Absolute Self confidence journal

[Jay]

I've come to the conclusion that I do love being alone when I really get into a hobby or if I just want to chill. I have an all or nothing perfectionist mind, I do tend to see stuff in black in white. That is what ended up closing me off to other people, I thought I was better off without them and I didn't really put any effort into my interactions as much as I should have.

I've struggled with the same for years, still do sometimes but I can identify it better, turns out the root cause for it is anxiety, which in effect triggers the amygdala (fight or flight response). Since the amygdala turns off the higher brain functions (neo-cortex) you're not able to see things as a grey area (rational) anymore, just in black and white (emotional). And then every experience or interaction becomes a mountain from a molehill, and seems so definitive and absolute. Especially when it wasn't a great interaction, you'll blow it up, expand on it and beat yourself up for it because it wasn't absolutely bloody perfect. It's like having a little grain of sand stuck in your eye, and only focusing on that while missing out on all the good stuff.

A solution for this is being able to relax yourself, meditation or breathing techniques (7/11 technique which is basically breathing air in for 7 seconds and breathing air out for 11 seconds, while doing this twenty times) this is one that I use the most (since you can almost can do it everywhere), also you have to be able to identify b&w and anxiety thinking as well. You may also want to watch this old geezer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crx5Vug3OlQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbrAqZWyFCM

I also recommend using the NLP Compulsion Blow-out technique in order to deal with negative experiences in the past which can cause you anxiety (now), it tends to soften them up.

Along with regarding self-doubt you want to watch the following:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpgmYK90wtI

[Jackie]

Going along with the sedona method philosophy, anything like this 'problem' of 'being a loner' isn't the problem, it's you beating yourself up about it. If you are totally happy and okay being by yourself, that's fine.

Yeah, its hard to tell sometimes and I feel like I'm very critical of myself. Some days I do like talking to people, other days I just want to be alone. Even in that last post I was critical about how I should be more open to people, but I see its just another attempt to try to fix myself and not genuinely accept who I am. It's a way to run from my emotions and come up with a strategy instead of just living through it and accepting it. I will definitely keep pushing my comfort zone little by little, but right now my priorities aren't really focused on becoming popular and having a lot of friends.

Right now maybe I'm just going through a slump and I shouldn't analyze whats going on. Maybe I should just accept these emotions and make the best of my situation. Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed because I don't talk to enough people or if its depression causing a lack of interest. Either way its still an emotional struggle that I've yet to fully get under control. It fluctuates a lot. But thats why I decided to try this subliminal because I think I do have issues to some degree with my subconscious mind.

I used to go to therapy, didn't help one bit. Probably because the guy was very incompetent and just asserted over and over that having anxiety wasn't a bad thing and I should just embrace it. That was just his excuse because he knew he couldn't actually do anything to help me. I understand the whole accept anxiety and don't judge it, but I believe anxiety stems from subconscious beliefs that are firmly rooted and those need to be addressed.

My mind is a jumbled mess right now, I don't even know what to do anymore so I'm just gonna quit thinking about it and just try to live my life.

Hey Mat,

I just want to draw from personal experience and my psychology background, that some people are naturally more introverted and others more extroverted. Most people are a mix of the two and may lean more in one direction than the other. This means that if you tend to be more introverted that you draw more of your energy from being alone, which is totally fine. I feel like you're judging yourself perhaps too harshly for being more of an introvert. Extroverted people thrive on interactions with others and often don't like being alone.

I consider myself to be an extroverted introvert, meaning that I used to be really introverted and have worked hard to become more extroverted. It sounds like you're trying to do the same thing. What this meant for me is that I would have days where I drew my energy from other people, and then other days I got my energy from being left alone. It used to confuse me as to why I was this way, but I've learned over the years that it's ok and I just need to pay close attention to what my mood is on any particular day. Don't force yourself to be social if you're not feeling it that day, and don't judge yourself for it. I purposefully will not go out and do social things unless I'm in in an extroverted space because I know I won't enjoy myself and I don't want to put on a fake face. But, if I spend too much time alone or don't get out enough, I start to get depressed. So it's a balancing act.

When I get overwhelmed or stressed out, it takes all my energy, so I don't feel like being social. Lately, I've been an introvert. Starting a new job and moving does that to you. So stress can have a lot to do with it too, but just keep in mind that it's ok to have different social needs day by day. You just have to be true to yourself and not judge based on how you think you should be. Over time, when you get more comfortable with being an extroverted introvert, the anxiety and self confidence will get better too. At least it did for me.

[mat422]

Thanks for the tips Jay. I'm going to start breathing right from now on and relaxing. I used to do it in the past but then I dropped it for some reason. It really helps put me in a more present state of mind.

Thanks for that Jackie. I'm definitely more of an introvert and I guess I never felt too accepting of that. With this self-confidence subliminal I guess I was really just trying to alter who I was instead of improving myself. I see now that what I was trying to change with this subliminal was my introverted nature and thats what was causing me a lot of distress.

I might be dropping this subliminal though. The more I think about it the more I realize the one true reason I don't have confidence is because I don't trust myself. All my life I have depended on something outside myself in order to allow me to get through life. It's like if I didn't have the answers outside myself I was in constant anxiety. I think this anxiety was a manifestation of not trusting myself and thinking I needed some technique to better myself.

Maybe I'll come back to it, but I'm not sure. Right now I'm going to start meditating and searching deep within myself and find out why I don't trust myself. I think all my life I've had this belief that I'm not confident, but practicing meditation really helped me in the past learn to accept myself and understand that I am good enough by myself and I don't need to improve myself.

[Benjamin]

Hey Mat,
I think those thoughts you are having are a good reason to continue with the subliminals. With stuff like this (i'm going off a few months of holosync) because it is 'letting go' of stuff, it will bring up alot of doubts, excuses etc to try to make you stop. Your mind is scared shows that change is happening and it's trying to resist it.

It also comes up with very natural, good sounding reasons why you should stop.

Sure your reason does sound logical and makes sense. But I bet you it's just a stage and continuing with the subliminal will help you clear it up.

It's always yourself who is making the changes, because you are the one who keeps playing the subliminals, they are a good tool to unleash that confidence you want.

[mat422]

You know Benjamin I think you are right. I've come too far with this subliminal to back down now. I'm sure my mind is just coming up with these crazy schemes to get me to stop. The appeal of just stopping the subliminal and relying on myself is very strong, but I've done that in the past and it got me very little result.

From now on I'm just going to listen to the subliminal and forget about it and just relax. I'm going to stop focusing on change so much and just enjoy my life and accept who I am.

[ronatello]

Keep going and DON'T STOP! It's just your ego combined with your subconscious coming up with BS excuses resisting change.

[mat422]

11/21/10

Just figured I'd post another little entry in here. Not so much what happened, but what I've come to discover about myself. I've found that through the years I've attempted to make myself invincible by not really allowing myself to be who I naturally am. Whenever I'd go into a place that gave me anxiety I'd become a different person and I would shell off myself from other people. I was always very aloof and because I didn't want to be vulnerable tended to be very shallow. It was all to protect some perfect image of myself and my ego.

So I've come to the realization that anxiety doesn't make me any less of a person. Trying to hide that anxiety and pretend I'm someone I'm not does however. So my goal now is whenever I'm around people and have anxiety is to make myself feel vulnerable. To make myself aware that I WILL receive negative judgment because not everyone will like you and that is a fact. It is all part of being human and coming to terms that I'm not perfect and accepting that.

From now on I'm going to reassure myself that I don't have anything to prove to anyone. I'm just going to be myself. I've never realized how much of a perfectionist attitude I've had up until this point, but it's all coming together like pieces of a puzzle.

[Jackie]

You have a lot of great insights that a lot of people don't take the time to figure out about themselves. You're doing tough work, but it will pay off. I would encourage you to stick with the sub though. Think of it this way, even though it's Shannon's program and is a tool to self help, it's still your mind doing all the work. You're still doing all the work, it just doesn't seem that way because all the work is being done in the background. Obviously when you go see a therapist, it seems like you're outwardly working on yourself because you're going through the action of seeing a therapist and working out your problems. With these subs, it's not the same outward action...you push a button and go to sleep. But, I guess my point is, that regardless of the action you're taking to improve yourself, you're still doing it. You're just giving your mind a different tool to do it with.

You remind me very much of myself. I know that one of the things that helped me get over the need of approval from others was self love. I created more self love by forcing myself to think more positively. A lot of people don't realize how negative their self talk is, and over time it can affect your self esteem. When I started to focus on the positive, and pump myself up over the things I like about myself, that need for approval started to matter less and less. You start to deflect the negative thoughts and feelings you have about yourself that get in the way of becoming more confident. I believe that what you think of yourself is the most important thing. You are no more or less of a human being because of what others might think. No one has control over you and your emotions. You do. And when you seek approval from others, you give them a certain power and control that should be your own. You just have to decide to take ownership. How you do that is up to you. But I do think this sub could help you help yourself if you give it a chance, but that's ultimately up to you. I just think that with your approach, you'll find answers one way or another once you set your mind to it.

[mat422]

Thanks Jackie. I've definitely decided to stick with the subliminal. Part of me was ashamed that I had to use a subliminal as a "crutch". But I realize that was just me trying to perpetuate my false image of independence. I'm sure a lot of people in this world could benefit from subliminals, but sometimes pride just gets in the way. It's very easy to stay in denial and play out the whole victim mentality. It's hard to admit that you need help and then actually DO something about it.

What I like to do now is whenever I find my mind buzzing with thoughts is just breathe. I used to try to get into the now moment after reading eckhart tolle, but that was too difficult and just made me think more. When you focus on your breath, thoughts stop and you are left with a very peaceful and loving state of mind.

[mat422]

11/22/10

So today I took my newfound discoveries about myself and addressed them while I was on campus today. I was walking around and instead of retreating into my shell I made sure that I was truly feeling my anxiety. I tackled the beast that tormented me for so long instead of hiding like I did in the past. I focused on my breathing which helped calm the nausea effect I usually get in my stomach and I tried to relax as much as possible and be aware of my surroundings. It was literally painful and my chest hurt a lot, but I didn't give up. I made sure that when I walked past a group of people I felt that anxiety fully and the ridiculous thoughts that were attached to it.

I talked to a cute girl today in one of my classes. I wasn't comfortable AT ALL but I made sure not to hide behind a false image of confidence. Instead I let myself have that anxiety and I said whatever was on my mind and I focused on being myself as much as possible. It wasn't easy but it was more satisfying than playing it safe.

My achievement today was rather small in the eyes of someone else, but it was huge for me. My anxiety seems to have take on a different form. Before it was very generic and I had nauseau, rapid heart beat, and a tendency to shell myself off. But now when I accept it, it manifest as intense stress around my chest which drains me of my energy. I couldn't keep it up all day because the feeling got pretty painful, so I had a tendency to avoid stressful situations just a little.

[Jay]

It's great that you're actually allowing yourself to feel the anxiety, instead of just thinking that you're powerless over your emotions. The past few months it's been pretty revelating to me to see what great bull**** stories our fears and negativity has spun together in order to keep ourselves from being yourself.

With ASC I noticed that I had less incriminating thoughts than before, and I had less issues with showing myself towards others, and it also introduced a new sort of calmness into me along with putting more emphasis on my positive/strong points. And when I started using Overcome Social Anxiety I actually started drawing energy from crowds, in a sense that it gave me an incredible adrenaline rush instead of just feeling miserable and wanting to hide from them. I actually started going to places that I usually would avoid, would even joke around with shop clerks and whatnot, and it was great feeling the anxiety but then again being able to oversee it. What can I say these first few trials were ****ing great.

It's pretty strange but then again liberating to see your personal dialogue go from being fear based and demeaning to yourself towards being appreciative and comforting, and just making your anxiety in some sort of a game. Even if you mess up a social interaction you won't feel the need to start placing labels on yourself (or your whole self) that for example you're no good, and that you'll never change. You'll just see it as experience. Also you're allowed to fail, you don't have to do everything perfect the first time. I used to think that I would ruin someones entire day if I messed up an interaction, turns out that they barely if at all have forgotten about it or just don't care.

Also there is little good reason to belittle or even compare your experiences and accomplishments with other people, even if you didn't mean it in that way. If it's huge to you, it's huge to you. That's all what matters. Just don't compare others to make yourself feel better or worse, in the end you'll always lose.

From reading your journal it actually inspired me to start reading upon meditation and start meditating (somewhat properly) again, been feeling pretty solid and composed the last couple days, and will keep it as a daily "routine". So thanks for that.

[mat422]

Hey Jay thanks for the kind words. Something I've been doing lately thats been helping me a lot is mindfulness (active meditation). I've found my mind has a tendency to drift towards the negative a lot and I create unneeded pain and suffering merely by my dialogue. So whenever I feel my thoughts are getting negative I just center myself, breathe, and bring awareness to my body. I do this in addition to regular meditation because it allows me to train my mind throughout the day. It gets easier and easier the more I practice and I have come to realize just how much over-thinking I do instead of enjoying the present moment. As much as I love traditional meditation, the mind must also be carefully watched throughout the day. The benefit of being more present is you get to see the world for what it truly is and have a very non-judgmental peaceful attitude.

[mat422]

11/23/10

I woke up with some negative self talk, but I realized I had control over that and stopped it. In the past I usually went along with it and played the victim mentality, not today. So I went through my first class, talked to a girl I'm friends with after. In the past I always worried what to talk about, but today I just chilled and observed the silence. She doesn't talk much and shes a little on the shy side, but so am I lol so it's a bit difficult. But I didn't beat myself up for having nothing to say because I was just enjoying the moment.

Here's where my day gets interesting though. I was on my way to my next class and I got there a little early, so I just sat down and relaxed outside. Lately I've been trying to be less in my head and more in the present moment. I don't know the reasoning behind it but I get a lot more girls checking me out.

Anyway I was just sitting there enjoying the moment when I notice this girl checking her phone a couple feet in front of me. So I'm all relaxed, but then she starts walking towards me and sits down next to me, not too far away and not too close. I could tell something was up. At this point my anxiety is spiking, bad. I finally understand what they mean by fight or flight response. I felt the need to get out of there, like she was some kind of saber tooth tiger, lol talk about irrational fears. But I stayed there, I accepted that anxiety and focused on my breathing. So the next thing this girl does is ask me what time it is, really cute sweet girl. I give her the time trying to remain as calm as possible, but then I realize something, she checked the time about 2 min ago and shes got her own phone lol. So I figured that was her way of starting a conversation. I go along with it, asking her if shes got a class to go to and she says she just got out and is waiting for her sister to pick her up. My mind is blanking out at this point, simple sentences are getting harder to register in my brain, but I keep at it. We start talking a little, nothing major just idle chit chat. I let her know my name and she gives me hers. I tell her I gotta get to class, but it was nice meeting her and maybe I'll see her around campus. She smiles, says goodbye. That last line came out pretty smooth lol I was very worried I wasn't gonna get it out right.

I think I went into shock after that lol. You know when something happens and you can't believe it just did? Like right now as I'm typing it feels so weird that I did that and it kind of feels like a dream lol. I definitely know I did it but at the same time I felt like someone else took over my body. I didn't expect any of that to happen today and maybe thats exactly why it did haha.

So it was a mixed bag of feelings while I was talking to her. Looking back I can say it was nice, but in the moment I felt like the anxiety greatly overpowered my feelings of enjoyment. Also despite her positive reaction I still thought I came across as weird and awkward, but I know thats only a negative pattern I've somehow instilled over the years. Probably from the anxiety messing up my perceptions and causing me to view life through a filter.

[ronatello]

Matt: great job on pushing yourself out of your comfort zone! Just keep at it and it will continue to get easier.