Absolute Self confidence journal

[mat422]

Hey everybody just decided to make a journal so I could stay committed to the subliminal. My mind is trying to think of every reason NOT to listen to this subliminal and I feel like it's all a defense mechanism to prevent me from changing. I've tried EFT, hypnosis, sedona, affirmations, all that good stuff, but my mind always prevents me from moving forward. I'm hoping the subliminal can help me out.

I really wanted to do alpha male, but right now it's out of my budget and I really need something to help me with my social anxiety. I used to think I was just hardwired this way and anxiety just happened to me, but the truth is I'm terrified of what other people think of me. I always distance myself from others and make sure I don't get hurt. Its taken me until now to realize that its not anxiety thats stopping me, but my lack of confidence in myself.

Anyway, I listened to the subliminal and it seemed to clear emotions from my body, almost like a release. My theory on affirmations and subliminals is they aren't something that you say over and over and it magically happens because of beliefs. I think they just bring up repressed emotions and experiences that prevent you from experiencing that actual belief. I could be wrong, but I think everyone was born into this world to be successful and those that didn't grow up in the right environment were hindered.

[Jay]

Hey Mat,

I can pretty much relate to what you’ve described here, I have also walked around for years while thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with me, along with being very self-conscious and scared of other people’s opinions and thoughts about me, because if they would say something negative it would only confirm what I already thought about myself.

It’s only in the last few years that I’ve come to the realization that it was all in my head, and that through a few traumatic events (mostly caused by people that had issues of their own, but felt like projecting them onto me so they could feel better for a whole 2 minutes) my own self image became worse and worse because you’ll actually start looking and attracting evidence, and when you start looking for something you’re bound to find it even if contrary evidence is staring you right in the face.

When I first started using the ASC sub a lot of things changed for me, it made me realize that it had been a very long time since I felt particularly happy about myself, and that I had a lot less negative thoughts when I was in public places. I also noticed that I was less restrained about speaking up my mind and just being myself. Even though I did manage to build my confidence up a bit in the last few years, it was nothing compared to this, this was a newly found freedom.

It’s actually a great sign that your subconscious is fighting against the subliminals, it really hates change (even good change) especially if some concepts have been drilled in ferociously by you for years. It likes being sure of itself, and it will attack anything that proves it otherwise. It will absolutely try to sabotage your efforts, emphasizing your (past) “failures” to conjure up more evidence so after it made you quit it can tell you “Haha, I told you so”. But keep listening to the subliminals (since it’s no effort, and you have so much to gain), and to yourself instead of your subconscious, and good times will come

Good luck!

[Jackie]

Hi Mat!

Thanks for starting a journal on this program! I have been thinking about trying SC out as well, and seeing that you're going to start your own journal just encourages me to think more seriously about starting the program myself. I completely sympathized with what you were saying about anxiety and need of approval. I just started a new job, and I'm finding my self confidence fluctuates a lot. Sometimes I'm so afraid of messing something up, or not meeting someone else's standard that it actually holds me back from doing certain things in fear of failure. That's lack of self confidence on my part. I think we all need to realize, hopefully with the help of these subs, that we are all very capable human beings who don't need the approval of others in order to thrive. That's a lesson I keep learning over and over, but it takes time to stick. Thanks for chiming in, and I look forward to hearing about your results!

[mat422]

Thanks for the support it means a lot to me. I'm really determined to get this sorted out and no matter what my mind is telling me I will not stop listening to this subliminal!

12/13/10
So I pretty much listened to it all last night. I don't have high quality speakers so I'm just using the masked subliminal with some pillow speakers. I try to listen to it as loud as possible without disturbing my sleep. Anyway I woke up this morning in a pretty good mood ready to take on my day. I felt a lot better than the day before when I was almost hopeless and ready to quit. I'm thinking this mostly has to do with some anxiety being relieved because now I have an answer to my self confidence issues. It's like having one less thing to worry about. I didn't really do anything today except homework lol. I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow morning to tell if this subliminal actually increases my mood or if its just placebo.

An interesting thing happened when I went to go play the subliminal while doing my homework today. I felt a lot of anxiety and stress. At first I thought it was the homework, but after I turned off the subliminal I felt a lot more at ease. Who knows maybe the ocean waves just aggravated me while I was doing the homework haha. My mind is still trying to get me to quit by using all types of excuses. My favorite one is if I become more self confident I won't be myself anymore, ha. Its really funny how I KNOW I want this, how I don't want to feel like I'm trapped anymore, but a part of me is resisting so much. I definitely get anxiety when I think of listening to the subliminal, but I'm gonna keep on pushing myself.

I think the most painful thing for me is how I'm perfectly capable of handling myself physically, but emotionally I'm a wreck. I used to do MMA, and I got used to getting punched in the face, choked out, kicked, etc. But despite all that if someone rejects me or insults me it hurts so bad and I feel so weak. It sucks in the workplace because my bosses always saw themselves as superior to me in some way, but if they ever got in a fight with me it would be over real fast. I guess thats why I started MMA, I figured if I had enough confidence to fight people in a ring it would help with my social anxiety, but it never did. Oh its so funny how the human mind works sometimes.

[Benjamin]

Sounds like your doing good.

That anxious feeling, strangely is most likely a good thing, it usually means stuff is coming up and coming out (letting go.)

I realized this today. With hypnosis programs they always promise smooth and easy change, but I always noticed the effects didn't last long and I got no resistance to them.

But with the subliminals (alpha male) I have been getting emotions come up and I know it means something is happening because it's the same with holosync. It tells me it is working on changing and letting go of stuff and building the good stuff back in and will be much more pemanent.

It's a hard thing to accept that with change there will be emotions come up and it can be intense, it's all just your mind trying to protect you because it things it's a threat.. just accept it.. allow it to be there.. it's okay.. it's just feelings, thoughts and sensations in your body.. could you just allow them to be there?

Sedona Method has really helped me with being able to do this.

The anxiety and stress while listening sounds like it was your mind trying to resist it, learn to judge it, I know atleast with holosync if you get too overwhelmed its okay to take a day off until it dies down a bit and then continue.

-Ben

[mat422]

11/15/10

And I'm back for another exciting journal entry, lol. No not really, but I think its important to write down any little changes to give me the added motivation boost.

Today I woke up dead tired. I usually am pretty tired on mondays anyway, so that didn't come as too much of a surprise. I was a little more tired than usual, which means 1 of 2 things. One, the ocean waves subliminal disrupted my sleep pattern somewhat. Or two, the subliminal is really knocking around my subconscious mind and its draining me. I'd like to think its the second one, but I can't be too sure.

Overall I'd like to say the subliminal is really kicking in. Not drastically, but very subtly. At this point in my life I can't even imagine what it will feel like having unshakable confidence. I've gone all my life with lack of confidence, so I can't even fathom how much freedom I'm going to have. I'd have to liken it to Plato's cave or being free from the matrix.

The most interesting effect of this subliminal for me was I realized that I was much more at peace. I had in the past tried to be in the present moment like Eckhart Tolle advised, but it just put more mental strain on me. Now its kind of like auto-pilot, I don't have to worry about being present because I already am.

Oh I also caught a few glances from girls on campus today, but I was only really able to make eye contact with a few of them. Anyway thats enough of an achievement for me because I'm usually so anxious I can't look ANYONE in the eyes without getting really anxious. Its funny though because once I made eye contact with them they look away nervously, haha girls are funny and just as self conscious as guys sometimes. I'd like to think through my years of meditation I give off a powerful presence, but sometimes I give off a vibe that scares people. Its probably from the anxiety, I unconsciously toughen up and people probably pick up on it.

[ronatello]

The "tired" feeling... I got that like crazy when I first started using the Alpha Male subliminal. It's subsided as of late and it's more or less business as usual for me.
How much exposure (aside from listening to it at night) are you getting? The subliminals WILL work your subconscious hard and you will feel "drained" especially starting out. The effect lessens somewhat later on...

The most interesting effect of this subliminal for me was I realized that I was much more at peace. I had in the past tried to be in the present moment like Eckhart Tolle advised, but it just put more mental strain on me. Now its kind of like auto-pilot, I don't have to worry about being present because I already am.

That sounds about right. I also suffered the same as you and I feel much more at ease now than I ever did. And for me, the best is yet to come.

[mat422]

How much exposure (aside from listening to it at night) are you getting? The subliminals WILL work your subconscious hard and you will feel "drained" especially starting out. The effect lessens somewhat later on...

Funny you should ask this. I tried to listen to it more than just at night to really work my subconscious mind, but I found that it leaves me a little stressed out. So now I'm just listening at night only. Maybe as I get more accustomed I'll work up to more listening. I guess its like training a muscle, you need to work it hard but not overdo it.

But I was really upset this morning because I thought I listened to the subliminal all night and realized my mp3 player wasn't on repeat . So I only got half an hour of exposure last night. It was funny though, I felt more confident, but when I realized I didn't actually listen to the subliminal last night I didn't feel as good. So I think placebo might be a critical factor in my behavior these past few days. Or it might not lol.

[Benjamin]

I've noticed this tired feeling too. I have been quite tired over the last few days. Surprisingly tired yesterday that I went to bed way earlier and slept 13 hours.

A similar thing happened when I had professional FasterEFT sessions and let go of alot of stuff, after each one I slept like 13 hours. So I guess it tells me there's alot of internal work going on.

Usually if I oversleep I know it and feel really stuffed and kind of sick, but in these cases I don't feel too bad after sleeping all that time. I am a little tired, but not too bad.

[mat422]

11/17/10

Another update. Not much happening yet in terms of confidence but I'm finding myself really out of place right now. I went to my classes today and I just didn't want to talk to anyone. Not in an angry way, more of a eh I don't really feel like it. This could be due to my lack of energy, when I'm not as awake I tend to keep to myself a lot. I feel very disconnected from my life right now, and I might be struggling with some form of depression. Still I make the best of what I have and I tend to not label it as depression because it tends to give it more power.

On some level I want to be more social, but I also don't want to just put on a face and try to be social. I'd rather just be social without having to think about it. I've lived a large portion of my life as a loner, so I'm used to being alone a lot of the time. I don't get as much satisfaction talking and conversing like other people seem to do. But then again, this could all be one big defense mechanism to protect my delicate ego.

I think in some way I've convinced myself that I'm independent, but its rather stupid because human contact is important for anyone. I try to rationalize that I don't need people at an intellectual level, but I think I suffer at a more emotional level.

People always say that you should find happiness in yourself and I agree with this. But I think I've taken it to an extreme in order to avoid the anxiety of opening up to others. I try to convince myself that I'm happy, but I know in the back of my mind that I lack confidence and make up for it with social isolation.

It seems the subliminal is making me more aware of what I truly want vs what my ego wants.

[Jay]

I've got the following out of a depression self help book. If you have more than four of these underlying symptoms for a period more than two weeks, then you can be diagnosed with 'major' depression (as summarized in the book itself). Even though labeling yourself something can be seen as victim mentality, it also helps to acknowledge any problems (if there are any), and makes you look for a solution instead of just wondering what the hell is happening.

• Depressed mood
  
• Loss of pleasure or interest in usual activities
  
• Disturbance of appetite
  
• Sleep disturbance
  
• Feeling agitated or lethargic
  
• Loss of energy
  
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt
  
• Difficulties in thinking
  
• Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide
  

Personally I think being a loner is fine, as long as you're fine with it. This however depends on it being a choice, rather than what your social status would permit. If it's the latter, you're coming from a place of lack, and in that case you'll only start comparing yourself with other people and the worrying and self deprecation starts which in itself will definitely lead to depression.

I don't get as much satisfaction talking and conversing like other people seem to do.

What I clearly get out of that quote is things I already sorta described; Black and white / perfectionist thinking, comparing yourself with others, feeling like you're lacking something.

Let me ask you this, have you ever had a conversation in your life that was satisfactory? Focus on those experiences, I think you can debunk that quote Also you must have had conversations that were more satisfactory than other people's conversations.

Also people are selfish beings, the only way you can converse about something in a passionate way are only things that you identify or relate on a deep level with, and can be completely open and comfortable expressing with because you like it so much, and you want to share the joy, and even if this doesn't work it's still their loss. Some people who can relate will like or hate it, people who can't relate with it won't care. Also if you're passionate about something it can have a tendency to become infectious. And they'll start caring about it. They want to see what they're missing, what you have that they're lacking.

People only like to talk about themselves and the wondrous things they relate to or have personal interest, or put emotional value into. They also like to listen, as long as it is in their personal interest, as long as they can identify themselves with it and it seems to have value and they will walk away a better person after the conversation (this could also imply lending an ear in return for a favor that they might ask for in return later on).

The basis is this; If you want to have a satisfactory conversation with someone, then you're the person that is going to have to bring it to the table. Also if you have a tendency to shy away from people they'll easily think that you're an arrogant picrk that thinks that he is too good for them, or that you're simply not interested. Also if they have to put effort into you, for in order for you to care about something, they can find plenty of other people that don't need a push. You can't expect them to open all up and smoothly talk about "stuff" when the person opposite of them isn't opening all up and is smoothly talking about stuff

[mat422]

Jay that post really gave me some insight. Its funny because I stepped away from my computer and really dug deep and started thinking about this stuff. I came back to my computer and found out you had already posted the thoughts I had in my head lol.

I've come to the conclusion that I do love being alone when I really get into a hobby or if I just want to chill. I have an all or nothing perfectionist mind, I do tend to see stuff in black in white. That is what ended up closing me off to other people, I thought I was better off without them and I didn't really put any effort into my interactions as much as I should have. Partially because I was afraid and tried to make it impossible for others to reject me. But I grew up being an unpopular kid, probably from this same mentality and the social anxiety that always plagued me. So it is a hard habit to shake.

I've been trying to think with my heart lately instead of my head. I'm going to be more open to people and stop thinking so much and just go with what I feel. I think I tried to intellectualize my conversations instead of just allowing myself to enjoy them. Thus disconnecting me from human emotions. I think practicing the sedona method caused some detachment that wasn't healthy for me.

I read up a lot about the heart chakra and I'm pretty sure mine is closed off. So I'm going to focus on living with an open heart. It scares me because I feel so vulnerable. But I'd rather be vulnerable and happy, than closed off and miserable. Right now I think I'm leaning more towards a spiritual side of peace and love. Which I believe is a lot harder than just hiding behind an ego, but incredibly more rewarding.

Ah but I just realized this is black and white thinking too. I think peace and love is great and all, but sometimes people do need to be put in their place. Gah, this is how my mind thinks. I'm worried if I'm too open I'll just become a pushover. But I think thats just me worrying, I've handled myself in the past fine so I'm pretty sure I'm alright.

[Benjamin]

Interesting. I was about to mention the sedona method and seen you are already into it.

Going along with the sedona method philosophy, anything like this 'problem' of 'being a loner' isn't the problem, it's you beating yourself up about it. If you are totally happy and okay being by yourself, that's fine.

Depends if it's a protective mechanism because of fear or you genuinely enjoy it. It's been a bit of both for me. Have had alot of fear. But also I do enjoy my own time alone.

The detachment thing with sedona seems to be just a stage to go through, I went through it myself. I haven't done much sedona method in the last month or so as my coach who I talk to on skype told me to take it easy for a while, because I was using all kinds of self improvement as a rationalization I needed to 'fix' myself.

It is still there when I need it and I am able to welcome and be with emotions better in the moment.

[mat422]

Going along with the sedona method philosophy, anything like this 'problem' of 'being a loner' isn't the problem, it's you beating yourself up about it. If you are totally happy and okay being by yourself, that's fine.

Yeah, its hard to tell sometimes and I feel like I'm very critical of myself. Some days I do like talking to people, other days I just want to be alone. Even in that last post I was critical about how I should be more open to people, but I see its just another attempt to try to fix myself and not genuinely accept who I am. It's a way to run from my emotions and come up with a strategy instead of just living through it and accepting it. I will definitely keep pushing my comfort zone little by little, but right now my priorities aren't really focused on becoming popular and having a lot of friends.

Right now maybe I'm just going through a slump and I shouldn't analyze whats going on. Maybe I should just accept these emotions and make the best of my situation. Sometimes I wonder if I'm depressed because I don't talk to enough people or if its depression causing a lack of interest. Either way its still an emotional struggle that I've yet to fully get under control. It fluctuates a lot. But thats why I decided to try this subliminal because I think I do have issues to some degree with my subconscious mind.

I used to go to therapy, didn't help one bit. Probably because the guy was very incompetent and just asserted over and over that having anxiety wasn't a bad thing and I should just embrace it. That was just his excuse because he knew he couldn't actually do anything to help me. I understand the whole accept anxiety and don't judge it, but I believe anxiety stems from subconscious beliefs that are firmly rooted and those need to be addressed.

My mind is a jumbled mess right now, I don't even know what to do anymore so I'm just gonna quit thinking about it and just try to live my life.