons, playing pretend, and videogames. What stood out for me when I was little in cartoons was talking animals or cretures. Nowadays I watch all cartoons. I'll watch anime sometimes.

I'm not interested in videogames like I used to be. However I still play final fantasy 10 for the creature designs. Sly Cooper and Rayman Origins and Legends for that cartoon style.
The one thing that stood out for me was I wished I could draw that stuff, but I thought I had to be born with the talent. I also would like to create something like a cartoon or video gameor something along those lines. Then took a painting class in college. I thought I was going to fail because I couldn't sketch. the professor had to help me. He didn't help anyone else in the class. I picked up a book and learned enough to get through the class so he didn't have to help me with sketching anymore.
The problem here is that I keep going in circles because I didn't start at a young age, and it takes years to get good at drawing, and I can't make money at it right away. So I start drawing, get depressed that it will take years to make money at it, then I stop. Theres other stuff involved too like compititon, not making as much money as I would like to make, working on so many projects you don't want to draw your own stuff, etc. Then the big question of how is this really going to help people? It just doesn't feel like it could contribute to the world. Let's not forget about my huge battle with procrastination. Sigh...... It's just a lot to deal with.

[Ryan]

I understand completely.... actually I too had gone through soooo many things but I was always focused 100% on the end goal.

Being an artist all I wanted to do was sell paintings.
Being a writer all I wanted to do was sell books.
Being a blogger all I wanted to do was get lots of subscribers.
Being an animator I just wanted my name in credits of a movie.

It's very stressful in that regard that the doubts will creep in anytime you focus on the end goal. For me, remembering as a kid and a teen how much I loved figuring out how to make my own video games and also how so many video games today are created just in with revenue in mind vs. creativity, I guess for me, that is the ultimate hobby and the only one that I do not focus on the end result (money, fame, self-employment).

And it's when you find something that you can do, for yourself, that actually does peak your interest 100% and not just for a career or the rewards that come with it... For example, I'd rather make my own game because nothing else seems to satisfy me and the things I like don't even exist. But I'd also like to make one because I love building things from scratch.

Overtime, you will find yourself wanting to get better, focusing your time/energy on it and being extremely motivated with it... And my belief, and this book also mentions it, if you have that passion and that driving force for that one thing you were meant to do, you will be able to make a career out of it...

As for art... I'm one of those people with very little talent that went to art school. I never took a painting class, to be honest. Actually, I think it's important you really get down drawing before learning to paint. However, I will say, not everyone in art school is a natural born artist. In fact, a lot of people in my first art class were new to drawing. Life drawing was the same way and drawing naked models was very very difficult for many. And like you, I also felt kind of an outcast at times because I thought everyone else was already an artist haha.

In any case, the things you like require a lot of different components and maybe for you it's all about figuring out what niche really resonates with you. For instance, playing pretend means you love to use your imagination. Surely if you narrow it down there are probably reasons why you wanted to create a cartoon or video game.

For me, I personally love problem solving and a lot of math/science (which is involved in programming) building things, and combining many different mediums like writing, art, technology. My favorite games include games that deal a lot with crafting, creating and building worlds (which also makes me realize how much I enjoy virtual art), and yet also social. Some of my favorite memories as a kid relating to gaming included the escape into such beautiful and amazing worlds that really took you away. Other things as a kid included my increased desire to learn how to use computers and build things on them like web pages, my imagination pretending that I could build space ships out of cardboard boxes, and my weird obsession with Windows paint.

I tried animation, I even tried film, but for me, what was lacking was the problem-solving and building aspect (as animation is all about movement of a character) so I ultimately gave up on it even though I was working with Pixar employees and if I just stuck it out for two years I could be working at Dreamworks or Pixar now. (If you're really interested in animation www.animationmentor.com is prob. the best investment ever ) So that's pretty much how I found my own passion but it took forever and it also made me feel hopeless, doomed and ultimately uninterested in most things. And I don't know if you realize this but with every major career there are sooo many specializations. Taking animation for example:

-3d modeler that sculpts the models
-rigger that puts the bones into the models that allow the animators to animate realistically
-drawing for 2d animation/landscape art/painting
-animator - the puppet master at making things come to life
-user interface designer - in gaming mostly designing interfaces/menus
-story boarding artist
-writing
-voice acting
-special effects / particle systems dealing with explosions, manipulation, etc.
-lighting scenes
-camera operating
and more!

Most of those are specialization careers or jobs that individual people have mastered and work together to produce the whole animation, for example.

Now relating to your questions about doing art on things you like vs. having to do art for someone else. Sure, in some careers you will be required to do what the boss wants you to do. Even today in web design I don't have 100% creative freedom. BUT, I do have the skills to make a website for myself, I can use my own creative spin on things and even start a business doing but I have zero passion for it. With gaming and animation I could, for instance, create my own video games in my spare time and maybe market them/sell them (which is my current goal)... I could join teams for games/projects that most interest me and my ideas... I could make my own animated series and bring in fans through social media, etc. etc. But I find, and even my therapist says... "stop thinking about the end goal" just think about how much you enjoy it and want to learn, eventually the rest will follow.

But I think for you, it's all about figuring out what things interest you on a daily basis without forcing yourself to do them, and narrowing down what aspects of that very thing really draws you to it. Even things that in the back of your mind say "I wish I could learn to do that". If that is art... just remember that of course you won't make money off of it right now but when you get skill there are endless possibilities depending on where you'd like to go with it: animating is a very well rewarding career, web design is also very very in-demand, game design, character design, film effects, independent artist, crafter, etc. etc. Art also deals heavily with perspective and creativity so there are an unlimited number of directions you could go with art.

Also, one point from the book that really resonated with me was that you should think about what things throughout your life you really wanted to better understand and get better at. Even today, something that you really want to understand and you look at it through a child sense of wonderment

[Shannon]

I'd like to hear Shannon's opinion on weather I should go for a third round right after finishing the second.

If this is your second run, you're going to know better than anyone else what you need to do to achieve the goal from here. If you want to take some time off, go for it. But if you do want to run it again, don't wait too terribly long...

[Why So Serious?]

Hey, Shannon how long is to long?

What ever funk I was in is slowly starting to go away. Feeling more centered than before. I didn't think that possible. I'm starting to not care what others think of me. I'M expressing myself a little bit more. Just being my goofy akward self. This could still use a lot of work though.

However my negativity has gotten worse. And my social life could still use a lot of work.

Other than that nothing else to report.

[Why So Serious?]

Hmm not quite sure what to say about this one.

A few days ago at work and the ladies there started talking about baby daddy drama and cheating. They tried to get me join but politely declined. I was starting to get a headache listening to them.
I just kept thinking to myself that these are the women I want to avoid. It's seems like the office is full of them.

Most are married and bring up certain stereotypes about men every day.It's sickening. "Men are lazy,men whine,men don't understand blah, blah, blah." It's a killer. To make matters worse is some of them are using their ex-boyfriend(ahem excuse me babydaddy).

And I'm going back tomorrow. At least I can work in the front and see some of the guy's again that walk through.)

What's weird is I used to think like this....somewhat. Now I can't stand to hear it. I don't know how to explain it what I'm feeling. It's more than disgust.

[Why So Serious?]

This Saturday I move on to Stage 5

Anyhow the women up there are still being themselves.(Why do I think they are going to change their thinking?) One admitted that she quit putting effort into getting dressed because she already got the guy. Man Why am I just realizing how manipulative some women are

TMI info form here

Anyway I just discovered what has been causing a lot of anxiety for me lately. That would be masturbation. Yep and here I was thinking it was just the subs that was giving me that extra energy(Well I feel the energy still but I also don't feel like putting it to use. I feel kind of depressed now that I think about it.)

Man I felt like socializing, I didn't hate people as much, I talked to mom,my aunt talked to me, I was focused, my nephews didn't get on nerves as much, I was owning my sexuality, I could really feel the sub working, as you can see the list could go on.

I stopped for either 2 or 3 weeks then I recently started again and feel all the anxiety coming back. That was the dumbest thing I could have done. Now I got to wait 1 or 2 weeks for the anxiety to wear off. Aw well back to square one. Oh yeah almost forgot no porn either

Besides I like being with someone who can fulfill those needs

Other than that nothing else to report.