02-15-2015, 05:34 AM
I think I'm going to do the refresher afterwards.
The second time round revealed to me the real power of these subs, i think this alone was very important to me.. I've essentially gone through the same cycle as last time, but now with 'better' (i say that in quotation marks because, better doesnt exactlty mean feeling good...in fact its pretty awful some times) results, perhaps because i'm more aware.
For example. I wrote above that in stage 6, i'm finding an almost impassable lack of care about my office work and life. it's like everything inside me refuses to give a shit, moody, annoyed, dispondent. allowing myself to sit with this feeling helped me to understand that what i'm intensely resisiting is doing anything that i haven't fully chosen to do myself. I won't be forced into anything, not by threat of a bad review, or losing my job or whatever, and this in turn is forcing me to do things out of being good to myself (again).
This time around was all in all more intense. I was on ADHD meds for a good portion of it (roughly two stages), and that sent me all over the place, prior to those however, i was more determined, focussed and disciplined than i had ever been. I was also leading my family, and some friends through tough times of their own without getting sucked in, drawing solid boundaries with people who play games and try to take advantage (including women) and so on. I'm quickly getting back on the wagon, having been slightly side tracked.
I still have a few problems though. I 'short-circuit' in the face of authority or someone who is very intimidating/successful, and become quiet. I have also stopped caring about a lot of things, which is a double edged sword. Mentally I feel slow, like i'm unable to process conversations well. I know very well this is a by-product from lack of exercise, diet, and alcohol though.
At work I had someone essentially trying to bully me. at first i got so incredibly angry, to the point where i was going to rage at everyone and storm out of the place with a big 'fugg you'. I had developed the power to be able to do that - which is something, but then i calmed down and the not giving too much of a sh*t kicked in. I moved on and let it go, now that person is being quite nice to me.
I feel like AM6 is never going to be a happy fun journey. of course periods of fun, and elation come after getting past a particularly dark challenge or hole, but Manhood and leadership is created by challenge and challenge alone, facing demons externally and internally. You can try to do things to avoid them aiming for a smooth AM6 ride, but my suspicion (and it's only a theory at the moment) is that it will challenge you harder each time, since your capacity for growth will expand.
I read a great book called 'the obstacle is the way' by Ryan Holiday, which explains Stoicism through the historical figures that praciticed/demonstrated its practices. What is common amongst them, and other leaders you can see is long periods of battling through depression, and anxiety, until they reach a sort of surrendered state of action and a functional relationship with their own sense of mortality and their lifes purpose. I think particularly about Lincoln who himself spent long periods of his life brooding and depressed.
Thinking on where I was coming from as well. I've been considered manly by a lot of people, but i know that was just a facade, I was incredibly beaten down by life, and considered myself a complete failure.
right now i still feel like a failure from time to time, and can be intimidated though comparison with others, or just my lack of progress in life. this perversely provides energy for advancement but too much and it becomes limiting. So after a bit more time on the refresher stage I'll go for something more positive, like BASE, LTU or maybe even EPRHA. I'm tempted to go straight for BAMM, considering whether locking myself in for the long run is worth it given the pace of advancement of these subs though. Sex Magnet would be valuable as well, but i'm at an age where I need to get the financial side of my life under control first.
Nevertheless I will have to return to AM6 or its future variants again for full runs a few times in my life. That's still clear.
The second time round revealed to me the real power of these subs, i think this alone was very important to me.. I've essentially gone through the same cycle as last time, but now with 'better' (i say that in quotation marks because, better doesnt exactlty mean feeling good...in fact its pretty awful some times) results, perhaps because i'm more aware.
For example. I wrote above that in stage 6, i'm finding an almost impassable lack of care about my office work and life. it's like everything inside me refuses to give a shit, moody, annoyed, dispondent. allowing myself to sit with this feeling helped me to understand that what i'm intensely resisiting is doing anything that i haven't fully chosen to do myself. I won't be forced into anything, not by threat of a bad review, or losing my job or whatever, and this in turn is forcing me to do things out of being good to myself (again).
This time around was all in all more intense. I was on ADHD meds for a good portion of it (roughly two stages), and that sent me all over the place, prior to those however, i was more determined, focussed and disciplined than i had ever been. I was also leading my family, and some friends through tough times of their own without getting sucked in, drawing solid boundaries with people who play games and try to take advantage (including women) and so on. I'm quickly getting back on the wagon, having been slightly side tracked.
I still have a few problems though. I 'short-circuit' in the face of authority or someone who is very intimidating/successful, and become quiet. I have also stopped caring about a lot of things, which is a double edged sword. Mentally I feel slow, like i'm unable to process conversations well. I know very well this is a by-product from lack of exercise, diet, and alcohol though.
At work I had someone essentially trying to bully me. at first i got so incredibly angry, to the point where i was going to rage at everyone and storm out of the place with a big 'fugg you'. I had developed the power to be able to do that - which is something, but then i calmed down and the not giving too much of a sh*t kicked in. I moved on and let it go, now that person is being quite nice to me.
I feel like AM6 is never going to be a happy fun journey. of course periods of fun, and elation come after getting past a particularly dark challenge or hole, but Manhood and leadership is created by challenge and challenge alone, facing demons externally and internally. You can try to do things to avoid them aiming for a smooth AM6 ride, but my suspicion (and it's only a theory at the moment) is that it will challenge you harder each time, since your capacity for growth will expand.
I read a great book called 'the obstacle is the way' by Ryan Holiday, which explains Stoicism through the historical figures that praciticed/demonstrated its practices. What is common amongst them, and other leaders you can see is long periods of battling through depression, and anxiety, until they reach a sort of surrendered state of action and a functional relationship with their own sense of mortality and their lifes purpose. I think particularly about Lincoln who himself spent long periods of his life brooding and depressed.
Thinking on where I was coming from as well. I've been considered manly by a lot of people, but i know that was just a facade, I was incredibly beaten down by life, and considered myself a complete failure.
right now i still feel like a failure from time to time, and can be intimidated though comparison with others, or just my lack of progress in life. this perversely provides energy for advancement but too much and it becomes limiting. So after a bit more time on the refresher stage I'll go for something more positive, like BASE, LTU or maybe even EPRHA. I'm tempted to go straight for BAMM, considering whether locking myself in for the long run is worth it given the pace of advancement of these subs though. Sex Magnet would be valuable as well, but i'm at an age where I need to get the financial side of my life under control first.
Nevertheless I will have to return to AM6 or its future variants again for full runs a few times in my life. That's still clear.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
