Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

Well tomorrow I'm gonna be starting stage 6. I've decided after alpha is over I'm taking a hiatus from subliminals for a while. While I've made some progress the amount of strain and stress just wasn't proportional to the amount of growth.

I'm still unsure how exactly I react to these subliminals, I still can't figure it out. All I know is that sometimes it can make things feel worse for me.

After a long long time, I'm finally confronting my inner demons. I'm gonna be going to a therapist for my depression and see how it goes. I wanted to do it all on my own and I think it was a matter of me being more stubborn than strength of will. I should have got help years ago, but I think I was scared of others seeing it.

As a guy I feel like logically I understand the foolishness of stuffing your problems away and how getting help isn't weak. But I'd be lying if I said I'm still heavily conditioned to follow the whole man up attitude and get your shit together approach. It hasn't worked and I'm pretty much done with that.

Sometimes you have to realize when something isn't working and change your plan of action. Who knows, maybe it was this subliminal that's pushing me towards this.

I don't question the power of Shannon's subliminals for one second, but for me I think there is something else going on that won't be solved by using them alone.

Have you ever used OGSF?

I've been to a therapist myself, and while they can help you come to terms with your emotions and internal sh*t, they lack the direction to help you move forward. Just don't get stuck in feeling good while making no progress. In the end, I realized it was going to be up to me to fix "me", but at the very least this might help you sort some things out.

Yeah man, I've been through a bunch of these subs. I'm just trying not to beat my head against a wall and get nowhere.

All therapists are different. You've got awful ones and you've got good ones. There are horror stories out there with therapists, but there are also stories of great ones.

It's always up to the person to change. Nobody can do it for you. And as far as progress goes. I think it's time I stopped measuring progress based on outward achievements and instead look inside and fix whatever faulty thinking I might have going on. That's what therapists are supposed to do, point out your faulty thinking and help you restructure it. It's hard to do that on your own. As long as that's all messed up, no amount of moving forward will help. I'd rather feel good and be able to focus on improving my life than feel bad and just keep pushing in blind faith that one day I'll break through. That's pretty much what I've been doing and it hasn't gotten me very far.

I've also been to a therapist once. He didn't help at all. But I'm not basing all therapists on that one experience. Worst thing that can happen is I'm stuck in the same place and keep on doing what I'm doing to get better. Best case scenario things get better. I've really got nothing to lose.

[SargeMaximus]

I'd rather feel good and be able to focus on improving my life than feel bad and just keep pushing in blind faith that one day I'll break through. That's pretty much what I've been doing and it hasn't gotten me very far.

I've also been to a therapist once. He didn't help at all. But I'm not basing all therapists on that one experience. Worst thing that can happen is I'm stuck in the same place and keep on doing what I'm doing to get better. Best case scenario things get better. I've really got nothing to lose.

I totally get what you're saying, pushing in blind faith is often what I do, now that you mention it.

Anyhow good luck, I hope you can find some clarity.

[mat422]

So I screwed up. My mp3 player decided to corrupt some files so long story short I got a double dose of stage 4. So tonight I'll be running stage 5. So not as close to finishing as I originally thought, but still almost done with alpha.

[mat422]

I'm 22 and still living at home. Believe me I hate that I'm doing this. But honestly my life has just been troublesome. I didn't get into trouble or anything, I think I was stunted developmentally. Struggling with depression and anxiety has made things incredibly difficult for me. But I've always focused on getting better. I've changed my diet, taking vitamins and stuff, using these subliminals, get plenty of rest, and getting professional help. I'm moving forward always, but not at a pace that others can really see.

I'm just in a tough place. Am I making excuses? I won't outright deny it or get defensive. Maybe I am, maybe I'm just an immature kid who refuses to grow up. I don't know anymore. Money is tight, I don't have any career ideas and I can barely make it through a work week as is. And that's me without having to pay rent or utilities. Guilt only makes things worse and I shouldn't do that to myself. But it's painful when you see others look at you and say "fix it, do something, you can't keep doing this". As if I haven't been trying to fix all this crap since I was 16. People want so desperately to shake me or tell me to snap out of it, and that's just not how it works. If it was that easy to fix it would have been done already. I understand why they get frustrated and why they think like that. I'm used to it and all I can do is focus on getting better and to keep moving forward.

[mat422]

Late night epiphany. Gonna get this out quick then head to bed so I'm not tired tomorrow.

Anyway this whole depression thing. I notice my depression is really strong when I think of having a 9-5 job doing work that I really don't care about and trading hours of my life for money that I just need to survive. Maybe I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and I've been beating myself up for being who I am.

Granted I still deal with social anxiety and life hasn't been a cakewalk, and surely it can't all boil down to what I do for a living and how I make money. But if I'm honest with myself, I think I am causing my own unhappiness because I keep pushing myself to do things I know deep down aren't for me. But I keep doing it because I've been conditioned with fear from everyone around me.

Maybe it's not really me. Maybe it's just society. And when I voice my opinion that it's all bullshit and there's got to be a better way I get tough love and people saying that's life get used to it. Isn't it funny how people's default response is to push you into becoming another cog in the machine? There's nothing wrong with having one of those jobs if you enjoy it, but what if you don't? What if the idea of going to a mind numbing job drives you to suicide?

I've still got my issues to work on. I want freedom from fear. I want to be able to just live without fear. Even if I had a crappy part time job and didn't worry about things like getting fired or screwing up or pissing someone off and I could make enough money to support myself and keep going with my passion for music, that would be a good life for me. I don't want the big house with the white fence, golden retriever dog, housewife, and two kids. I'm not traditional, I've never been traditional. If I could just look someone in the eyes that I work for and they treat me like garbage and tell them to screw themselves and land another job, that would be ideal. If I could just get there. Right now I'm still living in fear. I'm living in fear of the what ifs and I'm slowly being pushed into stuff I hate because of fear of not having money, being homeless, etc.

I want that more than anything. I want freedom to say and do what I want. My father, who I love, but was a terrible role model for me I feel has systematically taught me to fear every little thing that could happen. And now I'm stuck. But I'm clawing my way out and I don't just want this reality, I need it because living in anything less will drive me insane.

This may not be the whole reason here. But hell I have to admit that this job I have now has made my depression worse. And what did I do? I told myself to get over it and I forced myself. Struggling with the depression I asked myself every day why am I depressed? And the answer there was clear as day, just all the conditioning inside of me told me I was wrong, that a job can't make you depressed, it's got to be something else get over yourself. I don't care what anyone else says, the way I live my life is for me and I ultimately decide what's right. I only have so long to live, I'm not going to keep wasting it out of fear.

Hopefully all this is a step in the right direction. I need this because I can't do this anymore. When I think back to when I was really depressed and had those feelings of suicide at times. I realize it wasn't me, it was society. I wanted a way out and I just couldn't see it, I couldn't see how to climb above all the bullshit and live a fulfilling life for myself. I think I might be starting to understand better and start making changes towards that.

[InTheZone]

Anyway this whole depression thing. I notice my depression is really strong when I think of having a 9-5 job doing work that I really don't care about and trading hours of my life for money that I just need to survive. Maybe I'm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole and I've been beating myself up for being who I am.

I know exactly how you feel. I've been going through the same thing. Thanks for sharing.

[mat422]

So I kind of had some time to think this over. And my reaction was admittedly kind of extreme. It's just that pendulum swing when things change. Anyway my current career path that I was pushed into since my time in college I'm completely abandoning. Why? Because I hate it, and that's a good enough reason for me. I'm not going to listen to the people who want to play it safe. Yeah I could play it safe and be miserable, but I'd rather fail or try something new than be miserable and comfortable.

I don't know what it is or what I can do. All I know is I'm a certain type of person and I can't mold myself into someone else to fit a role. And I can't change the way society operates. So my best option is to find something that fits me and complements my personality.

I am who I am. It's made it hard for me to find my place in this world, but I'm better off being myself than trying to fit in.

[mat422]

I screwed up again. I don't know when it happened but apparently I had stage 5 and 6 playing back to back instead of just stage 5. So I'm just counting tonight as the first night of stage 5. I'm sure I got exposure for stage 5 during these few weeks, but I'm sure back to back with stage 6 caused some issues.

I'll be honest I'm encountering some heavy resistance with these subliminals. I really don't look forward to listening every night. In fact the past few nights I get hit with anxiety when I'm exposed to the subs. Now I don't know if that's resistance or if maybe that's the manifestation of playing stage 5 and stage 6 back to back. Either way it was unpleasant. But the good thing about these subliminals is despite all that resistance I can just hit play and I don't really have to force myself to do something beyond that. Like if this was hypnosis sessions I'm pretty sure I'd procrastinate listening or fall asleep during trance, I tend to procrastinate out of fear.

[mat422]

So I recently bought a book about psychodynamic theory and defense mechanisms. It opened my eyes to a lot of issues. Particularly early childhood development. Supposedly if a mother doesn't give a child enough attention or meet it's dependent needs it permanently alters the brain of the child. Now it got me thinking about my parents. If I'm completely honest, I'm not sure I grew up in a very functional home. And my mom was quite distant as a kid, even though she was there physically it always seemed like she was somewhere else mentally. I'm sure she gave me attention other times, but the negative did stick out a lot more. My dad had his outbursts and anger. All in all I wasn't in an abusive home, but at the same time I feel like there were some things that went wrong.

So I'm reading this book and it starts talking about shame. Shame that stays with a kid into an adult because they are constantly burdened with feelings of not being good enough. Something that bothered me was this therapist who wrote the book said you can't move past this shame, but you can learn to live with it and develop better habits and behaviors that make you happy. He also talked about idealism and how wanting to be this amazing self aware superhuman person with mastery over their emotions and problems would cause you a lot of suffering. And part of me wants that. I want to move on past issues and be this great person. But according to him that's a defense mechanism, a way to avoid the inner pain and step into a role of being this god like person with complete control over themselves. And deep down I feel like he's right, but at the same time I so desperately want to believe that he's wrong. That I can transcend my problems.

I guess it made me think about these subliminals. In the past I felt like fear is what held me back from making a change. But that's certainly only a part of it. I feel like I also have this feeling of not deserving of having a good life. That even if I worked on myself and became this better person, deep down I'd feel like I was faking it all.

I find that rarely are we allowed to discuss negative emotions or feelings or troubles. And if we do people want to cover it up with positivity. The truth is I feel ashamed of even having negative emotions about myself. And I think in order to grow I have to be able to say that I'm ok with having these emotions because they are part of the human experience. They point to deeper issues. I think for a long time I've been unaware of what I've actually been repressing. The funny thing is there are emotions that I consciously repress, those feelings I can feel bubbling under the surface. And then there are the even deeper ones. The ones outside of my conscious realm which I refuse to acknowledge. Perhaps because it's too painful, embarassing, or I've been told that it's "too negative".

The thing that bothered me in the book was the way the author made it seem like what's done is done and any harm done can't be erased only overwritten with new stuff. I always question everything and part of me screamed that this can't be true. But maybe it's just denial, maybe I don't want to believe that some things are just out of my control and I have to accept it.

When you get into defense mechanisms it's easy to label this or that as a defense mechanism. And any statement can be turned upside down by twisting words. I think Freud was quite adept at that. So sometimes it's hard to tell where persistence and dedication to growth lies vs a defense mechanism that needs to be disarmed.

All in all I'm still struggling and I'm pretty much done pretending to be fine when I'm really not. I find that being open and honest does a world of good for my mental health as opposed to trying to convince myself things are ok. Even if it's just being open with myself.

[SargeMaximus]

All in all I'm still struggling and I'm pretty much done pretending to be fine when I'm really not. I find that being open and honest does a world of good for my mental health as opposed to trying to convince myself things are ok. Even if it's just being open with myself.

That's the key right there, dude.

As long as you do things for YOU, you'll be fine.

It's when you start taking other people's beliefs (like you can't get past the shame or you can't live an awesome life because of your background? lol, F*ck that!) that you REALLY take damage.

Stop looking to outside sources or other people for how your life should go or to explain your life, YOU, and you alone, have that power/responsibility.

And watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu5oaty0u...Q&index=61

[Sean]

And watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu5oaty0u...Q&index=61

Excellent video. I needed that.

[jonathan4all]

So I recently bought a book about psychodynamic theory and defense mechanisms. It opened my eyes to a lot of issues.

So I'm reading this book and it starts talking about shame. Shame that stays with a kid into an adult because they are constantly burdened with feelings of not being good enough. Something that bothered me was this therapist who wrote the book said you can't move past this shame, but you can learn to live with it.

Could you tell the book name
!! Please

[mat422]

All in all I'm still struggling and I'm pretty much done pretending to be fine when I'm really not. I find that being open and honest does a world of good for my mental health as opposed to trying to convince myself things are ok. Even if it's just being open with myself.

That's the key right there, dude.

As long as you do things for YOU, you'll be fine.

It's when you start taking other people's beliefs (like you can't get past the shame or you can't live an awesome life because of your background? lol, F*ck that!) that you REALLY take damage.

Stop looking to outside sources or other people for how your life should go or to explain your life, YOU, and you alone, have that power/responsibility.

And watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu5oaty0u...Q&index=61

You're right. I guess I'm just stuck in a kind of catch 22. In order to overcome a lot of this I have to believe that it's possible. But deep down I don't believe. I don't really know how to fix that. I can say I believe, but it's that conflict between saying something and the belief itself.

Good video though. It helps me remember what the right sort of path is for me.

[SargeMaximus]

You're right. I guess I'm just stuck in a kind of catch 22. In order to overcome a lot of this I have to believe that it's possible. But deep down I don't believe. I don't really know how to fix that. I can say I believe, but it's that conflict between saying something and the belief itself.

Good video though. It helps me remember what the right sort of path is for me.

If you don't believe it's possible, it isn't. If you believe it is possible, it is. Additionally, you can believe whatever you want.

Try writing down that you don't believe it's possible then write down exceptions to that. Think of anything that would make it possible and write it down. Then write that it IS possible, and write exceptions to that as well.

The idea is to realize that beliefs aren't real, they're just beliefs.

Hope that helps.