10-10-2016, 04:08 PM
Last post for V2.4.
When Shannon said that when you stop listening, you don't necessarily "stop listening," he wasn't kidding. I only listened to 2 loops yesterday, had a pretty good day. Nothing major to report, but my mood was good and had the typical DMSI IOIs in public. I even ran into my 5th grade teacher, who I had a crush on at that time, and damn she's hot. She's probably 11 years older than me. She was also my swim lessons instructor, and stayed with us when my folks went out-of-town. She asked me for my number and told me she'd be in touch. Hmm...
No loops overnight. Today has been emotional, a little anxiety, and a trip to the past. I literally wrote down every instance I blew an opportunity with a girl, was hurt by a girl, was jealous of a girl - starting with the rejection my next door neighbor childhood friend gave me when I was 5 and I asked her to marry me. I also remembered getting caught playing doctor by her mom, as well as another girl and HER mom. I got severely punished both times. Man, I was a little pimp when I was a little kid. Anyway, every instance there was a lot of fear involved, or the keep-it-in-your-pants BS, or I friend-zoned myself.
Looking at the list I made really screwed me up. The list was 30-40 events long. Then I started thinking about my dad, and how he never really taught me anything. We had money, sure, but my dad left the house before I woke and barely made it for dinner every night, just to take out his workday stress on me and then send me to bed. He never taught me a damn thing, other than tell me to "get good grades" in school. Once in awhile he played basketball with me in the driveway, but other than that he usually just vegged in front of the TV to unwind. My brother and sister do nothing but gush praises upon him for raising them right, being such an inspiration, but really all he did was write checks. I could only think that I have to do a better job with my own children than he did with me when it comes to being prepared for many aspects of life he never prepared me for.
All this junk coming up has really funked up my mood. Anyway, without writing a book and getting too specific, that's all I got.
On to V2.5!
When Shannon said that when you stop listening, you don't necessarily "stop listening," he wasn't kidding. I only listened to 2 loops yesterday, had a pretty good day. Nothing major to report, but my mood was good and had the typical DMSI IOIs in public. I even ran into my 5th grade teacher, who I had a crush on at that time, and damn she's hot. She's probably 11 years older than me. She was also my swim lessons instructor, and stayed with us when my folks went out-of-town. She asked me for my number and told me she'd be in touch. Hmm...
No loops overnight. Today has been emotional, a little anxiety, and a trip to the past. I literally wrote down every instance I blew an opportunity with a girl, was hurt by a girl, was jealous of a girl - starting with the rejection my next door neighbor childhood friend gave me when I was 5 and I asked her to marry me. I also remembered getting caught playing doctor by her mom, as well as another girl and HER mom. I got severely punished both times. Man, I was a little pimp when I was a little kid. Anyway, every instance there was a lot of fear involved, or the keep-it-in-your-pants BS, or I friend-zoned myself.
Looking at the list I made really screwed me up. The list was 30-40 events long. Then I started thinking about my dad, and how he never really taught me anything. We had money, sure, but my dad left the house before I woke and barely made it for dinner every night, just to take out his workday stress on me and then send me to bed. He never taught me a damn thing, other than tell me to "get good grades" in school. Once in awhile he played basketball with me in the driveway, but other than that he usually just vegged in front of the TV to unwind. My brother and sister do nothing but gush praises upon him for raising them right, being such an inspiration, but really all he did was write checks. I could only think that I have to do a better job with my own children than he did with me when it comes to being prepared for many aspects of life he never prepared me for.
All this junk coming up has really funked up my mood. Anyway, without writing a book and getting too specific, that's all I got.
On to V2.5!
