Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

Hey mat,

what do you mean by go deeper pull out those negative beliefs ? And how do tou do that by the way ?

I wish I were you. You seem to get in touch with your beliefs easier than me. I'm ca't get int ouch with them at all. If I could, then I'd easily eliminate th but I can't.
How do you so easily get in touch with the beliefs you are looking for ?

It's really just self analysis. So it's all about letting go about how you think you should feel and more about getting in touch how you really feel. This is hard because you have to come face to face with your shortcomings or negative feelings. And unfortunately most people have become uncomfortable with the negativity within them.

It's less about looking for the beliefs and more about allowing them to surface on their own. You have to create a safe space in your mind and no matter how negative something is, you acknowledge its presence.

Now, removing those negative beliefs. That's a different story. But sometimes being able to acknowledge these beliefs on a conscious level will give you enough perspective to challenge them.

[mat422]

So I got a chance to sit down today and let things be. My original intent was to allow the negative beliefs to pop up. But I realized that was far too logical. If anything I have to disconnect from my mind and get in touch with my deeper intuitive feelings. I think and think and think, but rarely do I ever let go and give up control.

What I noticed was, a lot of anxiety. Anxiety that I wasn't even aware of. Even while typing this I'm experiencing anxiety. It could be because of the fear and resistance in my mind. Actually that's more than likely the case. I think what happens with the subconscious mind is there is kind of a buffer effect and a lot of the programming is processed during the day as well. My anxiety is a manifestation of the changes that are trying to occur. So once again I find myself saying I'm ready to change on a conscious level, but subconsciously its a different story.

I'm going to keep digging deeper. I think my mind is a very powerful tool to heal with and I should trust my own intuition. I've recently concluded that all techniques out there make use of the mind to heal. I know for me I would put more faith in a technique or tool, than the power of my own mind. But I'm slowly learning to trust my own internal healing mechanism for making the changes necessary in my life.

[mat422]

I think I've made some progress today. Noticed some energy shifts within my body. I'm beginning to reconnect with my deeper intuition and self. I'm reassessing a lot of what I thought I had to do or should do.

Getting the urge to grow out my hair longer. As ridiculous as it might sound I feel like longer hair is a better reflection of who I am. I've been cutting it short lately, but something always felt off about it. I don't know, just a disconnect. When I think of growing out my hair again I feel like it matches up inside. I think the only thing that makes me think it's a bad idea is because I won't look "professional" or that it's immature. It could be a lot of fond memories are tied to longer hair and a certain state. But honestly it feels right, so I might as well go for it.

On that note, I've always felt pressure to be someone else other than myself. I'm sure a lot of people go through that. But I'm coming back to a place of authenticity. I just have to do what feels right for me, regardless of what others tend to think. Somewhere along the line I really lost my way. I guess the fear was strong and I felt like I needed to play it safe. Life is just too short to care so much. I'll keep improving myself, but I won't lose sight of who I really am again.

[SargeMaximus]

Getting the urge to grow out my hair longer. As ridiculous as it might sound I feel like longer hair is a better reflection of who I am. I've been cutting it short lately, but something always felt off about it. I don't know, just a disconnect. When I think of growing out my hair again I feel like it matches up inside. I think the only thing that makes me think it's a bad idea is because I won't look "professional" or that it's immature. It could be a lot of fond memories are tied to longer hair and a certain state. But honestly it feels right, so I might as well go for it.

That's all that matters my friend. Match that feeling with that action wherever you can in life, and you'll stick out in a grand way that few know how to achieve.

I just have to do what feels right for me, regardless of what others tend to think. Somewhere along the line I really lost my way. I guess the fear was strong and I felt like I needed to play it safe. Life is just too short to care so much. I'll keep improving myself, but I won't lose sight of who I really am again.

YES!

I'm glad to see this man, keep it up. You'll find a great thing when you allow yourself to shine through.

[Sean]

Mat, you're doing some powerful things. Keep up the good work, man. What you're doing is inspiring other thoughts for me, and I appreciate you sharing all this.

It helps!

[mat422]

Getting the urge to grow out my hair longer. As ridiculous as it might sound I feel like longer hair is a better reflection of who I am. I've been cutting it short lately, but something always felt off about it. I don't know, just a disconnect. When I think of growing out my hair again I feel like it matches up inside. I think the only thing that makes me think it's a bad idea is because I won't look "professional" or that it's immature. It could be a lot of fond memories are tied to longer hair and a certain state. But honestly it feels right, so I might as well go for it.

That's all that matters my friend. Match that feeling with that action wherever you can in life, and you'll stick out in a grand way that few know how to achieve.

I just have to do what feels right for me, regardless of what others tend to think. Somewhere along the line I really lost my way. I guess the fear was strong and I felt like I needed to play it safe. Life is just too short to care so much. I'll keep improving myself, but I won't lose sight of who I really am again.

YES!

I'm glad to see this man, keep it up. You'll find a great thing when you allow yourself to shine through.

It's definitely a good feeling just doing your own thing.

Mat, you're doing some powerful things. Keep up the good work, man. What you're doing is inspiring other thoughts for me, and I appreciate you sharing all this.

It helps!

No problem, I always enjoy journaling my insights. So many basic lessons in life that are forgotten due to peer pressure and conditioning. It's definitely not easy to be yourself, but it's the most rewarding thing you can do.

[mat422]

Been a while since I've posted. A lot has been on my mind. These past few days have been rough for me. I was fortunate enough to keep working at my internship for another 90 days. So at least for now I'm not too concerned about money. But I am concerned about what I'm doing with my life. I've always been concerned about it. Probably since 16. When kids my age were out partying or enjoying life, I was just there. Alive but not really living. I feel like someone just took a spoon and gouged out the part of my brain that lets me feel. Things have just never felt right for me no matter what I do.

Maybe that's an exaggeration, hell it probably is. But I never really know how to properly gauge how I'm feeling. I have nothing to compare it to. I need things to get better. I just don't know how.

But maybe I do. Maybe I've been pushing too much. Maybe I just need to start forgiving myself and showing some compassion for myself first. Maybe I still hate myself for all the issues I face. Maybe.

I guess I'm just as lost as ever and I'm tired of pushing things away. It's those silent moments during the day with a minute to yourself when you realize it's still there. Just you don't notice it when you're busy. But you can't be busy all the time.

[SargeMaximus]

I hear you man. Have you made any more progress on doing what feels "right" for you and following that intuition? Also, it's possible to separate from your emotions as an observer. Like, you are aware of them and don't push them away, you accept them and all that, but you don't let them control you. You still do what you've got to do, I dunno, maybe you need to fragment a little.

I've always had problems keeping my feelings in check. It was an "all or nothing" kind of thing where I'd either be in touch with my emotions and overwhelmed or I'd be repressing them and feeling nothing. I think AM has helped me incorporate them without succumbing to them, so it may just take time for you.

What Stage are you on btw?

[mat422]

I hear you man. Have you made any more progress on doing what feels "right" for you and following that intuition? Also, it's possible to separate from your emotions as an observer. Like, you are aware of them and don't push them away, you accept them and all that, but you don't let them control you. You still do what you've got to do, I dunno, maybe you need to fragment a little.

I've always had problems keeping my feelings in check. It was an "all or nothing" kind of thing where I'd either be in touch with my emotions and overwhelmed or I'd be repressing them and feeling nothing. I think AM has helped me incorporate them without succumbing to them, so it may just take time for you.

What Stage are you on btw?

A little. It's just like bits of pieces of everything coming together. Some parts, not as pleasant as others. I guess that's what happens when you repress a lot of stuff.

Being the observer is something I try to do to the best of my ability and it does help at times to get me through the day. But it does control me at times and I feel like there isn't much I can do.

I'm on stage 4 and starting stage 5 sometime next week. Maybe it'll work out. I just feel like I need a break from life, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep up.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm on stage 4 and starting stage 5 sometime next week. Maybe it'll work out. I just feel like I need a break from life, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep up.

I know the feeling. But if your experience with Stage 5 is like mine, things will definitely get better for you. Stay strong man.

[mat422]

I'm on stage 4 and starting stage 5 sometime next week. Maybe it'll work out. I just feel like I need a break from life, I feel like I can't do this anymore. I can't keep up.

I know the feeling. But if your experience with Stage 5 is like mine, things will definitely get better for you. Stay strong man.

Thanks, I look forward to that.

[mat422]

So I'm always grateful for weekends. Seriously. I don't know if it's just me or if everyone feels this way but I need these days to pursue what I love doing. I think part of my depression is actually stemming from not being able to make music during the week. I want to, but I'm just too tired and I can't focus. And it kills me inside.

I'm a creative individual and I feel like it's always been that way. Like being introverted, I'm having trouble finding my place in this world. I've got a lot of issues that still need to be resolved. I think if I didn't grow up with social anxiety and depression I'd be more well adjusted. But I think all I really want to do is make music. Maybe find a career that I don't hate that can provide enough money to live off of and then make music in my free time. That's a big step all by itself. With depression it's hard to focus, my memory is shot, I end up slurring and tripping over words, and my body feels heavy. My biggest issue is I can't learn unless something really interests me. So while I can read up on sound design and various music production techniques, studying for exams or reading textbooks seems like an impossible task.

Still in the process of testing for stuff at the doctor. My insurance didn't want to cover the blood work as extensively as I would have liked which sucks. I'm working on my diet. Gotta get back to working out. I fell off with that. Just trying to take it one step at a time. I realized when I weight myself down with all the shoulds it just crushes me with guilt. So I just do what I can and take it easy on myself.

https://soundcloud.com/h-conscious/cold-september

This is a track I made the other day. It's drum and bass, if you know what that is. I was able to channel a lot of feeling into it and I guess it helped me out a bit with the depression. With my music I have to really go easy on myself, it's way too easy to get frustrated and upset with my work.

[mat422]

Moving onto stage 5 tonight. Hoping things might smooth out a bit.

I know some guys on here want to get better with women and stuff. But for me that was never a huge priority. Maybe it's because I feel like even if I did have relationships with women they'd fall apart because I'm not exactly together. Then there's one night stands, but I'm not that kind of guy so that's out of the question too.

So what do I want? I guess that's an important question that needs answering and I'm not sure if I can answer it at the moment. I like to think I've got this internal compass, but lately all the negativity in my life is like being in an electromagnetic field which makes the compass go haywire. It's making it difficult not to doubt every single thing I do.

I think I'm still battling with perfectionism a lot. When it comes to music if I don't work on it I feel guilty, like I'll never be good enough. But it's that all or nothing mentality showing up. Yeah I'd like to be good, but sometimes I feel like that's where my self esteem lies in my work. And obviously that can't be good. It's one thing to feel accomplished about something and it's another to feel like you need it in your life to feel good about yourself. So I'm putting it aside for however long it takes for the spark to grow again and in the meantime I'm not gonna kick myself for it. I'd rather not have music become another chore in my life that needs to be taken care of.

Most of all I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself. I don't want to get pushed into something out of fear of doing the wrong thing. Admittedly to everyone on the outside it probably looks like I'm an underachiever who is too lazy to pursue higher education or a career. But what can I say? I've got my battles and everyone else has theirs. I'm just doing what I can. Maybe I have to completely rip this current career path out of my mind and throw it in the trash. Just open myself up to other things.

My mind has a tendency to zero in on ideas or plans and blocks out other stuff. It's good at times and at others it kind of just gives me tunnel vision and blinds me to other possibilities.

[SargeMaximus]

So what do I want? I guess that's an important question that needs answering and I'm not sure if I can answer it at the moment. I like to think I've got this internal compass, but lately all the negativity in my life is like being in an electromagnetic field which makes the compass go haywire. It's making it difficult not to doubt every single thing I do.

The answer to that will help you the most, imo.

As for your music, I don't know how you approach it, but for my writing and directing, it always comes from a "guilty pleasure" place. In that I take pleasure out of exercising my ability to write and direct. It's not about what I produce, so much as it's about the pleasure I get while producing it. I also do it out of boredom. When I'm bored, I write, when I'm bored of what I'm writing, I write something inside that story to change it up. It's really just letting yourself go and not having an end result in mind.

I've always said that art is a living thing. Once you start creating it, it becomes it's own entity, and you just help it emerge into the world until it's finished. At that point, it spreads it's wings and flies away.

Hope that makes sense.

As for Stage 5, it'll probably be bumpy at first, then it becomes smooth sailing straight through to Stage 6.

Good luck.