Adri's SM2/Gay Men Journal

[Adri]

DAY 34

Gosh, I feel such an urge to have sex. Cannot stay in place. My energy is all over the place.

No interesting guy in my life right now, so cannot get sex.

The gay guy from my class may apparently be in a relationship. I hope he is open to have sex with other guys than his partner

I still feel needy but less than before. But I still am.


More tomorrow, bye,
-Adri

[Ricardo]

---- Stage 2 ----

Day 33


I need some recommendation if someone has experience with that type of situation: I had a drink with the guy I said who is really into me. Went great but I feel he wants to make things move further, which is not something I want. He wants to get another drink with me next week.

How can I stop him right in his trajectory? I don't want to hurt his feelings, he's a really nice guy and we would really be a good friendship match.
The only solutions I have on my mind are:
(1) I tell him I'm not interested but that of course I want to remain friend with him or
(2) I make him understand in a subtle way by asking him if he's got someone on his mind at the moment.
-If he tells me yes, I ask him who. If he responds that this person is me, I stop him and tell him I didn't thought about our relationship in that way.
-If he responds no, I ask him if there are no handsome guys at his school, thus dequalifying myself as a potential partner.

What do you think about those approaches? Which one would you recommend? Have you got other suggestions? it's the first time I am faced with that type of situation

That's it, hope stage 2 will be even more great
-Adri

It's hard to call but if I was in that situation with a woman I would probably act all excited over some new woman I've met that week that I'm really hoping turns into a relationship. It should put any one off if they know your affections lie elsewhere.

Option 2 might work but unless you make it clear that you're not interested he might think the chase is on!

[Adri]

DAY 40

I think I am now hitting a resistance wall. I feel lonely even if I now have a lot of friends in my class. The guy I was interested in has got a boyfriend with whom he is living. I know that because I managed to speak with him, which is great. Given time, you can achieve whatever you want

I now do feel sad because I have no guy in my life. This issue was pretty much resolved, but is hitting even harder now. I will let it do it's thing, I feel this is just resistance.

My productivity is an all time low: I basically do nothing since I hit that low point. But I know I will rise again soon

Apart from that, no new potential guy in sight, which kinda sucks. But this program is manifesting a lot of handsome gay men so I stay positive (or try as I can for the moment being).

Bye,
-Adri

[Shannon]

Thank you so much for using English grammar correctly. I so enjoy it when people do that. :-)

[Adri]

Haha you're welcome Shannon

DAY 54

What I Got

Sooo... A lot of change happened!

I am now on gay dating apps. I don't like meeting men that way, really not. I prefer to meet them for real, meeting them from dating apps feels weird. But I also feel I have no other way to meet plenty of gay guys. Logisitically it is a mess: my parents don't want me to use dating apps because they think it is too dangerous. So every time I've got a date, I must find a way to not say to them it is a date. I truly don't like lying so I hope SM will bring more guys from other channels...

Well I've had 3 dates as for now. And I rejected every one of them. Not in a mean way, I just told them that we weren't cut for going out together and that because of that it would not be worth the pain. They were understanding and told me it wasn't a problem. Before I would just go out with the first guy at hand, now I am being picky.

But as you can see, I'm still trying to go out with guys. That's because 1) every guy I talk to "don't like it to be just for sex" and don't like the people who seek that 2) I'm still a little bit reluctant to "just have sex" too.

I'm now talking with a guy who I like and who I maybe would want to go out with. But problem: he lives 70 kms from my house and explaining the fact that I go out with someone so far away to my parents will be hard without mentioning dating apps. (+ he doesn't meet my "going out" standards... I want to go out with someone who is really evolved self-dev speaking and he does not appears to be)

But I now wanna drop SM and start BASE. Why? Because SM is completely defocusing me from my business goals. I now spend too much time and money socializing. It's a side effect I really don't like but I understand it is a requirement for successfully achieving SM's goal. But I still don't like it. I don't think I will drop the sub. I committed to it, I'll finish it. And I still want SM results, even if the things required to achieve them are frustrating

Also: I don't know why I am focusing on finding a boyfriend, it seems like a theme that runs into my life. I always seek it, I seek love from a guy. And that's bad. I want to go out with someone BECAUSE I find this person amazing. I don't want to go out with someone BECAUSE I am not with someone at this moment. But that's what I am doing for the moment. That's meh.

I am also feeling more attractive but I still have uncertainties with certain guys. There is a new guy who is really attractive that arrived this week in my class. I wanna talk with him but I don't know if he'll find me attractive.

I feel sad because I feel lost at the moment. All my goals are falling apart because my focus is getting worse and worse. I don't achieve what I want to achieve. I really need BASE... but I know I really need SM too to give me a good foundation regarding my relations with boys. And relations with boys could be a problem in my business if my issues regarding me being needy and wanna go out with everyone are not resolved.

Neediness seems to lower. Not completely but it lowers.

I also got approached last week... but by an old and very ugly guy. I rejected him by telling him I'm heterosexual.

I am being flirty with that guy which lives 70 kms away and it feels great! Never have been so flirty before.

What I wish

I wish to have more beautiful guys in my life. All the guys around me are very average.

I wish to resolve that issue of wanting to aboslutely go out with a guy.

I wish my focus will come back.

I wish I will have sex without comitting to a relationship with a guy I don't like as a partner.

.... I think that's all for today, see ya,
-Adri

[Adri]

DAY 62

OK spiral down right now. I'm back on track with my goals, less focus on guys but I need to put a system into place to make sure I do follow on my projects. Why? Because I have no place to think about my projects in my brain. It's on constant overload I feel.

There is a new boy in my class who looks really great, and I think he's gay. I went talk to him yesterday for a few minutes just saying random stuffs. Today, I arrived and he was waiting for the doors to open and I didn't go to greet him... In fact I ignored him the whole day! I don't know why :/ And a gay friend started to chat with him etc. and it made me feel bad because I don't want him to get him, I want me to get him! Now that comes from a place of complete scarcity and I would really love to be more abundant than that... but I can't. Also, my gay friend is already in a relationship and I know he's not trying to get the guy, just chatting with him like a friend. But I don't like that even though there is no risk of me "losing the guy".

I've completely rejected the guy I talked about in the last post (the guy I may want to go out with). I told him I couldn't focus on a relationship at the moment and that I think it would be better if we didn't date. He took it bad and I've never heard about him anymore, he even deleted me from Facebook. But that doesn't matter, I feel more free having done that. I don't like hurting the guy, but I really couldn't have been in a relationship with him.

I'm still waiting for more external results than what I am getting. I also feel pretty messed up, like a complete wreck at the time being. Some days I feel on top of the world, other days I feel like complete sh**.

We'll see what Stage 3 brings to the table,
-Adri

[Ricardo]

Adri, Are you sure you haven't got some deep seated fear of relationships as you seem to be interested in a guy and then not. There's nothing wrong with going out with someone and enjoying their company and getting into the whole swing of it. Nobody has to have sex and I'm sure you would feel better in yourself and get more enjoyment in your life. SM is supposed to work on the scarcity thing and believe me it's a big problem for the hetero's too. I know loads of people who have got married or just involved in a relationship because the bloke thinks that's the best they can get or because it's either that person or nothing for maybe months and months. I'm also guilty of that myself and have hurt a few women in the process which I felt terrible afterwards.

[Adri]

Thanks for that Ricardo, that's exactly what I've been thinking lately... and what you said... complete mindset shift. Believe me just that little piece of text you shared, I can feel it inside of me, it made something click!

I am now thinking "i can have fun and enjoy relationships without worrying too much about it going well". This is huge, thanks for that. I literally have tears in my eyes... I had to hear it from someone else than my inner voice.

I think I've got a fear of a relationship not going well... seeing that me and my bf aren't a match after all. But it's part of the game right?

what i want after all is to have healthy relationships with guys. i'm not doing SM to have sex, I just want the self-improvement bit. But if sex happens... well that's a nice side effect ^^

one of my big issue would be to just effortlessly flirt with men but I'm being pushed to do so by the program lately. So that's nice

also quick update: sex may happen soon... with an hetero :p he wants to try out men and i'm completely ok with that! huge shift too, 2 months ago I would have completely disregarded this option. But now I think that if there's physical attraction, well let's not waste it!

[Ricardo]

This is why I believe it's a good idea to journal our subs because often other people see the changes that we don't see so easily. When you have problems or strange feelings or whatever is bothering you, just throw them onto the forum and get some outside views on it.
BTW I very much doubt your hetero is hetero, sounds more bi to me.

[Adri]

DAY 85

Sex happened. Wasn't very good but at least it happened, and I'm like "okay, that's great, now what?".

The fact is that I'm getting more and more gay guys into my life. Which is great! But I also met a guy who I really like and who is exactly what I was searching as a boyfriend. I'm currently dating him and it's going great! I know he's part of the manifestation sequence of SM because there are too much circumstances which coincided for me to believe in pure "luck".

So I'm very happy and look forward to going out with him. He's very cute and there's a big intellectual match between the both of us, which is something truly amazing given my unique way of thinking.

Only problem is that I will not stop SM, I don't want to stop the improvements. So I will be running SM, getting a lot of guys into my life and reject each one of them because I just wanna be with that guy.

But I will run SM till the end because I don't want to end half way through the program.

[Adri]

Stage 4
DAY 118

Wow guys, one month since I've last updated you on how it was going ! And that's for a good reason: my life is becoming all over the place !

So in the last past 2 weeks I became sick, had to go to the hospital etc. Wasn't really good... from someone looking from the outside ! But what it allowed me to do was to focus very intensely on business. My business isn't started yet since I am pondering with the best business to start. Very hard question but I am in a process of self-discovery that may help me understand and know what's best for me.

I'm going out with the guy I spoke about in my last post. And I am just so happy to know him ! could be seen like a god send. He's keeping me on track and I help him be on track too. We're really a great couple imo.

Didn't have sex since last time because I wanna be faithful to my boyfriend. But I had IOI from one guy truly good looking on of the few times I went out during the past month. And another guy I wanted to have sex with one year ago sent me a message on FB although we weren't friends on it etc.

My dreams are very bizarre, and don't feel good. They are strange and do not make me comfortable.

Apart from that I have a urge to quit this program! I wanna start BASE, I'm really wanting to use it to drive my psychology towards a successful business mindset... but I've got to wait until the 31st of march :/

So I hope I'll talk to you more than I did on the last month
-Adri

[JackOfHearts]

Nice seeing you back here. Why you chose monogamy? It is what you really want or it is based on fear? Logical/rational vs Feeling?

[Adri]

You hit a great point here because I've been thinking about that for a few weeks now. I wanna have sex with multiple guys. But I don't feel this is the right moment to speak about that to my boyfriend, we haven't had sex together etc. So telling him that even before we had sex together would not be a good plan But I am going to definitely speak with him about having an open relationship. And it will be up to him to decide. I am not stuck on that idea of having sex with multiple guys. If he is OK with that,then great let's have some fun. But if he isn't, no problems I am happy with a monogamous relationship. I just want him to be comfortable and will not push him in any direction. I will let him know what I want but I will never drop him because he doesn't share the same wants

[JackOfHearts]

Why you didn't had sex yet?