AM6 Round 2

[jonathan4all]

Just thinking as stage 1 is a normalize-stage. How does it function in you? As you have already run once. How stage 1 normalize on your full growth of previous 6 months.

[Darwinn]

It's hard to say really. I think at my first round i wasn't really 'with it' or nearly as aware.

My feeling is that this hasn't 'normalised' me as such but has equipped me with attitudes for the road ahead. My desire is to face my problems and fears head on, to take pleasure in them, laughing at them/not taking them too serioiusly whilst paradoxically working seriously to move beyond them.

What i lack is the drive, the fire in the belly to do this. that's my challenge now.

roughly following from this and slightly tangential. I met a guy last night who was totally stuck in his life, the man is literally addicted to childrens computer games (not even call of duty) and kept telling me that he 'couldn't be bothered to change', that he was 'happy the way he is', and kept making excuses about why he didn't need to do what others did. I think if i were in his situation (and before my first run of am6 i almost was - albeit without the computer games - my addictions were not so much better, sitting around eating carbs and watching box sets!) I would need some serious pain in order to jolt me out of it as a motivational tool.

So pain is what i'm pursuing in a slightly wierd way.

the problem with pain is that it has diminishing returns, there's only so much you can beat a horse before it basically dies, and for me i beat myself so much that i just hated myself. I'm not going down that route now. meeting a few people in the pick up community just made me feel that picking a goal, whatever it is, whether it's picking up girls or building a business or becoming like the greatest chef who ever lived, and committing to it is the key to over coming this. being clear and singular in this gives you the 'right-kind' of pain motivation.

by right pain i mean, you suffer because you're not meeting your mark and you're pushing yourself to meet it. you might be approaching girls, or getting dissed by girls and you're rasing insecurities to over come. under performing at work because you don't have your fitness together so your focus is off but you just try and set little daily goals.

bad pain is just self loathing, telling yourself you're a peace of shit. when really you're actually awesome for facing this crap (and it's almost beyond doubt that very few people do face it)

I don't know how to do pleasure motivation. doesn't work for me really, but i do feel it on the other side of growth - and that's not so much pleasure as it is happiness.

[Darwinn]

5 days into stage two I think.

I feel like this is the 'stop giving a sh*t about stupid things' stage. it's been draining, i'm extremely tired so it's possible that my general antipathy stems from that. just generally feeling a little dazed. it ain good.

It also feels like nothinig has happened in these last 5 days but looking over my personal journal it's been immense. I had a relative get ill and there was no one around so i had to step up and be, for all intents and purposes, a nurse. had a hot friend come from out of town who i was flirting with constantly, I crossed lines which i never would have gotten away with before and it was all fun. I went out as well with complete strangers from work and was generally making everyone laugh.

Still my brain feels lethargic, hard to concentrate and get into gear with mental activity. i get stuck with oneits on more than one girl at the same time lol, i'm just afraid of losing them, and the desire to be in a relationship, to have that comfort is strong.

I went to an RSD event and i heard some really interesting and useful things. One of these was to eliminate the need for completion and comfort. it just ain gonna happen. I think you meet a girl and you get love and validation and it's intoxicating. In a cold ass worldd ther'es nothing warmer, its like heroine. then you start dwelling getting stuckj and before you know it you're needy.

Same goes for work. Wanting validation you just wan to get to the end - to feel safe. then because you get stuck or things don't go according to plan you can negatively spiral because your vision of completion is jeopordised, and you get nothing done!

ergh. i need to see my tapping coach again. or try pstech again. just don't feel like i have the brain power to do it alone though.

[Darwinn]

So I just thought screw it I'm going to give pstec a serious try. For about an hour and a half I ran this on a composite of emotions and memories. They kept shifting, as did the feeling of where the emotion was in my body.

I cried twice. Not like just tears, but like sobbing. I'm slightly disturbed by this, either I'm doing it wrong and something is going awry or I got a lot more deep rooted issues than I thought.

[zen]

You do it right - in the beginning I had the same sensations with PSTEC - especially the tears in my eyes. Plus, it's normal to feel a strong sensation inside your solar plexus if the emotion/memory is powerful.

I recommend you to try the advanced PSTEC after one or some months. You will see/feel a big difference.

[Darwinn]

The solar plexus feeling felt like my heart chakra was tearing apart.

[Darwinn]

After last night's PSTEC session seem to be touching upon the same sort of self value and freedom from outcome which i had during my LTU experience - doing things from a point of self esteem rather than from a lack/or desire to be complete. it's still not there completely but it strikes me that this is the most powerful position to be in, to be needless and self validating - it's what i wanted to do AM6 for in the first place, just to be free.

More work needs to be done though. last nights session brought up endless images and i really felt i understood the first instances in my life where i started seeking validation and comfort externally - i want to take a number of passes on the key images which stuck out - but there are times where i just don't feel anything, thinking that i've got rid of the issue and then it comes back up stronger than ever.

The pain in my solar plexus is still partly there. i'm still needy of external love/validation - can't wait to be done and free of this.

[Darwinn]

7 days into stage 2, and 2 evenings i've used pstec.

I find it interesting to note that using pstec these last couple of days made me somehow use feft with a little more ease. I have problems waking up in the morning and always get to work late. So after PSTEC 2 days ago, I ran the image of me trying to wake up in the morning and tapped on all the reasons i wanted to go back to bed, took about 6-7 passes then the next day i woke up without hitting the snooze button for the first time in months. same went for today.

These two tools are great, i think PSTEC has complimented FEFT by opening me up to the images and emotions behind lots of different memories and experiences.

a lot of coincidence in meeting people i know in random places. in the last three days alone i've just happened to bump into 5 people i used to know well but hardly see anymore even in social occasions - and i live in a very big city so it's kind of strange! I don't know why this sort of manifestation would be taking place even.

[Darwinn]

if tiredness is symptomatic of a lot of change then i must be changing a crap load. yesterday i could barely speak, my mind was all over the place.

the tapping work on my ability to wake up in the morning seems to have helped and is holding. it's very encouraging, because i haven't had real results without working with a coach before. there are a number of areas where i seek comfort and it slows my life down immensely.

My list of things to tap on now are;
- comfort eating, particularly white carbs/pasta/junk food
- social drinking; i want to end my dependence on alcohol to socialise
- sleeping on time; this is important, i'm working out a lot now and with subs on top its even more important i get good sleep
- following through with tasks
- perfectionism; i rarely get started because nothing i do is good enough, i'm constantly critiquing myself and it's not helping


The big one, however is overcoming my barriers to success and self sabotage, which i will try to pstec on heavily tonight.

/Darwin

[Darwinn]

12 nights of stage 2

Don't know what the hell pstech is doing but I come across the most random memories while I do it and then start crying like a beyatch.

My goals are set now for the next few months. And I'm daily journal lying my progress just because it helps me to stay on track. Energy is an issue that needs to be locked down though.

Last few days I don't think much has happened. Some heart to hearts with people I would never have had them with before. Otherwise finding my way to a new way of living which I think will be far more productive to how I've been before. I won't say anything until it's fully integrated into my life, otherwise it will just be a lot of talk and no action.

That's all I got since the last post

[Darwinn]

Going to gym HARD at the moment. All i can think of is the goals i have to pursue and the pain of not being independent. The very thought of being dependent on anyone is repulsive to me.

tapping released a level of anger and bitterness i've never experienced before. every slight, every time someon has crossed boundaries and i haven't had the power to do anything about it.

I get angry just thinking about it now. I'm slightly worried i might just lose it with someone at work.

Particularly annoyed with girls. This one girl was chasing me for ages. then kept asking for me to spend time with her. i wasn't interested, she got under my skin and then once that happened i basically pushed her away. she became really lovey dovey and friendly again, and is now just being cold. I figure she was just into it because she had some fascination with me and then that disappered. i'm annoyed about how selfish that is but then as i write i don't think im much better. i think if someone holds no interest for me anymore i just go straight cold...karma?

anyway it's been a good experience.

generally i'm getting sh*t from people again. i don't know why. some girl started telling me off the other day for no reason.

I don't want to talk to anyone. i don't really want to socialise. I got a short timne to make a lot of shit happen and i don't really care about anything else. there is a last remaining vestige of doubt in me that says i should keep social that its not healthy to be too alone and wrapped up in what you're doing but i might just pstec that Sh*t and move on.

I'm growing toward needlessness.

[Darwinn]

So this is new, waking up intermittently through the night with a shout and soaked in sweat! I can't remember any dreams or anything.

Nothing else to say except I'm terrified of poverty, losing time and the fact that death is approaching all too soon and I'm
Just lazing around! So probably healthy fears. And they're kicking my ass into gear

[swisston]

Nothing else to say except I'm terrified of poverty, losing time and the fact that death is approaching all too soon and I'm
Just lazing around!

Ha, you aren't the only one with that fear!

[Darwinn]

Well I've been in bed all day sick after pushing it harder at the gym than ever before. I've spent much of the day reading about nutrition and supplementation needed for optimum brain function.

It's helped to explain a lot and has made me thing that the best investment of my time and energy would be to fix my 'broken brain' as it were.

And there's something definitely that's been broken about it. I still go into work and just can't focus. I run out of mental energy within about 2 hours of starting and then just zone out or coast. That's not normal but then from what I've read nether is my lifestyle which consists, diet wise, in surviving off of processed crap, cigarettes alcohol and coffee and till recently no real exercise!

Now this is good. I'm highly motivated to get this handled. At the same time, as I said above - the circumstances of my life are a little frightening. Financially I'm insecure, I'm still not performing great at work and finding it hard to get stuff done. The lack of control i have starts with health though. No proper mental function no nothing!